Just One Look
By Valma
Part 16: The View From the Balcony Seats
My Journey Through Life – Niles Crane
The world goes whispering to its own,
"This anguish pierces to the bone;"
And tender friends go sighing round,
"What love can ever cure this wound?"
My days go on, my days go on.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
It started with a straightforward comment and invitation to dance – it ended with a glorious kiss and decree that has condemned me to dwell in the depths of despair.
Now --- now I will have to salvage a reason from somewhere within my wretchedness to go on living knowing that I came so close to true happiness and had it slip away. I felt my Aphrodite embowered in my arms for one ephemeral moment, listened to her confirm her affections for me, kissed pure ecstasy deep enough to taste her in my soul and then --- then had all these delights cruelly torn from me like Icarus' wings as he plunged towards his watery doom.
Who could have predicted since that fateful day when I turned and said, "You're Daphne?" that my life would have been so intertwined with hers? With just one look – one seemingly insignificant look and a casual "Hello", from that point on, my very emotional existence became increasingly dependant over the years on every word she uttered ---
Of course, disrupting Daphne's wedding and casting Mel, my bride of three days, aside was the absolute last thing on my mind as I sat down beside the future Mrs. Donny Douglas at the Wayside Inn bar after the rehearsal dinner. I had every reason to believe that my life had finally settled into a state of solace and satisfaction. Mel was someone with whom I was convinced that I could find contentment and serenity. I thought everything was under control, that any remaining feelings for Daphne had been duly subjugated and I ready to play the role of "just a good friend".
I couldn't have been more wrong.
When Mel and Donny went off to dance, Daphne and I were left alone at the bar. I inhaled a hint of cherry blossoms as it wafted towards me. She looked --- divine, adorned in a shimmering blue dress that truly did justice to her statuesque figure, her hair cascading over her shoulders, her bare back ---
A short, sharp intake of breath gave me a chance to clear my thoughts and reminded me of the purpose of this little gathering of family and friends.
"Well, you certainly picked the perfect spot for your wedding."
She acknowledged my compliment but soon a slightly uneasy silence fell over us.
The music of the Gershwins wove its way towards us --- "No, they can't take that away from me --- "
"I love this song."
There seemed to be a disconsolate tinge to her voice. Was it just nerves? Perhaps she just felt left out of the fun on the dance floor? I quickly jumped to her rescue and offered to be her partner. Before Iong we had maneuvered our way out amongst the couples and were swaying in each other's arms. A sensation of nostalgia seized me. I felt a reflexive lump form in my throat ---
The strains of the violins, a flash of a dazzling red ball gown, the passionate steps of the tango, a kiss that meant so much and yet so little ---
"Ah --- it's been a while since we danced together."
Yes, it has," she softly replied.
Again I thought I detected a soupçon of melancholy in her response. It wasn't so much what she was saying – it was more in her tone of voice than anything else. Was there something about that night that she regretted as well? No, no, I had better steer clear of that minefield and return to safer ground.
"Thanks for dinner. It's been a wonderful evening."
That seemed enough of a generic, socially acceptable comment to get things back on track.
She leaned in close, her lustrous hair brushing against my cheek. She was almost whispering in my ear, like it was "our little secret".
"It's one of those times you just don't want to end."
There was a distinctive smokey, sensual quality to her words that sent my mind and heart reeling. She pressed her body against mine and nuzzled her head into my neck. This was too much for me to defend against. I closed my eyes and, just for a moment, let a long suppressed desire take hold of me. I was like an alcoholic indulging in one last drink before checking into the Betty Ford Clinic.
Oh God, don't let this end, please --- let me stay in this dance --- forever.
If only, if only ---
And then it was all over. I roused myself from my reverie. After the obligatory half-hearted applause, Donny and Mel materialized at our elbows.
"Excuse me, sir. Mind if I cut in?"
It was all so gracious and genial. To say no would have been untenable.
Mel effortlessly exchanged positions with Daphne. With a brief backward glance at the woman of my dreams dancing in Donny's arms now, I allowed myself one miniscule moment of maudlin lamentation. That damn lump in my throat made an encore presentation, but I forced it back where it belonged and turned my attention to my wife - Mel.
