Disclaimer: I don't own.
A/N: I am so sorry. SO sorry. It's been so long since the last time I've updated, but I've been busy adjusting to my new school and life style. WHICH are bad excuses. All I can do is give you another chapter and maybe more? Heehee… Okay, I'll start now! Don't have to read anymore and try to kill me…
Of Broken Hearts and Renewal
Chapter 13: Think Happy Thoughts
"So what do I do, think happy thoughts?" Inuyasha asked, indicating the certain rusty sword he had in hand. He could note the sounds of the forest, before him, which for some reason calmed and soothed his aching soul. They had just come back from Inuyasha's home, sneaking away his sword. They had snuck efficiently quietly enough and quick enough to avoid any attention coming from them from so called home of Kagome Higurashi. Well what would you have done with a demon raged crazy gramps?
They had crept into the well house and hopped down the well of 'swirling bright pretty colours' as Inuyasha described after somehow falling into the well, Kagome swearing it was an accident. Kagome made a pretty safe landing while Inuyasha bumble here and to. After regaining some dignity, Inuyasha followed Kagome.
"No,….um….well maybe?"
Inuyasha closed his eyes and imagined. Hard. "Okay, Bunnies….. No, no…um…..blue sky's, no that's quite way to sing songy…hmm…getting stuck on a tropical island with 20 hot models….." Kagome could have sworn she saw already a lopsided smile appear on his face and a hint of milky drool. Inuyasha, for sure was in sheer luxurious fantasy.
"You're such a perv…" Kagome accused him, glaring at him from the corner of her eyes.
"But you've got to admit. If you were a guy…..that's be heaven." Inuyasha smirked his oh so famous smirk.
"Um…... Hello? If you haven't noticed, Inuyasha I'm a girl. Luckily I'm not hormonally challenged."
"Okay, seriously. How do you make this work?"
Finally! Down to serious business. Kagome sighed and said, "Simple, you've just got to protect someone."
"And why exactly did you not tell me this in the beginning? Hmm?" Inuyasha sighed and then smirked, mockingly. "For instance… since their isn't anyone else it will be poor defenseless Kagome." Sarcasm oozed from each word.
"Fine. Let's just go get a demon to attack. And don't worry. I have my bow and arrows."
With that, they entered the demon infested forest, feet crunching noisily on the debrish of the forest floor. Inuyasha, the old Inuyasha, use to walk so noiselessly. Kagome couldn't help but think, sadly. They neared the tree where Inuyasha was pinned, Kagome noted which felt so long ago, and it didn't help matters. For one thing, Inuyasha was ignorant and oblivious to this was ever, or so it seemed to her. He just pushed stray branches away carelessness, suddenly a sense of familiarity filled him. "You know.. Kagome? Maybe me being like this isn't so bad? That whole loosing memory. I mean, if I was supposedly in love with you-"
"Who said that!" Kagome blushed, prepared to horribly deny everything he accused of her next.
"Shippou… But I mean. If I were to be from here originally, how could I have ever been able to live in your world? It seems so much of the opposite. Maybe it was better this way? To come to you another way, not like originally. Y'kno what I'm saying, right? Maybe it's not so bad…"
"But.." Kagome barely whispered, pushing aside another stray branch. "You're not him… You don't seem to have his .. essence. I can feel his soul in you, but you're just not him…" Sadness enveloped her voice, and her words crushed his heart. I'm not good enough for you? That's not fair, you can't expect me to be just like him. It's like I'm suppose to fulfill this guy's shadow for Kami's sake!
But he kept his thoughts to himself. He learned his lesson for trying to tell Kagome his thoughts of maybe just accepting the fact that his whole losing memory thing wasn't as bad as it seemed. It seemed like it was the end of the world for Kagome at him being him. Why couldn't she just accept him for him or the fact that maybe, maybe he won't ever be whoever he was before.
"So how do we get the demons to attack?" Inuyasha whispered anxiety creeping and anxious to lose that tension just a moment ago.
"Well flap your hands around or something," Kagome whispered back, seeming that she wanted to forget too. Inuyasha raised his eyebrow and gave her a yea-right-you've-got-to-be-shitting-me look.
