Just One Look
By Valma
Part 19: A Tale of Two Pities
My Journey Through Life - Niles Crane
"Would that I were the heaven, that I might be All full of love-lit eyes to gaze upon thee." -Plato
Tonight --- tonight I am in that vaulted position, that lofty celestial perch from which I can glimpse down upon my "angel" --- my Daphne. And finally - finally I feel utterly embraced by the boundless ecstasy that defines my love for her.
Out there - when I strain my eyes hard enough, I can make out the twinkling glow of the Elliot Bay apartments on the "counter-balance" and I know that Daphne is there - probably awake and reflecting, like me, on the events that have occurred over the past twenty-four hours. I've done this countless times before in earlier days --- staring out across the cityscape, searching for the faintest symbol of her presence, feeling that if I distinguished even the mere outline of the building she was in --- that somehow connected her to me.
I never fully admitted it to myself, but I indulged in this activity even when I was with Mel. We would be out on the balcony of the Montana, enjoying the evening breeze, reading or sipping on a glass of Chardonnay, when I would find my thoughts unwittingly traversing the chasm that separated Daphne from me. My imaginings weren't exclusively sexual, although I confess to that as well; but often I just pictured her going about her daily chores in that distant structure, cleaning the apartment, talking to Dad or Frasier, watching television, reading a magazine, eating a meal, taking a bath --- running the water, as she slipped out of her robe --- it would drop to the floor in a terrycloth puddle around her feet, unveiling her body, so voluptuous and -
But then Mel would soon inquire out loud as to what that intense "far away" look on my face was about and I'd guiltily try to exorcise all traces of my thoughts. Subsequently I'd mentally flagellate myself for my clandestine impropriety and earnestly issue a silent pledge that I wouldn't do it again --- but like a compulsive gambler, the temptation always proved too great and before long I'd find myself thinking of her again - it was a vicious circle of fixation, recrimination and ineffectual self-denial. Thank God those days are over! Now I can freely be like those stars that lovingly look down on her - no more doubts, no more shame --- no more self-censure of my irrepressible feelings for her. I should have known better - there was a reason I couldn't expunge her from my mind - I never, never truly stopped loving her. Indubitably, I ought to have recognized why those thoughts were so persistent --- but I didn't, and as they say - hindsight has 20/20 vision. I can't go back and change what has happened in the past - I can only look happily to the future. No use crying over spilt milk, right?
What's done is done.
What doesn't destroy will us make us stronger.
Clichés aside - if that last statement is true, then the events of the last twenty-four hours has made me into a Herculean behemoth.
A day ago I thought I was destroyed - the emotional wreckage of my life beyond repair. Like a clock whose mainspring had seized up, I could not see how any time or effort could ever restore my heart to a workable condition. Yes, I had taken a solemn oath that I would "soldier on" with my life for Daphne's sake, but it had taken every ounce of stamina I had to greet the dawn with even a half-hearted "good morning" after spending the entire night fitfully awake, struggling to come to terms with the rejection I had suffered. After the second time Mel asked if I was feeling all right, I gave a couple of feeble coughs and exploited her concern for my health rather than garner any further suspicions as to the true nature of my malaise.
As the hour of the wedding approached it became abundantly clear to me that it wasn't just abject melancholy that I had to deal with. While the minutes ticked by, I realized that there was a strong likelihood that I would deteriorate into a complete raving, hyperventilating lunatic if I was made to actually witness Daphne exchanging vows of love with Donny. There really wasn't a chance that I would survive that perilous "coup de grace"; not --- not after what had passed between us on the balcony the night before. I decided that I just couldn't go through with it, despite my good intentions of wanting to put on a brave face. I mumbled something to Mel about finding some bug repellant to protect myself from the winged pests in the garden and took off to quarantine myself in the Road Warrior, determined to stay holed up in there until the ceremony was over.
A comforting kind of numbness crept over me as I sat in the driver's seat, alone with my thoughts inside that metal-encased cocoon, safely isolated from making a complete public disgrace of myself. Oh, I knew there would be an eventual price to pay for this respite. Mel, of course, would be rightly furious with me for my unforgivable lapse in decorum with deserting her at a social function, but I --- I would just have to endure that somehow --- later.
When Dad and Frasier unexpectedly showed up, they tried each in their own way to bolster my spirits. I was very touched by their thoughtful gestures, so I made a pretense for their sake, to act like their words of encouragement had done the trick but the sad truth was --- that I really just wanted them to go away.
And thankfully, finally they did.
Again I was alone with my misery. A misery that I amply deserved - fitting punishment for my incredible stupidity at letting a divine creature like Daphne slip away because of my procrastination and fears over the years. I glanced down at my watch. Very shortly Daphne would be married and --- and --- I didn't want to contemplate the finish of that sentence. I closed my eyes - it was like waiting for the guillotine blade to fall.
A knock came on the door. I surmised it must be Frasier's promised glass of champagne that he said he would send my way.
Good. If I was to be like a condemned prisoner on "Death Row", I might as well have something chic to imbibe as a last request.
I bade whomever it was to enter; not even bothering to open my eyes, fully anticipating a uniformed garcon to deposit a glass of bubbly and retreat quickly, but when the door opened a familiar yet startling voice greeted me.
"Hello."
My eyes popped open immediately.
It was --- her - Daphne!
Her voice trembled ever so slightly. She seemed to be teetering on the brink of uncertainty - as if she wasn't sure of exactly what kind of reception was in store for her.
She looked resplendent, her white satin gown cinched neatly at her waist, her thick hair pulled back neatly, tucked behind a shimmering white veil. Every inch a beautiful bride. She glided into the Winnebago and stood by the door.
