Just One Look
By Valma
Part 8: Letting Go and Hanging On

My Journey Through Life - Niles Crane

I'm doing my "homework" right now.

Dr. Traxler told me the other day to catalogue my worries and stresses and then list the good points in my life as well. It's a process that I've used with some of my own patients and can be very effective. By writing these sorts of things down it helps one get an overall perspective of your circumstances - you can see things balancing off of each other.

Well, let's see -

Miseries in My Life:

Maris is trying to destroy me financially, now that Schenkman has deserted her and I refused to take her back. She just doesn't get it! Even though I feel like I am sliding into the depths of hell most days, it is still better than hurling myself into the emotional abyss of returning to Maris. I would rather die that do that! But as Frasier said, there is a price to be paid for my freedom from her.

2) I had to move out of the Montana because I couldn't afford the rent.

3) My new home is ironically called "The Shangri-La", and it is, to put it plainly, a dump.

4) My lawyers are bleeding me dry. It wouldn't be so bad, if there were some results to show for all the money I have spent. But I seem to be no closer to finalizing my divorce from Maris than the day she started proceedings. Delay after delay, paperwork keeps mounting, court dates are made and broken with alarming regularity - it is all so depressing!

5) I have had very little appetite lately - which may be a blessing because I can't afford to eat out any more.

6) I can't sleep - but who could, in a bed that I have to hurl back up into the wall each morning!

7) My pet cockatoo, Baby, is picking up all sorts of vulgar sayings from the churls that surround me in my new abode.

8) Frasier has got so many problems of his own, now that he is unemployed, that he hasn't got time for my concerns.

9) My sex life has gone from wretched to worse. I slept with --- Lilith, of all people, although in my calumniating defense, I was dead drunk at the time. That makes it better, right? Of course when Frasier found out it nearly ruined our relationship. I could scarcely look him in the eye for weeks on end after that little fiasco.

10) My next conquest was a woman who neglected to tell me that she came with a rather rancorous husband, until after we had done the deed. To salvage my rapidly depleting self-respect, I of course ceased seeing her immediately, but for a while afterwards I lived in constant fear that "Old Rhino" was following me and planned to pick me off with his hunting rifle just for the sport of it.

11) Frasier tried to set me up with a barmaid from McGinty's who was old enough to be my mother, looked like a diminutive frog and had all the personality of an eggbeater. I'm beginning to feel like a prostitute. I might as well go stand under a street lamp in a thong!

12) I spent a night in jail because a frustrated old biddy friend of Maris thought I had bludgeoned my hopefully soon to be ex-wife to death. Now I wish I had.

13) I was expelled from my gourmet club after my "never-to-be-lived-down" Golden Apron presentation. Whenever I hear the word "Antwerp" it triggers a memory flash of the smell of rotting seal flesh.

And ---

14) To top it all off, I set Frasier's apartment on fire.

Onto my "Reasons to Live" list ---

1) When I am finally free and clear of Maris I am determined to ask Daphne out. It is the only thing that keeps me going nowadays.

That's it - period.

That didn't take long, did it? Not a very even, balanced list, to say the least.

But the mere hope of gaining Daphne's love is weighty enough to wipe the slate clean on the other side, if I can achieve that illusive task.

Traxler now l thinks that I am specifically obsessed with Daphne because I need to have an unattainable goal in my life. He says it is an issue that stems right back to my seeking approval from my mother, trying to live up to the exacting standards she set for both Frasier and myself in our youth. I am beginning to have my suspicions that Traxler is a closet Freudian --- and that means that I have to find a new therapist.

According to Traxler, I chose Maris to love because I knew it was an impossibility. I set myself up for inevitable failure on purpose. He is convinced that even if I did obtain Daphne's love I would not be satisfied and that I would eventually grow discontented, like I did with Maris, and seek some other impossible objective to punish myself for never fully satisfying my mother's demanding criteria before she died.

But I know he is wrong. I have thought about this often. I love her --- I really do --- I think.

The one point that bothers me is that if I love her - why can't I tell her?

Why can't I even ask her out on a date?