"Well do something!"
"Okay…..Yo! You puny little demons! I'm the almighty Inuyasha! Fear me! Mhuaha-Haha-Ha. And looky! Here's a girl who wants to kick your arses! So you can come out now! Oh, she'd make a perfect sacrifice at that, too. Look at her, she very very beautiful, oh so beautiful!" Already the hint of sarcasm etched his voice. "And her body's to boot! And further ye- "
"You stupid idiot! They're fighting you!" Kagome hissed at him.
"Oh……..um…... oopsy? But you see it is a plus now I have ever so more a reason to protect you," Inuyasha shrugged using his illogical logic. Kagome gave him a dead panned look. A rush of feathers made them quickly turn their heads, and the voice of the forest Inuyasha had noted before had suddenly ceased to exist. Suddenly, she felt her pulse quicken as she sensed the swarm of demons suddenly entering their viewpoint. Her eyes darted around, analyzing the situation.
"Shoot! Inuyasha! I never meant a whole army of them! I meant just a few." She scolded, her volume of voice back to normal range.
"Well you told me to get them here." Inuyasha countered, jumping back as a demon tried to make a clean swipe at him, matching her annoyance.
"Well go! Go kill them or something at least! Don't just stand there!"
"Oh, I forgot to mention. How do I use this sword again? I have no clue."
"Just wing your sword!" Kagome ducked away from some poisonous darts extracted from a bug like demon. "Are you ready?" Kagome asked Inuyasha.
"Ready as I'll ever be."
"Also, you might want to return to your true form. You know, Hanyou? Not just.. you're kind of half half thing going on at the moment, just in case."
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"Uhm.. Oopsy? Slipped my mind…" Kagome sighed nonchalantly.
Inuyasha quickly transformed to his true form and charged head first against the demons, which proved to be a mistake as he was thrown roughly against a tree. "Kagome, this is not working."
"I never said charge head first now did I? That's not even logical!"
"Quit your bitching and hel-" He jumped back from a tail slashing his way. "Screw this." He sheathed his sword and ran in, using his claws as weapons. "This actually works Kagome!" He shouted, sudden amusement and slight cruelty in his voice.
"No you idiot! Use the sword! Use the sword! You can't master the sword unless you use it. " She scolded behind a patch of bushes. Yet, unwittingly distracted enough demons to notice her in their vicinity.
"So, it looks like the Miko has returned with her Hanyou. He looked familiar, but rumors were told of his demise…" The creatures hissed menacingly, emphasizing the 's' and 'r'. Their lips were twisted into a maniacal grin. "We'll just devour you and gain strength and the undying respect for your demise." In fluid motions they moved towards Kagome, saliva trailing down their opened jaws. "Perish foolish mortal."
"Inuyasha!" Kagome shouted, panic reached her as her hands failed to find her bow quick enough. She closed her eyes, wandering how she could have been such a fool to train Inuyasha by herself. It was my fault really, I just went on a fool's hope and errand. Hoping to spend time with him and most of all. To get him back to me.
"Stay away from Kagome!" She could hear Inuyasha shout, yet it seemed too far away to save her. A sound of slithering and dissolving passed by, yet there was no pain. She opened one eye and saw Inuyasha infront her, staring at his sword in wonder. He transformed sword.
"You awake, yet? Kami, you are such a chicken. I told you I'd protect you."
"These were only lower class demons" Kagome stood up, dusting off her pants. She smiled warmly though, happy to hear those words. "But thanks."
Inuyasha couldn't help grinning like a fool though, especially with a look like that in her eyes and mouth. It seemed she was actually accepting him instead of comparing him. Suddenly, a loud rustle and thump not far away ruined their sweet moment. Whatever it was, seemed to be surrounding them, slithering around. A glistening green scaled tail rapidly encircled them, squeezing the air out of their lungs.
"Eh Kagome? Isn't this demon….oh I don't know…..a bit stronger than the others?" Inuyasha struggled, trying to break free.
"Yea, speaking of that.. Could you break us free." Kagome weezed.
