Just One Look
By Valma
Part 15: Love Among the Ruins
My Journey Through Life - Niles Crane
It's 6:24 in the morning and the sun is just peaking over the mountaintops. Slender rapiers of light rend the misty fabric of the clouds against a canopy of muted ochre, rufous and magenta hues.
I'm sitting on the front porch of a rustic little cottage nestled in the wilds of Canada about twenty miles over the B.C. / Washington state border.
Sunshine and warm temperatures are predicted to continue throughout the rest of the weekend, with just a slight chance of evening showers tomorrow.
The pleasant fragrances of the flowers in their neatly tended window boxes are carried on a gentle breeze that teases the chimes hanging from the rafters.
I can hear the birds beginning their sunrise anthems; their sweet melodies floating across the distance that divides us and washing over me like an outdoor opus.
For the first time in weeks I am at peace with the world and myself.
I feel like I can finally breathe again, whereas before I had been laboring under the weight of a mounting pressure that threatened to suffocate me with each passing day. But order has finally been restored; the chaos that has dominated my mind has been quelled - now I can rest easy.
And still sleeping in the bed, swaddled in the soft, pastel-colored cotton sheets, not fifteen feet away, is --- Mel, my darling Mel.
The gentle, regular wheezing of her breath tells me that she won't be ready to rise for at least another hour. Well, one hour and six minutes to be exact. Mel always gets up at 7:30 - precisely. Today will be no different, despite what happened last night ---
You see --- yesterday Mel and I were married.
Yes, it was a "spur of the moment" type of thing - but it was the "right" thing to do --- for both of us.
We equally needed this.
For Mel it demonstrated to her, in the most unambiguous way possible, that I am committed to her. I've passed the final and toughest test of strength for our relationship. It means a lot to her. Being married again helps remove the embittered stigma that has clouded her life ever since her previous husband Barry absconded with "that cheap floozy of a filing clerk, Sandi".
For me - I finally feel cosseted in the safe confines of matrimony once again. It's where I belong. I function much better within those boundaries - especially now, at this particular juncture of my life. No one can accuse me of hanging onto the past now. Mel is my future - Daphne --- Daphne is behind me. Dad, Frasier --- everyone will have to acknowledge that fact from this point on.
Strangely enough it was Frasier who was the spark that ignited this momentous turn of events. I happened to mention to him that Mel had been pushing for us to move in together lately and that I was a bit wary about that prospect, but couldn't really pin down the source of my hesitation.
To Frasier's credit, even though he isn't exactly a Mel aficionado, he suggested that if she made me happy then I shouldn't deny myself the opportunity to strengthen our bond.
"Life isn't to be taken in baby steps," he said pithily.
He reaffirmed my suspicion that my overly guarded reaction to forming a more permanent type of relationship with Mel could be rooted in the marital persecution that I had endured during my years of bondage with Maris and the ensuing humiliation that I was put through with the subsequent divorce.
With his words ringing in my ears for inspiration I set out with Mel for our rejuvenating celebratory weekend in the mountains determined to conquer my misgivings and at least address the issue in an open and honest manner.
Mel was in an upbeat mood. She had been planning this little excursion for a while and was bubbling with excitement as she reviewed our detailed itinerary on the drive north in the car.
I loved seeing her in a good frame of mind. Whenever she was thus inclined I always could be assured of reaping some very enticing "bedside" benefits. Not that Mel would ever dare to consider indulging in the bizarre battery- aided, studded leather-inspired carnal appetites that Maris had a penchant for on the rare occasions that she felt like being intimate - God help me, no! But thankfully one pleasurable residual of my short liaison with Kitt was an "education" in sexual spontaneity that couldn't be found in books - at least not the books that I usually read, and I was an eager student after the years of warped abuse I had accepted as the norm at the hands of Maris. When Mel was in "vacation mode" she was openly receptive to a more playful, less of a "de rigueur" approach to lovemaking than she was accustomed to, and one that I tried to enthusiastically encourage, both selfishly for my sake and for her enjoyment as well. It certainly made me look forward to any upcoming holidays!
After we stowed our luggage in the cabin, we made our way to the main lodge of the Hidden Valley Resort where Mel had naturally already pre-arranged our dinner, including the chocolate soufflés for dessert in remembrance of our first date. She always thinks of everything!
