Just One Look

By Valma

Part 20 : Dominatrix Reloaded

Daphne's Diary:

Dear Diary,

He called me tonight.

He called --- and I pretended I was sleeping.

I knew it was Niles the second the phone rang, just slightly after 11:30.

But I didn't talk to him - I know I should have, but I just couldn't.

And now here I am trying to figure out why.

I had a feeling that this night was going to turn out badly right from the moment that he cancelled our evening out in order to attend a phony wedding reception for Mel and him.

And to tell you the truth, I wasn't surprised one little bit that he rang me up after he was done playing "The Happy Couple" with Mel - he knew that I wasn't thrilled with the "rain check" on our date. But it wasn't anger that led me to not talk to him. It was something else --- something scarier than me just being in a tearful snit about the rescheduling ---

Martin and Frasier were only home a little while when the call came through. I could hear the good doctor as they came in muttering about "what a fiasco the evening had been" and how it was "just like Mel to try and humiliate someone with an audience looking on". Within minutes Martin headed off towards his bedroom, declaring that he was never going to be roped into attending another event like that even if Niles begged him.

In the dim privacy of my room I couldn't help but feel a little bit vindicated. At least I wasn't alone in my suffering tonight. I guess it is true - misery does like company.

I heard Frasier mutter a "Good night, Dad" and settle in to unwind to the soothing strains of one of his classical CDs and no doubt a glass of some overpriced liqueur.

I was just about to casually trot out and probe him for further details, under the pretext that their arrival had woke me up, when the familiar jangle of the phone stopped me dead in my tracks. I can't quite explain even now what made me decide to spy rather than just keep on going out into the living room.

I paused and held my breath expectantly until I heard the click of the phone being picked up.

Frasier's rumbling voice carried clearly across the apartment, even though he was trying to be quiet. I crept out of my room and took up a position deep in the shadows of the hallway.

"I think she's asleep, Niles. No --- no, I'm pretty sure she wasn't up when we got home."

I bit my lip and slumped down until I was scrunched up in a tight ball on the carpet. I had been careful to clean up any signs of my earlier crying session in the living room when I retreated to my bedroom to sob into my pillow after Simon staggered back to the Winnebago.

"Niles, Niles --- stop! We already explained to her why you had to do it. I'm sure she knows that you didn't really want to go tonight. She loves you Niles - you know she does. Why else would she have left Donny?"

I wiped away a stale tear from my cheek as a fresh one began to form. How could he be so insecure and yet so doggedly determined at the same time?

There were mysterious depths to this man that I'm sure will take years to figure out.

"I know --- I know that kiss was just for show. No --- no, I am definitely not going to mention it to Daphne! Stop worrying, Niles!"

Kiss?

He kissed her?

Of course he kissed her - it was their "wedding reception", after all. What type of a celebration of their nuptials would it be if the groom didn't even kiss the bride? People would talk, right?

And that what was it was all about - it was just a act, put on because Mel had insisted that he pretend to be still happily wedded to her for a couple of weeks so she could bow out of their marriage gracefully without losing any of her precious "social standing" among her crowd. How had Frasier put it? This had to be done to give Mel a little "wiggle room". But even knowing it was a sham, the thought of his lips on hers --- I felt sick.

A shiver swept through me even though I sweating like a pig being roasted over open coals on a spit.

Was this really just a fake kiss done for the benefit of the well-wishers or was it Mel's opening salvo in her threatened war against me? Was she trying to stir up Niles' emotions and lure him back to her?

I leaned forward, sucked in a short breath of air and tried to refocus on what Frasier was saying.

"All right, all right! Just try some deep breathing exercises and I'll go check and see if Daphne is awake. Just give me a moment to turn the music down!"

I sprang up and fled back to my bed, throwing the covers over me just as the door cracked open and a gash of light pierced the darkness of my room.

"Daphne?"

Frasier sighed.

"Daphne --- are you awake?"

I shut my eyes tight, even though I had my back to him. My heart pounded its way into my mouth.

"Just like I thought - she's asleep, Niles," he hissed into the phone receiver as he closed the door with a decisive snap. "Now will you go to bed? You're going to see her tomorrow anyway and you can talk to her then."

