Just One Look

By Valma

Part 17: Another Bride; Another Gloom

Those who inflict must suffer, for they see

The work of their own hearts and that must be

Our chastisement or recompense.

- Percy Bysshe Shelley

Daphne's Diary

Dear Diary:

Oh, God! How could I have done that to him!

What type of a monster am I?

When he looked at me with those eyes --- so fearful, so hopeful, so desperate, there wasn't any doubt in my mind what my rejection had done to him.

I knew I had taken his heart and smashed it up into tiny pieces – my words about commitment and promises were the hammer tongs that pulverized his soul.

And yet – I did it all the same.

Niles --- Niles, Niles – why couldn't I just say his name? Screw what others would think! All he wanted to do was love me – was that such a crime?

No --- it wasn't a crime, but it was a sin. I don't mean a "going-to-church-quote-from-the-Bible" kind of sin, but a moral transgression nevertheless against Mel and Donny that I just couldn't justify by my love for him.

I realized from the moment that he held me in his arms when we were dancing that there was going to be trouble ---

His hand felt almost too comfortable on my back, like it belonged there. He smelled so intoxicatingly good I couldn't help but bend a tad closer to drink up as much of him as I could. He was trying to be politely cordial, but every word he spoke seemed like an overture to a dilemma. He was the one who started it - he conjured up the Snowball, he brought up wonderful evenings and dinner in the same breath – like that amazing night we sang in harmony while working in his kitchen and then I secretly stole a kiss from his lips and felt a stirring like I had never experienced before --- or since. Why did he do that? Why would he want to trigger those memories in me --- unless, unless he still had a flicker of fascination in his soul for me?

I weakened, I let my guard down and let my desires slip out – I knew the minute the words were out of my mouth that I had said too much --- exposed my heart just a bit too much. But --- what can I say – he does that to me.

"It's one of those times you just don't want to end."

I think he knew what I meant. He'd have had to been blind, deaf and dumb not to pick up on the fervor in my voice.

But he didn't react with shock or consternation, like a married man should have - he just let me melt into his arms with an ease of someone who wants so much but asks for so little.

I rested my head on his shoulder and let my affection for him seep into his being. I could hear him breathing deeply – soaking up all that I could give.

If we could just remain like this – dancing, holding each other closely, not caring about what the world might think --- like the song said – "They can't take that away from me."

But that was not to be. The dance ended and so did the dream. We both went back to our respective partners. I heard him call Mel "darling" as he took her hand – that word sliced into my heart like a razor. She was his wife --- what was I to him?

I looked down at Donny – at least I knew where I stood with him. But what about --- Niles? Where did I fit into his neatly orchestrated life? I glanced over at him, his back was to me – I guess the truth was that I didn't fit into that enigma I should be calling Dr. Crane, but just couldn't bring myself to.

With Donny I knew – everything was simple and kosher --- all above-board, there was no --- no mystery, no doubts.

I tried to refocus and listen to what Donny was talking about as we danced. I found that he was telling me how happy he was that we had decided to book the Wayside Inn and that he was going to use it as a tax write-off because several of the guests were current clients of his and all he had to do was talk a bit of shop and he could legitimately do it.

"How clever," I said.

How calculated, how cunning --- how Donny, I thought.

But I guess I'm being unfair. Donny can be kind and even sentimental – it's just that he's not --- not Niles. He never will be.

When I looked up again Niles – Dr. Crane was gone. So was his brother. Mel had a "sucking on lemons" expression on her face. I spied Martin over at the bar, convinced Donny that I was tired enough to sit the next dance out and beat a fast retreat to the stool next to him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Donny shrug and then approach Mel with an invitation to foxtrot with him. That would keep them both occupied for a bit while I chatted up Martin.

"How's it going Mr. Crane?" I asked casually.

"Great, Daph," he replied as he sipped on his beer. "Do you want something from the bar?"

"No --- no, not right now, thanks. Where do you suppose that son --- I mean, those sons of yours have gone off to?"

Martin looked at me, but didn't say a word.

He took a long slow drink from his glass and then set it down carefully.

"You mean Niles, don't you."

It should have been a question, but it wasn't – it was a confirmation, plain and simple.

I couldn't look him straight in the eye.