By the time the second song ended my dance with Daphne seemed like --- like a mirage. Did it really even happen? Had I actually held her so close that I felt the beating of her heart against mine? Was it truly her in my arms? Or was it just a figment ---
"Niles, I have to speak to you right away."
My brother's agitated voice encroached into my musings. He glanced at Mel and then back at me, "In private, please."
I excused myself and accompanied him out into the hallway.
"What is it?" I brusquely inquired.
"Not here," he hissed and marched off to the elevator. "I'll tell you when we get up to the room."
I knew there was no prying it out of him when he was in this kind of mood, so I just capitulated to his provisos.
Once we were safely stowed in his room however, he got quickly to the point.
He told me he had been watching when Daphne and I were dancing and claimed that it was obvious by the look on my face that I still held deep feelings for her. At first I thought he was just putting my commitment to Mel to the ultimate test. I angrily denied his charge, thinking that I could quickly quash any further prodding on his part. But he had just begun. He had weapons in his arsenal I hadn't even dreamed of –
"She knows."
A bit of that defensive barrier between my heart and Daphne began to crumble.
"Daphne knows that you have feelings for her. She's known for some time."
Damn Frasier! He knows how vulnerable I am when it comes to Daphne! Why was he telling me this --- now? Was it a callous joke on his part? I felt like I was drowning – I had to save myself. I headed for the door, telling him that I wasn't going to stand for any more of this talk. I placed my hand on the doorknob and started to turn the handle.
"Niles, Daphne feels the same way about you!"
If my brother had come up behind me with a croquet mallet and clobbered me in the head I couldn't have been more staggered.
I couldn't speak. I could scarcely manage to breathe. It was all I could do to pivot slowly around and face him, leaning against a nearby bureau for support.
While my body may have been in a near paralyzed state, my mind was racing at a thousand miles a minute. Panic seized me ---
Oh, Lord! The look she gave me on the balcony at Christmas --- the way she rubbed my hand when I burned it - could she actually have real feelings for me? After all this time? Her comments about Mel --- was it --- jealousy? What was going on? I --- I felt like the ground was slipping out from under me.
I looked at Frasier silently begging him to tell me more.
He quickly qualified his statement, explaining that he wasn't positive about his information. She had retracted her original declaration when I announced that Mel and I had got married. Yet there had been something in the way she was looking at me on the dance floor that told him that the entire truth of this matter hadn't been fully revealed.
"Oh, my God!" was all I could say.
This was --- was a complete mess! It wasn't supposed to happen like this! I had married Mel and now --- now Daphne was supposed to marry Donny. Everything was turning out topsy-turvy all of a sudden. Why? Why was this happening?
Obviously seeing how distraught I was, Frasier offered a heartfelt mea culpa for the mental anguish his revelation had caused me.
But I didn't even get a chance to thank him and assure him that I knew he had acted out of brotherly love and concern for me, before a tapping at the door interrupted us.
It was Mel. I had inadvertently locked her out of our room. I led her over to the adjoining door and apologized profusely for my actions. She left with a peck to my cheek and a goodbye that sounded like a prison sentence. I instinctively reached up and wiped her kiss from my face.
Oh my God, indeed! This was my wife! The woman whom I had only just married three days ago --- and now the thought of any trace of her lips on me was something that had to be eradicated. What had I done? What --- what should I do?
Suddenly the room started to grow dim and a loud buzzing noise filled my head. I found it increasingly difficult to breathe again and my knees felt like rubber.
I genuinely thought I was going to pass out.
And I would have too, if Frasier hadn't guided me over to a bench at the end of the bed and helped me regain my composure.
I heard myself talking --- blathering on about how terrible all this was, saying that I loved Mel, but, but ---
I thought I loved Mel – I really did. Just days ago I thought she was everything I could ever need.
Only now I had something in my possession that I had never had before --- I had a possibility that Daphne could --- could love me. This was something that I just couldn't turn away from.
