AN: Hi! The poem quoted at the end is the title of this chapter, and it's by ee cummings. I highly recommend reading it. It's beautiful.
Even in her sleep, Aura could feel herself being watched. Peeking her eyes open, she found herself face to face with Tegan. This wasn't an unfamiliar way to wake up, but usually it was accompanied by a smile rather than a completely blank stare.
"Good morning, creeper" her voice cracked through her grin. "Can I help you?" She raised one eyebrow at the odd way to wake up.
The expression on Tegan's face barely changed at all, but it faltered enough to tell Aura what she needed to know. Regardless of what did or didn't happen after she went to bed last night, she knew that Tegan was going to want to talk about it.
"It's okay," Aura smiled. She gave a soft peck to Tegan's forehead, their typical way to kiss before brushing their teeth in the morning. Tegan's face faltered again, slightly more, and had a touch of a pleading look behind her eyes. "If you want to give me a report, that's okay. I told you I don't require one, but it's okay if you want to give one."
"We made out. Like teenagers. Full on made out. She was on top of me. I felt her up. Then we stopped. But we made out," Tegan said in one breath.
Aura blinked her eyes wide, trying to force her brain to translate the fast words into a language she knew, before they seemed to squint closed on their own.
"Okay," she replied. "Can I do the coffee?"
Tegan nodded quickly and sat up, reaching for the mug she had already prepared on her nightstand. Aura just blinked the one eye she was able to keep open, then switched to the other being the only one open. Slowly, she sat up, both careful to not knock Tegan and spill the coffee, but also because she was not ready to be conscious yet. Once she trusted her ability to stay vertical, she accepted the warm mug, cradling it in her hands and breathing in the scent.
"Mmm," she hummed with her first sip. "Thank you." Aura watched Tegan watch her drink the coffee, blank stare back in place. "Is there more?" To this, Tegan gazed around the room and slowly shrugged her shoulders. "You're going to have to help me out here until this coffee does its thing. What's up, Tee?"
"I don't... I feel..." Tegan didn't know how to put her thoughts into words. She actually did, but she was fighting a lot of cognitive dissonance regarding them. "I feel...okay? But that's weird. It was...more...but I feel less...bad. It doesn't make sense," she rambled.
Aura just nodded and listened. This was part of Tegan's process, so she didn't want to interrupt. She had fresh coffee, and that's all she needed for the moment. Tegan could take her time.
"We never did...that. We had rules," Tegan continued thinking out loud, looking everywhere but at her partner. Aura took note to ask about these 'rules' later. "We were drunk. Am I excusing it because we were drunk? We've been drunk. Hell, we've been high. That never happened. But I don't feel...the same...like it always has."
Aura also took note of Tegan's confession about being high. That at least partially answered one of her hanging questions, because she knew that Tegan hadn't used any drug that could make her high since she was in high school. This had been a nearly lifelong struggle.
"But...you," Tegan finally looked back at Aura. "You keep saying it's okay. You're okay. How are you okay?"
"I am okay," Aura answered the signal that it was finally her turn. "I'm okay as long as we're okay. Not that I expected all this, but it's easy to see that you two have...something different. Something special. I've known twins before, but...like Sara's said, you two are soulmates. And I can see that. I accept that. I love that."
"We're...obvious?" Tegan whispered with fear in her eyes.
"No, no, no, sorry," Aura quickly corrected. "I never would have guessed, and no one else would either. I promise. Not obvious like that." Tegan seemed a bit relieved, so she continued. "But just, you're...bonded in a way most people, even other twins, could never be. You two talk openly about it, and others tell you. That's the part I mean, the part that is seen. And it's, like...it's beautiful. If this is part of that, then...it just...is." Aura finished with a small shrug.
Tegan's eyes looked down and flicked left to right as though she were reading quickly. Her fingers were fidgeting with each other, so Aura put her mug on the side table and took her hands. Bringing each to her face, she kissed the back of Tegan's hands to calm and focus her.
"I don't plan on ever understanding fully, and honestly I don't know if you guys even do," Aura said, and Tegan shook her head slightly at the last part. "So as long as this isn't just an excuse to pick up random chicks," Tegan shook her head more forcefully and almost interjected before Aura continued, "at like one in the morning and take them to Walmart," she teased with a grin.
Tegan squinted her eyes but smiled back and stuck her tongue out. Aura knew just how to get her out of her own head, and she loved it.
"As I recall, you were the one who took me to Walmart," Tegan teased.
"Only because you still can't drive!" Aura shot back with a giggle.
"Hey! I can drive. I've even driven your car," Tegan laughed as Aura rolled her eyes, still grinning.
"So, you're okay, just weirded out that you're okay?" Aura brought it back to the topic at hand. From experience, she knew that if they didn't, then Tegan would feel anxious later about it being unresolved.
"...Yeah. I think so." Tegan bit her bottom lip.
"Think you can deal with that, at least for now?" This was Aura's way of checking in. Even if Tegan said yes, how she responded would show her true feelings.
"...Yeah," Tegan nodded slowly, repeating herself. "I think so." Her tone and body language did not betray her words, so Aura moved on for now.
"Was Sara up when you made the coffee?" she asked. Tegan just shook her head. "Okay. You, me, or both of us?"
