Santana - 18th November 2016
Restless I roll back and forth in bed, no sleep in sight. I tried to discuss this whole thing with Rach, but even the queen of talking didn't know what to say. I don't blame her.
That's why I'm calling Sam. It rings a few times and then he finally picks up.
"San, it's 4 in the morning, I'm dead", he grumbles, but I know he's not mad.
"I'm sorry, but I need someone to talk, and I just can't sleep."
"I repeat myself, it's 4 am."
"I know, I know, just five minutes?"
"Hit it", he sighs and then I talk about yesterday, what happened with Brittany.
"And she ran away? Just like that?", he asks confused.
"Yeah, first she looked completely shocked and then she ran."
"Maybe it was too much for her, I mean she couldn't remember that you told her, so it was new for her."
"Maybe, but couldn't she say something? I stood there like an idiot and watched her running away."
"People are weird. Sometimes they do things without thinking. Maybe she needs time to proceed everything. You told me how she ran away, after you kissed her the first time. It can be her way to handle pressure."
Sam could be right, she reacted similar in the past.
Santana - 12th September 2011
Get your head together, S. You don't have a date; Britt will be here because of homework.
For weeks I'm a mess around her. She makes me fucking nervous. I'm glad she doesn't see it. I don't know how it happened, but I have a crush on my best friend and nobody knows. Except Rachel, but she knew it before I did.
"I'm ready for hell", Britt enters the house after I opened the door.
"I love your motivation", I cheer sarcastically, and she follows me upstairs.
"How could I not be motivated? You know my favorite subject waits", she celebrates, while I simply roll my eyes, not replying anything.
Brittany isn't stupid, just lazy when she needs to do something, she doesn't like. Best example: math. Regularly she asks for help because she wouldn't get her lazy ass up to do something.
Not even 20 minutes passed by, and I needed to stop her three times throwing out her math book and binder. It happened before and my dad wasn't happy about it, when he worked in the garden, and it fell on his head.
"I just can't do it", her things end up on my carpet and I need to hold back a laughter. It's cute when she gets upset.
"You are on the right way, just stay focused", I try to be positive, her look says she isn't convinced.
"I'll never graduate with my understanding for math."
Brittany always puts herself under so much pressure, or she is mentally tortured by her parents. They want to see good grades. If she doesn't get at least a B- somewhere, she is grounded for a week or more.
"Oh you will, and If we have to beat you through it", I disagree with her.
"We? You and the hobbits?"
"I meant Rachel and I, but if you are only here to insult me, then you know where your way out is", I point my finger at the door. I know she made a joke; she always does.
"I'm sorry", she pouts and stands up from the chair and joins me on the bed.
"Will you try again, now?"
"Soon, just let me rest a few minutes", she lies her head in my lap and closes her eyes.
"Britt, we never finish if you postpone everything", I run my fingers through her hair with a sigh. It's always the same when we meet to study.
Master of procrastination.
"I know, but you are sooooo comfortable."
"Every task you solve will get you five minutes of scratching", I try to make a deal and I never seen her faster getting away from me to do her work.
Brittany just needs a goal to aim and then she does everything fine, just little mistakes.
"See, it wasn't that complicated, was it?"
"You are a genius, for you it isn't complicated. This shit costs me nerves."
"You cost me nerves, too", I reply and her eyes narrowing.
"Just kidding, come here and claim your price", I pat beside me on the bed, throw her solved tasks to the ground.
With a grin she lies down on her stomach, puts her hands under her head and I start scratching her back.
In the past this wasn't a problem at all but now it feels like my fingers are on fire as soon as I touch her.
"So good, I hope you don't forget this in the future. When I'm 85 you still need to do this."
"With 85 I'll have people doing this for me, I think they can do this for you, too."
"Just ask some dwarfs in the forest, you are about the same height", she makes fun of me again, so I poke her. She doesn't see it coming because she flinches. I do it again and again until I hear her mumbling, "So you want war."
Within a second she turns around and starts tickling me like crazy. I laugh my ass off, can't really breath properly.
"Okay okay, stop. Please stop, I'm dying", I give up, raise my hands in the air, "You won and I'm sorry", I get out, panting heavily.
Britt raises her fist, starts celebrating like a champ. She does it with a playful smile on her face. I melt at the sight of her. Simple things like a smile make my day.
I don't know if it's all the blood rushing through my head after her tickling attack, but without thinking I lean forward, close my eyes, and kiss her.
Her lips aren't moving, so I open my eyes and look right into hers. I pull away from her mouth, she looks like she saw a ghost.
"I need to go", she jumps off my bed and collects her stuff.
"I'm sorry Britt- "
"Don't say anything, I'm already gone", she interrupts me and runs away. I don't try to catch her; Britt is too fast for me.
Why did I do that? Why can I not act like a normal human being?
Santana - 18th November 2016
"But what if you're wrong? What if she doesn't want me?", I start doubting.
"Do you listen to yourself? You told me what she told you, why would she lie?"
"Because people are weird sometimes?"