"Whatever," I mumbled.

Mr. Crane reached out and touched my hand.

"Daphne, how long have you known you loved him?"

I pulled my hand back and twisted a cocktail napkin into a "reefer-like" stick.

"Love him? Love --- him? Mr. Crane! What kind of a question is that?"

I glanced over at Martin's face and knew that I couldn't continue with this farce. The jig was up – I should have known better than to think I could hide anything from Marty for too long.

"About four months, maybe --- maybe more. Since Christmas time to be precise."

The chill from that night on the balcony still went straight to my bones. I gave a little shiver. A tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away with the palm of my hand.

"Have you told him about this?"

He made it sound so easy – like telling a doctor about a pain in my elbow.

I laughed a soft chuckle.

"No --- no I haven't and it doesn't look like now would be the time to, would it?" I sighed and waved my hand around in a circle as if to remind him that a wedding was happening here in the morning. "Besides I know he isn't exactly going to return the favor, so what would be the use?"

"You owe it to Niles, but what is more you owe it to yourself, Daph."

"Now you sound like your other son," I chided him gently. "Got any more advice King Solomon? Tell me - are you really that concerned about my love life or do you just want him to dump Mel?"

"Hey, can you blame me? Mel could be Maris' twin sister," he said shaking his head as he laughed. "Well --- if she lost ten pounds she would."

"Donny seems to get along with her all right," I retorted, turning around to see my fiancé heading towards me.

"Well, he just doesn't know any better," Martin, remarked getting to his feet. "I gotta go to the can."

With that he shuffled off leaving me alone with Donny.

"Mel can sure dance," he declared wiping his brow. "Did you know she actually suffers from vertigo? She's amazing."

"Yes, she's a regular Ginger Rogers," I said, hoping my sarcasm wasn't totally lost. I saw Mel head for the door. Was she also wondering where the missing Dr. Crane was?

"Want a nightcap, Daph?"

"Sure, Donny – a glass of red wine would be nice."

Maybe I could drown my wishes in a goblet of booze. We sat for a while talking about the routine details of tomorrow – it seemed to be the perfect antidote to push my worries aside. But soon the wine was gone, my brothers were starting to kick up an embarrassing ruckus and I just couldn't think of another word to say to my future husband. And of course whenever I closed my eyes all I could see was --- Niles --- smiling shyly as he invited me to dance, laying his head against mine and inhaling my bouquet as we moved in tandem around the dance floor ---

"Daph, my foot's killing me – do you think we could call it a night?"

"Sure, Donny. How many times can one person stand seeing Peter swallow a pint in one gulp with a pair of knickers on his head?"

I rolled my eyes. Those brothers of mine were bloody well humiliating.

We ambled toward the elevators. Donny started to whine again about his foot, or ankle or something like that and I --- I couldn't stop thinking about --- well, about him – Niles. Just the thing a soon-to-be-bride is supposed to be obsessing about on the eve of her wedding – another man --- and a married man at that! I felt like such a slut.

And then suddenly there he was – throwing open a door as he said my name.

"Donny! Daphne!"

He seemed particularly anxious. His face was drawn and he was huffing and puffing like he had just finished a fifty-yard dash. He mentioned that he needed to speak with me and hinted that it had to do with the wedding. What could I do? Refuse to talk to him? He seemed so frenetic that I don't think he would have taken no for an answer.

Donny begged off and went off to bed. Frasier, who had been hovering over his brother's shoulder like a cobra before it strikes, muttered a good night and bolted for the staircase.

I suddenly felt very uncomfortable – very vulnerable. I didn't know if I was strong enough to be alone with him. I tried to steel myself – my wedding was tomorrow morning. He was a married man – on his honeymoon for God's sake! I already had slipped up once tonight when we were dancing and --- and I guess talking to Martin about my little secret wasn't such a bright idea either – although I was pretty sure that I could trust that old codger not to broadcast what I had said.

The point is that --- that I had to be very careful and I had this ominous feeling that he hadn't asked me in to talk about floral arrangements or room consignments. Let's see --- Frasier and he had been obviously talking; Frasier, unlike his father, was a blabbermouth and now a totally frazzled Niles wanted to talk to me --- it didn't take a genius to see that busybody brother of his had told him about my tearful confession. He probably wanted an explanation, or an apology or --- or a statement written in blood saying that I wouldn't stalk him or Mel. God, this could turn out to be so degrading!