"Daphne."
I rose to my feet as I uttered her name, fearing that if I blinked --- she would disappear. Was she a mirage? Had I gone completely delusional and slipped into that nebulous world of hallucination? Why would she be here with me - when --- when she should be saying her "I do's" in the garden at this very moment?
"I was wondering --- if you might be free for a date?"
Free for a --- date? With her? She wasn't going to marry Donny? My brain took a nanosecond to process the connotation of what she had asked.
She wanted me - me, not Donny!
She had changed her mind.
I felt the weight of seven years lift off my shoulders!
I rushed into her arms, grabbing hold of her and holding her so closely that I thought my arms would break!
"Oh my God, yes!"
My darling, my love --- my Daphne!
I wanted to kiss her until my lips were raw, I yearned to envelop her in my arms and make love to her, feel her body next to mine --- wasn't there a bed in the back of this contraption?
"There's plenty of time for that later," she breathlessly stammered.
Was she really psychic? Could she read my lustful, eager thoughts? Was she having those --- those urges too?
"Let's get this bloody boat moving!"
Daphne dashed to the front of the Winnebago - I followed after her as quickly as I could, considering my knees were like an unstable soufflé.
"What, you mean now?"
She anxiously explained that she wasn't about to face the angry mob that was expecting the scheduled Douglas/Moon nuptials, so that meant that we would have to make some fast tracks and offer our elucidations later - when things had cooled down.
All right! Anything she wanted! She could have asked me to strip naked and pose as the hood ornament of the Road Warrior and I would have! Way back in the recesses of my cerebral cortex I could hear a tiny little voice saying that this wasn't right, that if we just ran off, it showed others that we were ashamed of our love --- shut the hell up!! Just do as she asks!
"Fasten your seatbelt, Daphne," I cautioned. No use of us getting mangled in a vehicular accident and although I was getting better at maneuvering this monstrosity, it would just be sensible if -
"Fasten yours, Niles."
Niles! She called me "Niles"!
I looked over at her - savoring this dream come true - I wanted this triumphant moment etched in my memory for all eternity --- Daphne and I were together at last!
As we drove down the long laneway that led to the road, that scrupulous nagging voice in my head got louder and louder like the growing growl of an approaching thunderstorm. Outrunning a deluge always seems more appealing than getting inundated by it, but I knew that this was one tempest that we couldn't elude forever. Finally, Daphne saw this too and reluctantly agreed that we should return to the Inn and redress our actions. It wasn't going to be easy, but it had to be done. We had to go back and weather this storm to clear our consciences. Our escape from reality lasted a total of ten minutes.
When we pulled into the parking lot, miraculously no one even seemed to notice the wayward Winnebago's absence. I shut off the engine and Daphne grasped my hand. She was quaking.
"Niles, I'm --- I'm scared," she confessed. "Even though I know we are doing the right thing, I also know that what I have to say to him will hurt him terribly --- I just don't know if I have enough courage to tell him to his face. Please --- please, tell me again - how, how am I ever going to get through this?"
I leaned over and kissed her on her cheek. This had to be my hour to shine - I had to show her that I had the strength to inspire confidence and prove to her I was worthy of her love.
"Daphne," I whispered in her ear. "Both of us have spent too long hiding our love, from ourselves, from our families, from our friends and from the world. What we are doing today will change all that. This is a new beginning, not just for you and me, but also for --- for us."
I felt a warm, salty tear steal down her face. I brought my hand up and wiped it away with my fingertips. I wanted to protect her as much as I could.
"Do you want me to go with you when you speak to Donny? You can just wait in here until I finish talking to --- to Mel."
I hadn't meant to gulp before I said Mel's name - but I did. It just happened. Yes, yes it did frighten me - I couldn't hide that fact. I knew how --- how intense Mel could be. Daphne looked up into my eyes.
"We each have our own crosses to bear, don't we?" she asked rhetorically. She paused and then determinedly resumed, "I'm ready to speak to Donny now. I think it would be best if we did it separately and at the same time - quicker that way. You know --- divide and conquer - and all that. "
I smiled at her.
Before I could tell her how brave I thought she was, a knock came at the door. I didn't have to even open the door to know that the person on the end of that sound was my brother.
"Come in, Frasier."
Frasier stepped in and promptly shut the door behind him. He looked back and forth rapidly between the two of us, for all of about thirty seconds, and then said, "I take it the wedding's off for you --- and there is a divorce on the horizon for you?"
He raised his eyebrow as a way of seeking verification.
We didn't say a word - just nodded our heads in mute agreement with his assessment.
"Weeelllll," he said in a rush of air and then laughed as he sprang forward and hugged us. "I just have to say how hap -"
"Frasier, we still have to tell Mel and Donny," I interrupted. "We need your help. And time --- time is of the essence, before too many more people start wondering where the "bride-to-be" is and Mel has the staff drag the koi pond for my body."
A dark cloud passed over his brow.
"Oh -- of course," was all he said.
Within minutes the three of us had devised a course of action. Roz would be recruited to go with Daphne for moral support, while Frasier and Dad would hover around by me --- to pick up the pieces of my mortal remains after I finished talking to Mel.
After some quickly uttered goodbyes and good lucks, we were off with Frasier scouting ahead to minimize the chance of any parking lot confrontations.
I took a last look at Daphne over my shoulder as Roz met up with us and led her off towards the garden area, the location of the most recent "Donny sighting".
She seemed nervous, but resolute.
I sighed.
"Don't worry, Niles," Frasier assured me. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I think the hardest part is already over."
