Just One Look

By Valma

Part 12: A Midnight Unclear

Daphne's Diary

Dear Diary:

Deck the halls with bows of holly,

Fah-la-la-la-lah-la-la-la-lah.

T'is the season to be jolly,

Fah-la-la-la-lah-la-la-la-lah.

I can still hear that familiar song as it floated over the revelers who had gathered around the piano earlier in the evening to "sing in the season".

It's almost Christmas. Donny was by my side, slurping on a rum eggnog. The apartment had been tastefully decorated this year, much to Mr. Crane's dismay. There was plenty of gourmet food and expensive booze. I had been told at least a hundred times by my devoted fiancé that the dress I was wearing looked "snazzy" and that I was a complete "knock out".

The party went relatively smoothly once it finally got started, which is really surprising when you think of it. Nothing was set on fire, no one launched into an argument about the superiority of Brecht over Ionesco, everyone behaved in a perfectly civilized manner - some even looked like they were having fun, once the drinks started to flow.

All was calm - all was bright.

So why was I so disturbed by the evening's end?

Why can't I get to sleep even now? I just keep staring at the clock - 2:00 a.m. now --- I feel like my brain is on fire.

Why is it every time I close my eyes all I see Dr. Crane looking lovingly down at Mel as he tenderly slipped a pair of antique earrings that he had bought her onto her ears? I've tried to push that scene out of my mind, but it won't go away. Why should I care about that? He gave his girlfriend a Christmas present - big deal. They kissed discreetly and then stole quietly out of the party and weren't seen again. They probably went back to his place and --- and - what difference does it make to me what they did then? It's none of my bloody business! But --- there's also another bothersome image that keeps cropping up --- happened earlier, on the balcony --- ooooh, I wish Donny had decided to stay here for the night instead of going back to his apartment. I know he had to be up early to drive to Oregon to see his brother and his family, but I could really do with a hug from him right now. I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride all day and now it just seems to be getting worse, not better.

I thought at one point that everything was going to finally turn around and be set right, but I was wrong --- even though what I had fearing the most all day, never happened.

I should be relieved. I haven't any reason not to be.

But strangely I'm not.

Maybe I should start at the beginning ---

I began to feel out of sorts when I accidentally heard Dr. Crane talking to his brother in the kitchen --- no, come to think of it, what really set me off, took place much earlier.

Try as I might, I couldn't get what Frasier had said the other day out of my mind - about his brother having a --- a "thing" for me and how he had felt this way apparently from almost the first day we met. What's more, I found out that not only Frasier and Martin have known his little "secret" all this time, but Roz was aware of this --- this "crush" of his, as well! It seems that almost all of Seattle was privy to this news and evidently I was one of the last to find out.

Well, anyway, when I talked to Roz about how messy and embarrassing this all was, I was happy to hear her agree with what I had thought of earlier. If Dr. Crane fancied Mel now, he was obviously over me and I was making plans to be happily married to Donny --- so what was the problem? As long as I didn't broadcast that I knew about Dr. Crane's past feelings, which had changed in all likelihood by now, then things would just carry on the way they should. There was obviously nothing between him and me, other than friendship, so why should I feel uncomfortable? He would always be Dr. Crane to me and that was that.

For a while Roz's reassurance that I was making too much of this helped quell any uneasiness that I still was feeling, but then disaster struck!

When Dr. Crane arrived at the apartment for the party I soon found out that he and Mel had had a terrible row and had broken up. Donny immediately started pushing him to retrace his romantic steps and go after "someone who got away"! I know he was just trying to be helpful and sympathetic, but he was actually leading Dr. Crane into a dangerous minefield, not realizing what might happen because of his meddling! He kept going on like a blithering idiot - I finally had to leave the room or I would have completely lost it! What was the matter with him? Couldn't he have just said "Gee, that's too bad," and shut his pie hole!

To make matters worse, when Roz came she told me that she had overheard the fight between Dr. Crane and his girlfriend, and Mel had accused him of still being in love with someone else! I nearly swallowed my tongue! It had to be me she was talking about! He wasn't "over me" after all! With Mel out of the picture he was sure to make a move, especially after that "pep talk" that Donny had given him.

