disclaimer: All characters (except the brief mentions of Jenny) are the property of Marvel and I expect no monetary benefit from this work of fiction.


The Journey Home
by Dizi

Chapter 3: Jubilee

Hope Wolvie comes back from hunting soon. I'm starved. That workout burned up a lot of calories which I couldn't afford to lose. I grew too thin over the last year. I'm also bored and lonely since I slept in the car. I'm wide awake now.

The jerk had us settled at a campsite before I'd even woken up all the way.

It's a good thing we have this no sex thing going, because I sure don't feel like it right now. Oh, not because I'm mad about camping. I sorta expected that. I hurt. Everywhere. My whole body is one large ache from that workout. What's worse is that I know he went easy on me. I remember what a real workout is like. It's going to be a long couple weeks.

Especially if he keeps trying to make me tell him things I don't want to. I just knew he'd be this way. It's why I didn't tell him years ago. One reason, anyway. He probably thought I'd spill all while half-asleep. Wrong.

I don't push him to talk about his history. He sure as heck wouldn't put up with it either. Why can't he leave mine alone? Okay, it's a little different. For one, I won't go off and kill a bunch of people because of what they did to him. Of course, they're pretty much all already dead. The ones that aren't he'll kill himself before anyone else gets a chance if they're ever stupid enough to show themselves.

Doesn't he know how much I want to tell him? How much I always have?

When I was a kid I would have told him once things settled down. But I was sent back to school. I'm not being bitter about it, and I didn't say it to hurt him. It's just the way it is.

I'm older now and understand better what it does to someone to kill, what it does to him. I didn't then. Then I wanted them to die, to suffer. Now... okay, I still want that, but I don't want my Wolvie to do it.

I don't want him in a dark place for me.

That's what Jenny calls it. The dark place. I was in a dark place with a bright colorful coat of paint on the outside for a very long time. He doesn't have a bright coat of paint. That's what he has me for.

When he's gone there in the past I could bring him back. Each time he goes deeper and it's harder. Each time he becomes more comfortable with the darkness. If he went because of this, because of what happened to me, I'd be there with him. I don't know if I could get us both back.

He didn't want to hear that. Stubborn old goat.

Wolvie likes to pretend nothing hurts him. I know better. Physically he heals, but he feels the pain of the wounds. Invisible wounds, emotional ones, hurt him even more. It's always been my belief emotions hurt him more than other people because he tries so hard not to feel them. But I know they are his biggest vulnerability. Along with the knowledge that he's human not a walking weapon.

Don't get me wrong, he doesn't like that comparison. Neither do I. But Wolvie pretends that's what he is when things get tough emotionally. It's like he envisions he's encased in adamantium instead of the adamantium being encased by him. He used to hate knowing that I knew what a big heart he really has. Probably impinged on his macho image.

It's not like Wolvie is asking for details of anything but the men's descriptions. It would be hard but I could give him everything else -- a little at a time. The problem with that idea is that while I was baring my soul and laying it all out, he'd be all "What'd he look like? Do you remember any distinguishin' marks? Did anyone mention a name?" He'd have what he wanted before I could stop myself. So none of that. Even if I really had any of those answers to give.

Unless he were to make a few promises. Which he refused to do. The Wolverine would never break his word. It's a matter of honor. And honor is everything, part of the air he breathes and the ground he walks on. He won't break his word so he won't give it unless he intends to keep it. So he wouldn't. So I won't talk about it. End of discussion.

Mr. Macho Tough Guy is just going to have to live with my past just like I have. Just like all of us have had to live with his.

Once long ago, I asked him how they put the adamantium on his bones and he said he didn't remember. Maybe he didn't, but I know he found out at some point. Probably the same way I did. By looking it up.

Now. Imagine that someone you know, not love but just know, was cut open to the bone and had molten metal at a temperature of 1500 degrees poured inside him. A little at a time and without anesthesia. With that in mind you still don't have a clue as to what I feel knowing it happened to my Wolvie. I'm not the only one who has nightmares, you know. I learned about his right after we met. That same evening while he was delirious. I just didn't really understand until I did my own personal research project.

Compared to that, what I went through is nothing. He's never really talked to me about it except to say he didn't want to talk about it. Until I promised to never bring it up again if he did. It didn't take long since his memories of it are basically all just one long pain session. But he did it and I kept my word.

I just want the same in return. I want a promise, his word of honor. So afterwards I'll be able to sleep at night instead of having a new nightmare featuring him.

Took him a long time to calm down after the loud "discussion" we had. Killing the tree which was so menacing that he had to turn it into sawdust helped considerably. Oh yeah, that's going to make me change my mind. Not. Double standard thy name be Wolverine. 'Least we have plenty of firewood.

His sense of honor is why he brought up the next subject. He probably thought I'd jump at this one. Maybe later I will.

You know, I spent a year learning to live without him. May not have gone about it in the best way, but I did it.

I'm very very very happy to know he loves me. I'm ecstatic we're together. I'm tickled pink we're working on a real relationship. I'm even glad he's training me, no matter how much I'm hurting right now. The massage he gave me helped with that considerably. Wolvie has magic hands.

But to know we'll be bonded is a mixed blessing.

How cool is it to know your man will never play around on you? That he'll have a clue you're angry besides the slamming of cabinet doors? That you will live a happier healthier life because of the love of a man? Sounds great, huh?

Or you could take a corner wrong someday, die in a car accident, and know five miles away he'll die too. That's a lot of responsibility. I want his love not his life. Doesn't everyone want to know their loved ones will live happy lives after they're gone? I always figured he'd outlive me and go on to someone else, leaving me a great memory. If I'm careless and die, he dies too and that so totally SUCKS!

What if we have kids? What if he's watching the baby when I take that turn too fast? We're X-Men! We die all the time! This is not something I even once considered. It takes togetherness a little too far. Together in life, yes. Together in death, no.

Logan is a great man -- see, you know I'm serious. He's the best there is at what he does, but this ain't exactly the pretty picture it sounded like.

We haven't talked about having little Wolvies and Jubeses running around. It's early days. Not sure I'm ready to be a mother. I guess that's something I didn't take into consideration when I dreamed of us having a life together. But it's sure something to think about when we're talking about a definite future and what'll happen to each other when we DIE!

Didn't think we'd have to settle out entire future right away. Thought we'd work our way up to that sort of thing in time. Over years not two weeks!

I know being with him isn't a dream or I wouldn't be aching this much. If I had known about this bonding thing before I would have longed for it, wouldn't have thought twice. Not like I am now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to give him up. I'm just going to need some time to get used to the idea.

Okay, so I know I can't give him up. Not again. I suppose if that means we'll be bonded, then we'll be bonded. But I'm entitled to doubts and questions when we're talking about my man's life. Even if they don't change anything.

My life was something I treated carelessly. That will have to change. It will have to become something precious. Tied to his, it will be precious. How daunting to know that by loving someone and making love with them, their life becomes so tied to you that they will die without you. Literally. It's both beautiful and terrifying.

Kinda like my Wolvie.

to be continued.


notes:
A few things to think about, huh?

Next chapter! Wolvie is not someone to let something go and he gets reminded how stubborn Jubilee can be too.

Thanks for reading and the support,
Dizi