disclaimer: All characters (except the brief mentions of Jenny) are the property of Marvel and I expect no monetary benefit from this work of fiction.
The Journey Home
by Dizi
Chapter 5: Jubilee
I don't think I have ever been so angry and hurt in my life. Nothing else he has ever said or done has made me that freaking mad!
How dare he! Logan has no right to demand answers like that, give me ultimatums! The sonovabitch! Telling me what I will and will not do! He wants to be partners one day then acts like some medieval dictator the next! I don't think so!
Well, I showed him. Stood up for myself, just like he said he wants. Only he didn't like it one little bit, no sirree bob!
He pounded on the door a good ten minutes while I cried in the bathroom. What I really wanted was for him to put his arms around me and hold me. Just hold me.
Of course he couldn't since I kicked his ass out.
He was gone for hours. I got past the anger and as time passed went to scared. Wolvie said he wouldn't run off anymore but I had sent him away. I started to wonder if he was going to come back. Or if he'd been arrested or something. Anything could have happened.
I had a phonebook out and was about to make some calls, first to the closest bars and then to the police. The phone was actually to my ear when he knocked on the door. It wasn't his usual knock either. Not as forceful, more tentative. I didn't think it was him until he called out to me.
Logan asked to come in, like it was my home or something, as though the room wasn't in his name.
Hurt my hand hitting his jaw - which didn't phase him the least little bit, of course. I kissed him right after, so I'm sure he was confused. But he just wasn't acting like normal. Normal for him anyway.
Having been through a full gamut of emotions, I burst into tears and started blubbering all over him. The first thing he always does when a woman starts crying is make disgusted sounds and saying how he isn't any good at "comfortin'". He didn't do that this time. Instead he did what I had wanted earlier.
Wolvie held me. He didn't try to say anything else. He didn't try in any way to get me to stop. He just held me tight.
That's just not how my Wolverine acts. He runs from emotional displays unless he has absolutely no other choice. Despite what I said to him earlier, he can be sensitive and thoughtful. It just doesn't come easy for him. You wouldn't have known it from the way he was treating me then.
He completely shocked me.
Once my tears dried up, one of his big hands continued to rub rhythmically up and down my spine. And he apologized. Logan, Wolvie, my Wolverine apologized. He said it quietly, in a gruffly gentle voice, without qualifiers. I think it was his tone of voice that threw me more than the actual words.
Understand that no sex and no playing around are two totally different things. We hadn't gone past second base, but when you're with a guy who's been around as much as he has you don't have to. He can be playful, forceful, gentle, rough. Wolvie is an old hand at all the moves - emphasis on old - and he's always ready to fool around. So I expected a make-up make-out session. That's what we usually do after we have a "discussion", as he puts it.
Instead, still in this tender and sweet theme of his, Logan cups my face between both of his huge dinner plate sized hands and gives me what I had told him I needed.
His word.
I didn't think he ever would. I had wanted him to, had shouted it during our fight, but I never ever thought he'd give it to me. Not because he's a pig-headed, stubborn, old goat of a jerk - though he's that too - but because I know he feels strongly about it. He's maintained this whole time that he wants justice and needed to "make it right". He saw it as his duty to me, I think. I know he felt it was his right and probably a matter of honor. That's the way he is, and I know him well enough that I never once thought he'd change his mind enough to see my side. After all our fights about it, I thought we'd just live with it. Eventually.
Guess I forgot his pig-headed stubbornness can go several ways. Later, Wolvie explained he thought it was more important that we clear all slates than I give in. For that I might have to start leaving the radio on the old-time country stuff he likes.
His exact words were, "I swear to ya on my life, on Mariko's grave, I won't try ta go after the bastards unless ya say it's alright. I don't got the right ta make ya tell me, but I think we both need ya to." It was so beautiful I had to cry again.
These words told me he loves me more than those three magic words could. He doesn't have to say it ever again. This was the best way he could have expressed it. I'll always know Wolvie loves me. More than his pride, more than his honor, more than anything, he loves me.
Most nights we sleep together. Sometimes he says he wants me too much and won't, but for part of every night we've lain together. This time we laid in the bed fully clothed, lights out, my head on his wide chest, and his arms around me, with absolutely no sexual overtones.
And I talked.
Cried a lot too, but I talked. Not quickly or easily, but I did it.