I had to know for sure! I had to talk to Daphne. I had to hear it from her mouth directly. And I had to do it right away!
I tried to explain to Frasier my plan as I rushed to the door.
When I flung it open – there she was!
Daphne --- Daphne was standing right in front of me.
Of course Donny was with her, but nothing was going to stand in my way now, so after a minimum amount of inane chitchat, I just politely insisted that I needed to speak to her. Frasier read my signals and excused himself without further ado and then --- then we were alone.
She seemed on edge, her hands clenched tightly by her sides, her voice strained – as if she knew that I just didn't want to convey my best wishes to her one last time or discuss a problem with the seating chart. Did she sense that the tension in the air had to do with "us"? Had she been second-guessing her chosen path as well? Maybe her nervousness was a good sign – did it mean that I might have a chance?
After a couple of false starts I finally took one gigantic gulp of air and launched myself over the brink. It was now or never.
"I was just talking to Frasier about a conversation that you two had –"
She didn't give me a chance to go any further. Her frustration at Frasier's tattling poured out of her. But it was more than that --- I could tell she was using her condemnation of him as an excuse to hide from an even more troubling struggle that she had come face to face with finally.
One of us would have to take the first step – one of us was going to have to say the truth out loud ---
"No, Daphne – I'm glad he told me because - I love you."
Once I had said it I felt like I had stepped into a whole new world.
There wouldn't be any misunderstanding on her part, like there was when we danced the tango. I wasn't even going to let the possibility of her rejection stop me now. I let everything spill out. I felt relieved – like a burdened sinner after he genuflects and chronicles his confession to his priest.
No interruptions were going to thwart me – not Dad, not Donny, not Mel – not any of Daphne's rowdy, rude family members. This was my last stand! I was going to persist – I was going to get an answer one way or another. My love was going to be either welcomed by her or spurned, but tonight was the night I finally would know.
And so, after a whirlwind of my pleas, her counter-arguments, and a plethora of family and fiancés' intrusions and confusions I eventually found myself standing on the balcony outside the room, waiting for Daphne, determined to find out just how strong her feelings for me really were.
I knew the potential for disaster was there. When she slipped through the door and joined me, standing beside me, but avoiding all eye contact, I could sense I was on a very shaky footing.
I started to prattle on, hoping to buy some time --- a few extra minutes, a couple of seconds even --- anything, so --- so that she would find a way to see how much I needed her.
And then it happened.
With a cry of "Oh, for God's sake Dr. Crane!" she pounced on me, wrapping her arms around my neck, and began kissing me the way I had only dreamed about.
A passionate, perilous kiss – one that carried with it more meaning than a whole volume of love sonnets.
It took a couple of seconds for my mind to be convinced that this was really happening, but very – very quickly I found my bearings and responded to her advance.
That kiss will live with me --- forever. It was everything to me --- heaven and earth and all points of bliss in between. When we finally broke for air I felt a calmness that only comes with someone who has found their way after being lost for a long, long time.
"I think you can call me 'Niles' now."
It was a signal – I wanted her to know that our relationship had changed from that moment on.
I leaned in carefully and enfolded her in my arms again, kissing her just as deeply as she had done, but without the rush of desperation.
I was where I always was meant to be --- in Daphne's arms.
But it wasn't enough.
She put her hands up and backed away from me. Tearfully she explained that she couldn't call me by my first name and I knew in an instant I had rapidly lost all that I thought I had gained.
At least I knew she really was in love with me - I knew that for sure now. It wasn't just a vague impression that I had sensed or some speculation that Frasier thought might be true --- Daphne told me so herself. Not only with her kiss but also with what she said.
"I do love you," were her exact words, and yet --- in the very next breath she pushed my love away.
"But I can't do this."
I felt my life going into a freefall. Everything I ever really cared about tumbled away from me as she spoke. I was the novice skydiver who, after years of procrastination, finally took that first long step out of the plane, only to find that his parachute had indeed failed to open.
