Perky Perkinsen: Heeeelllllllllllowdy There folks! Its me-AGAIN! Well here we are facing another 50 minute commercial free set but before we pummel your ears with our idea of good music I'd just like to congratulate Seto Kaiba and Mary-Sue Smith. Word from A Kaiba Fan-Site says that they have just announced their engagement, Seto Kaiba has been quoted saying that he wishes Mokuba Kaiba, his younger brother, was alive today to see how happy he is! Now for some good old fashioned 'we've all heard it and hated it' elevator music! On a side note folks theres a message from the French Bacon Association: Avertissement: Le lard de decoupage avec des tronconneuses peut avoir comme consequence des dommages serieux...le fromage de bleu cause le cancer. ... ah yes, I bet the ladies didn't know that good ol' perky knew the french, now did they? I'm fluuuent!

Narrator(aka Pharaoh): Previously on Lost…erm, I mean, Yu-gi-oh!

A bunch of stuff blew your mind with the intense pressure of un- concentrated randomness and bits of your brain splattered the windshield of an oceanic plane which, terrified, went a thousand miles off course and nose dived into an uninhabited island where a bunch of people managed to survive and learn how to help out other people, and just when they thought they were safe a monster bit off some one's head…but this is not their story…even if it is your fault. This is the story about a boy who sounds like a girl who gets a puzzle that makes him sound like a guy. He rejoices. Then his inner man turns out to be an evil 5000 year old pharaoh that rox his sox at dueling with card monsters. He's only sort of rejoicing now. Then after a few seasons of this show the Pharaoh loses a duel to Raphael in the seal of oricalchose, and the boy's soul is taken. He is not rejoicing, he is a vegetable. Its somewhere in between this point and never that our story first took place…sort of…well, no-not really-but it'd be cool if it had. Instead our story began with the loss of this boy's life to an accident involving a street light, a semi-truck and a pointy haired pedestrian who didn't look both ways before he crossed the street. Thus leading to Pharaoh's nasty drug habit, Tristan's affinity for his hair, Joey's extremely veracious appetite and Tea's suicide… But, by a strange twist of logic, nobody can actually die in an imaginary world (Sirius Black Fans rejoice). So What the living characters thought were zombies turned out to be alive and healthy human beings…and a few fans as well. Any who eventually a plague of randomness leads these yu-gi-oh characters to the very purple winter house of Maximillion Pegasus on either a Vespa or a Helicopter or a mix of the two.(?) So, what with all of these yu-gi-oh characters stuck in a purple mansion with each other things should get interesting. And what's a better thing to do with interesting than to air it on TV live as a reality TV show? Well, That's exactly what the Pegasus Island's current genius Biker 'Punk' Valon decided to do. (Please understand that the term 'genius' does not necessarily define accomplishment in this fan fiction) So there you are, all caught up….yup….so I guess I should…introduce the intro…so here you go. (Yu-gi-oh music plays but instead of seeing Card Monsters you see Pegasus's purple palace, glimpses of the characters and a lot of glamour shots of Valon)

"Hold the camera steady Joe!" Valon warned. He was standing on the beach with the scenic ferry chugging by in the background.

"Alright," Joe said, "You're on in 3…2…1!"

A red light appeared on the video camera to show that it was recording.

"Hello, I'm Biker Punk Valon your host for tonight's Fan-Friction, the story behind Fan Fics, the tension in TV, The panic that pursues the people in Pegasus's Palace of Purple as well known Duelists such as Seto Kaiba, Yugi Mutou, Yugi's alter-ego and their friends and/or enemies compete for nothing in particular. Can they withstand the insanity of living together or will they merely tolerate it? Its all today and its all live, here of FAN FRICTION!" Joe stopped recording and gave Valon the thumbs up.

"That was awesome!" Valon punched the air and the gust from the swift movement sent Kaiba-who had been running for the Ferry-flying into the water instead.

"Valon, you idiot!" Came the voice of the disgruntled Kaiba, "You know I don't weigh more than a piece of paper!"

"You were wet anyhow…" replied Valon, waving it aside. "Now lets go to the camera that's in the wardrobe. I think Pegasus just sent Mr. Hawkins in there…"

"Please… if it isn't too much trouble, can you let me out?" asked Mr. Hawkins, sounding far too polite given his current situation.

The scene turns back to Valon who stares blankly until he realizes its on, "That was…hilarious," He says unenthusiastically, "Alright, lets hope we have better luck with the living room cam!"