Never once did he try to ask all those questions I could see he wanted to. Oh, I could tell they were there in his mind. Every so often the Wolverine showed himself and would start growling, but he didn't do it. Kept saying he was going to take a walk and calm down, but he didn't do that either. Before he got to the door he'd stop and say it never worked. He also said something about street lights becoming an endangered species, but I didn't get that part.
We stayed in that hotel room for two days and three nights. Never made-out once. Guess, neither of us felt like it. Laying out one of the worst things to happen to either of us can take the mood right out of a person, I suppose. It was a nice place but I didn't notice. I'll be happy if I never stay at that particular franchise again.
Way back, Jenny told me her secret to getting over the nightmares - reliving the bad shit night after night. Mainly, she worked herself into exhaustion. Later she said Kurt loving her made it better for her. Pretty sure she didn't mean sex, though from what I can tell with them it must be really good sex. I thought I knew what she meant before I left - okay, ran off. Being with Wolvie made it better.
Better wasn't as good as this. I had been holding back something I never really wanted to. I've always wanted to tell him everything. From the despair of thinking they were all dead to the joy of saving them and ticking off Bastion. The... other things... they did to me were bad, worse, but they weren't all of it.
I've seen him all kinds of ways, but never pale before. That's when I knew one of the other reasons I hadn't ever told him. It felt like telling him would have made him part of all that. Not the rapes, but the other. I hadn't even gotten to that part when he went pale. Yeah, he'd been in the base, and I wanted to die when they left without me, but I also felt like I'd been saving the best part of me when they got out. It was a victory that would have been tainted if I had told him the rest. Or that's what I thought.
Okay, it was stupid. He's not the only one who makes mistakes. I had bragging rights, and I did a little. It's just that I didn't go into detail then. It didn't hit me right away. When I got back to school and saw how much weight I had lost, when the others in GenX told me how bad they had had it, when I couldn't sleep and hoarded food, that's when I wanted to stand up and scream.
It wasn't any one thing, lots of bad stuff happened then, it was all of it together. I wasn't a person to them and when I came back for a long time I didn't feel like a person either. But if someone had asked "What's wrong, Jubilee?" I couldn't and wouldn't have told them. I wouldn't have told Jenny but she opened up to me first so it seemed like the right thing to do. Emma could have made me talk to her or looked into my mind and known it all. One of the things I have respected most about her is that she didn't. I finally told her enough that she understood but she let me deal with it on my own.
But with my Wolvie it was different. If he hadn't been so out of character I still couldn't have done it. Suddenly a dam broke inside me. I had to tell him. I had to let him know everything. I needed to. He had made it clear I didn't have to which probably made the difference.
Then I came to the rapes. He didn't ask for more. Get this, he was being patient. Wonder if he was treating this like a hunting expedition. Whatever it was, I did tell him. His arms weren't around me then, even if it was him I didn't want to be touched while telling that part.
He paced. He sat on the other side of the room. He even went into another room for a while since he could still hear me just fine. He punched a hole in the wall which will make big dent in the credit card. But again, Logan didn't ask the questions he wanted to.
When I finished saying as much as I could, he was quiet for a very long time. He can do that. I feel the need to talk and break the silence, but not him. Sometimes, I think he could go for months without talking.
I needed a shower. We skipped workouts while I was talking but after I needed to feel clean. I took lots of showers right after I got back to the school. You know... after. It's psychological but helps anyway.
After I got out, he offered to get himself another room for a while. At first I was afraid it was because he saw me differently. Tainted maybe. One thing to know and another to get all the nitty gritty details. He let me know right away I was wrong about that. He thought it might scare me to share a room with him.
So this time I was the one to hold him. Well, more like we held each other.
Since I was thirteen, Wolverine has been the most important person in my life. He was mentor, brother, later lover, and now love. He has been my obsession and reason for living. He is everything to me. Never have I been afraid of him. For him, yes. Of him, no. I didn't want him to go.
We changed hotels.
Then I let him know how much I wanted him with me. We still didn't go past second base. But I've got a good teacher and didn't need to.
This isn't a side of him I expect to see often over the years ahead of us, but I'll always know it's inside him. Inside walls he opened for me when I needed it. How much more could a girl ask for?
I'm loved.
to be continued.
note: I'm always nervous doing a sequel, afraid it won't be as good as the first. The previous chapter recieved a lot of responses and I want to take an extra moment here to thank you all again.
Okay, we're almost to the end. Chapter 6 is it! Of course we switch back to Wolvie's pov to let him tie it all up! Wolvie always feels like he has to have the last word...
Thanks for reading and all the support,
Dizi