It was during the meal that the topic of moving in together finally came up.
"Niles, I think you know that we have to talk about --- "us"," she began.
"Mel, I'm glad you mentioned this," I said taking a large gulp of wine to steady my nerves. "I know it's important to you and -"
"Not just important, Niles," she insisted. "I really feel that it is crucial at this stage of our relationship. It will allow us to judge whether we are really meant to be a couple. You want us to be a couple, don't you, darling?"
"Of course, Mel. I don't think I could have survived --- my divorce from Maris and all the stress of --- whatnot --- without your support and encouragement. You know how --- how much I need you."
"You and I could do such great things together, Niles. You are so talented and intelligent. You have such capabilities - I want so --- so much for you to see all your potential realized. Maris was a fool. People like her have no sense of vision - they underestimate you because --- because you underestimate yourself. But I --- I believe in you Niles."
Her eyes shone with an admiration that caused me to blush. But deep inside me there was a fire of pride and pleasure burning.
"No one ever said such words to me, except you Mel and --- and my mother. I --- I don't ever want to d-disappoint you."
I reached out and grasped her hand. Her fingers were warm against my flesh.
"Niles," she whispered as she leaned in across the table. "You could never disappoint me, unless you betrayed me and the nearer you are to me the more I know that just isn't going to happen. But you have to trust me Niles --- really trust me with all your heart."
She stretched her arm out and touched my pounding chest. My mouth fell open and a singular gasp escaped from my lips. I thought my heart was going to leap clean out of its cavity and into her awaiting hands!
"Just say what you feel, Niles," she murmured. "I'll never let go of you. You're safe with me."
Then it suddenly all became abundantly clear - this was the threshold that I had to cross - my opportunity for a new beginning, an absolutely clean start --- with someone who had total faith in me. It was a wholly new experience for me. How --- how could I show her I was worthy of such devotion and loyalty?
"Marry me Mel."
Mel's eyes narrowed until they were just tiny slits. She looked like she was trying to read the fine print on a contract. Panic swept through me like a tornado in a glass factory. Had I misread her? No - no, I couldn't have - she had to accept my proposal! She must want this as much as I did, right? This was the solution to all my problems. It had been staring me in the face all this time and I was just too preoccupied by --- by other things to realize it.
But it was time to stop taking those "baby steps" like I had done all my life. Where had that got me? Prudently listening to Maris' insistence that it was "time to get married now", just resulted in many wasted years of misery. Waiting cautiously for the "right" time to tell Daphne how much I adored her, lead to her to a trip to the altar with Donny and never finding out about my feelings for her.
What was there left to lose now?
Stop going for the "cautious" and conservative path - do something inspired, damn it!
"Marry me tonight," I blurted out. "I mean it! It can be done, right here, right now --- all we need is a justice of the peace --- there's no waiting period in British Columbia and we don't even need a blood test."
The words came cascading from me in a rush, as if a lexicological flood could wash away any remaining doubts.
"We love each other - we know we do --- and --- and if we were willing to live together, why not just move to the next step and make it more formal?
"Why not, indeed," she said, her eyes widening as she spoke. "It only makes sense - doesn't it?"
She reached up and stroked my cheek.
"You are the most precious man I have ever known. I'd be crazy to ever let you get away."
I felt omnipotent, invincible, like a real "dragon-slayer" - basking in the luxury of her adulation.
"Well, if you were 'crazy'," I cleverly quipped. "Having a psychiatrist for a husband could help."
Mel giggled with amusement and signaled the waitress.
"Could we have a phone book, please?"
And the rest of the evening was a whirlwind of activity. Mel must have gone through all the ties I brought before she decided on the right one for me. By sheer coincidence she had packed a lovely dinner ring that made a fine substitute for a wedding band. I tell you - even in the face of fortuitous events, she still seems prepared! What a remarkable woman! We went with the standard ceremony - "Why risk making a mistake on such short notice," was how Mel looked at it, commandeered a couple of witnesses and I even managed to find a street vendor who sold me all his flowers for the bride's bouquet. It was all so exciting and impetuous!