To Roz it all seemed so simple - just let Dr. Crane down gently and forget about it, but I just didn't think it would turn out so neatly. Dr. Crane was bound to have a bruised ego no matter how carefully I rejected him. I was working for his brother and we would have to be around each other a lot. There were going to be tensions at times and maybe our friendship, which meant a lot to me, might be ruined. What if Donny found out? He can have quite a temper sometimes - I wouldn't want any sort of fracas to happen between them because of this! Oh God! All sorts of pitfalls presented themselves to me - what was I going to do?

Once again Roz tried to buck up my spirits by reminding me that it was highly unlikely that Dr. Crane would say anything in front of Donny, so that might cool things off a bit and buy me some time. And who knows --- if he hadn't said anything for over six years, why would he blurt anything out now? Unless he thought things had changed between us --- had they? No! In fact, come to think about it, since I was engaged there was even less of a chance of --- no, make that "no" chance of anything happening! And if enough time passed, he might find someone else and then things would be back to where they should be! So all was not lost - I didn't have to panic. I was beginning to feel better again.

That is until Dr. Crane divvied up the Christmas gifts that he had brought over. As soon as I held the small tastefully wrapped present in my hands I knew it was not some standard impersonal token of seasonal good cheer. It was jewelry - expensive jewelry! Something that someone buys to show a great amount of affection to someone near and dear - not something someone buys a mere friend --- even a very good friend! I felt myself begin to tremble. I looked at Roz for support --- where was Donny anyway? Where had he disappeared to now? I glanced around the room feeling a panicky sensation rising in my throat.

And my nervousness didn't go way any time soon either, when minutes later I walked into the kitchen and overheard Dr. Crane confirm to his brother that he wanted to clear the air about his "feelings" tonight! I backed out of the room before they realised that I was there and ran in a complete tizzy to Roz.

But before I had a chance to talk to her, Dr. Crane came out and asked to speak to me in private out on the balcony. For a split second I couldn't breathe. I felt like someone waiting for a verdict of guilty or innocent. I don't know how I managed to say "All right" but I did and he thanked me and made his way outside, closing the glass doors behind himself to wait for me there.

Now, Roz, little "Miss Confident", decided to admit that she was mistaken about the situation and the "you-know-what" was about to hit the fan! She asked me what I was going to say to him when he declared his undying affection for me. At least that gave me an opportunity to form some kind of game plan before I spoke to him.

I told her that I would get the drop on him - tell him right off the bat that I couldn't return his feelings.

"I love Donny and nothing is going to happen between us."

It sounded forthright, firm and no room for any argument. I was primed and ready. I strode out to meet him.

There he was, gazing out into the inky darkness with a determined look of urgency on his face, his back straight as a rod, his fingers nervously dancing on the railing as if he were playing on a keyboard.

I broke the silence first and punctuated the crisp night air with a brief "Hi".

He pivoted around and faced me, his earnest eyes meeting mine as he started, "Daphne, er, I wish there was an easier way for me to say this, I - "

I cut him off announcing that I had something that I wanted to say first.

"Dr. Crane, I have to tell you that - "

My mouth opened but no sound came out. I had been so prepared. It should have been easy --- right? Why couldn't I just say it?

I stared at his face. It was so eager looking. So open and vulnerable. He leaned in slightly as if to encourage me to continue. Did he really have no inkling that I was about to shatter his hopes?

A chilly wind swept across the balcony and I hugged my arms closer to my body.

He immediately broke his concentration on my struggle to speak and roused himself, giving me a little bit of start.

"Daphne, I'm sooo sorry, what am I thinking? Here - "

And with those chivalrous words he doffed his suitcoat jacket as I turned and slipped it onto my awaiting shoulders. I felt the smoothness of the silk lining caress my bare skin. That fresh masculine fragrance, that is so much a part of him, surrounded me. A radiating warmth penetrated the cold with a speed that couldn't be explained by the mere weight of the material. I slowly repositioned myself so that I was facing him once more.

"Oh, thank you. Anyway, Dr. Crane, I know - "

My mind flashed back to that night of carnal wantonness when I tripped lightly down the stairs of his apartment wrapped in his Chinese silk robe ready to ravish him. How he must have strained to contain his desires after I teased him so cruelly and then abruptly ended his hesitant advances. But bridle them he did, without so much as a hint of resentment towards me --- because I wished it so. I had never realized what sway I had over him.

I remembered the secret, sweet kiss that I stole as he lay sleeping, after his disastrous date with Daphylis --- Daph - y-lis, Daph --- he was trying to tell me all along. I just wasn't listening.