I could see he was a bundle of nerves, his hands twitched nervously; he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, as was his habit when he was under a lot of stress. I almost felt more sorry for him than I did myself.

"So Daphne ---"

I jumped on his sentence.

"Yes."

I guess I wasn't much better when it came to the "nerves" department.

I heard him suck in some dry air and try a different approach.

"Could I offer you something to drink?"

His voice cracked as he spoke.

Why did everyone think I was thirsty?

"Um, no thank you."

"Oh, all right. Anyway, Daphne --- "

Oh God! He was going to get right to the point, wasn't he?

"Perhaps an Orangina."

I hoped that would buy me a few more minutes and then I could be better prepared. He scurried over to the mini-bar and while he was extracting two bottles I prattled on incessantly about --- about --- I can't even remember what I talked about now. Only that I felt like that if I kept on talking he couldn't say what he wanted to, so I just continued yapping. No eye contact though – that would have been more than I could handle.

But I couldn't stall forever and finally we sat down and the inevitable happened.

"Anyway, I was just talking to Frasier about a conversation you two had --- "

Bloody hell! Here it comes, I thought.

I wanted to hide under the bed. He was worried I was upset --- upset! That was putting it mildly!

I lit into him! I just exploded – I was angry at him, at his gossipy brother, at --- at the whole world! I paced around the room like a caged tiger. This was so cruel, so --- so pointless!

"No, Daphne, I'm glad he told me because - I love you."

I stopped dead in mid-rant.

What? What did he say?

He --- he loved me? Not "I used to have feelings for you." Not "Listen Daphne, we are just good friends and that's all we are ever going to be."

No – he said, "I love you."

He also used the word "glad" I think.

I was just about to speak when Martin burst through the door. Niles stared at his father as if he had just slapped him in the face with a fish.

Marty quickly surmised that he really didn't belong in this conversation and promptly withdrew.

We were alone once again.

I tried to make sense of this shocking revelation. Is this the same chap that just ran off and tied the knot last weekend? Did he really mean what he had said? No – no, he couldn't --- there wasn't any logic between his recent actions and the words he was saying to me now. I told him he was talking gibberish. But he met my feeble protest with one of the tenderest declarations of love I had ever heard. His voice trembled with honesty and emotion as he laid his long denied feelings out in the open ---

"Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you."

Tears filled my eyes and I felt moved by the density of his feelings.

"What's the difference between a blister and a boil?"

I turned and saw Donny coming through the connecting door from our room.

It was all I could do to cry out his name. I was still so bowled over by what I had just heard I --- I could barely think straight.

Niles must have sensed my dilemma and swiftly came to my aid. He deftly ushered Donny out with the minimum of suspicion as to the true nature of what was going on.

And how did I reward his gallantry? I began grilling him over the coals of my own misgivings. But he held firm – looked me directly in the eyes and assured me that he never would have considered marrying Mel if he had only known that I might have feelings for him.

"Trust me, Daphne, say the word and I will leave Mel in a heartbeat."

I wanted to believe him --- but that didn't make it right.

And right on cue Mel came through the other adjoining door – this room had more traffic running through it than the intersection at Pike and Elm.

True to form she barely acknowledged my existence and proceeded to solicit Niles' input about their honeymoon plans – a romantic getaway to Italy.

Their honeymoon plans - I thought my head was going to explode! The whole situation was taking on a surreal form.

Again Niles skillfully handled her question and steered her back to the exit. I watched him as he stroked her ego with his words – he was good at that. Perhaps too good at it? Oh God, I was about to make one of the most important decisions of my life and I just couldn't put up with all these interruptions!

"Don't the doors in this bloody place lock?" I moaned.

We secured our privacy and he strode over to me like a zealot on a mission.

"Daphne, it's not too late for us. I meant what I said when I said I would leave her."

Things were happening waaaay too fast for me.

"That's crazy!" I blurted out.

"No, no, it's not crazy," his eyes opened wider, his whole body straining under the tension that surrounded us. "Not if you feel the same way I do."

He paused slightly and took a short breath. My heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second.