"You really don't know Mel that well, do you?" I quipped, but then quickly added, "I don't have even a whisper of doubt that whatever I have to face will be worth what I gain in the end with Daphne, but I also fear that Mel won't be understanding in the least about this situation --- and --- and I can hardly blame her. I truly feel like a villain when it comes to what I am doing to Mel."
"She'll just have to accept it, Niles," Frasier said supportively.
"But don't you see - neither Mel nor Donny did anything wrong," I argued. "Their only crime is that they loved someone."
I hung my head in shame.
"Just don't take any guff from her, brother," Frasier said with a firm grimace.
Before I could rebuttal his comment, Dad came hobbling up and informed us that someone had told him that Mel was up in my room.
I headed up the stairs, with Frasier and Dad trailing closely behind.
The door loomed in front of me. I swallowed hard, whispered, "I love you, Daphne" and knocked gently on the door as I opened it.
"I --- I understand you were looking for me?"
Mel was standing by the window with her back to me when I came in. My words dangled in the air like those clay pigeon targets in a skeet shoot.
"Where --- where have you been," she sputtered out with exasperation. "And
w-h-y --- why hasn't this --- blasted wedding started yet?"
"Well, the answer to both those questions may be one and the same," I said cryptically. "Mel, I --- I'd like you to sit down, please?"
She gave one last squint out the window at the garden below, perched stiffly on the edge of the bed and focused her "cross-hairs" in my direction with a façade of petulant frostiness.
"Well, what have you got to tell me --- Niles?"
I realized then and there that she knew --- in her heart, she knew.
Oh, she may not of known exactly all the details at that precise moment - I doubt that anyone would have ever been able to guess the entire long tortured history of Daphne and myself - but she had put two and two together and certainly suspected that there was something wrong between her and I and that it somehow was connected with the commotion going on outside our window as we spoke.
I sat down next to her on the bed. I wanted to take her hand, but I knew that once I filled in all the painful particulars, confirming the vague qualms she now felt, very shortly she wouldn't want me touching her.
"Mel, this is difficult for me to say --- but long, long before I met you, I fell in love with someone --- while I was still married to Maris."
I stopped to gather my thoughts - it wasn't easy for me to itemize my failings in such detail - it all sounded so --- so pathetic. I cleared my throat.
"I couldn't --- or rather I never summoned up the courage to tell this woman that I loved her, so we never went any further than friendship for many years. But instead of my feelings disappearing for this woman, they -- - they just grew stronger."
I paused again, waiting for a reaction.
None was forthcoming. Mel's face was a monument to glacial impassiveness.
Her gaze traveled briefly over to the window and then back to me, but any hint of overt emotion was camouflaged behind a solid countenance of stony silence. I could feel my throat constricting, but I plunged ahead anyway - I owed her a proper explanation at least.
"Well, when I was finally divorced from Maris, I thought that I would have a chance to reveal to this woman that I loved her and we would be able to -- - to begin a real relationship. But that wasn't to be, instead I had waited too long and she had finally found another. You --- you have to realize, Mel that I was devastated --- I was a broken man, floundering on the rocks of all my shattered dreams - disconsolate. And then --- then I -- - met you."
I glanced over at her and saw her hand dart up to her eyes, flicking away an errant tear. My soul was filled with pity for her. Always before I was the one on the receiving end of heartache - I knew how destructive it could be to a person's spirit. Now for the first time, I was the one inflicting the injurious blows. I hated myself for the role that I had to play.
"I made a concerted effort to put her out of my mind, tried to deny that I felt anything for her and --- and it worked --- to a degree. I suppressed my feelings for her so well that I sincerely believed I had purged her from my system. I never told you about any of this, well --- because I really didn't think that there was even the slightest chance that things would ever change between her and I. She was gone from my life. I was so sure, so very sure she loved that other man."
I lapsed into silence once more. Mel rose off the bed and walked over to the window again. The wail of an ambulance could be heard in the distance.
Finally she spoke - her voice was ragged and low.
"Was --- was that other man --- Donny?"
"Yes," I simply whispered as I came up close behind her.
"But you were wrong weren't you? You found out that she loved you, after all - not Donny. And you --- you still love her, don't you?"
Now it was my turn to be lost for words. I found myself desperately wishing that my love for Daphne wasn't the weapon that had injured someone so deeply. My mouth opened to respond to her, but no sound came out.
When Mel didn't get an answer, she wheeled around and confronted me.
"Don't you!" her voice rose as she spoke. "D---Daphne is the woman whom you have l-loved all these years --- and --- and now you know --- that she --- she loves you."
"Yes --- yes, Mel, it's true. Can you see that we didn't plan any of this? B-b-but we can't deny our love to each other any more. It wouldn't be right - for us --- or for you or Donny. Please --- please try and understand."
Did she comprehend? Through all the pain, did she see that I was begging her to release me, both emotionally and legally - so I could be with Daphne? I had to know for sure.
"Mel --- Mel, we need to accept that the best thing all round would be if we just got a divorce. I --- I made a mistake, Mel - not --- not in loving you, but in convincing myself that I didn't love Daphne any more. But I do - I do love Daphne and that will never change. I know now that I will never be complete without her. I'm --- I'm sorry that I dragged you into this --- this little psychodrama of mine. You have to believe me when I say that I never would have done this to you on purpose. If I had only known that she felt the same about me --- none of this would have happened. I realize I did a terrible thing to you --- making you pay for my years of idiocy and cowardice and if I could make this easier for you I would, but -- - but you always said that you wanted me to be honest with you. Well, I am trying to be truthful with you, Mel. To continue with our marriage now would just compound my blunder - it wouldn't make it vanish. I need you to --- to let me go --- please?"