I groped for a tissue in the dark, but didn't dare use it until I was sure, by Frasier's retreating footsteps, that he was out of earshot.

What was wrong with me? Was I actually hiding from the man I love? Why didn't I want to talk to him?

I could hear Frasier in the distance as he irritatedly cut his brother off one last time.

"Good night, Niles! And remember, I'm also involved with this debacle!"

Debacle.

The word sat like a stone in the pit of my stomach.

What had he said earlier?

Oh, yes --- fiasco.

I probably would have chosen a different way of saying it, like --- a bloody balls up mess!

Was that what this was turning into?

It certainly seemed that way.

An inventory of the recent calamities seemed to confirm this conclusion.

Bad enough that Simon was still about, getting under Frasier's skin, mooching off of the generosity of the Cranes, hitting on every female no matter what her age, helping himself to anything within arm's reach including the wedding gifts that I had to return --- but that was just the tip of iceberg!

The real trouble started after I found out this morning that Donny was suing me for everything I have --- and more - for breach of contract. He sent the papers over with a bouquet of Stargazer Lilies right around breakfast time.

Such a nice touch!

I threw the flowers in the trash bin, even though they were lovely. I knew Donny would be upset after I called off the wedding but I didn't think we'd end up in court because of it. Now I will have to get a lawyer and God knows how long this sort of thing will drag on!

But that's not all - Donny's also suing Frasier, for something called tortious interference. My brilliant boss managed to talk his way into legal trouble with Donny when he went over to try and convince him to drop my suit. It was his own damn fault really - couldn't keep his big conk out of my business, but then --- on the other hand, I know he was just trying to be nice and help me, so in a way I am really to blame, I guess.

Two lawsuits, a loafer and more trouble than a basketful of ants at a picnic - that's what I brought home from the Wayside Inn with me!

You know, in spite of all that --- I think I could handle it if --- if Niles had been here with me tonight.

But he wasn't.

It --- it was supposed to be our first official date - a fancy dinner and then dancing at the Starlight. It was meant to be our special night together as a couple - a new beginning for us. Niles sounded so sweet and excited when he asked me to go out with him this morning, nervous as all bloody hell after we had agreed to take things slowly and not rush our relationship along.

Instead he --- he cancelled on me.

He spent the night with Mel at some posh country club, talking to her, standing beside her, being with her - kissing her ---.

He apologized for calling off our evening - more than once. He repeatedly told me how sorry he was that we couldn't go on our date and --- and I believe him.

It's just that --- well, it didn't even seem like he put up an argument about it, or even question her about how she just went ahead and made all these plans and simply expected him to jump to her demands.

So I had to spend the night crying in the arms of my "beer-breath" brother!

Oh, I'm not really complaining about Simon's attempts to comfort me - he did the best he could, but I was expecting to be wined and dined by one of the most sophisticated, genteel men I have ever known - the man who convinced me to call off my wedding and take a chance on our love --- not spending it with someone who's idea of going dancing means that you stuff a wad of bills in a stripper's panties!

I needed Niles to be with me - tonight of all nights, especially!

But where was he?

He was with Mel - his wife, instead.

I was so looking forward to being held in his arms, cradled by his love, as we glided across the dance floor. I needed to peer into his deep, blue eyes and see him gaze back at me with that certain adoring look that only he can give. I longed to feel the tingle of his moist breath on the nape of my neck as he whispered my name repeatedly, as if to reassure me that everything was going to work out and I don't have to be afraid.

But I am afraid.

I'm afraid of Donny's lawsuit and embarrassed to have go up against the man I so callously left at the alter.

I'm afraid that I look like a "Jezebel" - the little trollop that tore apart a pair of perfectly happy newlyweds.

I'm afraid of alienating my friends because of all the hassles that are happening since that fateful decision of mine to step into that Winnebago.

But most of all, I'm afraid --- afraid of what Mel might be doing to Niles.