"But I need you to tell me, and I can accept it if the answer is 'No' --- how do you feel about me?"

Was it really that simple? Did it all come down to that clear-cut equation – did I love him enough to go to any length to be with him? He had made it perfectly clear to me that he was willing to do just that. Now I had to decide how much I was prepared to risk for his love.

I just needed some quiet time to think about what he had said.

"Pardon."

Simon! The absolute last person that I wanted to see with all that was on my plate! From the minute he scuttled through the door with a key that he had stolen from Frasier I knew that chaos was sure to follow – and it did!

Within minutes he had insulted me, offended Niles, raided the bar and invited every drunken sibling and relative of mine into the room until it had all the atmosphere of a carnival sideshow.

While Mum nattered in my ear about parties in the Winnebago I caught sight of Niles quietly exiting through the balcony doors.

I gave one last parting shot at Mum and hurried out after him.

There he was, standing by the rail like a fretful teenager on his first date. After a brief apology on my part for all the confusion, he tried to ease the tension by making a mild joke and some mindless conversation about the weather. It was heartrending to witness the agonizing contortions that his soul was going through while he waited for me to deliver my verdict. I didn't dare look at him – I knew that I would never be able to sort through all my emotions if I gazed into his deep, azure blue eyes while he chattered on about orange blossoms or jasmine --- or some such flower. I had to just make a decision – weigh the pros and cons. No touching him, no looking at him, no listening to his tearful voice, no kissing his sweet, sweet lips -

"Oh, for God's sake, Dr. Crane!"

It was all too much – he was too much for me to resist any further! I sprang on him and almost devoured him whole! I held on to his neck and locked my lips onto his with such a force that I thought I might topple him over. He did seem taken aback slightly at first, but recovered nicely and showed me exactly what I had been missing all these years.

Such warmth, such tenderness --- such passion. Could this man hide anything else under those expensively tailored Italian suits? His hands softly trailed over my back and sent quivers up and down my spine. The thrill of that moment can never be fully captured with mere words. I was simply in a state of rapture.

When we broke apart for a brief mouthful of air, he gently requested that I start calling him by his first name and then gathered me in closer to him. His second kiss told me so many things. It told me that he was speaking the truth when he had said that he would do anything – withstand anyone's wrath, accept any criticism, suffer anyone's scorn or defy any convention to have me by his side. Was I willing to do the same for him? His kiss also told me that he loved me – really loved me and --- and that he needed an honest answer from me so that he knew where he stood. Could I call him "Niles" out loud now?

I steadied myself and leaned back so I could speak.

"No, I don't think I can," I heard my voice cracking along with his heart. "I do love you, but I can't do this."

I backed away from him and put some distance between the two of us.

About seven years of distance.

He tried to dissuade me, but it was with the conviction of someone who already knew he had lost the race. I felt terrible – it was the hardest thing I had ever done.

I didn't do this lightly. I did love him – the thought of being with him excited me. I found myself just enjoying breathing in the air when I was next to him. He had a way about him that made me feel good about myself - and the world, whenever we were together. But there were other things to consider with this – like how could I hurt Donny and just leave him so suddenly? He'd done nothing to deserve such treatment – he even regarded Niles as his friend. There was the fact that we didn't really know each other very well – we hadn't even been on a date and --- and he was asking me to call off my wedding! And there was the age old nagging question that maybe this was just another way for me to run from a commitment – like I had done with Clive and others before. Was Niles just a convenient escape-hatch for me? And Mel --- Mel was Niles' wife – she would have every right to seek a truckload of revenge on both our heads if we went through with this --- this wild notion. It would be so complicated and dirty and it frightened me to the core. Could our love be strong enough to see us through this envisioned nightmare?

I just didn't know – so I played it safe and stuck with what I did know. There would be no first date, no getting to know him better – I was going to marry Donny.

And I broke his heart in the process --- and I --- I will have to live with that on my conscience as my punishment.

So I screwed my resolve to the "sticking place" and told him that I had made up my mind.

True to his word he gave me one last pitiful look of despair and then whispered an anguished "Good night, Daphne."

I barely managed to squeeze out a "Good night, Dr. Crane." before rushing from the balcony in a flood of tears.