I've started having dreams about her again. Not just the ordinary Daphne dreams that I used to have, where she and I meet, go out and then get married. These --- these dreams are different. The one I had the other night after our dinner together was the most vivid one yet. I dreamt she kissed me. It was so sensual, so --- intense, I could feel her lips pressing against mine and taste her in my mouth. I could smell the woody floral scent of her perfume, surrounding me with the luxury of her presence. But erotic desires aren't the only feelings that these fantasies have produced. There is also a radiance of spirit that overtakes me when I have these imaginative experiences, a kind of tranquility that brings with it a peace of mind, knowing that I want for nothing as long as she is beside me. A resplendent sense of comfort and belonging that makes me feel complete and happy.

But then I awake.

It's just a dream - nothing more.

My reality is much different.

Is Traxler right? Is my love for Daphne just a guilt complex rooted in the fact that I felt I couldn't ever totally please my mother?

No --- I refuse to believe that! It can't be. Sometimes my yearning for her is so strong that I find myself thinking about her in the middle of a session when I am with one of my patients. I never felt this way about Maris - ever! I can't seem to get her out of my mind! I search for excuses to go over to Frasier's apartment on the off chance that she might appear, carrying a laundry basket, needing help with some groceries or, if I am really lucky, just settling in to watch a movie or television program. Then I can pretend to take an interest in whatever is flitting past on the screen and I get to sit with her for the next hour or two. She makes me feel like a being a better person whenever I am near her.

And yet, there are times when being around Daphne is almost torturous. It's strange - I can chatter on for hours with her about her family, our likes and dislikes in food or movies, about the idle gossip around the Elliot Bay Towers - almost anything. Anything that is, except to come clean about how much I adore her. I have tried! I just can't summon the courage to get the words out. I have been so close sometimes - like the other night, but then I find myself becoming completely inarticulate, unable to string three words together without disintegrating into a puddle of nervous tics and awkward, maladroit movements. Frasier thinks that my inability to talk to her about my emotions is due to the fact that I have been through such a terrible time with Maris. He says I am just terrified of Daphne rejecting me too, so my self-assurance just dissolves whenever I attempt to confront her about how I feel.

But if I were truly free and clear of Maris, maybe things would be different then? Perhaps I wouldn't imagine Daphne looking at me as a "separated" man with unresolved issues or a man in the messy "process" of getting a divorce. I wouldn't come with a lot of cumbersome baggage. I would be viewed as someone who had put all my bitterness behind me and would be able to devote myself to her totally, give her my undivided attention. Then I would feel more confident about taking an emotional gamble and confessing my love to her. Then I would be ready to take a chance. If only ---

Adieu.

* *

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Daphne's Diary

Dear Diary,

Just when you think you have your whole life figured out, boom - the unexpected happens!

I met a man the other day!

His name is Donny - Donny Douglas. He's a lawyer --- actually he's Dr. Crane's lawyer and was just hired by him to speed things along with his divorce. And he certainly does work quickly - in more ways than one!

He's sharp as a tack, a real down to earth guy with a good sense of humor, friendly, a talkative manner and highly successful in his job. He seems to be a genuine "people" person - caring and responsive to other's needs. He certainly has tackled Dr. Crane's case with a passion that none of his other lawyers ever did.

You see he came over to prepare the Cranes for their depositions yesterday afternoon. We were just finishing up when one of Mrs. Crane's lawyers called and said that they were going to take the position that Dr. Crane was solely the one responsible for the failure of the marriage due to what Donny called "alienation of affection". If they got a judge to buy that, it meant that Dr. Crane would be stuck paying his wife a huge sum of money to compensate for her "humiliation"! As outrageous as that seems, the most ridiculous part was that she was saying that I was the "other woman"! She was basing this accusation on the time we went to the Snowball together. When I heard that I was a bit worried actually. Trouble was that it did appear that Dr. Crane and I were an "item" as they say, but in reality we were just putting on a show for his snobby friends.

