Brittany – 6th October 2016
"Of course, just write down what should be on it, and I'll do it", I smile at the costumer, giving her pen and paper.
I love my job. I work here for three months now, and this work fulfills me. It was the right decision to stay. I'm even more aware of it when the doorbell makes a noise and I see Santana coming in.
Today she looks as beautiful as ever. She wears a light blue skinny jeans, a black oversized hoodie with a black leather jacket and white sneakers. Her hair is lightly curled over her shoulders. She doesn't wear that much make-up. I love her casual style. She looks hot in everything, but especially when she's not even trying.
"So, I can pick up the cake on Friday?", the costumer interrupts my daydreaming and I'm looking away from Santana. I check the details with the woman, until she leaves and I'm alone with San.
"Hey, where is Rachel?", I walk around the counter to hug Santana. She smells as good as she looks. Before it gets weird, I pull away, bring some distance between us.
"She texted me, one of her courses lasts longer than she thought, and she doesn't know when she's ready. We should go without her and maybe she joins us later or not."
"Oh, okay, well then we go shopping together. I hope you are excited."
This will be the first time, that we spend a little more time together, just the two of us. Normally we weren't alone for more than 30 minutes. Everything is alright, we talk, we make fun, but you can feel the distance between us. Rachel is a big help, she's trying to bring us closer, so I think today is part of her plan.
"Absolutely, I'm the best in testing beds, you'll see."
Yeah, I can imagine that.
After I spent nearly a month on the girl's couch, I finally found an apartment, 20 minutes with the car from the loft. I sleep on an air mattress ever since. I'm used to minimalism because of the army, but my back is killing me slowly, so I need a bed.
Sugar – my boss in the pastry shop - enters the store so she can take over and I can go bed hunting with Santana.
When we arrive at the store, we look at everything, from pillows to towels and Santana says I need everything.
"Do you work here and get money or why should I take everything?" I joke, give the shopping cart a quick glance, which is full of decorations.
"Your apartment looks so sterile like a hospital."
"Maybe I like it that way?", I challenge her, and she grins.
"Oh really? I don't know if you remember, but your room had walls full of photos and literally a plant breeding station. Say again you like it sterile, and I put all these thinks back", she starts grabbing the chain of lights, but I lie my hand on hers to stop her. As soon as she looks at me with those big brown eyes, I realize what I have done and pull my hand away.
"You're right, I need a little life in my apartment, but I think this is enough for the start", I try to play it cool, push the cart forward. I'm glad when we reach the bed section.
The first bed that looks good for me gets tested by jumping on it.
"I think that is what it feels like to lay on clouds", I enthuse and turn around, so I lie on my back.
"Make some space, I want to try it, too."
I roll to the side and Santana starts running and jumps on the bed, falls down next to me.
"You're right, clouds must feel like that. It's so big I fit here transversely."
"You fit everywhere transversely, even on a prison bed", I just need to make this joke. She doesn't reply, I'm scared that I crossed a line. I don't know if we have this kind of friendship yet again, where we make fun of each other.
I turn my face towards her, and she looks at me, one eyebrow raised.
"Tough words for a face like yours", she banters back, tries to stay serious, but as soon as I start laughing, she can't hold back and starts giggling, too.
"I already had that feeling that my make-up doesn't cover up my ugly face today", I pout for a few seconds, but her laugh makes me laugh, too.
"The bed is really a paradise", I close my eyes after we calmed down.
"And enough space for Quinn and you."
"Why should Quinn be in my bed?"
"Aren't you two dating?"
"Does she say this?", I'm puzzled. Quinn and I are just friends.
"No, but you spend a lot of time with each other. I thought there is something going on."
"Are you jealous?", I open my eyes, look right into hers.
"Of what?"
"Obviously Quinn."
"You can do whatever you want with whoever you want. I'm just curious."
Just curious? Of course.
"We are just friends, satisfied?", I give her an answer and I'm happy that I still can interpret her body language. I see how relieved she is.
I can't give someone enough attention for a relationship, except Santana. She'll always be my exception.
"I would take the bed, it matches with the decorations I picked out", San changes the subject and stands up.
"My back will be happy, I think he aged 30 years in the last weeks", I also stand up and look for a salesman.
/
The decorations found their way in my apartment and my back can't wait to finally lie comfortable. My bed will be delivered in a few days, I hope my sleep will be more peaceful. I'll still have my nightmares but at least it's more comfortable.
We are in Santana's room, each one with a pizza, we eat on her floor. It's like a tradition, we never eat on a table.
Music can be heard in the background and in addition we drink red wine. Rachel is nowhere to be found and didn't give us any sign, that she's alive.
"I still believe Rachel has a boyfriend and doesn't tell us", Santana assumes. She could be right; I think the same. Rachel is walking around like the luckiest person ever, smiles more than before and no matter how bad your day is, she can cheer you up with her optimism.
