A/N - shouldn't have started something new, but it was too funny to not post.

Chapter 1

I really, really want to talk about it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, propping half my bum on his extra-large, important hokage desk full of paperwork. The man looked almost buried in papers and scrolls. The piles close to him looked ready to topple over.

Itachi glanced up from his work, black pen on the tips of his lips, his deep thought now broken. Woops.

"Shisui," he said, "Do me a favor and shut up." He returned to his paperwork as if nothing was amiss. As if nothing happened last night. As if he'd gotten a full night's rest, unlike myself who'd lain awake for hours. Well, he'd probably been pretty spent; perhaps he had gotten a full night's rest.

I lean a bit, dropping a hand on a small cleared area of walnut so I can lean closer and into his face. I peep at the paperwork. Boring ambassador reports from Sound. Nothing that important. He could use the break. I lean in more, just enough to get inside his shinobi bubble. The goosebumps on his arm rise at proximity. "Am I allowed to be curious?"

Honestly, he should be happy I wasn't ripping the scroll from his hand and demanding information.

"Shisui," his voice lowered into a warning growl, but his long hair was pulled back into his typical high knotted bun when doing intense paperwork, his ears showing. The tops of which were tinted pink. He attempted to go back to his paperwork, shoving the document aside to get a new one. However, the blush on his cheeks settled in and it was obvious exactly what his mind was replaying and it wasn't ambassador reports. Adorable, well, the look anyway.

I lower my voice too, much more suggestively. "How long has our great and mighty hokage been fucking the terrifying bitch and proctor of Chunin Exams."

The pen in Itachi's hand snapped and cracked, sharingan activating. He raised his head to glare.

"Well?" I prod for more info, "Forgive the intrusion, but that was quite the 'on' switch that I didn't even know existed in your arsenal. I thought you were asexual at least until yesterday and I'm your bestfriend. " It was quite a surprise for all of us, but I recovered ok. They went right back to it afterwards, so I assumed all went well on the home front. Now I just wanted details on how this even happened on my watch. I hadn't a clue.

The light blush on the ears was turning crimson. Awww.

"You were both just," I smack my free hand against the hollow sides of the desk, almost mimicking the noise audible from the ANBU locker room, but not quite. The fucking had been against solid wood not hallow, so it was pitched a bit different. It also was missing some wet sounds, moans, begging and cursing. But I had to make do with what I had; good thing I excelled at improv. "Going at it." I thump again starting a driving rhythm. "I've never personally done it that way but–" thump.

His sharingan started spinning.

I shut my mouth, sat up straight and raised my hands. "Come on. You've never looked twice at anyone and now you're performing sadist acts upon your elite shinobi. I just wanna know," I leaned back in, "is there a roster sheet to sign up?"

I leaned away quickly, attempting to judge his reaction, ready to high-tail it out of there. But his movements were slow and methodical. I still had some wiggle room to play.

"Shisui," Itachi placed the snapped pieces of pen down gently. Because Itachi was the epitome of gentleness, at least that is what I thought. However, with Anko, that had been rough. Harsh and rough.

Hell. At this point, my younger cousin was probably more experienced than me. Wasn't that weird thought. I'd what… seduced four on ANBU missions and that was it, nothing eccentric or requiring red ropes like I'd observed from the window vantage point. Everyone here in the village thought I was some player after Hana, which alright, I could be word flirty but not a touchy one. A brush on the cheek, a light kiss, a chaste goodbye hug, that was my arsenal. Even Hana and I had been fumbly at seventeen and since her, just my mission work. My experience in the actual bedroom was minimal. I was a good, innocent, little Uchiha; to the chagrin of my mother who never ceased to remind me of her want of grandchildren. Itachi, on the other hand, who would have thought he would be the black sheep. That hadn't even looked comfortable. At least not from Anko's position.

I swing a foot. Thump, thump, thump. "How does one get alone time with the hokage nowadays? I just wanna have my drinking buddy back."

Itachi leaned away and crossed his hands over his chest. Face fully flushed, almost the same color as his spinning eyes. "I'm going to say this once, just once. If you bring this up again, I'll send you on a two-year long mission and forget to recall you home."

"Where?" I couldn't help but be curious, "Depends on where. I like Wave, they've some nice ramen spots."

"Sand," he replied dryly.

"Oof, it's so hot there. You know I don't like the heat. That's low Itachi, low and rough. But not as rough as -"

"Shisui," his teeth flashed white under his snarling lips.

Ok, that might have been a bit too far. One could only push Itachi so much, but goodness did he look so cute all flustered and embarrassed. Time to get to the real point of this conversation and fast.

"All I'm trying to say is if you've time for a quick fuck," although maybe not so quick there had been some intricate knot work, "you've time for a quick drink. Come on, I'm not asking for much. One beer."

Nothing, not even a twitch or a smile.

I switched tactics and attempted to pout, "I get lonely. I need attention."

He sharingan deactivated and he rolled his eyes. "No, I've paperwork to finish. Get the hell out before I throw you out. Find a new drinking buddy."

"But-"

"Get. Out."

And those were the words and circumstances that got me married.

Ok, honestly, I could have skipped this portion, but if I've learned one thing it's this: People listen more when I've something to say about Itachi than about me. You think I'm kidding, you've only decided to listen because I said kinky Itachi, didn't you? Hah, the rest of this tale will be about me and you'll be sorely disappointed.