She's pushing all the right buttons with him - not only playing the wounded victim card for all it's worth, because she can see how guilty he feels about hurting her, but also dangling the promise of a "quickie" divorce in his face if he goes along with this bizarre arrangement of hers! She knows fully well the torture that Maris put him through and how he'll agree to almost anything to avoid that again. She went right for his soft underbelly and got him where he was most vulnerable.

The question is just how vulnerable is he?

I know he loves me - I know that for sure. It's --- it's just that Mel is so crafty and Niles is so trusting and --- and if he only sees poor, wounded Mel and wants to do right by her, then --- where does that leave our relationship?

We have to give this romance a chance to grow - we have to get to know each other as lovers now - not acquaintances, not friends - but lovers. And not from a distance either - but up close, with all our faults and differences in full view. How can we do this if he is off with Mel, soothing her ruffled feathers?

No! I've got to stop this!

I'm just worrying about nothing! It was just one cancelled night. He said that it was just delayed and that we would go out tomorrow.

He promised.

First thing in the morning I'm going out and buy that new dress I saw in the display window at Beekman's - the one with the matching wrap. And I'll get my hair done and my nails and - and a facial! I'll feel like a whole new woman!

I should have talked to him - but what's done is done and maybe it was for the best that I didn't. Tomorrow I'll feel better and when I talk to him face-to-face everything will be all right! We'll go out, we'll have a wonderful time and we'll just put Mel and all those other nagging worries aside for a few hours - just Niles and me. Everything will be fine - I know it will!

I hope ---

Goodnight Diary.

My Journey Through Life - Niles Crane

My hands are shaking so hard I can barely hold the pen as I write this.

Daphne and I have only been together for a grand total of two days and our relationship may already be peril.

What if this is it??

Kaput --- finito --- that's all she wrote?

Oh God!! What have I done?

I think I need a scotch.

I am such an idiot! I don't deserve someone like her.

"You know, if you look at it from Mel's point of view, it really does make a lot of sense."

I actually said that!

I actually said that to Daphne - the woman I love!

Like a blind man unraveling his bandages after a cornea operation, the light of lucidity instantly struck me - I had totally misread her mood and made a monumental blunder. But that instantaneous moment of clarity wasn't enough to save me from plunging over the abyss of my own doom.

It was too late - even though I tried to retract what I had uttered.

She angrily pounced on it right of away, of course. And why shouldn't she? She had a perfect right to!

Upon reflection --- it certainly sounded like I was taking Mel's side.

I begged her to let me take it back - to turn back the hands of time and make amends. But she refused. I had said what I had said, and she was holding me accountable for it.

The subsequent events came in a frightful flurry.

Frasier, with his typical egomaniacal flare, managed to interfere and only make matters worse! Daphne lashed out at everyone - including a parting shot at Dad, who remained characteristically mute throughout the whole wrathful admonishment. She stormed off to her room with a decisive slam of her door, after she declared that she might just have a certain amount of regret about not getting married to Donny.

Needless to say her words clamped an immediate throttlehold on my heart.

I had to gather every ounce of fortitude just to keep from collapsing right there in Frasier's living room. It didn't help matters that while I was fighting back an agonizing queasiness that had overtaken my entire body and soul, my loving brother took it upon himself to start with some stupid, narcissistic ranting about me having to apologize to him!

If Dad hadn't been there I might have been tempted to leap upon his back and administer a two-fisted pummeling like I did when we were working on that book together and he decided to taunt me unmercifully, even though he knew I was stressed to my breaking point! As it was, I just spit out an acerbic retort and left in a huff.

He really can be incredibly selfish sometimes!

I'll --- I'll apologize to him for my barbed comments - later.

Right now I have to figure out some way of salvaging the shredded tatters of my life and repair the damage I may have caused.

I know now that I should have been more aware of the emotions that Daphne was feeling. I should have seen the building pressure - Donny's lawsuit, Simon's "tranquility shattering" presence, Frasier's incessant whining about his lawsuit --- and --- and then along I come and add to her encumbrances and keep canceling our night out on the town!

Is it any wonder that she finally exploded when she heard me say that Mel was only being logical when she asked that Daphne and I not be seen in public together until after the divorce? I have very limited options as far as Mel goes. I have to accede to her requests if I want to be free both legally and --- and morally. I do have Mel's assurance that it will be over in a matter of weeks and I have no reason to doubt her. Her edict is small penance to pay for absolution really.