He smirked and started slicing carelessly at the demon's tail. The area became piled up with rotting demon flesh with its nerves still controlling the meat. But they had not killed the whole demon. It suddenly appeared in the clearing, and its tail had already grown back.
"I need help here!" He shouted, as the demon's hypnotic eyes leered at him, measuring him up. "Can you not look at me that way? I am fed up with those damn looks, you fucking bastard." He narrowed his eyes, as he dodged the demon's unending thrashing tail. "Kagome? Can you hear me? Help me out here!"
"Okay, okay. Just wait. Do you smell or sense your demonic auras' clashing?"
"I don't have time to do that, Kagome!" Inuyasha said while managing to dodge a few attacks, yet the sharp edges of the demon's tail left flesh wounds on him already.
"Trust me! Close your eyes."
He glared at her and decided to take her advice closing his eyes. He frowned slightly, that psycho was right. It seemed so familiar to him. He knew before Kagome told him right then and there that he had to swing at the collision of the two demonic auras. He took a breath with his eyes closed and swung but that's when the images flitted pass his dark vision.
Inuyasha guessed that he probably passed out or something and now was in 'LaLa' land because for some idiotic reason he was in a different place then he remembered when his eyes were open the last time.
For some cruel reason and unusual reason he was in another battle this time with an even tougher demon. Except, there were odd unexplainable reasons for the body he inhabited was his except he was wearing some comfortable outfit made of red material but it seemed as if he was another "being" inhabiting this body. Or more likely studying from behind the eyes of the body. This body felt so familiar but at the same time worlds apart differences. He concluded that this being was his past self. He, was watching through the eyes of the past Inuyasha who was fighting Sesshoumaru except this Sesshoumaru was a bit…. heartless. He was unlike the caring Sesshoumaru, even if Inuyasha barely so it. But there was something about his eyes, he had to guess that Rin, Shippou, and even his baby self had made Sesshoumaru's heart heal.
He could tell this was the first time he was wielding Tetsusaiga because it felt just unfamiliar to him as he fought that snake demon as it did now. Inuyasha looked as he futilely attempted to kick the true form of Sesshoumaru's ass. As the images came by he saw Kagome. He protected her from the true form of Sesshoumaru. Images flew by but still he could not really define what he was seeing. He tried to focus on one scene that sparked his interest, yet as soon as he did it became cloudier. He knew that when he was to wake up he'd only remember a few or forget all this all together. And for some reason, it saddened him yet relieved him.
Then the scene where he used the same attack he used on the second-class demon came. He recalled it being called 'Wind scar' from nit picking through these ancient memories. It seemed as if his soul wanted to remember everything once more but something kept suppressing it. Some force didn't want him to remember. Maybe it was his will because.. what if when this Inuyasha Kagome really loved came back?
What if he remembered? What would happen to him then? Would he be the same? Would he lose himself? Would Kagome love only her Inuyasha and not this Inuyasha? Not love him for who he was now? For when the images passed by he felt what his past felt for Kagome. The same he felt for her now. He loved her. He loved her so much he'd give himself up for her happiness. That's what scared him. Never in his life had he loved someone so deeply. Even his past never had.
Then thoughts came in as he stopped putting all his concentration on witnessing his past forgotten memories. They stopped suddenly and he realized that that was the end. His past was gone. Literally. If he tried to remember he could remember faintly and he knew that when he returned he could not bear to tell Kagome what he remembered because when he woke up he would not remember.
He realized he was lost. The grayness of his background as he floated in his lost memories was the symbol of his lost. He had so much time to think.
An entire eternity.
He knew he was not dead. He could tell that he was breathing and hear and feel his heart beating. No, right now he was gone for just a while. And he needed this… 'gone.'
So was he only the barrier between Kagome and her love? Was he just some kind of replacement? No, Kagome wouldn't. He remembered that she told him what she felt like with Kikyou. She said she would never feel this way to him. She thought it was unfair. And this feeling was unfair. Yet, in a way she was doing this to him. Somehow comparing him with his old self to his new self, yet… She still accepted him. He loved Kagome. But he was lost. Would he give up everything, even his love for her just to let her be happy? It was not a hard question.