When we finally got back to the cottage, aptly named "Love Nest" by the way, we were husband and wife and giddy with a blissfulness that I didn't ever want to end.
I made love to Mel that night like a master violinist playing upon a Stradivarius - and she --- she was a "willing" instrument, much to my delight. I actually felt like crying with joy when we had finished, but wisely opted to just draw her close to me and hold her body next to mine until we both fell fast asleep.
The pieces of my life were finally falling into the right places for once. I wasn't afraid of anything any more - not of what will likely be Roz's inevitable sardonic comments about Mel being the "Bride from Hell", not about telling Dad or Frasier about my "rash act", not even about watching Daphne glide down the aisle and become Donny's lawfully wedded wife now. With Mel's help I have built a strong fortification around my heart and am ready to show everyone that I am impervious to any malingering heartaches.
This is the new "Niles Crane" and I have a feeling that from this day forward my life will never be the same.
Adieu.
P.S. The only thing I am truly concerned about is how Daphne will view our little weekend "surprise." Will she see it as an ill-timed prima donna act that might, albeit unintentionally, draw attention away from her big day? I would hate to be the source of any upset to Daphne, so I am determined not to tell anyone except Frasier and Dad about what Mel and I have done until after Donny and Daphne have been wed.
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Daphne's Diary
Dear Diary:
I've made a couple of significant decisions tonight.
First off - I'm done being in a turmoil about Niles Crane! No more tears.
Secondly, from now on, no more "Niles" - it's strictly "Dr. Crane" from here on in whenever I think about him. He's a good friend and the brother of my employer --- a complete gentleman, kind, caring and someone I think the world of, but that's as far as it goes.
But most importantly, for right now, no more crying!
I've really got nothing to weep about - have I?
In fact, if you look at it, I really am quite a lucky gal.
There I was --- about to make the biggest mistake of my life and then - BOOM! At the last minute the ever so forthright Mel stopped me dead in my tracks.
"We got married."
She was holding his hand while she said it.
One short sentence - three little words. Reality hit me square in the face. It was all over so quickly --- like a knife to the heart.
All my delusions were shattered with that one statement. That's what they were, weren't they --- delusions?
Just a collection of fantasies that I had made up and let grow ever since that fateful day when I gave Frasier that backrub. Fantasies --- like --- like he could really love me still.
Obviously not - or he would never have run off and got hitched this past weekend.
Hallucinations --- right? Like that he was going to be overwhelmed by the little "heart-to-heart" that Frasier suggested have with him, and that he would sweep me into his arms and we would live happily ever after. Again, just a figment of my imagination - nothing more!
What was more likely to have happened, was that I would have utterly alienated Dr. Crane, embarrassed myself and destroyed my relationship with Donny.
That would have been a cause for tears!
But that didn't happen.
See? That's how fortunate I am!
I found out about their marriage before I opened my big mouth and made a confession that would have gone over like the proverbial lead balloon.
Instead I offered them the most sincere congratulations I could muster, begged off his insistence that I stay for a champagne toast, graciously left the room with a smile on my face and proceeded to bawl my eyes out in the lift in front of Mrs. Richman.
It was like there was no "off" valve to my tears - at least none that I could find at that moment.
By the time I got to Donny's my eyes the color of cherries, so of course he wanted to know what was wrong. Even though he isn't the most observant bloke on the face of the planet he's no fool either. He could tell something was up.
I had a whole collection of semi-plausible excuses - the caterer wanted fifty dollars more to cover the cost of the after dinner mints, my Auntie "Shirl" couldn't make it over because of her phlebitis, Annie had finally gone and got herself pregnant and now her bridesmaid dress didn't fit - I just picked one.
What could I do? I couldn't tell him the truth, could I? It was a no win situation.
There was just this big emptiness inside of me that felt like --- like when you have had too much to drink and the next morning you have the dry heaves. There is nothing left, but you still go through all the motions until your stomach is in a complete knot and your throat is aching and your head pounding to beat the band. It was like that - but only worse. I had got drunk on this illusion that I called "Niles" these past few months, and now I was suffering the consequences of that binge.
Maybe that's it --- maybe all this crying was just a "Niles hangover".