And I thought of the desperate hug that he gave me as he wished me well on the night that Donny proposed. After that he seemed more distanced with me, more seriously respectful, less playful and unguarded. But still he said nothing to hurt my feelings ever, or give me a moment's grief.

Never once. It was a humbling realization.

"Yes?" he patiently prodded as I stood before him looking for all the world like a fish imploring its captor to be thrown back into the water.

He may have never caused me anguish but I certainly had done my share to him in the past, and now here I was, about to do it again. This time however it was different - this time I knew what I was doing going in - this time I knew I was about to break his heart. I felt a flush of shame rise up in my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I --- "

I really was - sorry, that is, for all the pain I had inadvertently caused him.

And there was something more, something unexpected - an eruption of jumbled, chaotic feelings, both frightening and exciting, starting to take hold of me from deep inside.

"Why don't I start?" he offered.

"No, Dr. Crane --- "

I knew I had to tell him it was never meant to be. I had my plans made - my life mapped out. Maybe if we had traveled a different path, maybe if we had met in Granville's years ago and he sat down beside me and said, "What are you doing for the rest of your life?" --- who knows?

"No, no," he interrupted. "I really need to say this. I can't wait any longer. Daphne --- "

Who knows what might have happened with the two of us if circumstances had been different?

"Yes," I said anxiously.

Perhaps --- we --- could have ---

It wasn't such an impossible idea was it?

"This is so difficult for me," he stuttered, his face showing the burden that was weighing him down.

I know and --- and if I could I would make it easier for you, I would --- Niles.

"Yes?"

I was pushing him now, silently encouraging him to get what he had to say out.

"I need my Christmas present back."

For the second time in a week I was quite simply dumbfounded by what I heard!

"You what?" I sputtered.

"I need my present back - the one I gave you earlier tonight. I'm so embarrassed! " His words rushed out of him like a river overflowing its banks. "It was Dad's fault really --- "

My mind went numb for a moment as he explained in detail about the mishap with my present and how, now that Mel and he had made up, that he needed it back to give to her --- or something like that. I wasn't really listening.

"I feel terrible about this, and of course, I'll replace the gift." he pleaded, practically begging for my understanding.

Whatever vague sensations I had been feeling before vanished in the backhand slap of reality that was delivered to me as I stood there in front of him on that balcony.

I had obviously grossly miscalculated his state of mind. I had to quickly retreat gracefully before I was completely humiliated.

"That's all right."

Suddenly wearing his coat felt like a transgression of his privacy. It represented a closeness reserved for someone else now.

"Well, I won't be needing this anymore."

I handed his jacket back to him and faked my way through a plausible, but completely fabricated explanation of why I had interrupted him before he could ask about recovering his gift for Mel.

And right on cue I looked up and there she was - Mel.

Dr. Crane politely excused himself and made his way over to her, deftly plucking my name off of the brightly done up box before he presented it to her.

I slipped into the room behind him, inconspicuously trying to mingle with the sudden throng of guests that seemed to have materialized out of nowhere.

The party was just starting to get into gear.

Roz sidled over to me to get the scoop on what had happened outside.

I explained that he apparently never intended to make any passionate confession, that he just wanted his gift back to give to Mel and --- and that I couldn't be any more relieved.

Donny was waiting for me near the piano. I walked over to join him in the singing. The crisis was over and nothing had happened. Everything was back on course. There wasn't any more confusion in me.

And yet --- it's now 3:00 a.m. and here I am, still unable to sleep.

I think what is really bothering me is simply this --- why couldn't I just say it?

"I love Donny and nothing is going to happen between us."

I tried --- I really did - the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth.

I just couldn't say that to Dr. Crane --- to Niles.

And I don't know why.

Good Night Diary.

* * * * * * * * * * *

My Journal Through Life - Niles Crane

Tonight Mel and I had sex for the first time.

I guess you could say it was "make-up" sex, which I always thought was particularly exhilarating --- does that make me perverted?

Anyway, it had been a perfectly wretched past few days, what with first Yoshi dying and then when I went over to offer my condolences to Maris, the whole thing being blown out of proportion, by her --- and by Mel, when she found out about it.

