Aura got a pack of cigarettes out of her bag, walked to the sliding glass doors, and went out to the balcony without so much as a glance at the woman on the couch, but Sara's eyes were on her the whole time. Lighting up, Aura leaned against the railing and let the nicotine calm her nerves for her. Through the glass, she watched as Tegan spoke to Sara, undoubtedly telling her that the world wouldn't know by morning what she had walked in on, but she turned away again to let them have their privacy. The three would have little of that left very shortly, and she wanted to enjoy her own last bit of solitude, too. However, the sound of the door told her that it was already over.
"Aura?" Sara's voice was quiet and weak, something Aura had never heard before. Back still to Sara, Aura went to the patio table and put out her cigarette in the ashtray before Sara had even closed the door. "Oh... You didn't...have to."
"You have asthma," Aura stated flatly, drawing shapes in the ash with the blackened end of the butt. Her concern came as a surprise to Sara, even if her tone did not.
"It's not that bad." Sara lifted a shoulder for a slight shrug. "Plus, we're outside. It's fine." Taking Sara at her word, whatever that may be worth to her now, Aura promptly lit another. "I actually kind of expected you to hit me by now, so I can deal with a little smoke." There was no humor in her words.
"I won't say the thought hadn't crossed my mind." Aura turned around to look her in the eye. "But that's not how I work. And you should know that by now." With the pain still fresh, she couldn't help but reference the bond she had thought they built. Sara nodded as Aura took another drag.
"You should know it was me." Sara wiped her cheek as a few tears still trailed down them. "I was the one who...who...it wasn't Tegan. She wouldn't. Couldn't." Aura glanced back inside at her girlfriend observing from the couch, but when she caught her eyes, Tegan looked away. She was pretty sure that Sara was talking about who initiated the kiss she had interrupted, but didn't know how to apply any of what she said to the other questions spinning in her brain.
"We'll talk inside." Aura looked back at Sara. Nodding again, Sara kept her eyes on the ground as she opened the door. "Hey. I don't hate you or anything." Sara paused for a moment before replying.
"You should," she said softly. "I do." Slipping the door closed behind her, Sara didn't leave room for Aura to argue.
"Fuck," Aura said to herself, shaking her head.
Inside, Tegan stood as Sara rushed past to the guest bedroom and slammed the door. Frozen in place, her head flicked between the hallway her sister had fled down and her girlfriend on the other side of the glass. If she could have physically split herself in half to match her emotions, she would have. Pausing for a second on Aura's gaze, Tegan's eyes pleaded for answers to questions her lips couldn't ask. Aura gestured her head in the direction of the hallway, releasing Tegan from making the choice that divided her. With both twins out of sight, Aura finished her cigarette on the balcony before going back to the living room. Immediately upon entering, she heard Tegan.
"Sara. Come on. Let me in." Her ear was pressed to the door, facing away from Aura, as she knocked. The door opened without warning, and Tegan stumbled enough that she couldn't resist as Sara passed her again with a suitcase in tow. Aura saw the bag and flew to the front door, blocking the knob and locking it behind her back.
"No," she said.
"Please move," Sara whispered, eyes fixed on the floor.
"No. You're not leaving." Aura kept her words calm but firm. "I had to stay, so you have to stay. We're going to talk about this."
"I...I can't." Sara shook her head slowly. The motion swirled the thoughts in her mind, ruining her balance and causing her to drop her suitcase. Before she swayed too far, arms wrapped around her, pinning her own down. "I can't!" Sara squirmed in the hold, but it just grew tighter the more she fought against it. Watching the scene unfold, Tegan found herself unable to move again as her sister broke down in Aura's arms. "Why?" Sara sobbed into her shoulder. "Why can't you just hate me?"
"Shhh. We'll talk, but first you have to calm down." Aura loosened her grip to rub Sara's back. Regaining control of her muscles, Tegan cautiously moved closer to the women.
"Sara, please stay." Her arm rose but stopped short of touching Sara. Glancing up to Aura in her hesitation, she received a small nod, and Tegan let her hand join the other two on Sara's back. The feeling of a third hand made Sara flinch. She quickly moved away from both women.
"D-don't." Sara backed up, increasing the distance between herself and her twin.
"Sara, it's okay," Aura said. "Just go sit. Please." Without any other response, Sara slowly went back to her previous spot on the couch. A look from her girlfriend sent Tegan in the same direction, but she sat on the opposite end of the couch. Sighing, Aura grabbed a chair from the dining table and plopped it down across from the empty space between the sisters. Tears were still falling down Sara's face, but they came at a slower rate and with much more steady breathing. Biting her lip, Aura's eyes stayed on Sara as she answered her question. "I can't hate you. You've become one of my closest friends." She took Sara's hand and rubbed the back of it with her thumb. "I don't know how this talk is going to go, but please remember that I care about you."
"How?" Sara spoke so softly that Aura barely heard it. "How can you even look at me right now?"
"Because as long as Tegan meant what she said to me," Aura started.
"Every word!" Tegan interrupted, finding her voice. "I love you, Aura. You said you believe me...please believe me." She clasped Aura's free hand in both of hers as she gently pleaded.
