RUNAWAY BRIDE(GROOM): Pt 6
What should have happened on Lee & Dee's wedding day...
"I so hate weddings", muttered Gaius Baltar, President of the Colonies. They're so boring, so hypocritical". He surveyed his surroundings from his first row seat with mild disdain. The Observation Deck–the only room aboard Galactica that had public access to a view of outside space– was festooned with colorful flower displays ( the lilies and roses specially grown in the hydroponics bay), ribbons, drapery, and other assorted matrimonial paraphernalia. "I never understood why two people want to put themselves up like a pair of show ponies, just to prance up and down the aisle for the benefit of people who really only there for the free food and booze." The room was starting to get stuffy, with the two dozen people crammed on either side of the narrow aisle, all breathing the same stale air. "Isn't there any air conditioning in here? When will this torture end?"
A soft, slender white hand slid onto his right shoulder. "Poor Gaius. A hapless victim of protocol."
Baltar turned his head slightly to see Six standing next to him. She was wearing one of his favorites–a pale, shimmery blue satin number with spaghetti straps that hugged her curves like paint.
"Remember, as much as you despise these occasions, it's better to keep your friends–"
"--Close and your enemies closer. I know. Diplomacy is a bugger. I don't know why I even bother. I'm the President, for God's sake."
"Don't take His name in vain, Gaius," warned Six. "It's disrespectful."
"Sorry." He really wasn't, but unless he wanted everybody in the room to see their President clenching his balls in agony, he'd rather take the high road. "It's just that this charade should have started–" he looked at his watch, "Twenty minutes ago. I wonder what so important that we have to wait for so long!"
"I wonder..." Six purred, smiling a smile like the cat that ate the canary. She was up to something, but he didn't ask her what. She'd probably say "It's God's plan" or some other drabble, so he settled instead for turning in his seat to look at the other guests. They were mostly higher-ranked crew members from both battlestars. D'Anna Biers was in the back–the lone member of the press allowed into the ceremony–checking her camera for the umpteenth time. The Tighs were in the front row on the side opposite him, with the father of the groom standing by them, chatting with Saul. The Galactica's X.O. was looking distinctively uncomfortable in his dress uniform and in need of a drink. He probably has ambrosia on him somewhere. He was tempted to demand it from him. Ellen was ignoring the two men, giving him the "come-hither-and-frak-me-in-the-supply-closet" look. Ugh! Used goods! He didn't see another attractive female in the bunch (none that weren't in his head, that is). There was a time in his life–before the end of the worlds–when he could solve his wedding ennui problem by persuading a pretty bridesmaid to duck into a toilet stall with him for a quick shag. Hells, he'd even had the bride on a couple of occasions, just minutes before she traipsed down the aisle to her clueless husband. He smiled at the recollection. He considered it his own personal wedding tradition...
"Walking down Memory Lane, Gaius?"
Jolted from his reverie, Baltar sighed. "Well, there's not much else to do. They should have thought of having some entertainment before the wedding. Would it have hurt them to have had at least a couple of Scorpian belly dancers?"
"Have no fear," whispered Six, sliding onto his lap. "I think the entertainment's about to begin...
"What? Three Scorpian belly dancers?
"In five...
"What about four Scor–"
"Shhh! (pressing a finger onto his lips)–three, two one."
At that moment, the large door to the Observation Deck slid open. Some unseen hand saw it as a cue to turn on the canned wedding music. All heads turned, expecting to see the handsome Commander Lee Adama walking down the aisle, with the steadfast X.O. of the Pegasus, Major Karl Agathon, behind him. Instead, they were treated to an embarrassed-looking marine, pale skin turning red as his hair under the scrutiny. Knowing his presence didn't bode well, the stone-faced Admiral waved the soldier to some closer. The murmuring started as the soldier marched towards Adama and whispered into his ear. After a moment, the Admiral's eyebrows went straight up.
"Are you sure, Soldier?"
"Positive, Sir! Sledgehammer and I saw him walking towards the elevators. Major Agathon thinks he may have been trying to..."
At that moment, the murmuring and the cheesy music got loud enough to block out whatever the soldier was saying.
"What the bloody hell did he say? I didn't catch that last part! For the sake of the Gods, turn down that awful noise! Did someone die? Did the bride suddenly become ugly?"
