Hey guys, sorry about the last depressing chapter tugs shirt collar guiltily. But I can promise you there's always a silver lining to this cloud. The chapters actually kinda depressing...
Anyway... let's answer reviews before you guys come at me with pitchforks...
Kumiko Katawa: Ah well there's always someone to help her cheer up... i think taps nose knowingly So anyway i guess you'll find out the answer to all of your questions soon P.
DoubleKK: Thankyou, you know what is sad, i'm better at writing sad stories than happy ones... it's my curse. Well the story actually does have an endingish thing though, but not for a while.
Rachelly: Aww sorry hangs head in shame, but i will try to redeem myself...ish.
22. The Ghost of you
Karen sat up in bed quickly, hoping that it had all been a dream, that Matty wasn't leaving her. She glanced at the clock, he would be leaving in... three hours, was that right? Only three hours left of him being on the same island as her. She had told him on their last night together that she couldn't be at the dock when they said goodbye. She knew that she couldn't watch him sail away like she had Jack because if she watched, then he would truly be gone.
He had begged her to be there, told her she would regret it. He was probably right, she most likely would regret it, but it would be less painful. She managed to roll out of bed and take a quick shower, letting the warm water soothe and cleanse her. It washed away her salty tears and calmed her briefly. Then she brushed and dried her hair and got ready for the long day ahead. She stepped out into the street, noting that Rick had already left to be at the dock. Only two hours left. She spotted Ann running towards her and stood watching dumbly.
"Karen, please come." Ann begged. Karen frowned, not another person begging her to be there.
"Sorry Ann I can't, it'll remind me too much of Jack." She said, refusing to listen to reason.
"Matty's not Jack. He's not going to die, he'll be back. But if you don't come you'll regret this." Ann said, her sky blue eyes pleading.
"I'm sorry, but I can't say goodbye." She said flatly.
"Karen, you have to say goodbye. You can't let him go without telling him goodbye, you'll hate yourself if you do." Ann said, trying once again to get through to her friend.
"I'm not strong enough. I just can't... I'll just break down again." She said. She couldn't allow herself to break down, because she knew once she was broken, no one except Matty could fix her.
"Karen, you're a stupid, spoilt brat!" Ann said angrily and she headed off to the beach. "Great," Karen thought sarcastically. "That's the best way to make me feel better." She watched Ann disappear until only her bright gingery hair was visible. She took a walk around town, noting that it was completely empty, everyone else had gone to the dock to see him off. Why couldn't she bring herself to see him off? Maybe it was because she was the closest to him? Well then that was all the more reason to see him off. She knew deep down why she couldn't bring herself to go, it was because she was selfish.
She glanced at her watch, only half an hour left. She walked around the town once more, fifteen minutes. What if she did really regret going? What if he always hated her for not saying goodbye? She couldn't let his last memory of her being her refusing to say goodbye. She glanced at her watch again even though she knew the time. If she ran she could probably get there in time. She sprinted through the town, wondering if she had ever ran so fast in her life. She reached the square and hurried down the steps to the beach. She spotted the boat beginning to reach the dock and sprinted breathlessly towards it, dodging people as she ran.
"Matty!" She screamed at him, trying to get his attention. She saw him turn around with relief. "Matty, I'm sorry, I'll miss you. I love you!"
"Don't worry, I'll miss you too. I love you too!" He yelled back, barely audible over the roar of the sea waves. She smiled with relief and waved at him, watching the tiny dot wave back. She then watched the boat disappear into the distance, just like she had known, she couldn't take it. She collapsed onto the beach in a fit of tears and saw everyone run toward her from the corner of her eye.
"Matty!" She screamed, crying into the sand. It was just like when Jack had been gone, gone forever, never to return again.
"Why does everyone leave me?" She asked no one in particular. Ann and Popuri bent down next to her, both putting a hand on one shoulder.
"They don't, we're still here." Ann told her.
"And we always will be." Popuri said. They sat in that position for a long time, long after the rest of the crowd had dispersed, the friends sat mourning their loss.
The first few days were just bearable, Karen got through them by forgetting Matty was gone. But as soon as she realised she broke down once again. Her first attempt to distract herself was to repaint the farm house, a relaxing light blue with a pale lavender ceiling. Then she tried spending more time with her family, hoping that perhaps getting closer to the people who were still with her would help her get over those who were not. To no avail, she found that no one had time to sit and chat, even though they could tell she was just barely hanging on. She was finding it hard not to just give up, to hold her hands up and say "let me quit". She wanted to just go to sleep one night and not wake up the next morning, but every morning without fail she woke up.