Scene goes to Living room where Joey is staring at the TV screen in dumb shock…he's been like that for hours… Yugi (Don't ask how he got back in) walks by and stops to talk to Joey.

"Hey Joey!" He says in his 'dorkier-than-mokuba's' voice, "What are you watching?"

…no answer…

"Joey, are you alright?" Yugi asks, after another moment of silence Yugi turns red with anger, "FINE! Be that way! I never wanted to be your friend ANYWAYS! I'm going over to the 'Speak your Mind' Room!"

Valon grinned, "This is more like it! Alright folks! We'll be back after these-"

"Uh, Valon," Joe interrupted, "You're not on right now, we went straight to the 'Speak your mind' Cam."

Yugi went to the 'Speak your mind' room and opened the door. To his surprise it was packed full of people.

"I WANT TO TALK TO THE UNQUESTIONED CAMERA!" Tea yelled trying to scratch Ryou out of the seat.

"But I got here first!" Ryou argued in a very unthreatening voice.

"Move it Losers!" Mokuba yelled, sounding a lot like his brother. He scrambled to the camera and said "I Think I'm losing my mind!" loudly into it. Raphael went to the chair where Ryou and Tea were murdering each other and sat down. At which point there was a squawk from Alistair of "YOU KILLED MIKEY!"

"I'm right here you idiot!" Pharaoh exclaimed, angry that the almighty Pharaoh had not gotten first dibs on the unquestioned chair in front of the unquestioned camera.

"CANNON BALL!" Yelled Duke as he jumped onto the chair. He was immediately pushed off by Raphael.

"Hey, Play nicely!" Tristan said in a warning voice, "We don't want to enforce bad habits-uf!" He was knocked aside by the strong, but not too strong, Mary Sue. She had been standing in the corner waiting for some one to notice that she wasn't competitive but than her remarkable, never give up, competitiveness kicked in and that was basically screwed.

"I get to talk to the camera-boy!" Came Pegasus's shrill voice, "Its my palace!"

Rebecca, the short, crazy one, yelled at the top of her voice, "DON'T YOU WONDER WHY THERES A MYSTERIOUS UNQUESTIONED CAMERA?"

At that moment the mysterious men in black came and took Rebecca away for 'questioning', when she returned half a minute later she looked a little dazed…and dumb(er).

Now here's what Timmy, an at home viewer, saw.

(Disclaimer: Timmy is a fictional character that I just made up on the spot. As it is I suspect many people have also made up Fictional Timmys right on the spot thus the disclaimer. We're sorry to any Timmy fans who find him a little out of character,)

Timmy had just heard from a friend that this super kool website played a live reality TV show that included some of the best known monster duelists. He forgot about it but the show was such a success that a big television network seized it and played it on channel 9…live. It just so happened that Timmy watched channel 9. And right now he was watching his idols- that he had dreamed of dueling against since he had gotten his first card- beat the crap out of each other in a fashion akin to a gigantic fist fight inside an Irish pub. His eyes were wide with horror as he recognized his pen pal, Mokuba Kaiba, yelling his insanity to the entire world…

"… and further more, I think my brother has rabies and he's now abandoned me on THIS STUPID ISLAND WHERE EVERYBODY HAS LOST THEIR MINDS!" Mokuba's 'fro sparked slightly, and a vein could be seen throbbing on his forehead. Timmy was scared.

"WHAT ABOUT US!" exclaimed Rex and Weevil, who had been shoved into random corners. They were to be ignored, however, because no one really likes them anyhow. It was then that Mai barged into the room, looking miffed.

"I need to talk to the camera!" she said in a do it or else tone of voice. Nobody argued, and Mai sat down in the chair. The room went silent… except for the voice of Mr. Hawkins who had been released from the closet a few minutes earlier. He was now dressed in a safari outfit, and was holding binoculars up to his eyes. He was talking as if he were on one of those nature shows.

"…and now we see the obviously dominant female take her place at the seasonal camera sitting area. Oh! Whats this? She's spotted something! Why… she's coming this way, with a mallet! Oh, I say! She's coming very close and-"

WHACK!

"That's better." Said Mai, and returned to her chair.

Scene goes back to Valon who's watching a mini TV as Mai talks to the camera, "Sheeee's beeeutiful," He sighs.

Joe coughed loudly, he didn't want to embarrass Valon but they WERE on national TV.

