Picking up the pieces of a life you've broken
Stitching it together with the seams wide open
You keep crying, crying, crying
Till you cannot see at all
You keep crying, crying, crying
Till you cannot breathe at all
What do you do when you're alone?
What do you do when no ones home?
What do you do when you're alone?
Outta control now, on your own
Never waking up, the alarm is broken
Running in a dream and its like slow motion
You keep crying, crying, crying
Till you cannot see at all
You keep crying, crying, crying
Till you cannot breathe at all
What do you do when you're alone?
What do you do when no ones home?
What do you do when you're alone?
Outta control now, on your own
Alone…
Alone…
Is there anyone out there?
Is there anyone?
All I need are the details
To find a way out
Is there anyone out there?
Is there anyone?
All I need are the details
And a map of you mind
You keep crying, crying, crying
Till you cannot see at all
You keep crying, crying, crying
Till you cannot breathe at all
What do you do when you're alone?
What do you do when no ones home?
What do you do when you're alone?
Outta control now, on your own
You can't break away from what you cannot change
You can't break away
You can't break away
You can't break away from what you cannot change
You can't break away
You can't break away
Crying- sugarcult
I came out of that… portal thing and Paul tried to talk to me, but I just felt numb. So cold, I felt so many emotions, that I couldn't feel anything at all. The next few weeks were torture. Everything around me reminded me of him. My room, school, Spike, books, god, even my feet reminded me of him. I wanted so badly just to be able to hate him, but I couldn't. I loved him too much.
In the end, I had to thank him, because he taught me the most important lesson I had learned so far in my life- love sucks: It never works out, all it brings in the end is pain, so you had better just get all the pleasure from it you can, then leave before you get hurt. The old Susannah Simon died that day. I grew hard, and cold. I became a user and abuser, just so I wouldn't get used and abused myself.
Sure, I stayed friends with CeeCee and Adam. They were there forever. They were the only people I let my guard down around. I'm not sure of how much they approved of what I did, but they knew not to mess with me. I was still a Kickboxing Queen, and they knew it. Not that I would ever hurt them, I maybe just warned them with empty threats a couple of times, mostly Adam. Well, all of them were directed towards Adam, but you get the point.
Brad got a couple of bruises too. Hey! He was the one who brought up the 'guy I sneaked into my room at night' so he was asking for it just for making the slightest reference to Jesse.
I became a bitch. God, I was a bigger bitch then Kelly and Debbie. I went through guys like tissues. This is a funny way to put it, because in a way, they became like tissues for me. When I was with other people, I almost, almost forgot about him. So, these guys stemmed my tears, like a tissue.
New guys came and went. I had a speech. I knew the timing behind everything. When that good feeling of being with somebody new wore off, they had to go. I never got a reputation because I made it clear to every guy who came close to me they weren't getting any. Nope, they weren't getting close enough mentally for me to open up like that. I went through most of the guys in my school. But there was one I would never touch, not even with a pole as long as that row of doors in the shadowland. He did this all. He made me feel like crap. He brought this pain. He brought my suffering. I hope to god or whoever the big guy up there is that he hurt like hell too.
And it takes more time
Than I've ever had
Drains the life from me
Makes me want to forget
As young as I was
I felt older back then
More disciplined
Stronger and certain
But I was scared to death of eternity
I was saved by grace
But destroyed by naivety
And I lied
To myself
And said it was for the best
And now faith is replaced
With a logic so cold
I've disregarded what I was
Now that I'm older
And I know much more
Than I did back then
But the more I learn
The more I can't understand
And I've become content
With this life that I lead
Where I drink too much
And don't believe
In much of anything
And I lie to myself
And say it's for the best
Were moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And were waiting on something
That'll never come
"It's for the best" – Straylight Run
why? (Why does that question always seem to pop up whenever Susannah and I part ways?)
That was the question that kept running through my head after they left. Why did I tell her to go? Why did she leave? Why didn't I try to stop this all? Why didn't I go with them?
It had been years since I had seen my Querida. I missed her so much.
One day, a traveling bruja came through our town. Everyone claimed that she could see into the future. I decided I could try, if it worked, it worked, if it didn't……
When I got to her stall, it was completely empty. "Aaaahhh. I have been waiting for you. Come, come, look."
" Sorry, I do not think that we have met, señorita …"
"Zara."
"Señorita Zara. I do not think that we have met before."
"You do not know who I am, but I know who you are, and who you are coming to ask me about. Do you not want to see her?" I was amazed, did she really know about Susannah? Or was she just playing some cruel game? "Come, come look…" she took out what had to have been some sort of crystal ball, and I looked in at the picture inside it.
