Disclaimer: The only thing I own in this story is...is, nevermind. I don't own any of it... except the randomness. the randomness is MINE! Bwa ha ha ha ha!
Also, I thank everyone for their reviews. They encourage me and my sisters to write more to this fic. whether that's a good thing or not is something you must decide for yourself... but we still enjoy all reviews, even the flames. Please try to enjoy the next chapter, and do not hold us accountable if you happen to faint from the utter stupidity.
(Yu-Gi-Oh music plays and everyone sees short images of Yugi and Pharaoh, then people see The bad guys, then they see close ups of all the Main characters. ON WITH THE AMAZINGLY STUPID STORY!)
"Wait!" said Pharaoh. "It wasn't your turn! It was mine…but I was gonna play the same thing so carry on."
"Right," said Yugi. "Now I will play one card face down and end my turn."
"Well that was the lamest play I've ever seen!" scoffed Pharaoh, "You must have some evil monster in there…or maybe a dragon? Uggg! I play you pikachu!"
"WTF!" cried Joey. "Pharaoh! Pikachu isn't part of this show!"
"It is now Tubby!" Said Pharaoh turning angrily towards Joey. "And quit talking about the food. You just ate!"
"But I- hey! I didn't say anything about food!" Joey said, his face turning red. This time nobody laughed, they seemed a bit tired of the repeated joke.
"I play my obnoxious Celtic guardian!" said Yugi "then I play the trap card pica-gone, which gets rid of any monsters that are not from this show! Celtic Guardian, Attack Pharaoh's life points directly!"
"I think not" said Pharaoh "my face down card is The Seal of Oricalkose!"
"What?" asked Yugi "but you never even played a card face down, it doesn't make any sense."
"It does to me!" said Pharaoh, "now I play Tomias!"
There's only one card that can save me now thought Yugi, he picked up a card "I trust in the heart of the cards" he whispered. He looked at the card "gasp" unfortunately for Yugi, the heart of the cards had gone on vacation, leaving the duel to fate, which had in turn left for a dentist appointment leaving his future to luck, which had simply said screw this, and left.
"Tomias!" said Pharaoh "attack Yugi's life points directly!"
Tomias started towards Yugi, but on the way over he had a heart attack and died.
"Stupid dragon" mumbled Pharaoh "I told you not to eat so many Krispy Kremes!"
"Phew…" sighed Yugi. His card had been a three of hearts, the most useless card in existence. He actually wasn't quite sure HOW it had gotten in there… "Yami…can't we just call it a draw and let me live?"
"NEVER!" said Pharaoh. "I play my card of INSTANT DEATH!" Yugi gasped (for the millionth time that day).
"Not instant death!" he said, falling to his knees. "Anything but instant death- wait a minute…" he said, giving Pharaoh a suspicious glare. "I've never heard of that card before…"
"Ummm…er…" Began Pharaoh. "Well, it's a real card so die already!"
"Oh." Said Yugi, "Well in that case…X.x" With that Yugi fell over.
(A/N: X.x means Yugi's dead.)
Kaiba cheered loudly. Finally Yugi had died, and it was about time too! How many times had the heart of the cards protected that brat? Far too many in his opinion. Now what was that that Mokuba had been asking him earlier?
"Mokuba?" he asked, looking at his brother who was lying in a bloody heap. "What were you saying before? I'm sorry, I'm just not a good brother…" Great! He thought, this guilt trick worked every time. Now Mokuba would say 'no Seto, you're the best.' The gullible little imp! Ha, Seto wasn't a great brother, and he never aspired to be one. If only he'd known how right he was.
"Mokuba? Speak you fat lard! I don't have all day you know!" He poked the limp body with his shoe. "Fine, have it your way! You can sleep outside tonight!" he walked away mumbling something about needing to buy some anti depressants.
Pharaoh looked at the dead Yugi, Tears welled up in his eyes.
"Tristan" he said "I know it wasn't my fault, but I just feel so responsible for his death…"
"I wonder why" said Tristan sarcastically.