She would mope around the house most of the time, with Rick using her sadness to get closer to her. That was exactly how he had got closer to her before. The sad thing was, that she was letting him. She was repulsed by him in every sense of the word and yet when he kissed her she didn't stop him. She just wanted to feel something, anything so that she didn't let go. Rick knew he was being used, but he didn't care, he just wanted her. Over and over again she made him repeat how much he loved her and that he would never leave her, not like Jack, not like Matty.
"You can't do this to yourself, you can't do that to him." Ann informed her when Karen told her what was happening. She knew her friend was right, but she really didn't care anymore. But steadily even Ann and Popuri wouldn't listen to her. Partly because they were busy with their own lives and partly because they couldn't take how she was. They didn't like her when she wasn't all supportive and happy, so they avoided her. Rick was the only one there for her, and she hated him, she hated him so much.
She sat on her bed staring into space, only slightly aware of Rick walking into the room with a cup of tea for her.
"Get out." She said coldly. He didn't, he never did. He just placed the cup by her bedside and then sat down next to her. No matter how much abuse she gave him, he still stayed like a puppy so loyal that even when his master spurned him he came back for more. Karen hated herself for abusing him, but she hated him more for taking it.
"Why do you keep coming back?" She asked him crying. Rick shrugged, he had no answer except that he loved her.
"I love you..." He told her with a shrug.
"Why?" She asked helplessly, she wanted him to stop loving her. She wanted him to hate her like everyone else.
"Because you're beautiful and amazing and special." He said kissing her on the cheek.
"I'm not Rick. I keep hurting you and you keep forgiving me and loving me, why?" She asked him desperately.
"You did the same for me once. When we were first married I abused you and hurt you and you forgave me and kept loving me." He said softly.
"No I didn't. I hated you, I wanted you dead, I was repulsed by you. I still am." She told him, she didn't care about hurting his feelings anymore. She saw the hurt in his eyes and felt a slight twinge of guilt.
"And I love you all the more." He admitted pathetically. He knew how much she was abusing him, but it was worth it just to have her.
"I wish you wouldn't, I wish you'd hate me."
"I know you do." He said stroking her back again. He brushed a kiss against her lips and continued kissing her, although he got no response back. He leaned away and handed her the tea.
"Drink this and dry your eyes Karen." He told her. She obeyed mindlessly, she didn't even notice she was doing it. "Do you want to go to bed now?"
"No." She said, curling up in bed and falling asleep almost immediately.
"Goodnight." Rick said sadly before heading out. Lillia walked out of her room and gave Rick a hug, she rarely left her room anymore, only for meals. Karen almost never saw her anymore, she didn't even make the effort.
"How is she?" Lillia asked, concern etched upon her pale features. Rick looked at her, dark bags under his eyes, he couldn't take Karen's poisonous hate.
"She doesn't love me and yet she lets me love her. Which is more than before." He said, hurt flickering in his grey eyes.
"She's still so hurt, I don't know if she'll get better Rick. Sometimes it's best just to walk away." Lillia said kindly. She didn't mean to hurt Karen by asking her son to leave her, but she knew it would be best for both of them.
"What if I can't walk away?" He said softly, looking at the doorway. "What if I can't let go?"
"It'd be hard sweetie, but I think it would be best for both of you." Lillia said gently.
"No it wouldn't! She's crying that everyone she loves leaves her, if I leave her then she'll be worse! I promised her that I wouldn't leave her." He said passionately.
"You're only hurting her Rick. She may be upset about everyone leaving her, but she doesn't love you and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like using you." Lillia told him, worried for her son and her daughter-in-law.
"I'm hers to use. If she wants to use me that's fine." He said quietly. Lillia looked at him with worry and sadness in her eyes.
"Then you're only hurting her too." Lillia said softly. Rick sighed and slid into an armchair looking thoughtfully into the dancing flames of the fire. He asked himself what his father would have done, that was easy he would have left. He left them anyway, he didn't need the excuse of hurting their mother.
"I've made up my mind, I'm not leaving her." He told his mother determinedly. A looks of pain passed across Lillia's face, but she sighed, there was nothing she could do.
Karen looked around, wondering where the hell she was. She was in a strange white place, with white walls, white everywhere. She was about to panic when she realised that she was dreaming. She relaxed slightly and glanced around some more. She became dimly aware that someone was watching her and she turned around to see a strange pale figure.
"Who are you?" She asked, not with fear but as a casual question.