"Oh I think you know what's happened, Gaius." Six wiggled on his lap.
At first, Baltar gave her a pissed off, annoyed look...and then the pieces of information began to click in his mind. A sly grin began to curl the edges of his mouth. "You mean to tell me...that big, brave Commander Adama's..."
"A runaway bridegroom!" She was holding a hand to her mouth, hiding a charming giggle.
Baltar himself began to chuckle at the thought. Spit-and-polish, tight-assed, do-gooder Lee Adama, son of the legendary Admiral William Adama, Commander of the fleet, fleeing the scene like a scared little girl? Just the thought filled him with wicked glee.
"And it gets better", Six pointed to the door, the music automatically swelling into the Wedding March. "Here comes the bride!"
Like a furious white candle ablaze, Lieutenant Anastasia "Dee" Dualla stomped down the aisle, struggling to tug the red veil away from her face, cursing as she tripped over the hem of her strapless sheath dress (I guess all the decent tailors are planet-side, he thought snidely). As she stalked towards the Admiral, he could see that her coffee-colored features flushed. "Admiral, is there something wrong? What's this marine doing here? Where's Lee?" The Admiral, gently, but firmly, put an arm around her shoulders and walked her towards the large bay window filled with twinkling stars, turning their backs to the guests. Baltar could just make out the sound of his gravelly voice as he gave his would-be daughter-in-law the bad news. For a few seconds, she seemed quiet. Baltar was a little disappointed. She actually seemed to be taking it--
"WHAT! " Dee's voice ricocheted off the window, causing a few heads to turn in their direction. "WHAT HAPPENED!" The Admiral mumbled something about keeping her voice down, but she continued. "WHY!" Her normally doe-like features hardened, "It's her, isn't it Admiral! Why did you have to invite her! You knew what she did to him!"
"She's family–"
"So am I!" Her jade-green eyes flashed him a warning. "You knew", she hissed, her rage ramping up slowly. "You knew this was going to happen! You invited her on purpose so that she could be your daughter!"
"I did no such thing," the Admiral said incredulously.
"You never did like the idea of Lee and I, did you?"
"For the last time, keep your voice–"
Dee ignored him, stomping towards the marine ("Why does she have to tromp around like that?" whispered Baltar to Six, who replied, "Her shoes are a size too big! I guess the decent shoemakers are planet-side, too!"). "Soldier! What is your name?"
In spite of her petite size, the scope of Dualla's rage made the soldier look distinctly small. "Uh, Corporal Ryan Simmonds, Sir!"
Balter heard one of the Pegasus crew members behind him whisper to his seat-mate, "Hey! Half-box of caramels she throws a punch!"
"Corporal Simmonds, was the Commander acting strangely?"
"Yes, Sir, he–"
"Was he acting out of character?"
"Yes–"
She grabbed onto his vest with both hands. "Then why didn't you say something?"
"Take it easy, Ana!" The Admiral looked like he was starting to get fed up.
"Well, we–"
She shook him as hard has she could, adrenaline kicking in. "When you saw him walking the wrong way, why didn't you stop him!"
"Dee, I said that will be all!" repeated Adama, his voice sterner, his craggy face hardening.
"Sir! He's the Commanding–"
"–Officer! Which means you have a responsibility to his safety and well being!"
"Unhand that man, Dualla!". The Admiral was reaching the breaking point...
"I'm not done with him yet!" She turned back to the hapless corporal. "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM!"
"I SAID THAT IS ENOUGH, LIEUTENANT!" boomed the Admiral.
Dee instantly froze, her hands still on the soldier. The entire room went silent–with only the stupid canned music to break the tension.
"Take your hands off him right now and get a grip on yourself! And somebody please, TURN THE FRAKKING MUSIC OFF!"
As the music went dead, the President waited anxiously for the next circus act. Now, I can finally hear properly!
As her hands slipped off the marine, she turned to the Admiral. "But we don't know where–"
"We know enough."
"But–"
"Look, in spite of what you think, you're a good, steady woman, who would have been a solid addition to my family. However, I didn't expect my son to abandon his duty in this manner. I'm as appalled as you are. However, hollering at the top of your lungs is not helping the situation any."
Dee tried to salvage her dignity, trying to stand tall. "Admiral, I'm going to lead a search–"
"No you will not."