The answer would be yes. Yes, he would give up all his hopes and dreams for her to be happy. Yes, he'd give up his love for her so that the past would be remembered and she could be happy. But would he just fade away after? No he was the same person as Inuyasha, in many ways. It was just he lost his memories. But yes…..He'd lose himself just for her.
People say love hurts. He would agree with that. People say living is a very hard task. Yes, he believed that. But Death is hard also. Just that his love could not die. The burning blaze would soon amount to nothing but a small flicker but never distinguish. So he could not do that for Kagome. He could love her form afar.
He would fade away and love her from afar.
That's all he could do, anyways.
( Okay so now suddenly this fic is getting a bit OOC different ishness... Sorry! But you see wouldn't you wander if you were really you and not just some lost memory person? I mean seriously. He can't go around without a care. Wouldn't he end up thinking the same thoughts as Kagome would about Kikyou?)
Kagome stared at Inuyasha's still form intently, wherever his mind was at the moment, she could see it was not something he would fond over. Waves of guilt sometimes would wash through her, making her vision hazy. Yet, no tears escaped from where they belonged most. She held his callused, big, yet comforting hands in her own. She squeezed every now and then, beckoning him back to her.
Luckily, he had disintegrated the demon including many minors ones also with that powerful attack, yet even before Kagome could cry with glee, Inuyasha feel unconscious. She wasn't sure if it was lack of blood or poison, she was positive he stronger than that. Yet, she was completely and utterly puzzled at his unconscious form. "Inuyasha…" Kagome muttered, watching his facial expressions. How I wish I could take you back to reality and hold you. Tell you how sorry I am, you stupid jerk.
This is all my fault. She thought, mournfully. If only I could have waited for Sango and Miroku to come back. I am so selfish. Now look at where we're at? Inuyasha is unconscious and I don't even know if he's coming back. His breathing is so ragged and shallow, yet his ribs have healed already… I should never have pushed him so far. I just… I just hoped he would come back to my this way. I.. I want him back. Now that I'm so close… Haven't I waited long enough?
Tears threatened more than ever to fall from her eyes. She looked up to the old wooden ceiling she had grown to be familiar with. Don't I deserve to be with him, after everything? Her eyes seemed to plead with the god's, with everything, with anything. Look at him. He's trying so much to make me happy. And yet, here I am. Begging for my own happiness when his safety was in my hands, IS in my hands. Kagome looked down to Inuyasha, after making sure her tears did not threaten anymore. I am… I am doing exactly what Inuyasha did to me with Kikiyou. I'm not being fair to him now.
She gripped her hands tightly into fists, suddenly realizing something and hating herself even more so. "Inuyasha…" Kagome croaked out, her voice raspy. "I'm so sorry. I should never… never have compared you and hoped you to be someone you're not. Forcing you to be someone you're not." She smiled sadly. "But.. can you blame me? I know you can, and I just hope you know that I won't try again. I'm going to accept everything you've become and hope. Just hope one day you might come back to me. Fully." She gave his hand a weak squeeze, suddenly tired.
The battle and day had taken quite a toll out of her. She gently rested her head against his rising chest. For some reason his breathing seemed at ease finally. And if you don't come back to me all the way. I'll always be here. And I'll always love you. Whatever, whoever you want to be… I just want you to be happy. She gave a small smile, her eyes slowly closing. Forever…
Inuyasha slowly opened his eyes and blinked away the haze infesting his vision. He stared at a wooden roof that seemed quite familiar and sat up hastily. Or tried to sit up. Someone was grasping his hand as if for dear life. The hand was soft, and a soft scent wafted across his nose. There was also a weight on his chest, and he moved his eyes down to see what or who it was exactly. Kagome?
He felt the blood rising to his face and even more so when he realized it was her hands intertwined with his. For some reason though, he didn't pull a way. It felt nice, for once, being with her didn't feel so… hopeless. He laid his head back down, staring at that ceiling once more. He could die peacefully now, just having that small hand wrapped around his with that precious scent in the air. He gave the hand a slight squeeze and started to close his eyes. Where was he now? He tried to remember what he dreamt but his mind was all jumbled.