Her face contorted into a taut scowl, but she remained silent. I could see that her hands were clamped into tight, tiny balls by her sides, her knuckles turned whiter with each passing second. This lack of communication was unhealthy - if I could just get her to talk about it, maybe her anger would dissipate and we could deal with this in a more rational manner.
"Mel, did you hear what I just said? Say something --- anything."
Her mouth twitched a couple of times and --- and then she just began to --- to shriek. A blasting shockwave of venomous fury just poured out of her for what seemed like an interminable amount of time.
I tried to calm her down, but the effusion of sound coming from her lips drowned my pleas out. Her screaming tantrum caught me off guard - I stood there stunned, immobilized by it, incapable of stopping her and unable to extract myself from its almost mesmerizing-like power.
I didn't even see her hand coming until it was too late. Her palm made contact with my cheek with such a loud crack that it sounded like a starter's pistol. I reeled back slightly from the staggering blow. I could feel the stinging imprint of her ring on my flesh.
"Who are YOU? Who --- who are you that you could do this --- this to - to ME!"
A rainbow of little stars flitted in and out of my range of vision as I looked at her increasingly reddening face.
"You gutless monster! You spineless, pathetic fiend! You --- you cruel --- whoring BASTARD!!"
"Mel -"
"SHUT UP! Don't say another word!"
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. I waited - I felt completely at her mercy, defenseless against any retribution that she might have in store for me. I knew this was the price I had to pay to be absolved of my guilt for hurting her.
When she spoke again her voice had a sharp, flinty sound.
"You've said your piece and now it's my turn. You betrayed me, Niles. I loved you --- I trusted you, I opened myself up to you and this --- this is how you repay me? With duplicity! With treachery! By running off with one of your brother's in-house staff --- a common servant for God's sake!"
I winced. She could say anything she liked about me, but her astringent reference to Daphne cut to the quick.
"I'm leaving immediately, Niles --- and I'm going back to Seattle. I --- I need time --- time to think, about how all of this is going to play out, but you'll be hearing from me very soon - don't you worry! Now, get - out - of - my - WAY!"
She pushed past me and grabbed her suitcase. After flinging her clothes into her overnight bag, she stormed out of the room. There was a humming noise in my ears and my knees began to buckle, so I retreated to a chair before I blacked out completely. Frasier and Dad rushed in and, I'd say by the looks on their faces, it was a safe bet that they fully expected to see my various body parts strewn haphazardly about the room.
"She --- she's gone," I gasped, trying to regain my composure quickly. "I thought it went --- remarkably well, actually."
Dad reached out and grazed his finger across my cheek. The outline of Mel's handprint was still faintly visible.
"Yeah, really well. If it had gone any better --- you wouldn't have your head attached still."
I ignored his sardonic analysis and stood up to greet my anxious brother.
"You were right, Frasier. The worst is over. I think once Mel calms down she --- she and I will be able to handle this like reasonable adults."
"Now, who's the one who doesn't know Mel so well?" he muttered under his breath.
I decided to let that remark go by too. I didn't want them thinking that I was incapable of going through with this. I had to appear in control, above the fray, even if I was absolutely terrified at what Mel had in store for me in the near future. No one must know, not Frasier, not Dad and especially not -
"Daphne!"
I turned promptly around and rushed over to her once I recognized her footsteps.
We fell into each other's arms and I gave her a kiss that made the one on the balcony the night before seem like a --- a polite peck on the cheek. I was so glad to see her I forgot about Frasier and Dad gawking at us, I didn't care one whit about demonstrating any type of restraint or subtlety --- I just wanted her lips on mine, to taste her in my mouth and to feel --- feel loved again.
When we finally broke apart, we were alone.
We sat down and talked, relating our respective ordeals and --- we kissed and then --- then we kissed some more.
I wanted to stay in that room with her for forever!
But reality interceded and before long we had to pack things up and head back to Seattle. When we finally arrived at Frasier's apartment, I was about to ask Daphne if she would like to come with me to the Montana, but before I could bat an eyelash she gave me a demure kiss good-bye, whispered "I'll see you tomorrow," and was out of the car.
Initially I thought it was just that she was mentally and physically exhausted after all that had happened to us and wanted some time to relax. But sitting here now, reflecting on various matters, I realize that she is probably a bit tentative about pushing our newfound relationship ahead too rapidly.
I think I have to be careful about that too.
I have had time - seven very long years to picture what I want when it comes to Daphne. I want to make mad, passionate love to her, carry her over the threshold of the Montana as my bride and raise a family with her. And why not? She is my goddess - my perfect woman and now --- now finally my dreams have become an actuality! For her it is entirely different. This a fresh experience for Daphne. Viewing me through romantic --- and sexual eyes is a whole new occurrence for her. Tomorrow morning when I see her, one of the first things I'll do is reassure her that we can take it slowly if she likes --- I think she would be more comfortable with that approach. Even though I have waited sooooo long for this - I can wait a bit longer. I'll do anything she wants. If she wants it chaste until after my divorce and things are settled with Donny - that's what I'll do. If she wants to remain living at Frasier's for a while - that's fine too. No sacrifice is too great, no request from her lips too unreasonable - just so long as I can be with her, by her side and feel her hand in mine --- kiss her lips and tell her I love her.
That is what is really important for right now.
The rest --- will come all in due time.
Tonight --- tonight I'll stare up at the stars and think of my beautiful, beautiful Daphne and know that I am the luckiest man in the world.
Adieu.