Mel's little announcement about their secret ceremony was the "finger down the throat" for me, an unpleasant but necessary start on the path to recovery. And these tears were my way of purging him from my system. Not an easy cure, that's for sure.
Of course it would take time. You don't come off a "bender" like that in an instant, you know. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was his earnest face, his strong, sharply defined jaw with that dimple of a cleft in his chin and those large, cerulean blue eyes that seemed to be unfathomable in their depth -
"Daph, is there something wrong with your salad?"
I looked over at Donny with a start.
"What --- no, no nothing's wrong. It's delicious --- really."
"Well, you haven't touched it in a half an hour. Is there something else bugging you? Are you still thinking about that extra fifty bucks we have to spring for the caterer? That's nothing, Daph. Really sweetie pie."
I smiled at his feeble attempt to cheer me up. He just didn't understand -- - how could he?
"Thanks Donny. I guess it's just pre-wedding jitters, that's all."
I paused and then took a gulp of air, as I poked at the limp leaves of lettuce.
"Dr. Crane and Mel Karnofsky got married yesterday."
I didn't look up.
I tried to make it sound like a mindless piece of gossip, but my words seemed to have the same gloomy tone that Frasier had used when he announced that Morrie the doorman had died.
Donny set down his fork and raised his eyebrows.
"Really? Wow! That's surprising."
"Yeah," I chimed in. "That's what I thought. They don't really seem suited for each other. He's so --- so quiet and thoughtful and she --- well, she's cold and can be pretty rude some -"
"You think so?" Donny interrupted. "I thought they make a great pair. All I meant was that it's so soon after his divorce. That's all."
"Well, I could be wrong about her," I said quickly. "I guess I don't know her all that well. But --- you're right it is fairly sudden. Right before ours --- and all."
"How's that make you feel?"
What the bloody hell did he mean by that? What was he suggesting?
"Feel? Why should I "feel" anything about the two of them getting married?"
I found myself practically shouting at him without even realizing it until the words were already out of my mouth. The couple at the next table glanced in our direction.
"Take it easy, Daph," Donny said with a concerned look on his face. "Boy, these wedding pressures have really got you rattled. I just wanted to know if it was going to interfere with any of our plans - nothing more."
"Oh, Donny! I'm so sorry!" I blubbered. "You're right - the stress of planning the wedding and making sure that everything is perfect is --- is just driving me barmy, I guess. Do you forgive me? Please?"
I was crying again, almost as hard as I was this afternoon in the elevator when I laid my head on Mrs. Richman's ample bosom.
Donny patted my hand reassuringly.
"Course Daph - I understand. By this time Saturday, will all have come together wonderfully and we will be on our honeymoon. All your worries will be over and you can relax and enjoy yourself!"
I dried my eyes and sniffled a "Thank you." But there were still a couple of items to look after between then and now, though.
For one thing I absolutely had to get in touch with Dr. Crane --- Frasier, that is, as soon as possible and explain to him that all my earlier hysterics had been nothing more than just a nervous reaction to the strain of organizing such a large undertaking like the wedding. I could tell by the look on Frasier's face as I left the apartment that he was thoroughly upset by the news of the elopement and just as concerned as how I was going to handle it. That was completely understandable, since only a day or so before I had been sobbing uncontrollably about dealing with the situation. And I know him well enough to suspect that he just might say something to his brother, even though I have asked him not to, if he thinks he can put things right.
But that would be a terrible mistake.
I don't need to "bear my soul" to Niles --- I mean, Dr. Crane any more. There isn't any call to ask him how he feels about me or whether he still is "crazy" about me.
Whatever he felt for me in the past, or whatever I thought I felt for him recently, it is all over and done with. He is a married man now and I --- I am not a home wrecker!
Donny and I are going to get married and the only tears that I will be crying from now on will be tears of joy as they throw the rice and Mr. and Mrs. D. R. Douglas start out on their new life together.
I love Donny. Donny loves me.
And Dr. Crane, as dear a friend as he is, isn't in love with me, so --- I can't be in love with him.
It's as simple as that.
No more tears --- no more fantasizing --- no more "Niles".
And that is the way it is going to be.
It's for the best.
Goodnight Diary.
