Chaos Isn't Always a Bad Thing

Disclaimer: I don't own Fox, or House. No, not even Steve McQueen.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the usual day at Princeton-Plainsborough hospital. The sun was shining; babies were being born; old ladies were walking around with canes in the hallways—

And Dr. Gregory House had come in early.

He dumped his blue backpack onto his desk and rummaged through the contents, throwing random junk everywhere. His jacket, a flattened Fig Newton bar, a rubber ball, a sandwich bag containing a moldy sandwich, and…

"Steve McQueen! Get back here! It's not time yet!"

Steve whimpered and looked at House appealingly.

"No. Get back here."

Steve gave the equivalent of a sigh and scurried back to House, and easily leaped up to stand on his desk.

"All righty. Here's the deal. I let you loose for a day of wonderful chaos in the hospital. You, in return, get Chase—" he flicked his cane towards a picture of Chase on the wall, "And Cameron—" cane flicking action towards Cameron's picture "together. Two of my ducklings acting like lovesick—well, ducklings—simply won't work. Remember, don't go into the morgue—trust me, dead bodies are not interesting, well, unless you're putting bullets in one, but that's not relevant—any operation rooms, outside, or any other levels. You'll get extra rat treats if you terrorize Cuddy as much as humanely possible, but don't let that thought deter you from getting Chase and Cameron together." He prodded their pictures thoroughly to emphasize his point and to get the idea through Steve's head. "Ready?"

Steve bobbed his head.

"Let's go." With Steve running in front of him, House opened the door and watched as Steve shot off down the hall, weaving through the throng of feet.

Foreman's voice from behind surprised him. "Was that just a…rat running down the hallway?"

House turned to face one of his ducklings. "Of course not," he replied. "Either you're hallucinating, or you need to get your eyesight checked, because you just mistook a shoe for a rat."

Foreman just shook his head and pushed open the door to the conference room.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9:47 AM brought no new cases for the team, and one extremely furious Cuddy. Chase, who was facing the door with his ever-present crossword on the table in front of him, alerted the rest of the team. "Cuddy alert. And she's spitting fire."

House glanced up from where he was idly twirling his yo-yo around. "Oooh. Spitting fire, you say? Hmm, this should be interesting."

Foreman and Cameron barely had time to look at House before the door to the conference room swung open and one demonic Dean of Medicine stormed in.

"HOUSE! Please tell me that you did not have anything to do with the event that one rat that is wearing a collar that says 'Steve McQueen' is running around the hospital?"

"Well, I've always thought that the collar gave Steve a snazzy touch—"

"THAT IS IRRELEVANT TO THIS SITUATION!"

"Ouch. You might want to pipe down a little. Chase looks so scared, he might just piddle his pants right here."

Chase, who was certainly not about to "piddle in his pants" shot House an overly dirty glare.

"If Chase is going to piddle in his pants, that is his problem! The problem at hand concerns how your rat got into this hospital!"

"Ohhh, that. Hm. He must have snuck into my backpack when I wasn't looking. He always did want to visit the hospital…"

"How could you not be looking?"

"What? I'm a cripple. Cripples generally have bigger things on their mind."

"Whatever. I'm calling the exterminators."

House looked decidedly scared at this. "No—don't!"

Cuddy looked suspiciously at him. "Why? A rat is unsanitary, and we cannot have it running around this hospital!"

"Steve is so totally sanitary! He just had a bath last night! And er…my team doesn't have a case, so we could look for Steve?"

"I—you know what, fine. Have your team look for your idiotic rat. They have all of today to look for it, but if they don't find it by tomorrow, I'm calling the exterminators."

With that, Cuddy yanked open the door and stalked off down the hall.

The whole room sat in silence for a good couple of seconds before House broke the silence.

"Gee, that was interesting. Right. Down to business. Foreman, you check all the bathrooms on this level. Steve knows little pictures of males and females. He's that smart. Cameron, clinic. Steve's people-friendly. Even though most freak out when they see him. Chase, the rest of this level. Steve's scared of stairs and elevators."

His whole team simply sat there and gaped at him.

"What? Aren't you supposed to be looking for a rat right now? Get moving." House started to swing his cane about in a shooing motion, and his team all hurried to get up and go, or else get knocked in the ribs by a dangerous cane.

As Foreman and Chase rushed out the door, Cameron paused and looked back at House. "So doctors of our level just got demoted to being rat-catchers?" Her voice was cool and showed mild amusement.

House leaned on his cane and surveyed Cameron. "Basically, yes."

Cameron just smiled and turned to walk out the door.

As the door swung shut behind Cameron's retreating back, Steve gave a questioning squeak from his hiding place behind the filing cabinet.

"Yes, yes, you can come out now. Very good work. Here's a rat treat, and now get ready for more chaos."

Steve had barely just run out of the door to cause "Chaos: Part II" when Wilson burst into House's office.

"Are you out of your mind, letting Steve McQueen run loose in the hospital like this?" he asked.

"Hm, perhaps. It's a questionable thing, whether you're insane or not…"

"Anyways, how did Steve even get into the hospital?"

"Like I said, it was an accident…"

"House, I know you better than that. You brought him, didn't you? For another radical plan of yours?"

House gave Wilson a stony glare for having seen through his plan, and gave a sullen nod.

"So which plan would that be?"

"It's secret. And you'll tell Cuddy."

"No, I won't. Promise."

House gave an exaggerated sigh before whispering confidentially to Wilson: "Steve's going to get Chase and Cameron together."

Wilson laughed out loud at this before skeptically eyeing House. "You're joking."

House looked offended. "I never joke. And this plan is definitely going to work."

"And how would it happen to work?"

"It's secret."

"House, stop acting like a four year-old and tell me."

House considered this for a moment. "Not telling."

Wilson shook his head in defeat. "Fine. But whatever it is, I say your plan definitely won't work."

"Oh, it will. My plans always do."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: And that concludes the first chapter! This fic will only be two or three chapters long, and yes, Chase and Cameron are eventually going to get together, Steve McQueen or not. Well, I better stop writing or else I'll give out all the secrets! Reviews are love!