Donny wanted me to be very careful how I answered their questions in court - one slip up and Dr. Crane could be roasted alive by his wife. I went with him to his office to review my statement over before the session the next day. He was very professional and I liked that he was doing his best for Dr. Crane. After about an hour we were finished and I was about ready to leave, when he looked up at me from behind his desk and asked if I were hungry. When he smiled at me, I suddenly became aware that he might be interested in more than just a bite to eat. At first I was going to say no, but in a flash I thought, "Why not? He seems like a nice chap. I should give him half a chance. I'm not seeing anyone at the moment. If it doesn't work out, at least I got a meal out of it."

We went to a little bar just around the corner from his building, called "The Juke Box". It was filled with all sorts of professional people, but it had a cozy neighborhood feel about it. We talked about all sorts of things. He was especially fascinated with how I had struck out on my own at such a young age and came to America to find employment. I found out that he had been in Seattle about 10 years and that he had moved around quite a bit himself, mainly because his mum had remarried a number of times.

The evening wore on and we ordered another bottle of wine. Neither one of us wanted to call it a night, so we just kept sitting there - sometimes just looking at each other, sometimes asking more questions, exploring the possibilities and getting to know each other better. Finally the conversation shifted to listing our favourite haunts around town.

"There's a coffee house just around the corner from the court house, the Café Nervosa - ever been there?" I asked.

"No, I haven't actually," he said and then added, "But had I known that you made it a regular stop I would have bought part ownership in it by now."

I laughed at his flattery.

"You're too kind," I giggled.

"And you are too beautiful."

I raised my eyebrow slightly. Not a lot of subtlety, but sometimes a direct approach can be effective in the hands of a skillful operator.

"I'm sorry if I seem like I'm pushing too hard," he continued. "But all my training as a lawyer has taught me to read situations instantly and strike when the iron is hot. And I figure someone as gorgeous and intelligent as you, who is also single, wouldn't be available if I were to dillydally too long."

He glanced down at his wineglass and then back up at me. This was definitely a man who knew how to use words to get his point across. I could see why he won court cases.

"Sooooo, it's getting late and what I want to know is, will you go out with me, Miss Moon?"

I laughed. He was so frank, so focused and so "to the point". I had never met someone like him before.

And then I smiled. I liked his straightforwardness.

"Yes," I answered, "Yes, Mr. Douglas I will."

"Then you better call me Donny," he retorted and clasped my hand with a firm, but gentle grip, bringing my fingers up to his mouth and giving them a little kiss.

I blushed. Charming, but assertive - interesting combination.

"All right --- Donny," I found myself saying. "See you tomorrow. How about for lunch, after the depositions at Nervosa?

"Perfect," he replied. "Now let's get you safely home."

And with that we left. All the way, as we drove through the empty streets, I kept wondering if I should kiss him goodnight and by the time he pulled up to the Elliot Bay towers I had changed my mind about a dozen times. As he turned off the engine and escorted me to the front foyer I could sense that he wanted to kiss me. He paused as he opened the door for me and looked down at the ground.

"Do I pass the first round of tests enough to get a kiss?" he inquired cagily.

It had been awhile since I was a girlfriend to someone. I missed that feeling of being wanted and desired. I could see myself going out with Donny - his honesty and eagerness was very attractive.

"Yes," I said simply and I bent down slightly and reached out towards him.

His kiss was firm and responsive. No tongue - that would have been too brassy and even a fearless lawyer knows when not to push his luck too much.

We said our good-byes and I watched him get into his car and drive away before I pressed for the lift.

By the time I unlocked the front door to the apartment it was well after midnight. Everyone was fast asleep. I crept quietly to my room, to mull over the rush of events that had happened in the past few hours.

Tomorrow will be a busy day and an important day for Dr. Crane. Hopefully, if all goes well, he will be celebrating something that he has been looking forward to for quite a while. He will finally be free to be happy! I'm so glad for him - he deserves some joy in his life after all he has been through.

I don't think I will mention about this new development between Donny and me until after his case has been settled. I don't want to put the spotlight on our newfound relationship, when Dr. Crane is finalizing the breaking up of his marriage. That just wouldn't seem right. After it is all over, there will be time enough to announce that Donny and I are together. Then we will have two things to cheer about!

Goodnight Diary!

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

* My Journey Through Life - Niles Crane

I feel like the gum on the bottom of someone's shoe.