Stay tuned for Part 16 (to be continued)
By Valma
Part 15: Love Among the Ruins
My Journey Through Life - Niles Crane
It's 6:24 in the morning and the sun is just peaking over the mountaintops. Slender rapiers of light rend the misty fabric of the clouds against a canopy of muted ochre, rufous and magenta hues.
I'm sitting on the front porch of a rustic little cottage nestled in the wilds of Canada about twenty miles over the B.C. / Washington state border.
Sunshine and warm temperatures are predicted to continue throughout the rest of the weekend, with just a slight chance of evening showers tomorrow.
The pleasant fragrances of the flowers in their neatly tended window boxes are carried on a gentle breeze that teases the chimes hanging from the rafters.
I can hear the birds beginning their sunrise anthems; their sweet melodies floating across the distance that divides us and washing over me like an outdoor opus.
For the first time in weeks I am at peace with the world and myself.
I feel like I can finally breathe again, whereas before I had been laboring under the weight of a mounting pressure that threatened to suffocate me with each passing day. But order has finally been restored; the chaos that has dominated my mind has been quelled - now I can rest easy.
And still sleeping in the bed, swaddled in the soft, pastel-colored cotton sheets, not fifteen feet away, is --- Mel, my darling Mel.
The gentle, regular wheezing of her breath tells me that she won't be ready to rise for at least another hour. Well, one hour and six minutes to be exact. Mel always gets up at 7:30 - precisely. Today will be no different, despite what happened last night ---
You see --- yesterday Mel and I were married.
Yes, it was a "spur of the moment" type of thing - but it was the "right" thing to do --- for both of us.
We equally needed this.
For Mel it demonstrated to her, in the most unambiguous way possible, that I am committed to her. I've passed the final and toughest test of strength for our relationship. It means a lot to her. Being married again helps remove the embittered stigma that has clouded her life ever since her previous husband Barry absconded with "that cheap floozy of a filing clerk, Sandi".
For me - I finally feel cosseted in the safe confines of matrimony once again. It's where I belong. I function much better within those boundaries - especially now, at this particular juncture of my life. No one can accuse me of hanging onto the past now. Mel is my future - Daphne --- Daphne is behind me. Dad, Frasier --- everyone will have to acknowledge that fact from this point on.
Strangely enough it was Frasier who was the spark that ignited this momentous turn of events. I happened to mention to him that Mel had been pushing for us to move in together lately and that I was a bit wary about that prospect, but couldn't really pin down the source of my hesitation.
To Frasier's credit, even though he isn't exactly a Mel aficionado, he suggested that if she made me happy then I shouldn't deny myself the opportunity to strengthen our bond.
"Life isn't to be taken in baby steps," he said pithily.
He reaffirmed my suspicion that my overly guarded reaction to forming a more permanent type of relationship with Mel could be rooted in the marital persecution that I had endured during my years of bondage with Maris and the ensuing humiliation that I was put through with the subsequent divorce.
With his words ringing in my ears for inspiration I set out with Mel for our rejuvenating celebratory weekend in the mountains determined to conquer my misgivings and at least address the issue in an open and honest manner.
Mel was in an upbeat mood. She had been planning this little excursion for a while and was bubbling with excitement as she reviewed our detailed itinerary on the drive north in the car.
I loved seeing her in a good frame of mind. Whenever she was thus inclined I always could be assured of reaping some very enticing "bedside" benefits. Not that Mel would ever dare to consider indulging in the bizarre battery- aided, studded leather-inspired carnal appetites that Maris had a penchant for on the rare occasions that she felt like being intimate - God help me, no! But thankfully one pleasurable residual of my short liaison with Kitt was an "education" in sexual spontaneity that couldn't be found in books - at least not the books that I usually read, and I was an eager student after the years of warped abuse I had accepted as the norm at the hands of Maris. When Mel was in "vacation mode" she was openly receptive to a more playful, less of a "de rigueur" approach to lovemaking than she was accustomed to, and one that I tried to enthusiastically encourage, both selfishly for my sake and for her enjoyment as well. It certainly made me look forward to any upcoming holidays!
After we stowed our luggage in the cabin, we made our way to the main lodge of the Hidden Valley Resort where Mel had naturally already pre-arranged our dinner, including the chocolate soufflés for dessert in remembrance of our first date. She always thinks of everything!