"Santana, I love you, but you are weird. Try to sleep, everything will be okay."
"I try, but thanks for listening."
"Always, sleep well."
"You too, Sam."
I put my phone away and try to sleep. I wake up a lot, so I'm fucking tired when I start my shift in the diner.
I think you can see my bad mood with one look at me. I can't do anything against it, when I'm tired, Snixx appears faster than I want.
"Delivery for Santana Lopez", a man in front of the bar gets my attention.
"Here", I put down the dirty dishes and join him at the bar.
I sign and then he puts a bouquet of flowers in my hand, wishes me a good day.
Surprised I take the card out of the gerberas and start reading. Immediately I get a big smile on my face.
When you look in her eyes and she's looking back in yours,
everything feels not quite normal.
Because you feel stronger and weaker at the same time.
You feel excited and at the same time, terrified.
I don't need to read the name on the bottom of the card, I know it's her. I knew it as soon as I saw the gerberas.
Brittany always bought me those because they are special. People all over the world get roses every time, but not gerberas.
With fast steps I walk into the locker room, lay down the flowers and take my phone out.
Normally only Peter Parker can do something to me with these words, but today you put a big smile on my face. The flowers are beautiful, but I don't know what you are trying to tell me. I think we need to finish a conversation.
I send the message, put my phone and the flowers away and go back to work, in a much better mood.
However, I'm not that happy anymore when I leave work. Still no answer from Britt.
I change my clothes, take my purse and the flowers, and make my way out of the diner. In the parking lot I see a familiar car.
"Hey", I hear her voice behind me.
"Hi", I turn around, look at her.
She wears a dress. A rare sight, but what a beautiful sight. Her almost endless legs end in black boots, matching her black leather jacket.
"Aren't you dressed a little too lightly for this time of the year?"
"You have to suffer for beauty. And we don't stay outside for long."
"We? Where do we go?"
"To your apartment, because a surprise is waiting there", she walks past me to the car and opens the door for me.
"May I?"
"You may", I get in the car and she closes my door before she finds her way into it too.
"Why didn't you reply to my text?"
"Because I'm not good with words? I mean the card was just a quote. And I needed to prepare your surprise after work, so I had no time."
"The quote was cheesy", I look at her with a lopsided grin.
"So I picked the right one."
"You are always right with Spiderman."
"How was work?"
"Not good until I got your gift. I was tired and mad at you because you ran away."
"I'm sorry."
"This is everything you have to say?"
"I panicked and I couldn't handle your words. I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve it."
We stop at a right light and now she looks at me.
"You and this goddamn pout", I shake my head, with big smile on my face.
/
"The surprise is in your room", she explains when I don't see anything in the living room.
"Okay, is it ready? Can I see it?"
"Of course, go for it, I'll be right back", she walks into the kitchen, while I walk straight into my room.
There is a blanket on the floor with lots of pillows and a picnic basket. It's dark in the room, except for the night sky that is projected on the ceiling.
"I don't know anyone who owns a planetarium or works there, so I needed to be creative", she places the champagne bottle next to the basket.
"It's perfect" I admit.
"So you go on this date with me?"
"Are you the Bachelorette?", I joke as she takes a gerbera from the bouquet out of my hands.
"Do you take this final gerbera?", she holds it in front of me. I lay down the bouquet on my bed, before I got back to Britt, waiting a few more moments.
She deserves it.
"I do", I take the flower and then I wrap my arms around her neck, kiss her with everything I have.
/
I can't take my eyes off her. I'm scared that it's just a dream and she will be gone as soon as I turn away.
"You okay?", Britt notices my glance.
"Just thinking."
"About?"
"About us. Is it real or just a beautiful dream."
"I can pinch you?"
"Don't you dare", I start to slip away from her, but her arm around my waist pulls me back to her.
"I get you, it's a lot for me, too."
"Do you promise me to stop running away and start talking to me if something bothers you?"
"I promise", she links her pinky with mine, her eyes never leave mine.
I will believe everything if she keeps looking at me like that.
"Okay", I whisper and start to get lost in those pretty blue eyes. I could look at her all day long.
"If I had known that you would look at me the whole time and not at this beautiful sky I would have simply lie down on your bed."
"I'm sorry, you're just a really good distraction."
"You're not sorry, I know it", she chuckles, "But can you do me a favor?"
"I think so?", I wrinkle my forehead.
"When I was in the army, I had a picture of you, the polaroid I took on New Years Eve. I lost it and I wanted to know, if I can take a picture of you, so I have one with me, again?"
How could I say no to her?
"Of course, but I change into something prettier", I stand up and start looking in my closet for something to wear.
"You already look gorgeous; I like you in jeans and a sweater."
"This might be true, but I want people to be blown away, when you show them the picture with pride and say that this is your girlfriend."
"I'm not ready to go public with it, you know that, right?"
"Are you afraid of the looks? Or if people insult you? Or am I the problem?" I ask, grabbing a dress from my closet. I knew she wouldn't change completely from one minute to the other, but I hoped she would be more relaxed with it.