"You know." The pale, almost translucent figure told her. It had long flowing hair and was almost completely see-through. It was wearing a long, flowing robe that was ripped in some places.
"I wouldn't ask if I knew." She said indignantly. The figure smiled slightly and touched Karen's arm, immediately she felt comforted.
"I am an angel." The figure said gently, it's silvery skin shining in her eyes.
"Oh right, am I dead?" Karen asked as her first instinct.
"Do you want to be?" The angel asked gently. Karen shrugged, observing the angel nervously.
"Do I get a choice?" She asked softly, not caring much either way.
"Everyone has a choice. Do you want to live?" It asked again. She thought for a moment and then shook her head.
"No. Not really, not without him." She said, not really referring to either Jack or Matty but both.
"Well I can't help you die, but you can do it." The creature said, a slightly mischievous glint in its eye.
"I can?" She asked innocently. The creature smirked evilly, immediately turning a slightly grey colour.
"Yes, it's easy. Just take a knife or a rope and..." The creature made a gesture, running its ghostly finger across its throat. She immediately gasped, this "angel" couldn't be suggesting what she thought it was suggesting, could it?
"You mean, kill myself?" She asked dumbly. The creature chuckled.
"Bingo." It said gleefully. Karen shook her head quickly.
"No, Carter says it's wrong." She told the creature, folding her arms over her chest. The creature looked angry for a moment, then it relaxed its features returning to a peaceful look.
"Trust me child. There have been times when he himself has considered it."
"It's wrong!" Karen shouted, pearly tears trickling down her cheeks.
"Don't tell me you don't want it. Don't tell me you don't crave it with your entire being. Don't tell me you haven't woken up and wished that you were dead, because I wouldn't be here if you hadn't." The creature said maliciously.
"I have... but I would never kill myself." She told it firmly.
"No?" The creature asked, a sly grin appearing on its face. "What about when he died, didn't you try then?"
"Maybe... maybe." She said softly, not knowing why she was saying it.
"It'll be quick and then you'll be with the one you love forever, no more pain, no more suffering, no more hurting those around you. You'll be peaceful forever." It said, its features distorting horribly.
"Peaceful... forever." Karen repeated to herself softly. The words sounded comforting, but couldn't she wait for that.
"Do it." It told her forcefully. Karen nodded gently, noticing only slightly that the walls were turning black.
"Do it." She heard it hiss finally.
Karen woke up with a start, she could feel her flesh prickling uncomfortably after her nightmare. Was it a nightmare or was it a vision? Should she do what it said? She shuddered, it sounded horrible, but maybe her dream was right. She took a sip of water, wetting her dry throat. She then looked over at her clock, it was six am, just about late enough to get up. She prepared for the day ahead with a shower and then headed downstairs for breakfast after dressing.
"Good morning sweetheart." Rick said handing her a plate of toast with jam. "How did you sleep?"
"Not well, I had a nightmare." She said softly. Rick made an "aww" sound and smiled at her gently. He was glad she was opening up to him at least slightly.
"Well it was just a nightmare, so don't worry." He said softly. She nodded, he was right, but what if the dream had been right too.
"I need to go out." She said, abandoning her plate of toast and heading out into the cold. Spring was close to arriving, she could almost smell it on the air. Now would be the time to do it, she found herself thinking, just before new years. She walked into the inn and found Ann and Popuri having a worried conversation. They stopped immediately when she came in, they always did that now.
"Oh, don't stop on my account." Karen said angrily, throwing them both dirty looks. Ann frowned and Popuri pouted.
"See, that's why we stop, because you're always acting like that!" Ann said angrily.
"Well I'm sorry if you can't take it when I'm not Miss Sunshine Happy! Why can't you accept that I'm going through a rough period?" She shouted angrily.
"Because it's not a period, it's been like a decade!" Ann shouted back angrily. "Ever since Jack died, you haven't been Karen! Haven't you seen it happening "Miss Sunshine Happy", we haven't been friends in a long time. We can't just be there for you when you're not there for us!" Ann shouted angrily. Karen looked at Popuri to see if she agreed and the pink haired woman just looked at the ceiling.
"You feel like that too?" She demanded angrily.
"Well Karen... you kinda haven't been the same and yeah, we've been falling apart for a while." Popuri said nervously. Karen felt her world falling apart beneath her, now finally she had lost everyone, everything.
"So... we're not friends anymore?" Karen checked, her eyes shining with pain.
"Not at the moment, but you still have time to repair the damage. Come and talk with us more, be there for us too, our friendship isn't beyond repair." Ann told her.