Stay tuned for Part 20 (to be continued)
By Valma
Part 19: A Tale of Two Pities
My Journey Through Life - Niles Crane
"Would that I were the heaven, that I might be All full of love-lit eyes to gaze upon thee." -Plato
Tonight --- tonight I am in that vaulted position, that lofty celestial perch from which I can glimpse down upon my "angel" --- my Daphne. And finally - finally I feel utterly embraced by the boundless ecstasy that defines my love for her.
Out there - when I strain my eyes hard enough, I can make out the twinkling glow of the Elliot Bay apartments on the "counter-balance" and I know that Daphne is there - probably awake and reflecting, like me, on the events that have occurred over the past twenty-four hours. I've done this countless times before in earlier days --- staring out across the cityscape, searching for the faintest symbol of her presence, feeling that if I distinguished even the mere outline of the building she was in --- that somehow connected her to me.
I never fully admitted it to myself, but I indulged in this activity even when I was with Mel. We would be out on the balcony of the Montana, enjoying the evening breeze, reading or sipping on a glass of Chardonnay, when I would find my thoughts unwittingly traversing the chasm that separated Daphne from me. My imaginings weren't exclusively sexual, although I confess to that as well; but often I just pictured her going about her daily chores in that distant structure, cleaning the apartment, talking to Dad or Frasier, watching television, reading a magazine, eating a meal, taking a bath --- running the water, as she slipped out of her robe --- it would drop to the floor in a terrycloth puddle around her feet, unveiling her body, so voluptuous and -
But then Mel would soon inquire out loud as to what that intense "far away" look on my face was about and I'd guiltily try to exorcise all traces of my thoughts. Subsequently I'd mentally flagellate myself for my clandestine impropriety and earnestly issue a silent pledge that I wouldn't do it again --- but like a compulsive gambler, the temptation always proved too great and before long I'd find myself thinking of her again - it was a vicious circle of fixation, recrimination and ineffectual self-denial. Thank God those days are over! Now I can freely be like those stars that lovingly look down on her - no more doubts, no more shame --- no more self-censure of my irrepressible feelings for her. I should have known better - there was a reason I couldn't expunge her from my mind - I never, never truly stopped loving her. Indubitably, I ought to have recognized why those thoughts were so persistent --- but I didn't, and as they say - hindsight has 20/20 vision. I can't go back and change what has happened in the past - I can only look happily to the future. No use crying over spilt milk, right?
What's done is done.
What doesn't destroy will us make us stronger.
Clichés aside - if that last statement is true, then the events of the last twenty-four hours has made me into a Herculean behemoth.
A day ago I thought I was destroyed - the emotional wreckage of my life beyond repair. Like a clock whose mainspring had seized up, I could not see how any time or effort could ever restore my heart to a workable condition. Yes, I had taken a solemn oath that I would "soldier on" with my life for Daphne's sake, but it had taken every ounce of stamina I had to greet the dawn with even a half-hearted "good morning" after spending the entire night fitfully awake, struggling to come to terms with the rejection I had suffered. After the second time Mel asked if I was feeling all right, I gave a couple of feeble coughs and exploited her concern for my health rather than garner any further suspicions as to the true nature of my malaise.
As the hour of the wedding approached it became abundantly clear to me that it wasn't just abject melancholy that I had to deal with. While the minutes ticked by, I realized that there was a strong likelihood that I would deteriorate into a complete raving, hyperventilating lunatic if I was made to actually witness Daphne exchanging vows of love with Donny. There really wasn't a chance that I would survive that perilous "coup de grace"; not --- not after what had passed between us on the balcony the night before. I decided that I just couldn't go through with it, despite my good intentions of wanting to put on a brave face. I mumbled something to Mel about finding some bug repellant to protect myself from the winged pests in the garden and took off to quarantine myself in the Road Warrior, determined to stay holed up in there until the ceremony was over.
A comforting kind of numbness crept over me as I sat in the driver's seat, alone with my thoughts inside that metal-encased cocoon, safely isolated from making a complete public disgrace of myself. Oh, I knew there would be an eventual price to pay for this respite. Mel, of course, would be rightly furious with me for my unforgivable lapse in decorum with deserting her at a social function, but I --- I would just have to endure that somehow --- later.
When Dad and Frasier unexpectedly showed up, they tried each in their own way to bolster my spirits. I was very touched by their thoughtful gestures, so I made a pretense for their sake, to act like their words of encouragement had done the trick but the sad truth was --- that I really just wanted them to go away.
And thankfully, finally they did.
Again I was alone with my misery. A misery that I amply deserved - fitting punishment for my incredible stupidity at letting a divine creature like Daphne slip away because of my procrastination and fears over the years. I glanced down at my watch. Very shortly Daphne would be married and --- and --- I didn't want to contemplate the finish of that sentence. I closed my eyes - it was like waiting for the guillotine blade to fall.
A knock came on the door. I surmised it must be Frasier's promised glass of champagne that he said he would send my way.
Good. If I was to be like a condemned prisoner on "Death Row", I might as well have something chic to imbibe as a last request.
I bade whomever it was to enter; not even bothering to open my eyes, fully anticipating a uniformed garcon to deposit a glass of bubbly and retreat quickly, but when the door opened a familiar yet startling voice greeted me.
"Hello."
My eyes popped open immediately.
It was --- her - Daphne!
Her voice trembled ever so slightly. She seemed to be teetering on the brink of uncertainty - as if she wasn't sure of exactly what kind of reception was in store for her.
She looked resplendent, her white satin gown cinched neatly at her waist, her thick hair pulled back neatly, tucked behind a shimmering white veil. Every inch a beautiful bride. She glided into the Winnebago and stood by the door.