I know it wasn't easy for her to reject what I was proposing – her calling off the wedding and me divorcing Mel so we could be together. I think she was tempted to go along with it. Tempted --- but ultimately not convinced. I understood. It involved taking a pretty substantial risk. Giving up the security of a completely tolerable and respectable life with Donny, incurring the wrath of people who would be more than just a little entitled to righteous fury for what we were about to do to them and setting out with only an impulsive and outrageous notion to justify your actions. She was frightened, caught between her desires and her fears. This was all so new to her but very familiar terrain for me. I had been scared like she was now for seven years, petrified of the potential for failure --- terrified, that is, until I had heard that there might be the most infinitesimal of possibilities that she could, just perhaps, return my feelings for her.
She desperately flung out all sorts of logical reasons why we should not pursue our newly discovered passions for each other --- she had promised dear, sweet Donny that she would marry him; I had made an even stronger commitment to Mel; it was too risky; we didn't know each other in any real sense – every word she said made perfect sense.
But this wasn't about making sense! This was about following what you knew was right in your heart. I tried desperately one vain attempt to get her to recognize that.
"Daphne, take it from someone who knows; you don't want to spend half your life thinking about a chance you didn't take."
But her trepidation won out in the end.
"I'm sorry. My mind's made up. I think we should say good night now."
There was nothing more I could say or do. It was over.
"Good night, Daphne."
"Good night, Dr. Crane."
She fled the balcony with tears in her eyes.
I wanted to follow after her – grab hold of her and kiss her until my passion just overwhelmed her, prostrate myself in front of her and grovel until she acquiesced - but I promised her earlier that I would accept her decision and I could not break that vow. I had to abide by her judgment and not try and guilt her into doing what she knew that I desperately wanted. I didn't want her to feel pressured – I wanted her to come to me on her own volition. It was the only way it could be.
My mind was numb, as I stood there in the gentle night breeze; my soul battered by the roller coaster of emotions that I had just underwent. I felt so disconnected from my surroundings – was there any real purpose left in my life? I looked down to the garden below – the garden where tomorrow she would betroth Donny. For one brief moment I considered climbing up on the rail and jumping. It would be so much easier for me if I just ended it all – no more heartache, no more longing --- no more seeing her with someone else, day after long day. Just one leg and then the other over the side, close my eyes, fall forward and it would be done.
But I knew I wouldn't. Oh, whether I died or just merely mutilated myself wasn't the deciding factor – I really couldn't have cared less either way at that point. What stopped me was --- was imagining that it would have caused Daphne more grief if I went through with such a rash act and --- and I just couldn't do that to her. That was all that counted – she was all that really mattered to me now.
And so she saved my life tonight. I would go on with my miserable existence for her.
So here I am back in my – our room, listening to Mel wheezing through her teeth-bleaching contraption.
She was already sleeping when I crept in, purposely being as quiet as possible, so I could avoid waking her. I know --- I know I will have to talk to Mel soon, but for tonight I just want to set that aside.
I didn't want any incursions to tarnish the memory of Daphne in my arms. Sitting here at my desk, my journal in my lap, with nothing but the moonlight for lumination, I can feel her in my arms, taste her in my mouth, smell her fragrance --- see her beauty when I close my eyes. And her words still echo in my ears "I do love you."
What am I going to do?
How can I carry on? It won't be easy, but I'll do it for Daphne. I'll stay with Mel and lock up my feelings. I won't have Daphne feeling guilt-ridden about destroying my life, I won't have her worrying that her decision to marry Donny devastated me and left a shell of a man in its wake, a broken failure who risked everything and came up short. She must never, never know – so I will carry on --- pretending to accept the death sentence that was handed to me. I have no other choice than to return to my life that I had planned with Mel, so that Daphne can marry Donny with a clear conscience. And who knows - some day, when time has layered a thick scar over this wound in my heart, maybe --- just maybe, I will be able to regain a small fragment of the sheer happiness I lost today.
" . . then black despair
The shadow of a starless night, was thrown
Over the world in which I moved alone."
- Percy Bysshe Shelley
Adieu.
Stay tuned for Part 17 (to be continued)