"I mean, we were so close…" Tristan rolled his eyes. "And now he's gone for good" Pharaoh turned and looked seriously at Tristan "I'm turning evil Tristan"
Tristan started laughing uncontrollably
"What's so funny about turning evil?" Pharaoh demanded
"It's not what you said" said Tristan between giggles "it's how you said it"
"I'll show you funny!" said Pharaoh, he took out a very sharp looking knife and stabbed Tristan eighty-five times, there wasn't any blood because that would have made the show unfit for children. "Still think I'm funny!" he yelled, and started laughing himself
"Yugi!" cried Joey, "What the hell did you just do?"
"For the last time tubby, I'm not Yugi I'm the Pharaoh!" Shouted the angry hobbit (hehe).
"You killed Tristan! You bastard!" Joey cried, ignoring Pharaoh's failing attempt to correct him about his name.
"He deserved it!" Said Pharaoh. "His new hairdo offended me!"
"Then why did you shave his head?" Asked Joey , getting off subject. "I mean- nevermind! The point is, Tristan is dead because of you! You..you maniac!"
"Are you calling me insane?" asked Pharaoh, squinting his eyes in a menacing fashion.
"Well...no, not exactly..." said Joey, defensively, putting up his hands as if to show Pharaoh's dominance. "All I'm saying is that one of us might need a nap." There was a silence in which Pharaoh seemed to be thinking this through and then…
"That's it! You die!" Said Pharaoh, once again preparing to kill. Being short, he had to jump quite a ways to reach Joey's neck and try to strangle him.
"Sheesh Yug," said Joey, prying the spiky haired dwarf away from him and holding him up like one would with a naughty puppy.
"Its Pharaoh!" The Pharaoh said flustered. Joey ignored him,
"You know, you're causing way too much trouble right now, why are you so angry?" He demanded. Pharaoh looked shamefully at his feet, trying with all his might not to look at Joey. "come on Yug', you can trust me. We're best buds, remember?"
"Oh Joey, this is no time to think about eating," Pharaoh rummaged through his hair and came out empty handed, "I'm all out of illegal substances Joey, this isn't good."
Joey sighed, "Okay Yugi," he said, taking the protesting Pharaoh to a tree and tying him up, "Its time for a time out. You get to go through a painful, horrendous process called detox,"
"No! You can't! I won't do it!" Pharaoh squirmed helplessly while Joey tied him up to the side of a tree. "No, stop it! I don't wanna-" It was too late. The all mighty Pharaoh was bound so tight that he was finding it difficult to breath. "You did that rather fast…" Said Pharaoh, admiring the tight knots. Joey shrugged.
"Mokuba!" Joey and Pharaoh both looked at Kaiba who was now kicking his dead brother. "Get….!" He drew his leg back, "up!" he threw it forward sending Mokuba's limp form flying across the yard.
"Hey Kaiba!" said Joey, abandoning the Pharaoh. "What did ya do to yer brother?"
"Nothing, go away." Said Kaiba Icily.
Well he looks pretty dead to me…" remarked Joey, cocking his head to one side as he studied the blood dripping from Mokuba's gunshot wound.
While Joey was speaking to Kaiba neither of them realized that Valon had just rode over on a motorcycle.
"When I kill wheeler, it'll prove to Mai that I love her" he said to himself, this didn't really make any sense to others, but it did to him. He took out a gun, (dueling was so obsolete), and was about to shoot Joey when he was distracted by a strange sight. Was it his imagination, or was that Yugi tied to a tree.
"Stop" said Pharaoh, who had, unlike the others, seen Valon "Don't shoot".
"And just what are you going to do to me if i do?" asked Valon "Call me names?"
"Yes!" said Pharaoh triumphantly, "I know some pretty mean ones, so I would watch out if I were you!"
"I'm shivering" said Valon "Now who should I kill first? Grumpy or comic relief?"
"But you're not shivering at all." said Pharaoh "Unless, hey! That was sarcasm!" he said angrily.
Valon aimed at Kaiba
"No!" wailed Pharaoh "Not Kaiba, anyone but Seto Kaiba!"
Valon aimed at Joey
"No!" said Pharaoh "Not Joey, anybody but Joey Whee-"
"What the hell do you think your doing!"
Pharaoh gasped; there was a female version of him coming towards them. Valon hurriedly put his gun away
"I thought I told you not to kill them yet!" said Mai
"Anything for you Mai" said Valon dazedly. "You are after all the love of my life-"
"Hey Wheeler," said Mai, ignoring her admirer. Joey turned and gaped. Could it be true? Could his love- er…his very VERY good friend be back? Wait! He was supposed to be mad at her! She'd ruined his life, she'd tried to take his soul!