"I wish her the best; I know the fails she had in the past few years."
We had many talks on the phone when Rachel complained about men. But who knows, maybe she found the right one.
"Did you have someone in the last years?"
"No. But I didn't want anyone, I was better alone, could concentrate on myself."
Nobody could ever compete with Santana anyway.
"How's it going with Sam?"
She knows about my love life, it's only fair when I get information about hers.
"Fine, I'm very happy with him", she smiles, but it doesn't meet her eyes. She lies. I know it, I know everything about her. I know every smile, especially this one. How many times did she uses this kind of smile, talking about a boyfriend who gave her the hickey or something, so nobody realizes that we're a couple?
"I love that we're sitting on the floor, like we couldn't afford any furniture, but my back will report me and wants damages. Can I lie on your bed for some minutes, please?"
"Of course, granny, just lie down", S teases me.
"I would say something against it, but I'm not talking to dwarfs, except I'm high", I reply, and she slaps my leg as I stand up.
"I told you, an air mattress is not a permanent solution."
"I know, the next time I listen to you", I sigh and watch Santana cleaning the floor, putting down the bottle of wine and the glasses.
"Shirt off, I can't look at this mess a second longer."
"What?"
"I'm giving you a massage. Take your shirt off and roll on your stomach", she orders and who am I to deny this?
"Do not wonder, I have a big scar on my back and one on my hip", I explain and take off my shirt. I know that Santana looks at my body as soon as I'm on my stomach.
"Does it hurt?", she asks quietly, running her fingers along my scar. I get goosebumps right away. Not because of the pain, but because Santana is the one, touching me.
"No, just the thought of it", I keep my answer short and close my eyes. Santana doesn't know the whole story and I don't want her pity. And I know she would cry, and I hate seeing her like that.
"Just relax, your back will thank you", she talks softly, starts kneading my shoulders. I relax completely, enjoy the feeling of her hands on my body. She sits on the back of my thighs so she can reach my back better. It doesn't take long for me to fall asleep.
Without nightmares.
When I wake up the first time, I'm still on my stomach. I need a second to realize where I am. I look to my left: Santana is beside me, covered in a blanket.
One of the streetlights shines in her room, so I can see her properly. Now I can see and feel that her right hand holds my left hand. I don't know what happened, but I savor any moment of it. So I close my eyes and fall asleep again.
Santana – 7th October 2016
I try to calm myself down, play down my feelings. The first time in forever we spent half a day together and I go crazy for this woman. Yesterday, I saw the old Brittany, the one I haven't seen in years. Of course, we spent the last few months together as friends, but most of the times Rachel and Quinn were there too, so we didn't communicate that much.
My thoughts are interrupted when I hear our apartment door and Rachel tries to sneak into her room.
"Stop right there, woman!", I get her attention and she flinches and turns around.
"Come here, have breakfast with me, before I need to go to work", I nod to our kitchen table and after she takes off her shoes and jacket, she follows me.
"Care to explain, where you were all night long?", I raise my brow questioningly, pour her some coffee in a cup and put it down in front of her.
"On the road", she shrugs, plays with the cup of coffee, "How was your day with Britt?"
"She is in my bed right now and sleeps", I answer and Rachels eyes are getting wide.
"Are you…"
"No, we're not. But I woke up holding her hand, I don't know how that happened, I hope she didn't notice."
The last thing I need between us is this weird tension again.
"And in general? You get closer again?"
"It was a good idea, that we spent the day together. There were a few situations we didn't know how to handle, but in general it was okay."
"And why is she sleeping in your bed?"
"We had pizza and drank a few and I started kneading her back, because she was in pain, and she fell asleep. Everything was innocent."
"But it was nice?"
"I think we're getting to the old ease."
"Finally, my two favorite people in the world are getting back together", she claps her hands grinning while I roll my eyes.
"Now that I was honest, you return the favor? Where were you?"
Sometimes I feel like we are mother and daughter, from time to time we change the roles.
"I was with Finn."
"And Finn is who?"
"A classmate and kind of my boyfriend."
"Kind of? It's an easy question, is he your boyfriend or not? Let's not forget I never heard about Finn?"
"You know him, he was in 'Tyrant?'"
"This awful play, one of your classmates wrote and you played there because you felt sorry? With the one who looked like a dorky mess on stage? His moves were horrible, I still want my money back for my wasted time."
It was midsummer, fucking hot, like really fucking hot and I had to look at this shit for like a hundred of hours, because I can't say no to Rachel and support her, no matter how horrible it is.
"He wrote the play, and he is the dorky mess, so thanks for your honest opinion."
"Sorry?"
"It's okay, he knew it wasn't that awesome. But we got closer during the rehearsals, and we spend a lot of time ever since."
"You're with this guy since July and you tell me know? Three months later?", I start pouting, drink my coffee.