He would fade away and love her from afar.
That's all he could do, anyways.
What had happened? He blinked a couple of times. It felt like he had amnesia but except he remembered everything one moment and the next he lost it all once again. He squeezed his eyes shut, at the oncoming headache. What was he doing? This is horrible, he couldn't let keep letting his heart be toyed like this. But his foreboding thoughts were disrupted by a conscious girl.
"Inuyasha! You're awake! Are you okay? Inuyasha! No, don't go to sleep. Don't die on me!" He felt her lightly shaking his hand and suddenly it became rough.
Opening one eye, he stared at her as if she were his personal pet peeve. "I'm alive. Please recline from abusing me any further. I need that hand to wield the Tetsusaiga." I have to push her away… But it's so hard. So hard to let go after such a long journey.
"Well you wouldn't let go…" She trailed off, he could see her mind trying to process something. He would not let that be completed.
"Ah well, I'm okay… Ya don't have to worry… Jeez, you act like my mom or something…. Plus, you took my hand first!" He argued in defense, taking his hand suddenly back. Damn..
"Well it's not my fault you make me worry!" He looked over at her face which was full of concern. How he wished for her to love him like she did for his past self, right then and there.
"W-what happened Kagome?" Inuyasha asked quietly more too himself. He could taste the remains of a bitterroot tea.
"You fainted after you disintegrated the rest of the demons. It turned out there were a bunch of them behind that one tall one. You used the full attack of the Tetsusaiga but somehow it was either too much for you or something but you fainted. There were minor demons left though but I took care of that. I dragged you back to Kaede's village. We're in her hut now. You healed pretty fast. It's just been forty-five minutes."
"Kagome……..What time is it?" Inuyasha asked looking anywhere but her.
"Well it's almost eleven." Kagome said after checking her wristwatch.
"I think we better go home." Inuyasha said getting up. He felt lightheaded as the blood rushed to his head but it was quickly over. Yea the sooner the better I can get away so I don't have to feel all of… this. He thought bitterly.
Kagome looked uncertain but helped him up. She wondered why he was suddenly so quiet and distant towards her. He wasn't making any eye contact at all. What happened to him when he was unconscious?
On their way out of the hut they bumped into Kaede who was returning from picking some medical herbs.
"Lady Kaede, we're leaving now. It seems that Inuyasha is fine. Thank you very much," Kagome bowed.
"Ah yes. Inuyasha let me get a quick look. I wouldn't like feeling guilty and worried if I didn't." Kaede motioned Inuyasha to come closer to her. She checked him over as Kagome made pleasant conversation.
"So have Sango and Miroku come back from their quest?"
"Aye, no child. I'm afraid they're still out there battling Naraku and searching for the Shikon jewels. But I do wish they'd come. What a sight they'd be when they realize Inuyasha has come back." Kaede mused, circling Inuyasha.
"Yea, I hope they come back soon. Has word been sent about their return?"
"Not of yet. Inuyasha since I see you're okay ye may go now."
(A/N: nnggggggg……..I can't write ye, aye, and olden day words too much! But it's like Kaede's the only one speaking like that in the whole entire series…)
"Goodbye Kaede. I'll come back sometime later." Kagome bowed once more.
"Bye." Inuyasha muttered.
"Have a good night ye too."
They walked back to the well quietly for a period of time before Kagome couldn't stand the awkward silence anymore.
"Inuyasha, what did you see when you were unconscious? What happened?" Kagome asked, concern etching her voice as she broke the silence.
"What do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb. What happened? You're not making any eye contact with me or really talking to me. It's like you're avoiding me. Or worse! Ignoring me."
"I'm not avoiding you." Inuyasha said with conviction.
"Inuyasha why are you five feet away from me then?"
"Fine. Fine! Fine! Fine! You want to know what happened? Well I just realized something. I don't remember. I don't remember anything. And I think I don't want to. I forgot what I saw but I remembered this stupid piece of shit that I don't want to remember."
"What do you mean? What did you see?"