"I…er…ummm…" he stammered clumsily.
"What's your problem Wheeler?" asked Kaiba, still having not registered that Valon and Mai were there. Mai gave a very sharp whistle, and Kaiba jumped around to face her, which completely ruined his 'I-don't-care-about-anyone' act, and made his hair droop slightly.
"Oh, its you!" he said, running his hand through his hair to get it to stand up properly, and trying to regain his dignity in some small way. "The Geek squad just keeps on growing doesn't it?"
"Shut your mouth!" said Mai, "I'm here to visit Joey Wheeler! Its personal!" Kaiba, who seemed unusually resistant to her "charm" couldn't help but snigger a bit.
"What's so funny!" demanded Mai, getting uncomfortable (Mainly though because Valon wouldn't stop trying to give her his number…and his address, and his eMail address, oh, and his credit card AND…well, the point is he was trying to get her attention.)
"Oh nothing, " said Kaiba "Its just that NO ONE gives me commands atmy own house!"
"Is that so!" said Mai, deliberately taking a step forward to seem commanding. "Well then I guess you've never met Mai Valentine!" (Wait, I know Kaiba's met Mai before, but there are a lot of unexplained things going on in this story...so just play along...)
"Would you like me to kill her Kaiba?" asked Pharaoh eagerly, who was getting ignored far too much for his liking. Unfortunately though, he was to be ignored yet again.
"No I haven't met your Valentine. Who is he?" Asked Kaiba "Another not so secret admirer?" This was directed Mainly at Joey who was still struggling to find his voice.
"That's it!" said Mai angrily "Mai Valentine works alone- wait…you didn't just ask me to join forces with you?" She looked concerned, confused and a bit hurt.
"That's right. Kaiba Corp hardly needs you to join forces with it. In fact it would probably be best if you left right now."
"Never Kaiba!" said Mai. Valon, who finally realized that Kaiba was picking on his girlfriend, jumped up from where he'd been kneeling (ready to propose to Mai).
"Don't you go oppressing her!" he said haughtily to Kaiba, "If you've got a problem with Mai, then I guess you've got a problem with me too! Stand up and fight like a man!"
"Really!" shouted Pharaoh. "I'll kill both of them, in fact I've already planned out their deaths! Valon will die when I release Tomias who will sit on him, and Mai-"
"I…you ruined my life!" said Joey, Tears welling up in his eyes. He was surprised when everybody stopped arguing for a moment to say, in unison, "Oh Joey, where would you be without food?"
"Uh, dead" said Joey "Mai, why did you leave? You broke my heart-"
"Blah, blah, blah" said Kaiba, who had decided that this moment was getting too sappy "let's all calm down before shorty here decides to call us names"
"You'd better watch out" warned Pharaoh
"What is he, your guard dog?" asked Valon snapping out of his trance
"Yes." said Kaiba, ignoring the Pharaoh "At least, he acts like he is"
"But I'm not a canine at all!" said Pharaoh, struggling like hell to get out of his rope prison. "I'm at least half Homosapien, and I look nothing like a dog"
"Come on Mai," said Valon bossily. "Let's go, we don't need these losers."
"Hey you!" said Joey, angrily pointing at Valon. "You're not takin' Mai anywheres! She belongs here with us!"
"Oh shut up Wheeler!" said Mai, Valon and Kaiba together. Joey shut up as he was told, and went to sit next to the Pharaoh, who was panting from his efforts of escapism.
"I'll…They'll…never! Uggg…." The Pharaoh was having a difficult time speaking.
"Calm down." Said Joey, "Its not as if they're leaving any time soon." He put his chin in his hands, and sat there pouting for a bit. Mai and Kaiba continued to argue, while Valon added unnecessary threats and kicked a lot of dirt at Kaiba.
"Stop it! STOP IT!" shouted Pharaoh "I'm going to call you all names if you keep this up, we should all work together to fight against the common enemy"
"Dartz!" said Joey and Kaiba.
"The Pharaoh!" said Valon and Mai
"No!" said Pharaoh "Sauron!"
"Huh?" Joey, Kaiba, Mai, and Valon were all confused.
"Er…I mean, the great Leviathan!"