It was Susannah, she looked so beautiful, but so sad. I saw her, crying for days. Crying her heart out. Then, I saw her with her friends, with… boys. She looked happy, but when she was alone, she cried and cried. I didn't want to see this. I didn't want to see her so sad. Why had I come?
That same question… Why?
Suze
Tonight I was going out with the "flame" of the moment. Mike Stone. You could tell by the name he's not the most stimulating company in the world, but he was sweet. Which is kinda sad, because I was breaking up with him.
I am such a bitch.
And I love it. Seriously, someone should buy me one of those lame key-chains that say "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing." I've so earned it.
So tonight, I don't know what the plans were, but I knew it wasn't going to end well. So, I just went with a good breaking up outfit; one so that his last memories aren't how I dumped him, but how good I looked while dumping him. So he'll always remember what he lost. Heh. Cute make-my-butt-look-good jeans, really cute heels that make my legs look even longer, and my red lingerie tank.
I'm so bad.
You know, I kinda wish Paul would see me tonight. See the bitch he turned me into. Make him wish to god he could go back in time and fix everything.
Oh wait, he can. So why the hell is everything still so completely fucked up? Maybe it's because we're talking about Paul, he prances around with glee when things get fucked up. That's what he's here for.
Not to prance. No, definitely not to prance. To fuck things up.
Ooh. The doorbell. Showtime.
I came downstairs, and saw Andy talking to Mike. On my way over, Dopey called me a bitch. It wasn't the comment that made me punch him; it was the fact that I could just hear Jesse in my head, telling Dopey about how you "shouldn't use such vulgar language in front of a lady." THAT'S what made me punch Dopey. It always comes down to Jesse. And now, I was dreading my date, because I could just imagine Jesse's disappointment in me.
I walked over to Mike and gave him a peck on the cheek. I grabbed his hand and we walked over to his car. "So. Where're we going?"
"I thought we could go down to the carnival by the pier."
"Yeah, sure, that's cool."
So we get in the car, and start to drive towards the pier. I have to say, I do appreciate his choice of music. Very fitting, most of it Cali rock. That's good. Sad, because I would've loved to burn some of his CDs.
Make COPIES, people. COPIES!
"Lonely Day" by Phantom Planet is on, and it suits the situation so well. (A/N: listening to that song right now. Teehee! sigh I heart Phantom Planet….) It makes me so sad. I wish I didn't have to end this, just because I'm not feeling up to it right now, but I know I have to.
We just drove up to the pier, and I'm not really in a very fun, carnival-y mood. But, if making Mike happy will make this all easier, I'm willing. There's not really anything here that I wouldn't want to do on a regular day. I guess a rush of adrenaline will get me going. So, let me just find the fastest roller coaster here….
"Hey, Mike. Wanna go one that one?" 'That one' was the biggest, fastest, scariest, most intestine emptying roller coaster I have ever seen. Sounds like fun. A HELL of a lot of fun.
Mike looked a little scared but said "Yeah, I guess" in the end. Score.
The lone isn't that long, so I guess that means it scares the shit out of everyone else here. Bonus! I make mike get into the front car with me. I love the front cars, because you can see everything coming right at you. Also, kind of because we were the only people on the ride and I didn't want to look stupid. Oh well…
This ride kicks ASS! We have to be going at least 90 mph (A/N: Personally, I hate roller coasters, so I don't know what's fast in coaster standards, but, bear with me) and I'm loving every minute of it!
Ok, so we got off, but Mike's looking kind of green. So I offer to wait for him while he went into the bathroom Cough topuke cough god, he's a wuss. I look around at the other places to go around here, and I felt this really weird pull towards this weird tent. When I finally make out what the sign says, I go cold. "Psychic." The last time I went to a psychic, she told me all of this bullshit about how I would find my one true love.
"Suze! Where do you wanna go now?" Mike's back, and now I have a reason to leave and forget about the weird tent from hell, but the words just spill out of my mouth.
"Let's go to the psychic." Wait! What? No, no, no, no, no, NO! I do not want to go to the psychic, but Mikey here thinks it's a great idea. So he just grabs my hand and starts pulling me towards that tent and I just want to dig my heels into the ground, but I don't want to ruin my shoes and so I just follow him. Dammit! I've started rambling again.
"Here, Suze, you can go in first." And he holds the curtain open for me. It's so dark, I can't see anything, but as my eyes begin to adjust, I hear a voice I never wanted to hear again.
"Hello, dear. Come, come, I've been waiting for you to come." It's Madame Zara, that kook who told me about 'love' the first time.