"Can you?" Tegan's voice was small with the question. From past experience, she assumed she had a pretty good idea of how things would go if she talked to Sara alone, and she wanted to avoid certain parts of history repeating itself, particularly the angry and sad parts.
Aura nodded, gave Tegan a quick kiss on the forehead, and left the room with her empty mug. Seeing Sara sitting at the dining table, nursing her own coffee, Aura refilled her mug, sat down next to her, and held up her hand with the palm facing Sara. They had started a small inside joke with Sara's occasional dates where they would high five if Sara and the woman had at least kissed. It hadn't been born as purely sexual, as Sara was far from taking home random women from bars, but rather as a way to redirect Sara's thoughts from her loneliness over the failed romantic connections.
Sara stared at the hand for a moment, then closed her eyes and shook her head with a short chuckle, softly returning the high five. Aura grinned, happy that her attempt had worked.
"So, uh, weirded out that you're okay?" Aura asked.
"Is that where Tegan ended up?" Sara knew, probably better than anyone, all about her sister's vocal processing.
"Yeah. That about sums it up," Aura nodded.
Sara nodded and bit her lip. She was more like Aura in needing to think about things on her own first, but the sentiment shared by Tegan seemed to fit.
Aura saw movement out of the corner of her eye and noticed Tegan standing in the doorway with a nervous look on her face. With a small nod from Aura, Tegan cautiously entered to make herself some tea. With the water set to boil, she turned back to the table. Aura had moved over to the next seat, opening up the chair between her and Sara.
"Why do you keep doing that?" Tegan asked.
"Doing what?" Aura responded with a look of complete innocence and naivety, sipping her coffee.
"Well, we have to go in for some meetings today," Tegan said, opting to just lean against the counter and ignore Aura's plans. "Will you be okay on your own?"
"Of course," Aura smiled and shrugged. "I figured you would have to work this week. I'll probably just tidy up. Maybe grab a few groceries."
And she did. After the twins headed out, Aura cleaned up the small messes that were left behind over the last couple days of heavy emotions. Beer bottles were rinsed and in the recycling bin, the trash was taken to the dumpster, and the clean dishes were put away. It was past lunchtime, so she swung by the small grocery store a couple blocks away, thankful to have keys to the apartment now. She got a few essentials Tegan was low on and a quick meal for herself, which she ate while watching Netflix. The time alone allowed Aura's mind wander. While she preferred to process things on her own, the involuntarily drift of her thoughts was only bringing her back to her anxieties and insecurities.
It was close to dinnertime when Tegan and Sara got back. Noticing the tidy but seemingly empty apartment, they assumed Aura was napping and remained quiet. Tegan confirmed her bedroom door was closed, so she silently turned the knob and peeked in. Aura was lying on the bed with her back to the door, curled up and hugging her knees. Tegan closed the door behind her and crept over to wake her up gingerly.
As soon as her hand touched Aura's shoulder, it flinched. The smallest sniffle told Tegan that she had assumed wrongly, and she would have kicked her own ass if she were able. The entire time since Aura had arrived had been spent with her nearly as their therapist, not her girlfriend and Sara's friend. Tegan knew of Aura's past and that this whole situation likely triggered every one of her doubts and worries. Aura had requested reassurance multiple times, and Tegan knew she hadn't been focused on giving it enough.
"Oh, my love," Tegan whispered gently, using the pet name reserved for private moments. Her fingertips softly touched Aura's shoulder again to test the waters. With no flinch this time, she cautiously laid down, curling up to Aura's back and wrapping her in her arms. She placed a kiss the back of Aura's neck. Slowly, Aura's legs moved down to tangle with Tegan's, and her arms covered the ones around her, weaving their fingers together.
Tegan quietly hummed 'Sunshine' into Aura's hair, stroking her thumbs with her own. After a while, Aura's breathing evened out. Tegan again thought that she might have fallen asleep until Aura turned around in her arms, pushing her face into Tegan's chest and holding her tightly. Still humming, Tegan caressed her back.
"Thank you." Aura's words were so faint that Tegan would have thought she made it up if she hadn't felt the lips moving on her skin.
"Of course, my love. Of course," Tegan soothed. "I'm sorry I've been distracted when you needed me."
"It's okay," Aura whispered.
Tegan shook her head slightly, cupping Aura's chin in one hand to bring them face to face. The red, puffy eyes were dry, but they still held a deep sadness behind them. Moments like this always disconcerted Tegan – her usually rational and sensible partner feeling such pain so profoundly, all because her logic somehow substantiated the nonsense of a small handful of exes. And Tegan felt like she had now contributed to the validation of that nonsense.
"It's not okay," Tegan said, kissing her forehead before looking her back in the eyes. "You can say you understand. Maybe, hopefully, that you forgive me. Anything like that. But it's not okay." Her thumb grazed Aura's cheek, and she softly shook her head again. "I still can't believe you're real sometimes, and this weekend just made that feeling, like, explode. 'I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart', my love."
Aura's eyes became wet again, but it was not heartache behind them. A small smile came to her lips at the quote; she had mentioned it once months ago as her favorite love poem, and Tegan must have remembered.
"I understand, and I forgive you," Aura took Tegan's words. "'For beautiful you are my world, my true'," she quoted back.