I knew he wouldn't follow me – not because I doubted his absolute devotion, but because I was so sure of it. He had assured me he would accept my edict, no matter what the outcome, no matter how painful it was for him --- or me. He wouldn't break his word.

And so I left him there on the balcony and made my way through the crowded room. The drunken party was in full swing. No one even noticed me as I slipped out the door. I paused in front of Donny's and my room. I could hear his snores all the way through the door. I glanced at my watch – it was 1:30 in the morning. I was supposed to be marrying him in less than nine hours. I put my hand on the doorknob. My whole body was shaking like a nudist on an ice floe.

No – no I couldn't just go in the room, shed my dress and climb into bed with Donny. Not when I could still taste Niles in my mouth and smell the scent of him on my clothes. I turned around and headed down the hallway, not really knowing where to go – just wandering without a compass.

How I ended up in the lounge I will never know, but there I was standing in the doorway, when I saw Frasier and Martin sitting in a pair of high back chairs near the fireplace. They were talking in low, solemn tones and when I approached them it went deathly quiet – very quickly.

Probably owing to the fact that I looked like a refugee from an emotional holocaust, they rapidly surmised that things between Niles and me had not gone well. Frasier lept to his feet and after a second or two of tentative deliberation, he came forward and gave me one of his patented bear hugs. Through my blubbering, muffled by his suitcoat jacket, I could hear Martin chiming in with his support.

"That's O.K. Daphne, let it all out."

"Tell us what happened."

"We're here for you Daph."

I fell into a chair, blew my nose on Frasier's generous hankie and told them that Niles had declared his love for me, but that I just couldn't find it within myself to risk so much and go with him. He was asking too much from me.

Martin shook his head slowly. The look on Frasier's face was one of pure sorrow.

"I love him, but --- "

I couldn't finish.

"He loves you, Daphne," Frasier said somberly. "He's always loved you."

Martin wiped his eyes with his sleeve and cleared his throat.

"I --- I have to get a drink. I --- I must have something stuck in my windpipe.

I think I can convince the bartender to break the rule about last call --- any one else want something?"

Frasier nodded yes and I followed suit.

"Brandy," I said with a rawness that surprised myself.

"Thanks Dad," Frasier added.

"Will he be all right, Dr. Crane?"

"Who? Dad? Sure he's done this plenty of times – he has a way with bartenders."

I squinted my eyes at him and he caved.

"Oh you mean --- Niles? Well, I suppose so Daphne. He's a pretty resilient fellow – we don't give him enough credit I think. Look at all he put up with from Maris – yet he came through that."

"So I'm in the same league as Maris am I?" I asked with a bitter tinge. "Great company I keep."

"No, no, I didn't mean that!" he huffed. "I just meant that Niles is made of tougher stuff than what he looks like sometimes and he's weathered emotional setbacks before. That's all."

Martin appeared and handed me a snifter full of brandy. I took one long gulp and sighed.

"I didn't want to hurt him – I don't want to hurt anybody!"

"We know Daph, we know."

The elder Crane reached out and patted my hand.

"It's just so damn messy," I slurred as I took another swig of my drink. "If the wedding is called off there'll be so many disappointed people – so many angry disappointed people to face. This way is better – all round."

I finished off my glass and blinked my eyes. My head felt a bit woozy. I slumped back in the chair.

"He'll get over me --- right?

I was looking for a cheap, easy way to bring me solace.

"Get over you?" Frasier repeated. "No, I don't think so – at one time I thought he might be able to. I now realize I was mistaken. He will however, adapt - he'll learn to live with the absence of you, but --- get over you – never."

His frankness cut me to the quick. There were genuine feelings involved here – I couldn't get away with platitudes.

"The real question is Daphne," Martin said sadly. "Will you be able to live with the choice you have made?"

With those words ringing in my ears, I thanked them both for the brandy and sympathy, said my "good nights" and stumbled up to my room.

Can I --- can I live with my choice?

I close my eyes and all I see is him. Even when I am lying next to Donny. All I see is Niles.

I have to answer that question.

Is this a choice I can live with – a life without Niles?

That's what this is all about.

I have to sleep now.

As Niles said – "We all have a very big day tomorrow," after all.

Goodnight Diary.

Stay tuned for Part 18 (to be continued)