I'm home now, but Frasier informed me that I spent most of the night under his piano, "drinking, moaning and whining" as he so kindly put it, until I became completely inebriated and mercifully passed out.

Eventually I had to be dragged out from under the piano and apparently at one point Frasier had to forcibly pry my fingers from off one of the legs, while I muttered something about wanting to die where I lay.

Not my finest hour, to be sure. My one consolation is that Daphne wasn't anywhere around when I decided to put on such a besotted exhibition.

She, of course, was out on a date with Donny.

Out on a date with Donny --- those words could have been rapiers the way they skewered my heart to the pit of my stomach.

On what should have been one of the happiest days of my life, I have nothing inside of me except heartache and pain. And now a dreadful hangover as well.

I got a tremendous settlement in my divorce from Maris. I never expected to triumph in such a fashion, but it is meaningless now. I would willingly have given all the money I got back, would gladly have stayed forever imprisoned at the Shangri-La and happily eaten bologna sandwiches and drank jug wine for the rest of my life, if any of that would have stopped Daphne from going to Donny Douglas' office yesterday. Small sacrifices for what I would have gained in return.

As I sat in the court room earlier that day, listening to the judge decree that Maris was not the injured party in this divorce case, I allowed myself the extravagance of imagining how I was going to ask Daphne out when we got back to Frasier's to celebrate. I had narrowed it down to a selection of one of five ways, by the time Frasier and I made our way to Nervosa for refreshments.

All the ill-fated factors that appeared to have stymied me over the past years finally seemed to be fortuitously in the past now. I was free of Maris, legally and emotionally. Daphne was unattached. I was financially secure again. My mood was buoyant and I was in a totally sanguine temperament!

But that uplifting confidence vanished in just one look.

As I turned around hoping to catch the eye of a hurried waiter, I was struck by the jarring vision of Donny and Daphne snuggled up together on a bench in Nervosa. Devastation is too mild of a term to describe the ensuing melancholy that overtook me in that fleeting instant.

Daphne's "got a thing" for him - I can tell. Her whole demeanor proclaimed it even without her saying a word. She giggled and blushed the whole time when Frasier and I met them in the Café Nervosa this afternoon. I saw the same look in her eyes that I saw when she confessed that she was enamored with Joe. Her face radiated with that glow that lights up the room. Even though it took all my will power, I managed to smile at them as they informed us about the details of how they came together after Daphne had worked with Donny on my case. I barely had enough strength left though, to stumble back to my chair when they started cooing at each other and sipping on their coffees. I just couldn't stand seeing him sitting so close beside her a moment longer! Now he was the one smelling her hair and not me!

As the blood roared in my ears, I thought I could faintly hear Frasier muttering some sort of feeble excuse as to why the two of us couldn't join them in a celebratory dinner. Good old Frasier - he knew that I would want to be alone at a time like this. I was allow one night of feeling sorry for myself at least. I know I should feel grateful for all Donny has done for me - I never would have been free of Maris so soon if it wasn't for him. That's what makes it worse! I have no right to hate him - but I do!

Timing and courage is everything and unfortunately I seemed to have neither in the past. All my rational explanations for not asking her out long ago amounted to nothing more than fallacious reasoning, in light of what unfolded before my eyes in the café. Oh yes, I always had a monolith of excuses! First I was waiting for a sign from her, some type of evidence that she was attracted to me. Next I was waiting to be free of Maris. Then I was waiting to present myself as an unfettered man to her. I was always waiting, waiting, waiting --- but that is going to change!

My mind is in a fog right now, what between the overload of sherry last night, the stress of the court proceedings with Maris and the discovery of Daphne and Donny being a couple. But I can't give up! I won't give up! I still might have a chance if I act quickly before they become too close.

I shall continue to camouflage my passion for her in the guise of camaraderie. Oh, the friendship isn't a lie; it's just that I want it to be more than just that - much more.

But what I need is some rest right now --- and then when I awake, maybe then I can start thinking of how I can get Daphne away from Donny.

I've got to have a plan ---

Adieu.

Stay tuned for Part 9 (to be continued)