It was during the meal that the topic of moving in together finally came up.
"Niles, I think you know that we have to talk about --- "us"," she began.
"Mel, I'm glad you mentioned this," I said taking a large gulp of wine to steady my nerves. "I know it's important to you and -"
"Not just important, Niles," she insisted. "I really feel that it is crucial at this stage of our relationship. It will allow us to judge whether we are really meant to be a couple. You want us to be a couple, don't you, darling?"
"Of course, Mel. I don't think I could have survived --- my divorce from Maris and all the stress of --- whatnot --- without your support and encouragement. You know how --- how much I need you."
"You and I could do such great things together, Niles. You are so talented and intelligent. You have such capabilities - I want so --- so much for you to see all your potential realized. Maris was a fool. People like her have no sense of vision - they underestimate you because --- because you underestimate yourself. But I --- I believe in you Niles."
Her eyes shone with an admiration that caused me to blush. But deep inside me there was a fire of pride and pleasure burning.
"No one ever said such words to me, except you Mel and --- and my mother. I --- I don't ever want to d-disappoint you."
I reached out and grasped her hand. Her fingers were warm against my flesh.
"Niles," she whispered as she leaned in across the table. "You could never disappoint me, unless you betrayed me and the nearer you are to me the more I know that just isn't going to happen. But you have to trust me Niles --- really trust me with all your heart."
She stretched her arm out and touched my pounding chest. My mouth fell open and a singular gasp escaped from my lips. I thought my heart was going to leap clean out of its cavity and into her awaiting hands!
"Just say what you feel, Niles," she murmured. "I'll never let go of you. You're safe with me."
Then it suddenly all became abundantly clear - this was the threshold that I had to cross - my opportunity for a new beginning, an absolutely clean start --- with someone who had total faith in me. It was a wholly new experience for me. How --- how could I show her I was worthy of such devotion and loyalty?
"Marry me Mel."
Mel's eyes narrowed until they were just tiny slits. She looked like she was trying to read the fine print on a contract. Panic swept through me like a tornado in a glass factory. Had I misread her? No - no, I couldn't have - she had to accept my proposal! She must want this as much as I did, right? This was the solution to all my problems. It had been staring me in the face all this time and I was just too preoccupied by --- by other things to realize it.
But it was time to stop taking those "baby steps" like I had done all my life. Where had that got me? Prudently listening to Maris' insistence that it was "time to get married now", just resulted in many wasted years of misery. Waiting cautiously for the "right" time to tell Daphne how much I adored her, lead to her to a trip to the altar with Donny and never finding out about my feelings for her.
What was there left to lose now?
Stop going for the "cautious" and conservative path - do something inspired, damn it!
"Marry me tonight," I blurted out. "I mean it! It can be done, right here, right now --- all we need is a justice of the peace --- there's no waiting period in British Columbia and we don't even need a blood test."
The words came cascading from me in a rush, as if a lexicological flood could wash away any remaining doubts.
"We love each other - we know we do --- and --- and if we were willing to live together, why not just move to the next step and make it more formal?
"Why not, indeed," she said, her eyes widening as she spoke. "It only makes sense - doesn't it?"
She reached up and stroked my cheek.
"You are the most precious man I have ever known. I'd be crazy to ever let you get away."
I felt omnipotent, invincible, like a real "dragon-slayer" - basking in the luxury of her adulation.
"Well, if you were 'crazy'," I cleverly quipped. "Having a psychiatrist for a husband could help."
Mel giggled with amusement and signaled the waitress.
"Could we have a phone book, please?"
And the rest of the evening was a whirlwind of activity. Mel must have gone through all the ties I brought before she decided on the right one for me. By sheer coincidence she had packed a lovely dinner ring that made a fine substitute for a wedding band. I tell you - even in the face of fortuitous events, she still seems prepared! What a remarkable woman! We went with the standard ceremony - "Why risk making a mistake on such short notice," was how Mel looked at it, commandeered a couple of witnesses and I even managed to find a street vendor who sold me all his flowers for the bride's bouquet. It was all so exciting and impetuous!