"I wanted to see how it goes. You know how much the last guys disappointed me. I wanted to be sure, before you meet him and judge."
"And you are sure?"
"He's my lobster, Santana."
Rachel, Brittany, and I spent our limited free time together watching Friends, so I know what she means with lobster.
"When do I meet him?", I get excited for her.
"How about next Saturday? He's got a lot on his plate, but if I tell him early enough, he can make time for us."
"Around noon?"
"Yeah, sounds good. I'll tell him. You can invite Sam, too. I haven't seen him in a long time."
"I don't think he's got the time", I lie.
"Everything okay with you two? I have the feeling something's wrong with you."
I knew she would ask this. Sam wasn't here that often, mostly I'm at Sam's. As friends. We ended our relationship, but we're closer than before. Nobody knows that we broke up, because Sam doesn't know how to handle his new feelings and I don't want to put him under pressure. As long as we're together, nobody will ask questions.
"Everything is fine, he's got a lot of work, but it's okay for me. You know me, I need my freedom."
He works harder than before, since his mother watches him closely. The argument with his dad is still there, his mum said, as long as he works as good as before, she hasn't any reason to punish him.
"Britt can be your date, so you're not alone."
"Don't get your hopes up, R."
"I have no hopes. Sooner or later, it will happen between you, too. You are her lobster and she's yours. I like Sam, but he can't compete with what you two have."
Nobody has a change against our connection. And Rach is the one saying it out loud.
"Work is calling", I end our conversation, start cleaning a little bit and then I head to work.
/
After an exhausting shift at the Diner, I'm relieved when I see Sam's car. Groggy I let my self down on the passenger seat, buckling up while he starts the engine.
"Hard day?", he hands me a water bottle.
"Oh yes. I'm really friendly, but my patience is at the end", I grumble and take a sip.
"Are you hungry? I could stop somewhere and order take-away", he suggests, and I agree immediately.
Although we broke up, we still meet often, updating each other on our lives.
"How's it going with Brittany? You're getting closer?"
Sam and Rachel could be the same person right now.
"We are friends."
"You don't want it to be more than friends? You told me so much about you two and the way you talk about her…it isn't over for you, is it?"
We spent so many nights and I told Sam literally everything about us. He was so into it and maybe it will help him figuring out his stuff.
"Brittany doesn't know what she wants, and I don't need someone like her. I need someone who knows what he or she wants for his or her future."
I don't want to explain someone how life works. That's why I was drawn to Sam, he knows what he wants and how to get this.
"You are looking for excuses, I know you", he chuckles, "You told me she was different with you. Maybe you can help her setting some goals?"
"She hides who she is, she'll never outs herself. I don't want to be in a relationship, nobody knows about. I was proud, that I could call her my girlfriend, and I wanted to tell the whole world about her. Instead, she broke my heart and there was no one, except Rachel and later my parents I could cry on."
"You help me on my way, why not her, too? Maybe she will be brave enough to out herself and then you two have a chance."
"You want help. You confessed that you are bisexual, Brittany didn't."
I would be the first one to be there for her and I would help her, but it's the same with addicts: You can't help them, as long as they don't see their problem.
"Maybe I should talk to her?"
It's cute that he wants to help, but nobody can help her.
"As long as you still pretend that I'm your girlfriend, she won't listen to you. You're not outed, that's the only thing she will remember after your talk."
I appreciate his afford, but Brittany is a hopeless case.
"I would out myself for you in a second, before someone else will get your attention", Sam puts his hand on my thigh.
"I love you", I lay my hand above his and his smile gets bigger.
"I love you, too. Head up, everything will be fine."
I hope Sam will find his lobster; he deserves it more than anyone else.
/
Loud laughter is heard as we enter the loft. Spontaneously we decided to eat here. Normally we are at Sam's, but today I'm fucking tired, so he suggested that we could spend the evening here.
"After that, the three of us were sent to detention, but it was worth it."
After we took of our jackets and shoes, we follow the noises.
Rachel, Quinn and Britt sit in the living room, laughing their asses off about an old story, my roomie tells them.
"Hey", I greet my friends, Sam behind me waves shortly.
"Hey you two. Come here, sit with us", Rach nods to the empty couch. This never happens because Rachel doesn't like Sam that much. I know this, that's why I'm so surprised.
I turn around, look at my 'boyfriend' questioningly and he pushes me lightly forward, a sign than we should sit down with the girls.
"You will love this, Sam, we talk about embarrassing high school stories, every single one involves Santana."
"Now I'm excited", Sam replies, when I'm grabbing forks for us. We grabbed rice with chicken, my first warm meal today.
"Alright, then we start with an not so embarrassing story and improve slowly.
While Rachel starts another story, my eyes wander to the other couch, where Quinn and Brittany are sitting. I know Quinn is my friend but seeing her so close with Britt fucks me up.
I have no right to be pissed, but it hurts like a bitch.