"Daphne."
I rose to my feet as I uttered her name, fearing that if I blinked --- she would disappear. Was she a mirage? Had I gone completely delusional and slipped into that nebulous world of hallucination? Why would she be here with me - when --- when she should be saying her "I do's" in the garden at this very moment?
"I was wondering --- if you might be free for a date?"
Free for a --- date? With her? She wasn't going to marry Donny? My brain took a nanosecond to process the connotation of what she had asked.
She wanted me - me, not Donny!
She had changed her mind.
I felt the weight of seven years lift off my shoulders!
I rushed into her arms, grabbing hold of her and holding her so closely that I thought my arms would break!
"Oh my God, yes!"
My darling, my love --- my Daphne!
I wanted to kiss her until my lips were raw, I yearned to envelop her in my arms and make love to her, feel her body next to mine --- wasn't there a bed in the back of this contraption?
"There's plenty of time for that later," she breathlessly stammered.
Was she really psychic? Could she read my lustful, eager thoughts? Was she having those --- those urges too?
"Let's get this bloody boat moving!"
Daphne dashed to the front of the Winnebago - I followed after her as quickly as I could, considering my knees were like an unstable soufflé.
"What, you mean now?"
She anxiously explained that she wasn't about to face the angry mob that was expecting the scheduled Douglas/Moon nuptials, so that meant that we would have to make some fast tracks and offer our elucidations later - when things had cooled down.
All right! Anything she wanted! She could have asked me to strip naked and pose as the hood ornament of the Road Warrior and I would have! Way back in the recesses of my cerebral cortex I could hear a tiny little voice saying that this wasn't right, that if we just ran off, it showed others that we were ashamed of our love --- shut the hell up!! Just do as she asks!
"Fasten your seatbelt, Daphne," I cautioned. No use of us getting mangled in a vehicular accident and although I was getting better at maneuvering this monstrosity, it would just be sensible if -
"Fasten yours, Niles."
Niles! She called me "Niles"!
I looked over at her - savoring this dream come true - I wanted this triumphant moment etched in my memory for all eternity --- Daphne and I were together at last!
As we drove down the long laneway that led to the road, that scrupulous nagging voice in my head got louder and louder like the growing growl of an approaching thunderstorm. Outrunning a deluge always seems more appealing than getting inundated by it, but I knew that this was one tempest that we couldn't elude forever. Finally, Daphne saw this too and reluctantly agreed that we should return to the Inn and redress our actions. It wasn't going to be easy, but it had to be done. We had to go back and weather this storm to clear our consciences. Our escape from reality lasted a total of ten minutes.
When we pulled into the parking lot, miraculously no one even seemed to notice the wayward Winnebago's absence. I shut off the engine and Daphne grasped my hand. She was quaking.
"Niles, I'm --- I'm scared," she confessed. "Even though I know we are doing the right thing, I also know that what I have to say to him will hurt him terribly --- I just don't know if I have enough courage to tell him to his face. Please --- please, tell me again - how, how am I ever going to get through this?"
I leaned over and kissed her on her cheek. This had to be my hour to shine - I had to show her that I had the strength to inspire confidence and prove to her I was worthy of her love.
"Daphne," I whispered in her ear. "Both of us have spent too long hiding our love, from ourselves, from our families, from our friends and from the world. What we are doing today will change all that. This is a new beginning, not just for you and me, but also for --- for us."
I felt a warm, salty tear steal down her face. I brought my hand up and wiped it away with my fingertips. I wanted to protect her as much as I could.
"Do you want me to go with you when you speak to Donny? You can just wait in here until I finish talking to --- to Mel."
I hadn't meant to gulp before I said Mel's name - but I did. It just happened. Yes, yes it did frighten me - I couldn't hide that fact. I knew how --- how intense Mel could be. Daphne looked up into my eyes.
"We each have our own crosses to bear, don't we?" she asked rhetorically. She paused and then determinedly resumed, "I'm ready to speak to Donny now. I think it would be best if we did it separately and at the same time - quicker that way. You know --- divide and conquer - and all that. "
I smiled at her.
Before I could tell her how brave I thought she was, a knock came at the door. I didn't have to even open the door to know that the person on the end of that sound was my brother.
"Come in, Frasier."
Frasier stepped in and promptly shut the door behind him. He looked back and forth rapidly between the two of us, for all of about thirty seconds, and then said, "I take it the wedding's off for you --- and there is a divorce on the horizon for you?"
He raised his eyebrow as a way of seeking verification.
We didn't say a word - just nodded our heads in mute agreement with his assessment.
"Weeelllll," he said in a rush of air and then laughed as he sprang forward and hugged us. "I just have to say how hap -"
"Frasier, we still have to tell Mel and Donny," I interrupted. "We need your help. And time --- time is of the essence, before too many more people start wondering where the "bride-to-be" is and Mel has the staff drag the koi pond for my body."
A dark cloud passed over his brow.
"Oh -- of course," was all he said.
Within minutes the three of us had devised a course of action. Roz would be recruited to go with Daphne for moral support, while Frasier and Dad would hover around by me --- to pick up the pieces of my mortal remains after I finished talking to Mel.
After some quickly uttered goodbyes and good lucks, we were off with Frasier scouting ahead to minimize the chance of any parking lot confrontations.
I took a last look at Daphne over my shoulder as Roz met up with us and led her off towards the garden area, the location of the most recent "Donny sighting".
She seemed nervous, but resolute.
I sighed.
"Don't worry, Niles," Frasier assured me. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I think the hardest part is already over."