But I should have explained it better to Daphne - I should have elucidated it with more sensitivity!

Only I didn't!

I "blew it" - plain and simple!

I've never seen her so infuriated. She couldn't even look at me before she stomped off to her room - her chilly remark about getting involved with me still hanging like an icicle in the air.

Oh, God!! What if --- what if she doesn't forgive me?

What if --- what if --- Oh, God!

Air.

I've got --- got to get some air!

Have I actually taken the only opportunity I've had in my wretched existence for true love and happiness and catapulted it out of my life? All because of one careless, tactless sentence?

D-d-does she really regret --- regret not marrying Donny?

I can't --- I can't breathe!

I think --- I think I'm going to be sick ---

Addendum:

As I genuflected in front of the wastebasket beside my desk, nauseous from the vapors of my own vomitus, I gradually became aware, even though the buzzing in my ears just about obliterated it, that the phone was ringing. It took me a minute or two to collect myself enough to answer it with the minimal amount of dignity required, but I was actually pleased to find that it was Dad on the other end, asking me if I would like to join him for an evening out at the Natural History Museum.

I know he was just trying to be nice - endeavoring to distract me from wallowing in my misery and panic. I'm certain that was his motivation, because I used to do the same for him - back when he and mom used to have their --- disagreements. Even though they loved each other dearly there were times that they would have titanic squabbles. It would usually end with mom getting out the cleaning paraphernalia and scrubbing the kitchen floor. Dad would know enough that signaled an impasse and retreat to the front stoop to put some distance between the two of them.

Frasier and I would take turns trying to speed up the healing between the warring factions, like junior diplomats at a peace conference. If it was my turn, I would first head for mom, standing in the archway between the kitchen and the living room, just staring at her as she scoured the yellow wax off the garish linoleum tiles. Eventually I'd inquire as to if she needed some assistance and she would invariably glance up, and seeing my anxious countenance, stop long enough to assure me that she was fine and that I should just leave her be for a while. With one last look at my mother purging not only the germs from our environment, but also all her pent up frustrations as well, I knew that my services would be of more benefit elsewhere.

I would find Dad, cigarette dangling from his lips, surrounded in a haze of grayish-blue smoke, slumped in the rocker chair on the porch, starring out at the flickering street light in front of our house. It was strange - for all of my filial fear of my father when I was growing up, the sight of him after having a fight with mom, never failed to bring about anything except an outpouring of complete and unadulterated pity from me. He was always so distraught if he thought mother was angry with him that he was like a shipwrecked sailor floundering on the stormy seas. I however, had cleverly concocted some sure-fire methods to rescue him from his melancholy frame of mind.

I would sit down beside him, struggling to keep my breathing to a minimum as to avoid inhaling the cancerous cloud circling his head, and casually entreat him to aid me with some project that I knew that he excelled at. Sometimes it was practicing catching some sort of ball, sometimes it was fixing something, like one of my musical instruments, or if I was really desperate, I would ask him to tell me about his war experiences in Korea - but always it was something that he was interested in, not me.

That was the key.

Hence, I knew immediately when he suggested the museum that it was for my benefit only - his way of getting me out of my Daphne-induced depression. A repaying of an old debt, for all the times in my youth that I had assisted him out of his desolate disposition when mom was upset with him.

That's my dad - at his fatherly best, when I need his support the most.

And so now I will clean myself up, gargle and go along with him in appreciation of his thoughtfulness, even though I really feel like hiding under the piano or drinking myself into a stupor the entire evening.

I'll do it because --- I know Dad understands.

He fell in love with his perfect woman too. And for men like us it is especially painful when things go awry. We can't really exist without the sustenance of our love's affections. Their smiles make us stronger.

Besides maybe, just maybe, I might run into Daphne when I pick Dad up at Frasier's and be given an opportunity to beseech her forgiveness of me and plead for a reprieve.

It's a shot in the dark, but it gives me something to look forward to at least.

Wish me luck.

Adieu.

Stay tuned for Part 21 (to be continued)