"But, we're the ones who helped summon it" said Mai "why the hell should we help you destroy it!"
"Come on Mai" said Valon "it could be fun"
"What, but your supposed to be on my side!" said Mai "everyone's against me, no one likes me! I made the mistake of joining a group once, and I wont do it again!" she ran off crying.
"Alright" said Valon "back to business" he took out his gun again "now Frodo, who should I-"
"But you just said that you were going to help us" said Joey, confused
"Well, I was, but now I changed my mind because Mai wouldn't be on my side if I joined forces with you"
"Wow, you really are desperate" said Kaiba. "But since you asked, Joey can go first. The little one is rather helpful some times."
"Righto Chump!" Valon said, cocking his pistol towards Joey, "Any last words?"
"Yeah!" Joey said, everybody groaned as he took out a stack of notes from his pocket.
"Looks like Chubby made himself a grocery list," Kaiba said to Pharaoh.
Joey, ignoring Kaiba's cold and completely incorrect comment, said "I'd like to read this aloud, just so's every body knows that I did have a life. Not a very happy one ever since I met Yugi but oh well." He cleared his throat, "I, Joey Francis Rudolf Jumpy Wheeler II was born some time ago in this here world. I learned, I loved and I lived-"
"-And now you'll die, How sweet." Kaiba said rudely.
"Wait!" Pharaoh exclaimed, "Let Joey finish! This is beautiful!" Pharaoh had a thing for sentimental moments.
Joey continued "Its just that, I never thought it would end this way. I thought I'd live to old age while telling my great, great grand children about what a risk taker I was, with a signature line or something…and then the credits would roll and it would say 'Dedicated to Joey Francis Rudolf Jumpy Wheeler...He had a thing for Pizza…'" He stopped and stared, as everyone else was, at Valon. Valon had burst into uncontrollable sobs.
"That was so beautiful tha' its destroying me mate!" He said, falling to his knees. Joey sighed with relief. Valon did have more than one emotion. Unfortunately as Valon dropped the gun to the ground it somehow went off and killed-
Join us next week for an all new Yu-Gi-Oh!
Last time on Yu-Gi-Oh, Valon pointed a gun, Joey gave a speech, nobody dueled but somebody was killed.
"Feed, My great Leviathen!" Mr. Dartz said in a creepy voice which was annoying because you really just want to know who died and we already know that Mr. Dartz is cool-er, I mean- creepy. Raphael gawked at Mr. Dartz, was he doing some sort of magic?"
There was a pause,Dartz turned around and glared at Raphael "What did I just say?" He asked, and before Raphael could reply he said "I said feed my great leviathan!"
Another pause, and then Dartz snapped "So? Are you going to feed him or not?"
"Oh!" Raphael said "Sorry Dartz-I mean sir- I saw the comma there and thought you were telling the leviathan to-you know- feed."
"That would be ridiculous and incorrect. I need you, Raphael, to go and gather souls for it to snack on! So go! And see what your Aussie friend is up to! His file says he's been slacking on soul taking."
"Yes Mr. Dartz, right away sir!"
Meanwhile….
"What are you doing?" Duke asked Rebecca. He was driving around and all of Rebecca's clicking and typing noises were really annoying him (We don't know why they're riding together other than the fact that that's how we wrote it, SO THERE!).
"I'm hacking into Kaiba's business accounts," Rebecca replied.
"Why?" He asked.
She shrugged, "Just a little fun,"
Duke rolled his eyes, all Rebecca ever did on the computer was slam her fists into the keyboard and pretend it was work. She had never ever hacked into anything before and if you asked her where the delete button was she'd show you Page down. But that was how things worked in her mind. If she said she was a college student she was a college student. If she said she was a techie she was a techie, if she said she was special she was special. And she was special alright, if you catch my meaning.
"Maybe you could just stop," Duke said, closing her laptop computer with one hand while driving with the other.
"That's alright," Rebecca said cheerfully, "I can do it telepathically."
Suddenly there was a loud shooting noise and a bullet whizzed through the window and right into-
"Rebecca!" Duke yelled, as her brains splattered onto his nice clean shirt.
There was loud Aussie "Oops," and than a lot of cursing from someone who sounded like Pharaoh.
REVIEW! The next chapter will be up VERY soon, for all of those out there who actually want to hear more.