"I forgot what I saw but I remember what I felt." Inuyasha spat out bitterly. He did not want to remember this pain. This feeling of lost and loneliness. Funny Inuyasha wrylythought. Kagome had gone through the same thing yesterday except this situation was different. She was one person with her own memories. His were of two people and one body. Oh the irony.
"What happened to you?" Kagome asked earnestly and intently once more.
"It's just I don't want to lose you." Inuyasha whispered mournfully, as if he had already lost her. Kagome didn't quite catch what he said. He picked up his pace and soon bounded towards the well
"Inuyasha!" Kagome shouted after him, making him stop in his tracks. She ran up to him, trying to make sense of what she was thinking and speaking "Listen to me! Remember the promise we made? We'd help each other out? Well I'm here to help." Kagome reasoned with him. She grabbed his arm, which went rigid then slack. They had just stopped infront of the well.
"I realized something. I saw something that I can't remember. I just don't know…. I forget. But I realized that maybe I'm not who you think I am. I don't remember who Inuyasha was. I'm not the old Inuyasha. Don't get me wrong. I mean we're the same body and soul. Just that we're different. WE each have different memories. I don't know what to make of that but…..I'm at a lost here Kagome..." Inuyasha gazed at Kagome with the most forlorn eyes she had ever seen. She looked at him straight in the eyes and there was her answer.
Kagome realized that he thought that if his past memories came back that she would only love his past not him as of now. And she guessed he was right. She loved his past but she loved his new memories also. She loved him because he was the same soul she fell inlove with. Just that this Inuyasha just had lost his memories.
Kagome hugged him.
"Inuyasha, don't worry. No matter what I'll always care for you. Maybe I just need a little more time getting over your lost past but remember. You're the same person. Don't worry yourself out. I love you through thick and thin. Memory or no memory. Got it?"
Love? But… which love…
Inuyasha stared wide-eyed as she embraced him, his arms fighting between hugging her or suffering the shock and staying slack. Except he could not bring himself to hug her back. Maybe because he wasn't ready. Maybe he still needed to find out who he was. He felt he was double-crossing his own self. Like he was going behind an old friend's back. But…. Someday Kagome, he vowed silently to himself. Some day I will find the courage to embrace you. But I will never find the strength to erase you.
Kagome looked up at him and smiled. He smiled faintly back. They jumped into the well hand in hand.
(awwwww. Fluff! See this author isn't all in depressing scenes. Remember. Depressing scene good future fluff scenes. Just something to keep in mind. Yes and the lovey doveyness is coming pretty quick but the supposedly know each other for years. Remember past and future. )
Kagome entered her house breathless and bent down to take off her shoes. She shouted a quick , "I'm home!" while bending down taking off her shoes. She hummed happily as she went over in her mind the past few hours. She smiled.
She looked up after taking off her shoes and saw her teary red puffed up eyed mom. Her mother looked like a mess and she could tell she had been crying because of her sniffling.
"Hey Mom. Why-" Kagome heard a sniffle from the stairs and turned her head to see Souta there also sniffling and tear glazed eyes.
"Souta? What's wrong? Mom? Why are you all crying?" Kagome questioned. Souta ran down the stares and hugged his sister as new sobs were muffled by his face pressed helplessly against her stomach and his tears melded into her blouse. She bent down and hugged him, trying to comfort him.
"Souta, there there. It's okay." Kagome counseled her brother. "Mom what's the matter? Where's gramps? Is he okay? Did something happen to him? Or is it one of your soaps?" Kagome filled with dread at what her mother was about to tell her. A million possibilities and questions flitted past Kagome's mind.
"Kagome, you're..you're father. He's…gone…" Her mother told her between tears.
Kagome stared blankly at her mother for a couple of seconds. Nothing really seemed to cross her mind or face, no emotion or thought as all. "Oh." Kagome plainly stated. She patted her brother on the head and walked up the stairs, just like any normal day.
A/N: Well I think I've been out of touch for TOO LONG. And I simply must beg your pardon. I hope my chapters haven't changed so much, since I haven't returned to this in awhile. I guess I've had no inspiration for the longest of times, but ah well. I hope you liked it. Prepared for anything in the following next chapters. Oh happy joy
Safreil