When we finally got back to the cottage, aptly named "Love Nest" by the way, we were husband and wife and giddy with a blissfulness that I didn't ever want to end.
I made love to Mel that night like a master violinist playing upon a Stradivarius - and she --- she was a "willing" instrument, much to my delight. I actually felt like crying with joy when we had finished, but wisely opted to just draw her close to me and hold her body next to mine until we both fell fast asleep.
The pieces of my life were finally falling into the right places for once. I wasn't afraid of anything any more - not of what will likely be Roz's inevitable sardonic comments about Mel being the "Bride from Hell", not about telling Dad or Frasier about my "rash act", not even about watching Daphne glide down the aisle and become Donny's lawfully wedded wife now. With Mel's help I have built a strong fortification around my heart and am ready to show everyone that I am impervious to any malingering heartaches.
This is the new "Niles Crane" and I have a feeling that from this day forward my life will never be the same.
Adieu.
P.S. The only thing I am truly concerned about is how Daphne will view our little weekend "surprise." Will she see it as an ill-timed prima donna act that might, albeit unintentionally, draw attention away from her big day? I would hate to be the source of any upset to Daphne, so I am determined not to tell anyone except Frasier and Dad about what Mel and I have done until after Donny and Daphne have been wed.
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Daphne's Diary
Dear Diary:
I've made a couple of significant decisions tonight.
First off - I'm done being in a turmoil about Niles Crane! No more tears.
Secondly, from now on, no more "Niles" - it's strictly "Dr. Crane" from here on in whenever I think about him. He's a good friend and the brother of my employer --- a complete gentleman, kind, caring and someone I think the world of, but that's as far as it goes.
But most importantly, for right now, no more crying!
I've really got nothing to weep about - have I?
In fact, if you look at it, I really am quite a lucky gal.
There I was --- about to make the biggest mistake of my life and then - BOOM! At the last minute the ever so forthright Mel stopped me dead in my tracks.
"We got married."
She was holding his hand while she said it.
One short sentence - three little words. Reality hit me square in the face. It was all over so quickly --- like a knife to the heart.
All my delusions were shattered with that one statement. That's what they were, weren't they --- delusions?
Just a collection of fantasies that I had made up and let grow ever since that fateful day when I gave Frasier that backrub. Fantasies --- like --- like he could really love me still.
Obviously not - or he would never have run off and got hitched this past weekend.
Hallucinations --- right? Like that he was going to be overwhelmed by the little "heart-to-heart" that Frasier suggested have with him, and that he would sweep me into his arms and we would live happily ever after. Again, just a figment of my imagination - nothing more!
What was more likely to have happened, was that I would have utterly alienated Dr. Crane, embarrassed myself and destroyed my relationship with Donny.
That would have been a cause for tears!
But that didn't happen.
See? That's how fortunate I am!
I found out about their marriage before I opened my big mouth and made a confession that would have gone over like the proverbial lead balloon.
Instead I offered them the most sincere congratulations I could muster, begged off his insistence that I stay for a champagne toast, graciously left the room with a smile on my face and proceeded to bawl my eyes out in the lift in front of Mrs. Richman.
It was like there was no "off" valve to my tears - at least none that I could find at that moment.
By the time I got to Donny's my eyes the color of cherries, so of course he wanted to know what was wrong. Even though he isn't the most observant bloke on the face of the planet he's no fool either. He could tell something was up.
I had a whole collection of semi-plausible excuses - the caterer wanted fifty dollars more to cover the cost of the after dinner mints, my Auntie "Shirl" couldn't make it over because of her phlebitis, Annie had finally gone and got herself pregnant and now her bridesmaid dress didn't fit - I just picked one.
What could I do? I couldn't tell him the truth, could I? It was a no win situation.
There was just this big emptiness inside of me that felt like --- like when you have had too much to drink and the next morning you have the dry heaves. There is nothing left, but you still go through all the motions until your stomach is in a complete knot and your throat is aching and your head pounding to beat the band. It was like that - but only worse. I had got drunk on this illusion that I called "Niles" these past few months, and now I was suffering the consequences of that binge.
Maybe that's it --- maybe all this crying was just a "Niles hangover".