"And I wish I could repair it. But at the moment I'm struggling to get out of bed at the moment. I'll get back to you." She said coldly before storming out of the inn. She had been going to tell them about the dream, get them to reassure her that suicide was a bad idea, but she couldn't get that from them now. Her parents were always busy so she couldn't go to them, so she went to the last place she could, the church. She arrived at the big oak doors and found them locked, she spotted a note and scowled. She read the note aloud.
"Dear friend, I am taking a short break abroad and will be back in a week or so. Until then, you can pray at home. Lots of Love Carter." She read. She scowled at it, her last hope faded. Her life was such a mess and she had no one to convince her that the dream was wrong. Her life was beyond repair, she had nothing left, no friends, nothing. All she had left was a husband that repulsed her. She looked at the grey sky determinedly, she was going to do it that night. Then they'd be sorry, then they'd wish they had cared. Soon she would be buried in a black casket, right next to Jack's grave, then they'd be together forever. She went for a walk up the mountain and looked at the town, no need to say goodbye to anyone, it was too late for goodbyes.
She stood up there, looking down at the town for hours. She would miss it, if she hadn't messed everything up so badly she could have enjoyed it better. Her life had started out rather well, how had things gone so wrong? Her one shot and she'd blown it. She suddenly recalled a quote she had read a long time ago in the library:
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Soon she would say goodbye to the cruel world she had made her home and then she would be safe beneath the ground forever. The darkness fell upon the town and she smiled at the dark that would be her home forever. She walked down the hill slowly, breathing in her final gasps of fresh air. She walked into the house and checked that no one was there, relieved, she took out the old radio and put it on.
"This songs devoted by Marie Scott for her boyfriend who recently passed away, it's called "ghost of you" and it's by "Good Charlotte"." The radio said. Karen felt like smiling, how appropriate, it had to be a sign that this was right.
"I will wait until the end, when the pendelum will swing back to the darker side of our hearts bleeding.
I will save this empty space next to me like it's a grave, where I lay a place for us to sleep eternally together."
She took out a knife from one of the draws and sliced it against her wrists, savouring the pain with a sick smile.
"I have been searching for traces of what we were.
A ghost of you is all that I have left
it's all that I have left of you to hold.
Awake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all."
She then took out a rope from the tool box, Rick had kept it for capturing chickens. She tied it to a bar that hung across the ceiling and secured it. She tied a noose at the end and it was ready. She looked at it proudly and continued to listen to the song.
"So here I am pacing around this house again
with pictures of us living on these walls
I see my breath in the cold of the air that I breathe and I'm wondering
I'm wondering if it's you that I feel.
If it's you that I feel here haunting me forever
I have been searching for traces of what we were."
She hummed the tune to herself grinning, knowing that soon she would be with Jack forever. She looked at the crimson blood dripping down her arms, covering her clothes. She realised what a state she must look and almost laughed.
"A ghost of you is all that I have left
It's all that I have left of you to hold
Awake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all."
She felt a little faint, she knew she had to do it soon or she would faint before she did it. That couldn't happen, if they caught her with all this blood they would keep an eye on her and she would get her chance. She looked at the suicide notes she'd made earlier, one for her friends, one for Rick and one for her parents. They all pretty much said the same "I love you, I'm sorry, I made too much of a mess of my life. I didn't want to hurt you anymore". Enough to make them feel guilty, but not blame themselves.
"And I'm not looking for anything but us.
Anything but what we were.
And I'm not asking for painted memories
I only want to know you're here"
"A ghost of you is all that I have left
It's all that I have left of you to hold
Awake in the night to find there's no one there but me
And nothing left of what we were at all."
She was almost ready now, the notes were all there and ready. She looked at the blood flowing down her arms freely, there was a puddle on the floor. She found herself almost laughing that she wouldn't be the one to clear it up, it must have been the loss of blood. "I'll be with you soon Jack." She murmured.
"A ghost of you is all that I have left
It's all that I have left of you to hold
Awake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all."
She approached the rope her heart thumping in her chest, she was ready, ready to go. The door burst open and in front of her she saw him, Jack. It had to be the light headedness, it was just an image. The hallucination looked shocked and horrified as it approached her, it was blurred and out of focus. She smiled at it and reached out for it, knowing that her bloodied hands would go right through it. But they didn't. Her hands touched solid warm skin and she gasped, before falling into his arms.
Oooh is Jack back? DUN DUN DUN. Tell ya next time...