"Oh!" Valon looked up and laughed nervously, "Hallo!" He said, "I'm Biker Punk Valon and this is Fan Friction! We'll be back after these messages,"

In the 'Speak your Mind' Room a voice asked Mai to wait with her complaints until the commercial break was over…she found nothing wrong with this and waited politely.

Perky Perkinson: Holy Cow! I got a TV spot! Things are looking up, Up, UP! And it's a BEAUTIFUL day to sit inside and watch Fan Friciton! Today's Fan Friction is brought to you by Yu-Gi-Oh Trading Cards. Buy them ALREADY! And also by Kaiba Corp. Now for some actual commercials!

Kaiba was finally on the Ferry having tea with Dartz. They were watching the television with mild interest until Kaiba heard the Kaiba Corp. Ad.

"WHAT? I'm not sponsoring this show!" He yelled angrily. Standing up and dropping one of Dartz's highly treasured tea cups. Dartz groaned and got out the super glue while Kaiba got onto the Phone with his…uh…computer. (?)

"Hi, Honey?" He said,(He's got an odd relationship going with his computer…) "Yeah, I'll be back by six, want me to pick up anything from the store?"

There was muttering at the end of the line, Kaiba got out a list and muttered "Virus Scanner and….milk… Alright! Oh yeah! One more thing. Why is Kaiba Corp. Advertised on Channel 9? Uh huh. You did? It IS? He WHAT!"

"Is something wrong?" Dartz asked, watching with dismay as Kaiba broke another one of his tea cups.

"TURN THIS FERRY AROUND!" demanded Kaiba, looking murderous as he hung up the phone. "Mokuba's grounded!"

Back from the commercial break Mai was giving the camera a full piece of her mind…which is odd because she was actually just trying to speak to Joey.

"JOEY WHEELER YOU TURN THIS TV OFF THIS INSTANT! Do you understand? I just spent five minutes trying to drag away from the TV screen and I'm getting desperate! Survivor is on in FIVE minutes and If I can't-"

At the mention of Survivor (We don't own survivor) the entire world switched channels to watch it and ratings for Fan Friction immediately plummeted.

"It was worth it," Valon sighed as the show was cut off for gossip on American Idol (We don't own American Idol, phfft! What ever that is), "It was all worth it just to hear Mai's voice."

Joe wasn't paying attention, this season of Survivor was CANNIBALISTIC and he planned to spend the next hour seated firmly at his desk watching it.

Joey blinked as he came out of his trance. Had he just seen Mai on TV? Had she been speaking to him? Was there pop corn in the kitchen? He decided to find out about the latter and with in minutes off having been in the kitchen the fire alarm had gone off and Tristan was lecturing him. Everyone else seemed to have lost interest in the 'Speak your mind' room as well. Of course Pegasus was an exception since he never got bored of talking to a camera about the history of duel monsters. "I'm famished!" Tea said as she walked into the hallway with the others. They all stared blankly back at her.

"Tea," Said Yugi, "Did you just say famished?"

"Yeah," Duke put in, "Who taught you that word?"

"I dunno," Tea blinked, "What's it mean?"

Everybody sighed in relief and proceeded towards the sound of the familiar fire alarm. "That must mean food," Yugi muttered.

As Kaiba ran into the mansion he smelled the smoke, it smelled almost like the mutated ruins of radiated pop corn. "Dammit Tristan!" He growled, "How can you screw up pop corn?" So he took it upon himself to go correct the wronged microwavable food lest Mokuba should eat it and have to be rushed to the emergency room to have his stomach pumped. He entered the kitchen to find that all of the mansion's inhabitants had stuffed themselves inside (they liked to keep a tight group). "Don't even think about it!" Kaiba said as he dragged his brother away just as Mokuba was reaching into the smoking microwavable popcorn bag.

"Nii Sama!" Mokuba said gleefully, "You came back for me! You came back for me! I knew that you wouldn't abandon me! Because you're my brother! And you love me! And you're the best big brother in the-"

"Mokuba, SHUT UP!" Kaiba snapped, he dragged Mokuba all the way out of the kitchen (It was a rather large kitchen) and into the living room where he sat Mokuba on the couch, "Mokuba, what in the world possessed you to have Kaiba Corp. Endorse in Reality Tv?" Mokuba muttered something. "WHAT WAS THAT?" Kaiba asked. Mokuba cowered in fear, but Joey (Who was on a time out as well) peeked over the couch and said "He said 'Oh god, here comes another lecture'..and then he sorta rolled his eyes."