"You are not the problem, but the situation is new, and I would lie, if I say, that I'm not afraid of the looks or people talking."
"New York is probably the most tolerant city in the whole world, no one would look at us, we disappear in the crowd", I pull the sweater over my head, when Britt sneaks up behind me, her arms around me and we both look at each other in the mirror.
"Who doesn't look at you is blind", she replies and starts kissing my neck. I tilt my head to the side, so she has better access, close my eyes, and enjoy the feeling of her lips on my skin.
I open them again, when I feel her fingers on my jeans, trying to open the button.
"What are you doing?"
"Helping you out of your clothes?", she mumbles against my neck.
"And then?"
"Do we play 20 questions now?", she raises an eyebrow.
"I want to take it slow. You don't want to go in public with me and I don't want to have sex with you."
It's a lie, I couldn't resist her.
"Your eyes and your body telling me something different", she says quietly, opens the button and the zipper, "But you want to take it slow, just like me. So put on your dress, so I can take the picture."
Britt brings some distance between us, but not without giving me a little slap on my ass.
"Fucking tease", I chuckle and change the rest of my clothes. The blonde turns the night sky off and the light on. I try to fix my hair a little bit and then I position myself across from her.
"I want to see my smile", she grins and like an automatism I give her that smile, while she takes the picture.
"I want to take one of you, too, I like to make people jealous", I take the polaroid cam and she puts down the picture she took a few seconds ago.
"I don't think you can make people jealous with me."
"Oh I can and I will, now smile", I instruct and she gives me a sweet smile. I take the pic and lay it down next to hers.
"It's okay for you to keep it private, yeah? That we are together?"
"I'm not happy about it, but I told you, I'm patient. We will see how long you can keep your hands to yourself, when we are in public", I stick out my tongue and with a chuckle she shakes her head, turns the light off and the sky on.
She reaches for my hands.
"I will try my best, really. I try to leave my fear behind as fast as I can."
I put her hands on my waist and mine on her cheeks.
"It's okay, I give you all the time in the world. I got you back, other things can wait."
I don't want to put her under pressure. We do it in her tempo.
/
Tired I open my eyes, beautiful eyes looking at me.
"Hey, sorry if I woke you up. I need to go now, and I just wanted to say bye", her hand runs along my side, and I start to smile.
"You can stay here?"
"Tomorrow. I need to get up early because of an important costumer and I think you need all the sleep you can get."
One look at my phone shows me that I slept for three hours.
The night sky is gone, the little lamp on my nightstand is on. The basket and the pillows aren't there anymore.
"Okay, I bring you outside", I stretch myself and she helps me to get up. She takes the blanket and the rest of the pillows and puts them in the basket, before she wraps her arm around my shoulder, and we start walking.
"Hello lovebirds", Rachel shouts, when we walk past the living room and grins knowingly.
"I'm not having this talk with you today, Rach, save it for tomorrow", Britt laughs and then we are in the hallway.
"Thanks for this great afternoon and evening", she starts putting on her boots. Meanwhile I just look at her lovingly with a "Hmmm".
"And thanks for giving me a chance, you won't regret this."
"I love you", I reply and her face lights up. She puts on her jacket and then she's ready to go, so we share one long kiss.
"I love you. God, I love you so much, I will tell you this every day from now on, until one of us dies."
Again, she looks down at me, kisses me. About five minutes later we pull away from each other. With one last "Goodbye", she walks down the stairs and I close the door.
I join Rachel in the living room, who smiles at me, like she is part of this relationship. Without her we wouldn't be together right now, I know that.
"Look at you, full of love", Rachel laughs, and I turn the chair around, so we can look at each other while talking.
"It went well I think?", she asks, but I think she already knows the answer.
"It was perfect. Thank you."
"I just opened the door; it was her idea and she prepared everything."
"Not just today. You always tried to bring us closer again and today showed me you were right. I love her, always will."
"So you are a couple?"
"Yes, but only in private. Brittany needs her time."
"And you are fine with it?"
"I will be, if it means she is part of my life."
"You look much happier than the last months and years. Britt has quite the effect on you."
"She was always the missing puzzle piece", I sigh happily. I could hug the whole world right now.
"I'm happy for you, finally my little family is complete, again."
Rachel is like our child. I know she was sad too when Britt was gone.
"And this family won't go separate ways ever again, I promise", I take her hand and give it a little squeeze.
We talk for like half an hour, but I'm just too tired to concentrate, so I say goodbye to my roomie, get ready for bed in the bathroom and then I walk into my room.
I pick up the picture I took a few hours ago and look at it. I'm lucky. She joins the other pictures of friends and family before I go to bed. There I take one last look at my phone.
Brittany sent me a memo.
"Hey, I just want to say that I'm home, so you don't need to worry. And I want to thank you again. I don't take this chance for granted and I promise you, you won't regret it. I love you more than words could express…anyway I wish you a good night and sweet dreams."
I listen to her voice three times, dying because of her cuteness.
I send her a message back and then I put my phone away.
Satisfied, in love and taken, I dream about our future together.