"What do you want? I don't want to hear what you have to say, I don't care, all you've ever brought me was pain, and I just want to go."
"But, dear, don't you want to see him. See how he has done without you?"
"I don't want to see him without me. Because he is probably very happy, and has 3.5 kids and doesn't even remember me."
"Oh. He remembers you. I assure you that. Just come look." She held out a chair, and what else could I do? I sat. I looked into her little crystal ball thingie, and saw him. He was a little older, probably 30. He wasn't married, I could tell from his lack of ring. But, he was still working on that ranch. One of the horses he was caring for got scared and started kicking and bucking.
"Oh my god! Jesse!" but he couldn't hear me. He got hit in the head, and I could see blood spill as he fell to the ground. Other farm hands came to help, but Jesse didn't get up. He never got up. I felt something wet on my face and realized I was crying. I don't cry. I'm Suze! The unfeeling bitch who doesn't cry, doesn't feel.
I stumbled out the tent, and looked around to see Mike staring at me.
"So, who's Jesse? Huh? What did she tell you?"
"He's just an old friend. She told me he was hurt."
"How can you lie so openly to me, Suze? What's going on? Why can't you tell me?"
"And why can't you trust me? You know what? I don't have to deal with this shit. I'm done, Bye." And I just walked away.
That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be….
I walk home. I can't feel my feet, I just keep on walking. My god, he's dead. I know its 2005, and he should rightly be dead, but it never felt so real. Even when he was a ghost he felt so alive. And now, he's dead.
Monday morning came all too quickly. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to face Paul or Mike. Paul will just laugh at me; Mike will probably say I'm a slut. Fun.
I get to school, and I fall into my seat in homeroom. Adam and CeeCee look at me questioningly, but I don't pay any attention. I've just died all over again, and they expect me to be all 'Hi! How was your weekend? Mine was great. I just saw Jesse, the only guy I've ever loved, get stomped on and killed by a raging horse, but that's ok, I'm completely fine.'? Yeah, not gunna happen…
I walk numbly from class to class. And finally, its lunch time. This is a good, and a bad, thing. Because I get to relax, but CeeCee and Adam wont leave me alone 'til they get some answers.
All around the courtyard where we usually eat, there's an excited chatter. I brush it off as people exchanging weekend stories. You know, how many times they got drunk, how bad their puke smelled, popular people stuff. Gee, I so wish I was part of the in crowd. Not.
Adam plops into the seat next to me, bringing me out of my death plots. "So, Suze, while you are looking mighty fine today- ow, Cee! That hurt!- you seem to be a little upset. Is there anything I can do? You know, back rubs, snuggling, anything to take your mind off whatever it is? OW, Cee, that HURTS!"
"Thanks, Adam, but I don't think you can make me feel better. I think CeeCee is doing better in the 'Cheer up Suze' department."
"That hurts, Suze. You cut me deep. But, I may be able to forgive you if you just- mghmhm." CeeCee had covered his mouth to keep him from telling me how to reconcile myself with him.
"Thanks, Cee. But I kinda don't want to talk about it."
"Yeah, I know, but I just thought you might like to know. Mike's been going around and calling you a 'backstabbing, cheating slut'."
"Thanks, I'll be right back." I found Mike. As usual, he was sitting with my brother, being a Jerk. Brad saw me coming over, with my 'I'm going to kill you' face, and looked pretty scared. Good, maybe he won't screw with my friends and me anymore. Hmm… "So, Mike. I've heard through the grapevine that you've been saying some thing about me to your little friends." Dopey looked relieved that I wasn't here to punch him, and sniggered and told Mike he was 'so dead, dude'. "I take your silence as a yes, and my stepbrothers comment as one, too. So, that leaves only one thing left in our conversation." I was bringing my fist back- I really wanted to make this one hurt- when someone grabbed my arm.
"I'm sorry, but even though I've only been here for a day, I know that fighting isn't a good idea at this school." I know that voice. I know that hand. The one with all the calluses, the ones that feel so rough but are so gentle at the same time. "Don't get a detention because of words, Querida."
DunDunDUN! I think we all know who it is… and we all wish that guy were at our school, too. le sigh
Today is a sad day, because the Pope is dead. And so is Mitch Hedburg. If you've ever read any of my fics, (all two of them, I'm a regular Meg Cabot) you know how much I loved his comedy. If you've never heard him, go buy one of his CD's, if you have listen to him in his honor, because he was a very funny, funny man.
Well, please review, although I won't beg and plead, because if you really wanted to review, you would. Although reviews make me happy, and when I'm happy, my fingers move faster…
