Just One Look
By Valma
Part 5: Used Hearts for Sale or Rent

My Journey Through Life - Niles Crane
My life is bereft of any kind of contentment.

I am trying to express what I am truly feeling within the confines of these pages lately to maintain my last shred of sanity that I have left in my possession.

But nothing can make me feel better really.

My efforts to reconnect with Maris have met with tepid results. Sometimes I believe we have a real chance to work through our problems, but then she turns contrary and refuses to continue attending our therapy sessions. It is exhausting trying to anticipate her manipulations to sabotage any progress we have accomplished. Lately I feel like I am just a marionette and she controls the strings to my life. She seems to be just biding her time, putting me through a twisted kind of tribulation until I grow weary and capitulate to her will.

For every little success I have won, like getting her to go to counseling with me, I have lost a multitude of battles. Maris has many failings, but I have never underestimated her shrewdness, especially in the fine art of cataloguing human foibles - mine in particular. She knows I am markedly unnerved when it comes to the enticement of sex. Perhaps it is because I had been put on a virtual starvation diet, far below subsistence levels for any red-blooded man, even when we were a couple. Now that we are separated an increasingly larger portion of my waking and sleeping hours are taken up with being completely engrossed in thoughts of libidinous wants and unstated desires. So when Maris dangled the promise of an evening of satisfying my carnal appetite in front of me, in order to get me to agree to switch therapists again, I had all the resistance of a stag in the midst of rutting season. I swallowed my pride and sensibility, hastened over to her house and gorged myself with debauchery like one of those malnourished waifs in Oliver hungrily consuming their ration of gruel. It wasn't until the next day, when my intense fixation on seeking sexual relief had dissipated that I suddenly realised what she had done and felt nauseated. But by that time it was too late.

Frasier tried to stop me from prostituting myself, warning me that I should defer having sex with Maris until she responded more positively to our therapy sessions. Naturally he was right. But at the time, I was so desperate for some close human contact that it just seemed like he was being churlish and endeavoring to make me more miserable. So I tossed aside his admonition, as I probably always will when I fall victim to my vulgar urges, and placed Maris' boot heel on my throat for the sake of thirty minutes of sensual indulgence.

Sometimes I just wish I were someone else.

For one short evening I actually was someone else. It happened yesterday in fact. An old boyfriend of Daphne's --- well, she called him her fiancé --- showed up and right out of the blue and she solicited me to become her husband for a night! It was all playacting and she unceremoniously disposed of me when she found out that the muscular Clive was more successful than she first thought, but for a short-lived moment I got to embrace her and kiss her and fantasize that we were man and wife. Even though I felt painfully used by the end of the evening, it was worth it. I agreeably was a contributor in my own distress. Yes, I realize the irony that Daphne was, in her own way, using me much like Maris, but there was one major difference. What happened with Daphne and me that night was spontaneous. It was an unpremeditated reaction to the situation she found herself in. Daphne looked to a good friend to get her out of a bind. There was no knowledge on her part as to my true predilection towards her and how much I was disappointed when the farce ended. Maris on the other hand had purposely used these tactics before and targeted my recognized shortcomings towards her own means. With Daphne I was wounded, but not bitter. With Maris, I felt dirty and ashamed over what I had done.

Do I love Maris any more?

Difficult to say. If she would put aside her duplicity, if she would just be honest with me, showed me that she cared about my feelings, then yes, I think I would let her into my heart again. Sometimes she can be so surprising --- like when she thanked me for helping her out with some parking tickets. I was truly touched by the humility in her voice. And when she is in my arms, so frail and delicate and she tells me she needs me, I could almost cry. I want to regain what we once had, but it doesn't seem to be an easy task. So much has come between us in the last little while. Countless times I have lain awake until the dawn thinking about how I can reach out to Maris. I want to believe in her, but ---

Am I falling in love with Daphne?

Maybe ---

But I could also just be responding to her warmth and geniality as a flower reacts to the sunlight. She makes me feel so good when I am around her. It could be something as simple as Daphne providing me an assuagement to the arduous complications of my relationship with Maris. She is an island of tranquil good nature in the sea of turmoil I find myself in at the moment. But Daphne has Joe and I am but a friend - to imagine anything else would just invite more chaos and I don't think I could survive any increased upheaval in my life right now.

Adieu.

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Daphne's Diary

Dear Diary:

I did something yesterday that I'm not very proud of. I took advantage of Dr. Crane - in fact I used everyone in the Crane family, his older brother and father too and Roz as well. I'll have to apologize to all of them. And I will.

I panicked when Clive Roddy suddenly appeared out of nowhere intent on declaring his undying love for me again. In order to stop him dead in his tracks, I just blurted out that Dr. Crane, who was just visiting at the time, was my husband, so Clive was too late to claim me as his. Of course to keep the lie going everyone had to join in and soon it was just a big jumble, with everyone pretending they were someone else. They all played along with me to a point, but I still feel shamed that I bullied them into fibbing so I wouldn't have to face Clive on my own. And as it turned out, I was wrong about Clive - he really has made something of himself, but by the time I found this out, my little sham had worked and he took off faster than Eddie when he's had too many drinks from the toilet. I don't know why I am such a coward about things like that. I just can't seem to come right out and confront someone when it has to do with any unpleasantness. I should have just sat down with Clive and honestly explained my current situation to him. I'm sure that Dr. Crane, either one of them for that matter, would say that I turn too often to avoidance to solve any problems I face.