"You really don't know Mel that well, do you?" I quipped, but then quickly added, "I don't have even a whisper of doubt that whatever I have to face will be worth what I gain in the end with Daphne, but I also fear that Mel won't be understanding in the least about this situation --- and --- and I can hardly blame her. I truly feel like a villain when it comes to what I am doing to Mel."
"She'll just have to accept it, Niles," Frasier said supportively.
"But don't you see - neither Mel nor Donny did anything wrong," I argued. "Their only crime is that they loved someone."
I hung my head in shame.
"Just don't take any guff from her, brother," Frasier said with a firm grimace.
Before I could rebuttal his comment, Dad came hobbling up and informed us that someone had told him that Mel was up in my room.
I headed up the stairs, with Frasier and Dad trailing closely behind.
The door loomed in front of me. I swallowed hard, whispered, "I love you, Daphne" and knocked gently on the door as I opened it.
"I --- I understand you were looking for me?"
Mel was standing by the window with her back to me when I came in. My words dangled in the air like those clay pigeon targets in a skeet shoot.
"Where --- where have you been," she sputtered out with exasperation. "And
w-h-y --- why hasn't this --- blasted wedding started yet?"
"Well, the answer to both those questions may be one and the same," I said cryptically. "Mel, I --- I'd like you to sit down, please?"
She gave one last squint out the window at the garden below, perched stiffly on the edge of the bed and focused her "cross-hairs" in my direction with a façade of petulant frostiness.
"Well, what have you got to tell me --- Niles?"
I realized then and there that she knew --- in her heart, she knew.
Oh, she may not of known exactly all the details at that precise moment - I doubt that anyone would have ever been able to guess the entire long tortured history of Daphne and myself - but she had put two and two together and certainly suspected that there was something wrong between her and I and that it somehow was connected with the commotion going on outside our window as we spoke.
I sat down next to her on the bed. I wanted to take her hand, but I knew that once I filled in all the painful particulars, confirming the vague qualms she now felt, very shortly she wouldn't want me touching her.
"Mel, this is difficult for me to say --- but long, long before I met you, I fell in love with someone --- while I was still married to Maris."
I stopped to gather my thoughts - it wasn't easy for me to itemize my failings in such detail - it all sounded so --- so pathetic. I cleared my throat.
"I couldn't --- or rather I never summoned up the courage to tell this woman that I loved her, so we never went any further than friendship for many years. But instead of my feelings disappearing for this woman, they -- - they just grew stronger."
I paused again, waiting for a reaction.
None was forthcoming. Mel's face was a monument to glacial impassiveness.
Her gaze traveled briefly over to the window and then back to me, but any hint of overt emotion was camouflaged behind a solid countenance of stony silence. I could feel my throat constricting, but I plunged ahead anyway - I owed her a proper explanation at least.
"Well, when I was finally divorced from Maris, I thought that I would have a chance to reveal to this woman that I loved her and we would be able to -- - to begin a real relationship. But that wasn't to be, instead I had waited too long and she had finally found another. You --- you have to realize, Mel that I was devastated --- I was a broken man, floundering on the rocks of all my shattered dreams - disconsolate. And then --- then I -- - met you."
I glanced over at her and saw her hand dart up to her eyes, flicking away an errant tear. My soul was filled with pity for her. Always before I was the one on the receiving end of heartache - I knew how destructive it could be to a person's spirit. Now for the first time, I was the one inflicting the injurious blows. I hated myself for the role that I had to play.
"I made a concerted effort to put her out of my mind, tried to deny that I felt anything for her and --- and it worked --- to a degree. I suppressed my feelings for her so well that I sincerely believed I had purged her from my system. I never told you about any of this, well --- because I really didn't think that there was even the slightest chance that things would ever change between her and I. She was gone from my life. I was so sure, so very sure she loved that other man."
I lapsed into silence once more. Mel rose off the bed and walked over to the window again. The wail of an ambulance could be heard in the distance.
Finally she spoke - her voice was ragged and low.
"Was --- was that other man --- Donny?"
"Yes," I simply whispered as I came up close behind her.
"But you were wrong weren't you? You found out that she loved you, after all - not Donny. And you --- you still love her, don't you?"
Now it was my turn to be lost for words. I found myself desperately wishing that my love for Daphne wasn't the weapon that had injured someone so deeply. My mouth opened to respond to her, but no sound came out.
When Mel didn't get an answer, she wheeled around and confronted me.
"Don't you!" her voice rose as she spoke. "D---Daphne is the woman whom you have l-loved all these years --- and --- and now you know --- that she --- she loves you."
"Yes --- yes, Mel, it's true. Can you see that we didn't plan any of this? B-b-but we can't deny our love to each other any more. It wouldn't be right - for us --- or for you or Donny. Please --- please try and understand."
Did she comprehend? Through all the pain, did she see that I was begging her to release me, both emotionally and legally - so I could be with Daphne? I had to know for sure.
"Mel --- Mel, we need to accept that the best thing all round would be if we just got a divorce. I --- I made a mistake, Mel - not --- not in loving you, but in convincing myself that I didn't love Daphne any more. But I do - I do love Daphne and that will never change. I know now that I will never be complete without her. I'm --- I'm sorry that I dragged you into this --- this little psychodrama of mine. You have to believe me when I say that I never would have done this to you on purpose. If I had only known that she felt the same about me --- none of this would have happened. I realize I did a terrible thing to you --- making you pay for my years of idiocy and cowardice and if I could make this easier for you I would, but -- - but you always said that you wanted me to be honest with you. Well, I am trying to be truthful with you, Mel. To continue with our marriage now would just compound my blunder - it wouldn't make it vanish. I need you to --- to let me go --- please?"