"SIR! THIS IS MY HUSBAND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND LET YOU,OR ANYBODY STOP ME FROM STRANGLING THAT BITCH!"
Adama interrupted her in a tone that brooked no insolence.. "Discipline might be more relaxed, now that we've ditched the Cylons, but you are still an officer of the Colonial Fleet! Act like one!"
He turned to the soldier. "Corporal!"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Escort Lieutenant Dualla to her quarters."
Dualla's jaw dropped for a second, before interjected, "But Sir, is that nec–"
The Old Man gave her "The Stare". "It's either that, or the brig."
Gaius could tell she wanted to say more, but realized that she had finally gone too far. She quickly turned to head for the door, only to have her slightly oversized shoe catch onto the hem of her dress. Wide-eyed, she fell forward, grabbing onto Corporal Simmonds for balance. Unfortunately, the poor man had been taking a step back to make room for her, and lost his equilibrium, falling backwards onto a flower display. Down they went like a pack of dominoes–thunk, thunk, thunk! In her struggle to raise herself up, the bodice of her stylish dress slid down, treating the marine to a view that only the Commander and Billy Keikeya had the privilege of seeing (Well, maybe not Billy. He had been such a virgin). At that point, he heard another thunk...Six had fallen off his lap and was literally rolling on the ground laughing. Several real human beings were in various stages of trying to control their mirth, with varying success. He, himself, made no bones about how funny the whole thing was–he was holding his sides, feeling the buttons on his oxford shirt shirt getting ready to pop from his own hilarity. Even the Tighs were leaning into each other, with tears coming out of their eyes. And in the middle of it all, the poor, mortified bride could only pull up her dress with as much dignity as she could muster, kick off the offending shoes, and run out as fast as she could, trailed by her beet-red escort.
Adama watched her progress, then focused his attention on back row. "And if you don't want to end up in the brig yourself, Ms. Biers, I suggest you turn off that camera right now!"
D'Anna grinned smugly as she slung the camera off her shoulder, unrepentant to the last. Bloody hells! She caught the whole thing! The Old Bugger will probably have that tape destroyed, but what a wedding video! I wonder if I could buy it off of her?
The Admiral then breathed a sigh of relief, muttering something like "He was too soft on her." He straightened his jacket, and then turned to his audience. "Well, as you can see, the ceremony has been...delayed..."
66666
As the search for Lee Adama and Kara Thrace began, the wedding guests milled about the hallways, replaying the scene, glancing around quickly to check if the Admiral was around. Everybody seemed to have an opinion.
"They seemed to be a lovely couple."
"I certainly didn't see this coming."
"I did!"
"I think he got the right idea by running away! She was always trying to cut of off the Commander's balls!"
"It's too bad she ended up like that. She used to be a really sweet, intelligent girl."
"I think he's a cad!"
"Boy, the Admiral was pissed!"
"Pint of whisky he's hiding on the Rising Star with Starbuck! With everybody on the planet, there are going to be a lot of empty bedrooms to choose from."
The President took it all in stride. He was in a chipper mood, more so than he had any right to be. He felt his invisible helpmate slide her arm through his, walking in time to his casual pace. "I must say, it's such a joy to see the High-And-Mighty Adama family knocked down a peg or two. It was better than a fleet of Scorpian belly dancers!"
They passed the Tighs, who were each holding up a flask each of Gods-knows-what.
"Ellen, I just wanted to say, thank you for not giving me children!"
"Anytime, Saul!" They clinked their flasks together in a toast, and then knocked back the elixer, chuckling to themselves.
In another corner, D'Anna Biers was talking into what seemed to be a voice recorder. Ah, just the woman I'm looking for...
"...And another thing, Four. You've got competition again, so get off your ass and get the brat ready, pronto–" As she saw Baltar approaching, she quickly tucked the device away. "Ah, just making some notes. Can I help you, Mr. President?"
"Oh, nothing. I was wondering–"
"Excuse me," D'Anna interrupted, slinging her camera onto her shoulder again. "Before I forget, would you like to give me an official comment on this occasion?"
"Certainly, D'Anna, I would be delighted." He straightened his tie, combed his hair back with his fingers. "Whenever you're ready."
"Mr President," she began, "What are your feelings regarding this startling turn of events?"
"Well, Ms. Biers, all I have to say is–This is the best bloody wedding I've ever been to!"