"I do." Aura squeezed the fingers touching her palm without taking her eyes off of Sara. "Sara, I just want to know what's going on. Before I came here, I had a girlfriend, and a friend, too." At the usage of past tense, Sara choked out another sob, but Aura continued. "I need to know if I still have those. And I need to know what's going on to figure that out."
"Are you...are you breaking up with me?" Fresh tears sprung in Tegan's eyes at her words. Aura finally looked at Tegan.
"Are you leaving me for Sara?" she retorted.
"What?" Tegan's eyebrows shot up, and she got back on her knees. "No! I love you. I want to be with you. Please don't leave me. I'm so sorry. Please. I love you." Her words were fast as she begged.
"Then it seems I still have a girlfriend," Aura softened her voice to soothe the woman trembling at her feet. Using the hand still in Tegan's, Aura guided her back to the couch, but made her sit in front of her. With less space between them, Sara pulled her hand away to cover her face and sank toward the arm of the couch. Aura's hand landed on Sara's knee, so she brushed it with her thumb before asking her next question with her eyes shut. "Since...since we started dating...how many times?"
"Just today!" Tegan answered quickly. "That's all. I promise. W-what you saw is it. We didn't...I haven't been..." Aura nodded once and opened her eyes.
"Okay." She chewed her bottom lip, thinking of which question to ask next. "How long? How long have you two..." Aura tilted her head as she trailed off, not knowing enough to word it properly. This was the one that scared Tegan the most. She leaned away from Aura, detaching their hands.
"I...you don't...please don't make me answer that," Tegan spoke quietly, staring at her lap.
"So you have before?" Aura inferred, leaving the last question for later in the conversation. With eyes clamped shut, Tegan bit her lip and carefully nodded. "Are you...even if you don't...do anything...do you think you're going to want to again?" The room was silent. Even the muted sounds from Sara's ragged breathing had stopped as both women on the couch were perfectly still. "I see."
The slamming door caused Tegan to wince as Sara locked herself in the guest bedroom a second time, but she did not move from her spot. Taking a deep breath, Aura put all of the luggage in Tegan's bedroom and locked the door. After getting her phone, she sent a text to Sara to tell her where the bags were and that they would be outside. Taking Tegan's hand, she led her to the balcony. Positioning two chairs next to each other, she sat in one and lit a cigarette. After a moment, Tegan got one for herself and sat down, gaze still on the ground.
"Please, Tegan." Aura reached to wipe the wetness from Tegan's cheek, then gently pulled at her chin to face her. "Talk to me. You say you love me and want to be with me, and I believe you." Tegan's heart raced with hope and fear as the hand left her face.
"I do," she rasped. "So much."
"I love you, too, but like I said, to be with you, I need trust and honesty." Aura took Tegan's empty hand and laced their fingers together. Looking down at their hands, Tegan softly nodded. "So it's happened before?"
"Yes," Tegan whispered.
"But not since we've been together," Aura confirmed.
"Right," Tegan said slightly louder. She wanted nothing more than to erase the day from history, but assuring Aura of her fidelity was the most she could do.
"And you want it to happen in the future?" Aura took a drag, waiting for the response.
"Y-yes," Tegan whimpered.
"Okay," Aura sighed, still wrapping her head around everything that had happened in the last hour. "Thank you for telling me the truth." There was still one thing that hadn't been answered, and she squeezed Tegan's hand. "Are you still not comfortable telling me how long you've been sleeping together?" Tegan whipped her head up.
"How long we've been what?" Her head shook rapidly. "No! We've never...we've never done that." She stood and began pacing as she smoked. "Wait. So this whole time. You thought..." Aura's mouth hung open as she realized her mistake. "Oh my fucking god..."
"Oh shit." Aura grasped Tegan's arm to keep her still. "You've only kissed?" Although she had stopped pacing, she kept shaking her head.
"You thought we...how are you not repulsed by me?" Tegan tried to back away from her girlfriend.
"I've told you I don't care what consenting adults do," Aura said, gripping tighter.
"Yeah, but that was about gay people and homophobia and shit!" Tegan argued. "Not about...you know." The word overloaded her mind but would not escape her lips.
"Sisters?" Aura offered as a substitute for what she knew was meant, hoping it would soften the blow.
"Yeah. That." Tegan turned away because she could not walk away and took a drag of her cigarette. "It's wrong."
"What the hell?" Aura let go of her arm with a small push. "Who the fuck are you? My girlfriend is an activist. The Tegan I know has marched to show the world that love is love. Are you suddenly the exception to the rule that you've fought for since the day you came out?"
"It's wrong," Tegan repeated. "It's different."
"I know you're both adults." Aura stared Tegan in the eye for her next question. "Do I have to ask about consent?"
"God no!" Tegan immediately countered. "Fucking hell. What kind of – "
"Then it's not different," Aura cut her off. "So it's not wrong." Putting out her cigarette, she went to the door. "Okay, you know what? I'm jet-lagged. I'm going to take a nap. You figure your shit out, preferably with Sara. My Tegan wouldn't just let her sister cry alone."