"Stay out of this mutt!" Said Kaiba and Mokuba together. Than Kaiba proceeded in lecturing Mokuba about responsibility, crappy TV shows, Popcorn (He's rather task oriented) and the familiar 'its coming out of your allowance'. When he was done Joey was snoring and Mokuba gave a giggle "You wouldn't lecture me for that long unless you were really worried about me, Nii Sama!"

"Why would I have worried about you?" Kaiba asked. Mokuba's eyes watered.

"Uh, your eyes are leaking," Kaiba said, thoroughly miffed by the emotion, "Do you want money or something?"

"YOU HATE ME!" Mokuba yelled, he got off of the couch and ran away, before he left the living room he wailed, "I'm going to write to Dr. Phil!"

An hour later…DING DONG! The Mary-Sue ran to the door, barking excitedly. "Get out of the way!" Said Kaiba, kicking her aside. He opened the door and groaned. "MOKUBA!" He yelled into the house, "I GOT THE POINT!".

"When you say you've got the point, do you mean that? Or are you just saying that to get rid of me!" Came the Texan voice of Dr. Phil. (Disclaimer: We do not own Dr. Phil… but wouldn't it be cool if we did? No? Oh…okay…) Mokuba came running to the door. "You're here, You're here!" He yelled as he pulled the TV know-it-all into the house. "Now you can fix my life," Mokuba continued, "I'm glad you came on such short notice!"

"When Kaiba Corp. Offers to endorse in my Television show I'm prepared to do anything." Dr. Phil said.

Kaiba went into stressed business-man pose, "Mokuba," He said as he followed his little brother, Dr. Phil and Mary Sue to the couch, "Remember that talk we had earlier?"

"How could I forget?" Mokuba asked, not at all coldly, "Its what inspired this whole visit in the first place!"

"Do you remember what it was about?" Kaiba asked.

"Now you're talking down to him," Dr. Phil interrupted, "And if there's one thing I know about kids its that, at a certain point, they get really irked at being spoken down to."

"How else is he supposed to speak to him?" Asked Joey, who had woken up from his boredom inspired nap, "Kaiba's, like, Eight feet tall!"

"It isn't funny, Joey!" Said Yugi as he joined the audience, "Being short can be really hard on some people!"

"That wasn't what I meant-" Began Dr. Phil, but Tea interrupted him.

"Its like when friends betray your trust," She said, glaring at Ryou.

"You still remember that?" Ryou asked.

"no NO!" Dr. Phil said, "I didn't mean that! What I meant was-"

"We know what you mean!" Said Tristan, "So get on with it already!"

"If you know what he means why are you talking down to him?" Duke snapped.

"Because he's bald!" Tristan said, as if it should be obvious. Everybody stared at Tristan, and his lack of hair.

"BOW DOWN TO ME!" yelled pharaoh, glaring at Dr. Phil who hadn't noticed him yet.

"Now why don't you all just sit down," said Dr. Phil, ignoring the tiny king. "Y'all need to learn to communicate, ya know what I'm saying?"

Duke nodded, dabbing at his eyes, while Tristan simply stared off into space. Mokuba threw a stern look at his brother, and Kaiba rolled his eyes. Ryou clapped his hands together, smiling brightly, as he sat cross legged on the floor with everyone else (except for the Kaiba brothers who Dr. Phil was addressing.)

"Now lets take a look at the letter young Mokuba Kaiba sent me about an hour ago." The screen fades into a sappy video.

"Dear Dr. Phil." Says Mokuba, his voice shaking. "My brother is being a real Jerk."

"That's why you came out here!" Hissed Kaiba, to Dr. Phil. "Because he called me a jerk!"

"Now just shush!" said Dr. Phil, "The first step to communicating is listening, and I don't think yer' all are doin such a great job."

"Recently my brother abandoned me with his fiancée who I barely know, and who is certifiably insane."

The audience of Yugioh characters gasped.

"We were on vacation and he just left me, so that he could go back to work."

"We weren't on vacation!" Kaiba began, Dr. Phil taped his mouth shut.

Mokuba's voice is now cracking, and he lets out a sob. "so then, I didn't know what to do and suddenly my brother comes storming back telling me that the company's failing… and he blames it all on me."

The yugioh characters all shook their heads in disbelief.