Mel's little announcement about their secret ceremony was the "finger down the throat" for me, an unpleasant but necessary start on the path to recovery. And these tears were my way of purging him from my system. Not an easy cure, that's for sure.
Of course it would take time. You don't come off a "bender" like that in an instant, you know. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was his earnest face, his strong, sharply defined jaw with that dimple of a cleft in his chin and those large, cerulean blue eyes that seemed to be unfathomable in their depth -
"Daph, is there something wrong with your salad?"
I looked over at Donny with a start.
"What --- no, no nothing's wrong. It's delicious --- really."
"Well, you haven't touched it in a half an hour. Is there something else bugging you? Are you still thinking about that extra fifty bucks we have to spring for the caterer? That's nothing, Daph. Really sweetie pie."
I smiled at his feeble attempt to cheer me up. He just didn't understand -- - how could he?
"Thanks Donny. I guess it's just pre-wedding jitters, that's all."
I paused and then took a gulp of air, as I poked at the limp leaves of lettuce.
"Dr. Crane and Mel Karnofsky got married yesterday."
I didn't look up.
I tried to make it sound like a mindless piece of gossip, but my words seemed to have the same gloomy tone that Frasier had used when he announced that Morrie the doorman had died.
Donny set down his fork and raised his eyebrows.
"Really? Wow! That's surprising."
"Yeah," I chimed in. "That's what I thought. They don't really seem suited for each other. He's so --- so quiet and thoughtful and she --- well, she's cold and can be pretty rude some -"
"You think so?" Donny interrupted. "I thought they make a great pair. All I meant was that it's so soon after his divorce. That's all."
"Well, I could be wrong about her," I said quickly. "I guess I don't know her all that well. But --- you're right it is fairly sudden. Right before ours --- and all."
"How's that make you feel?"
What the bloody hell did he mean by that? What was he suggesting?
"Feel? Why should I "feel" anything about the two of them getting married?"
I found myself practically shouting at him without even realizing it until the words were already out of my mouth. The couple at the next table glanced in our direction.
"Take it easy, Daph," Donny said with a concerned look on his face. "Boy, these wedding pressures have really got you rattled. I just wanted to know if it was going to interfere with any of our plans - nothing more."
"Oh, Donny! I'm so sorry!" I blubbered. "You're right - the stress of planning the wedding and making sure that everything is perfect is --- is just driving me barmy, I guess. Do you forgive me? Please?"
I was crying again, almost as hard as I was this afternoon in the elevator when I laid my head on Mrs. Richman's ample bosom.
Donny patted my hand reassuringly.
"Course Daph - I understand. By this time Saturday, will all have come together wonderfully and we will be on our honeymoon. All your worries will be over and you can relax and enjoy yourself!"
I dried my eyes and sniffled a "Thank you." But there were still a couple of items to look after between then and now, though.
For one thing I absolutely had to get in touch with Dr. Crane --- Frasier, that is, as soon as possible and explain to him that all my earlier hysterics had been nothing more than just a nervous reaction to the strain of organizing such a large undertaking like the wedding. I could tell by the look on Frasier's face as I left the apartment that he was thoroughly upset by the news of the elopement and just as concerned as how I was going to handle it. That was completely understandable, since only a day or so before I had been sobbing uncontrollably about dealing with the situation. And I know him well enough to suspect that he just might say something to his brother, even though I have asked him not to, if he thinks he can put things right.
But that would be a terrible mistake.
I don't need to "bear my soul" to Niles --- I mean, Dr. Crane any more. There isn't any call to ask him how he feels about me or whether he still is "crazy" about me.
Whatever he felt for me in the past, or whatever I thought I felt for him recently, it is all over and done with. He is a married man now and I --- I am not a home wrecker!
Donny and I are going to get married and the only tears that I will be crying from now on will be tears of joy as they throw the rice and Mr. and Mrs. D. R. Douglas start out on their new life together.
I love Donny. Donny loves me.
And Dr. Crane, as dear a friend as he is, isn't in love with me, so --- I can't be in love with him.
It's as simple as that.
No more tears --- no more fantasizing --- no more "Niles".
And that is the way it is going to be.
It's for the best.
Goodnight Diary.
Stay tuned for Part 16 (to be continued)