I blame Frasier. He was the one who encouraged me to lie to Mel. I should have known better, I should have just been honest with Mel and told her exactly what was going on, of course, but he sounded so confident --- so sure that telling your girlfriend about visiting your ex-wife was such a "faux pas", that I fell for it.

Naturally Mel discovered my subterfuge. And she was rightly outraged by what I had done. She accused me of still loving Maris, which is patently not true! But she didn't give me a chance to explain myself and stormed out declaring that she wasn't about to "share" me with anyone, so our relationship was over.

I left about a dozen messages on her phone attempting to apologize and elucidate my position, but hadn't heard back from her by the time I got to Frasier's Christmas party, which seemed at first to be shaping up to be another usual Crane calamity. Everyone seemed a little on edge - especially Daphne for some reason. None of the expected guests had shown up and Frasier was at his "royal snit" best. My melancholy mood didn't improve at all when Dad started up that idiotic dancing Santa he somehow resuscitates every season and toppled over the presents I had brought for everyone. Of course his carelessness broke the one gift that I had spent the most time deliberating about - the delicate crystal unicorn that I had got Daphne.

I felt terrible. It had taken hours to find the perfect gift for her. It had to be not too personal - that wouldn't have been right, seeing how she was an engaged woman now. At the same time, I wanted it to be unique to her and I knew that she would cherish this fragile bauble, seeing how she collects those types of ornaments.

And the disasters didn't stop there. Dad, in his infinite wisdom, suggested that I substitute the earrings that I had brought for Mel, for Daphne's mutilated figurine. That sounded like a marvelous solution at the time, so I did just that, but it turned out to be just one more dilemma to deal with when Mel phoned me up and finally acceded to giving me a second chance. Then it dawned on me that Mel was on her way over to see me and I had given her Christmas present away! Mel can be very sensitive about comportment and I don't think she would have understood if I didn't have some sort of token waiting for her when she arrived.

That meant that I had to go immediately to Daphne and --- and take back the gift I had just given her! I was mortified to say the least, but what choice did I have? It was one of the most difficult experiences I have ever had, but she was so sweet and gracious about it --- naturally.

And those earrings were just the item to help sooth Mel's ruffled feathers. When I presented them to her, her eyes sparkled with delight and she whispered to me that her apology was one that couldn't be wrapped up with a ribbon and was something that had to be rendered in private.

The time had finally come! Merry Christmas, indeed!

She suggested we go back to her place and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't as nervous as a goose in a duvet factory. A lot was riding on my --- performance, shall we say. But Mel was an ardent and thorough lover and I was --- overdue, both psychologically and physically, so we managed to "muddle" through our first time together quite nicely --- thank you!

I think I can finally say that I actually "love" Mel. And I am sure she loves me. Being able to articulate that feels good. It puts some clarity into my life. After all the heartache and misery I went through with Maris I needed someone who can put their arms around me and tell me that I am the most important person in the world to them. Maris never did that. She couldn't do that - Maris never respected me. Mel tells me I am one of the most brilliant people she has ever met, appreciates my cleverness and is always saying that I can achieve great things. I need to hear that.

Loving Mel also makes it easier to put Daphne behind me --- it doesn't hurt so much when I look at her now. I can actually breathe normally when I am in the same room as her. Sure, I still think of her occasionally --- or even a bit more than that, but the point is that I've made tremendous progress since meeting Mel. It's not been a simple task - six and a half years of obsessing isn't likely to disappear overnight. Sometimes --- sometimes when I am in close proximity to Daphne, I find myself spontaneously yearning to reach out and --- and touch her. Of course I have to resist these impulses --- and I do.

It is funny though, I don't conjecture up any sexually laden, dramatic fantasies that are comparable to the kiss that we had after we danced the tango. I just usually picture something much more ordinary than that, almost trivial in magnitude really. Small actions like brushing a wayward strand of hair from her "doe" eyes, or patting her hand to emphasize a point of conversation, or --- or wanting to gently stroke her smooth, bare shoulders to drive away the sudden shiver of a chilly balcony breeze --- like I said, nothing monumental. And yet there they are, lurking about, ready to ambush me when I least expect it still.

I am convinced however, that these urges are only residues of emotion, echoes of feelings that will fade as Mel and I grow deeper into our relationship. It will just take some more time for me to subdue them entirely.

Time, and having Mel help me knit up the unraveled bits of my life --- that's what I require to be happy now.

Adieu.

Stay tuned for Part 13 (to be continued)