"That wasn't what I said!" Kaiba exclaimed, ripping the tape from his mouth. "What I meant was that-"

"My brother also abuses me…" says Mokuba. A shot of Kaiba dragging his brother's limp body around is shown on the screen. There's also a clip of him handing him a vodka banana drink. Not that that has anything to do with abusing him… "Sometimes I just feel so helpless…"

"I never did that!" Kaiba muttered, though he already knew it was no use. To his relief the video stopped.

"Okay, I'm just gonna stop right here for now," said Dr. Phil. "Cuz we have enough to go on with. Now Seto,"

"What?" Asked Kaiba coldly.

"Do you admit that you've done all of these things? I mean, we have it on video…you saw that right?"

"What's you're point?" muttered Kaiba.

"Seto!" wailed Mokuba, "Just answer the question!"

"Fine, I did most of it… but I never gave him that drink." Kaiba growled. The audience gasped again. "But I think you showed most of that stuff out of context!"

"I was a witness!" said Bakura, raising his hand mischievously. "And he did all of it!"

"You weren't even with us!" Kaiba shouted.

"Alright now, just calm down," said Dr. Phil, "Seto why don't you tell us you're side of the story."

"Fine, first of all that bleep is not my Fiancee'…" He said, pointing to Mary-Sue.

"Setty!" she cried, "How could you? How can you still deny our love? What will I tell our children?"

Once again there was a gasp from the audience. Dr. Phil's eyes widened. "Hold on," he said, stopping Kaiba before he could protest. "Here's a part of the story I didn't know, Mary Sue, would y'all get up here and sit here by Seto."

"What?" cried Kaiba. "But-"

"Again with the listen'n thing," said Dr. Phil. "If you don't quiet down then Joe assured me he'd arrest you."

"Oh god no," sobbed Mary-Sue. "Please Setty, listen to him. You can't go to jail!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Kaiba yelled, shoving her away.

"ABUSE! ABUSE!" Mokuba shouted at the top of his lungs.

"That wasn't abuse! That was self defense!" Kaiba argued.

"Just hang on here!" Dr. Phil said, again struggling to get his patients under control, "Seto Kaiba, are you aware of just how violent you are?"

"Yes I am," Kaiba replied, "I practice in front of a mirror,"

"That's his triumphant smile," Mokuba muttered. Kaiba's face fell into a scowl immediately.

"Uh," Dr. Phil said, blinking at the Kaibas, these people were insane! Even more insane than the usual weirdo's he got, "Well we'll be back right after these messages…JOE! Turn off that camera!"

"Yes sir!" Joe said. The red recording light went off and Valon started to clap.

"That was BRILLIANT! Fan Friction will be back on track in no time!"

"WHAT?" Dr. Phil asked, "Now you're just using me for a few extra viewers?"

"You used the president, Donald Trump and John Kerry," Kaiba put in and then quickly added, "Not that I was watching!"

"Yes you were," Mokuba said, "You're a really big fan!"

"Shut up!" Kaiba said, turning red, "I only watch it because my computer has it on all of the time,"

"You're computer?" Dr. Phil asked.

"The other woman?" Mary Sue asked, her eyes watering.

"I told you I was already taken!" Kaiba snapped. Trying to ignore the laughter that was gathering in the room.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" Roared Mary Sue, "My heart is broken!"

"Should we call an ambulance?" Asked Pharaoh, real concern in his voice.

"GET OFF OF THE STAGE!" Tea yelled, booing them, "Let some one else have a turn!"

"Would you like to get up here, wetter?" Kaiba asked. Tea stopped booing and went off to cry.

"WAIT!" Ryou exclaimed, stopping Tea, "I have something to tell you!"

"What is it?" Tea sniffed. Ryou looked uncomfortably around the room and then whispered something in her ear.

"Don't worry," Tea said brightly when he was finished, "I'll keep your bed wetting a complete secret. HEY! We can have an anonymous group!"

"No no!" Ryou insisted, "I don't do it now-"

"There's no need for excuses, I understand," Tea insisted.

"-And I've definitely never been a wetter!" Bakura said quickly, "Just to clear that up!"

"But it does get annoying when you're Hikari's wake you up in the middle of the night," Pharaoh put in.

"Pharaoh!" Yugi groaned.

"Haven't I told all of you not to drink anything before bed?" Tristan asked.

The entire room was blushing. "Well most of us are way past that," Yugi said.

(TO BE CONTINUED)