I'm feeling guilty about another thing too. The minute that I realised that Clive wasn't the layabout that he used to be, I began to openly flirt with him, practically throwing myself at him like some cheeky trollop. Never mind that I looked like an utter fool in front of poor Dr. Crane and everyone - what about the fact that Joe and I are still going out? In the heat of my pursuit of Clive that night, I had conveniently forgotten that little fact.

Perhaps that was just more avoidance?

Joe and I haven't been arguing much lately, but we haven't been talking a whole lot either and that worries me. I want to keep seeing him, but I don't know what direction this is going in. As far as Joe is concerned, I don't what his feelings are on that subject. He's hinted that he might like to settle down - nothing concrete, just an attitude that pops up here and there, or a look that could mean that there is something more beneath the surface. It's all very vague. But when I press him on the issue he just clams up. He won't even look me in the eye. Its not like I want to trap him into marrying me by surprising him with a little bundle of joy. I know I'm not ready to do that yet. Oh, I want to have children, but there are a lot of things that I want to do before I move into that phase of my life.

That was the problem with Clive, and Reggie before him. They both wanted to push me into something that I didn't see myself doing at that point in time. Marriage, kids - look at Mum and Daddy, they married young and had a whole houseful of babies and where did that leave them as a couple. I watched them bicker and battle over the years - Mum slowly losing her spirit and mutating into a nagging sour housewife; my father drifting away from her and our family, in a river of Guinness. I watched over the years and hopefully I have learned something from their mistakes. I not going to rush towards anything remotely resembling that. I'm going to take my time and be sure --- really sure of my decisions. But how can I know if Joe is the one if we don't talk things out? I just want to know where I stand with Joe.

Hold on --- there's someone at the door and since both Dr. Crane and Mr. Crane are both out for the evening I'd better go and see who it is ---

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Dr. Crane has just left.

And get this --- he came over to tell me how sorry he was about last night! He told me he thought that he might have overstepped the line and was afraid that I might think of him as --- what was the word he used? Oh yes, he was afraid that I would think of him as a "rake". I was speechless to say the least! After all I had done, there he was begging forgiveness from me! Well, I just burst into tears. Don't ask me why. I just couldn't believe anyone could be so nice. I'm afraid I frightened him. He just stood there, his eyes darting around the room, mouth gaping, rocking back and forth slightly, with his arms half-opened, looking like he didn't know whether to comfort me or flee for his life.

Finally I forced the words out and told him that he had nothing to apologize for and that he had always been a perfect gentleman towards me. I said I was so embarrassed - he had always been so honest with me and there I was expecting him to fake something so ridiculous as being married to me. I assured him that I never would again put him in such an uncomfortable position, especially since he was struggling with his own marriage. He got the saddest look on his face - almost forlorn, like a little boy who has been left accidentally behind somewhere and doesn't know where to turn for help. He stepped back and turned towards the door to leave, mumbling something about it being all right and for me not to worry, there was no harm done. Suddenly the unease in my past behaviour just withered away. I reached out and placed my hand on his shoulder. I felt him shudder, even through his overcoat.

"Dr. Crane, are you all right?" I managed to sputter out. "Are we still friends?"

His shoulders sagged. His voice was lower than I had ever heard it before, almost raspy.

""It's all right, Daphne. I understand now. Don't worry, we are still friends. That will never change. Good night."

He slipped out of my grasp and closed the door behind himself lightly, without even turning around to glance at me. I felt terrible that I had even inadvertently hurt him. I wiped away the tears from my face. I had to make it up to him.

I opened the apartment door, hoping to catch up with him before he hit the street and drove off. To my surprise there he was sitting on the floor of the hallway beside the elevator door, knees up and his head resting in his folded arms. He looked very tired.

"Dr. Crane?"

He looked up at the sound of my voice.

"Would you like to go out and get some ice cream?"

He didn't answer right away, but slowly his face brightened, as if my words had helped retrieve a pleasant memory.

"I'd love to Daphne," he replied.

"I'll just get my coat and be back in a jiffy."

By the time I returned he had pressed the button for the lift and was holding the door, waiting there with a shy smile on his face.

We went to Abbott's and ordered a double dipper each. His was strawberry and mine chocolate, of course. He wanted to pay, but I insisted that it was my treat and so he graciously gave way. We talked about our childhood diseases - he won that list hands down, our ten most favourite foods and compared worst airplane flights. By the time we were finished our cones and he had walked me back to the apartment, an hour had passed and I knew I had been forgiven. He is such a good and kind person.

I hope that when I finally fall in love --- truly in love with someone, they are as understanding as Dr. Crane. When I think back now, I know I have been paying too much attention to how a person looks when I first meet them. Dr. Crane has shown me that it is what's in someone's heart that is the really important thing. That's what counts. I'm going to talk with Joe the next opportunity I get. I owe that much to him at least. No more avoidance - just some honest answers to what's going on with the two of us.

That's all I need. G'night.

Stay tuned for Part 6 (to be continued)