Her face contorted into a taut scowl, but she remained silent. I could see that her hands were clamped into tight, tiny balls by her sides, her knuckles turned whiter with each passing second. This lack of communication was unhealthy - if I could just get her to talk about it, maybe her anger would dissipate and we could deal with this in a more rational manner.
"Mel, did you hear what I just said? Say something --- anything."
Her mouth twitched a couple of times and --- and then she just began to --- to shriek. A blasting shockwave of venomous fury just poured out of her for what seemed like an interminable amount of time.
I tried to calm her down, but the effusion of sound coming from her lips drowned my pleas out. Her screaming tantrum caught me off guard - I stood there stunned, immobilized by it, incapable of stopping her and unable to extract myself from its almost mesmerizing-like power.
I didn't even see her hand coming until it was too late. Her palm made contact with my cheek with such a loud crack that it sounded like a starter's pistol. I reeled back slightly from the staggering blow. I could feel the stinging imprint of her ring on my flesh.
"Who are YOU? Who --- who are you that you could do this --- this to - to ME!"
A rainbow of little stars flitted in and out of my range of vision as I looked at her increasingly reddening face.
"You gutless monster! You spineless, pathetic fiend! You --- you cruel --- whoring BASTARD!!"
"Mel -"
"SHUT UP! Don't say another word!"
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. I waited - I felt completely at her mercy, defenseless against any retribution that she might have in store for me. I knew this was the price I had to pay to be absolved of my guilt for hurting her.
When she spoke again her voice had a sharp, flinty sound.
"You've said your piece and now it's my turn. You betrayed me, Niles. I loved you --- I trusted you, I opened myself up to you and this --- this is how you repay me? With duplicity! With treachery! By running off with one of your brother's in-house staff --- a common servant for God's sake!"
I winced. She could say anything she liked about me, but her astringent reference to Daphne cut to the quick.
"I'm leaving immediately, Niles --- and I'm going back to Seattle. I --- I need time --- time to think, about how all of this is going to play out, but you'll be hearing from me very soon - don't you worry! Now, get - out - of - my - WAY!"
She pushed past me and grabbed her suitcase. After flinging her clothes into her overnight bag, she stormed out of the room. There was a humming noise in my ears and my knees began to buckle, so I retreated to a chair before I blacked out completely. Frasier and Dad rushed in and, I'd say by the looks on their faces, it was a safe bet that they fully expected to see my various body parts strewn haphazardly about the room.
"She --- she's gone," I gasped, trying to regain my composure quickly. "I thought it went --- remarkably well, actually."
Dad reached out and grazed his finger across my cheek. The outline of Mel's handprint was still faintly visible.
"Yeah, really well. If it had gone any better --- you wouldn't have your head attached still."
I ignored his sardonic analysis and stood up to greet my anxious brother.
"You were right, Frasier. The worst is over. I think once Mel calms down she --- she and I will be able to handle this like reasonable adults."
"Now, who's the one who doesn't know Mel so well?" he muttered under his breath.
I decided to let that remark go by too. I didn't want them thinking that I was incapable of going through with this. I had to appear in control, above the fray, even if I was absolutely terrified at what Mel had in store for me in the near future. No one must know, not Frasier, not Dad and especially not -
"Daphne!"
I turned promptly around and rushed over to her once I recognized her footsteps.
We fell into each other's arms and I gave her a kiss that made the one on the balcony the night before seem like a --- a polite peck on the cheek. I was so glad to see her I forgot about Frasier and Dad gawking at us, I didn't care one whit about demonstrating any type of restraint or subtlety --- I just wanted her lips on mine, to taste her in my mouth and to feel --- feel loved again.
When we finally broke apart, we were alone.
We sat down and talked, relating our respective ordeals and --- we kissed and then --- then we kissed some more.
I wanted to stay in that room with her for forever!
But reality interceded and before long we had to pack things up and head back to Seattle. When we finally arrived at Frasier's apartment, I was about to ask Daphne if she would like to come with me to the Montana, but before I could bat an eyelash she gave me a demure kiss good-bye, whispered "I'll see you tomorrow," and was out of the car.
Initially I thought it was just that she was mentally and physically exhausted after all that had happened to us and wanted some time to relax. But sitting here now, reflecting on various matters, I realize that she is probably a bit tentative about pushing our newfound relationship ahead too rapidly.
I think I have to be careful about that too.
I have had time - seven very long years to picture what I want when it comes to Daphne. I want to make mad, passionate love to her, carry her over the threshold of the Montana as my bride and raise a family with her. And why not? She is my goddess - my perfect woman and now --- now finally my dreams have become an actuality! For her it is entirely different. This a fresh experience for Daphne. Viewing me through romantic --- and sexual eyes is a whole new occurrence for her. Tomorrow morning when I see her, one of the first things I'll do is reassure her that we can take it slowly if she likes --- I think she would be more comfortable with that approach. Even though I have waited sooooo long for this - I can wait a bit longer. I'll do anything she wants. If she wants it chaste until after my divorce and things are settled with Donny - that's what I'll do. If she wants to remain living at Frasier's for a while - that's fine too. No sacrifice is too great, no request from her lips too unreasonable - just so long as I can be with her, by her side and feel her hand in mine --- kiss her lips and tell her I love her.
That is what is really important for right now.
The rest --- will come all in due time.
Tonight --- tonight I'll stare up at the stars and think of my beautiful, beautiful Daphne and know that I am the luckiest man in the world.
Adieu.
Stay tuned for Part 20 (to be continued)
