Before I post, I have some great news: I have a copy of the final part of Chapter 41 AND Chapter 42! I found an untitled document on my Google Drive with snippets of some random scenes, and lo and behold it included rough versions of both chapters. Both of them are pretty rough and will need a lot of editing, as I'm guessing these came from an early draft that I copy and pasted with the intent to work on a different computer, but oh my gosh, this is just such a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. Now I'll only really have to rewrite one scene in Chapter 41, and the last scene from 42. I'll still wait an extra week before posting though, so I can make sure they're perfect. These next two chapters are REALLY important, I'd say they actually mark an even bigger change than Wave, so I want them to be as high-quality as possible.
(Also, Pokemon. I am not going to have the patience to focus on writing when Alola's waiting me to explore.)
With that wonderful news out of the way, here is the promised omake interlude! I originally hoped to post it Monday, but I got caught up with schoolwork which took precedence. I ended up taking on an unintentional theme here so it reads like a series of very loosely connected drabbles. For ones I got from readers I included the names of whoever suggested them and which site they came from next to the titles. It seriously provided a great way for stress relief, so while some of them are a bit rough, I'm pretty happy with them. I even threw in a few little details hinting at some plot-relevant secrets.
Note: This series of omake includes numerous references to underage drinking. I do not support this in any way or form. You have been warned.
OMAKE INTERLUDE
Birthdays, Uzumaki-Style! — Prelude
"You want to know how to throw an Uzumaki-style birthday?"
Inuzuka Tsume shot Masaru a quizzical look, arching a single eyebrow. The Uchiha just shrugged, shifting uncomfortably under the penetrating gaze of her feral-looking eyes. "Well, yeah," he mumbled.
"And you're asking me because...?"
"You're the only, uh, living participant from the last one." A long silence followed, Tsume studying him critically. Then, her lips curved into a feral grin, her eyes glinting mischievously.
"Alright, pup. I can dig that. Let's do this."
Hours later, Masaru, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura and Kiba sat around Sakura's kitchen table, staring at a plain box on the center of the table. "Why are you here again?" Sasuke asked, arching an eyebrow at the Inuzuka.
"Ma forced me to come," Kiba grumbled, crossing his arms with a huff. "Said something about it being a good experience for me."
"Your mom says the key to an Uzumaki-style birthday is in this box, right?" Sakura asked, and he grunted, scratching his head.
"Yeah, I guess. Ma didn't say what was in it though."
"I never knew there was some kind of Uzumaki tradition," Naruto whispered, staring at the box with a strangely wistful look. Masaru just patted his shoulder consolingly.
"Well, let's open it up and see what's inside," Sakura decided, and leaned forward to open the box. All of the genin held their breaths as she opened the flaps, pulling out... a bottle? A long moment of silence followed.
"Is that sake?" Sasuke asked in disbelief.
"There's some paper in there, too," Masaru noted, leaning over the box to pull out a folded sheet of paper. Flipping it open, he read the contents and then hung his head with a groan. "You're kidding."
"Let me see that!" Kiba snatched the paper away and read it, his face twisting in surprise. "'Hey kids, the main secret to an Uzumaki-style birthday is to get drop-dead drunk. Might take a while for Naruto. Have fun!'"
A long silence followed, everyone exchanging hesitant looks. Underage drinking did not seem like a normal birthday activity, and all of them felt mildly uncomfortable. But then again, it was Naruto's birthday...
Five minutes later, five genin downed their first shots of sake.
Five hours later, Konoha was on fire.
There Can Only Be One
"So, we meet at last, Sunburst Sharingan-san..."
"I can say the same, Swirly Pumpkin-san..."
Electric sparks seemed to crackle between the two masked men as they stared each other down, their lone eyes glinting in the shadows of their masks. A dramatic gust of wind blew past them, ruffling their similarly short hair while their cloaks billowed in the breeze. "I have to say, I did not expect to see another guy in a mask," the one with the red mask commented.
"Me neither," the swirly orange mask agreed. "Looks like we have really similar tastes in clothing, too." The other slowly nodded.
"You know what this means, right?"
"Of course." The air seemed to still, and then they slammed their arms onto the table, locking hands in a tight death-grip as they tried to force the other's arm down. Cheers erupted from the drunk bar patrons as a crowd instantly formed around them, rooting for each man.
"I am the only one who gets a mask!" the first one growled, squeezing his enemy's hand tightly as he tried to force it down.
"Never! Tobi wore masks first so Tobi has the right by default!"
"Haven't you ever heard 'first is the worst, second is the best'?"
"That's just stuff kids say to feel better!"
"Says the guy who acts like an overgrown toddler!"
The two continued bickering loudly while trying to force the other's arm to the ground, ignoring the crowd that had amassed to cheer them on. Unnoticed to any of the bar patrons a black-and-white head peeked through the window, yellow eyes watching the impromptu arm-wrestling match with a mixture of disdain and curiosity. "Why are they arm-wrestling over masks?" White Zetsu asked.
"They're drunk," the black half responded flatly. "No one is immune to alcohol-induced stupidity." The other half hummed thoughtfully, and then they both sighed as the masked men abruptly crashed forward into the table.
If Kabuto Revealed the Truth Instead (fortheloveofb, AO3)
"A-Akari-chan was—k-k-killed by... R-Ryoko-san?"
Hinata stared at Kabuto in shock, her blood icy-cold as her stomach twisted painfully. Akari... Her childhood friend, her only friend, had been killed by her own mother? Nausea filled her at the thought, the world seeming to fade away so only her thoughts remained. Why? Why would Ryoko do that? Why did she kill Akari? Why didn't she kill Masaru too?
Oh, kami, Masaru. The thought of her first friend's twin prompted her chest to churn in apprehension. Her pale eyes flickered to the side to where Masaru stood, reading the file Kabuto had just presented them. His face looked strangely blank, his black eyes unreadable. Oh, kami, how would he react? His twin got killed by his mother, and—
"DON'T LIE ABOUT MY MOTHER!" Masaru screamed, suddenly launching towards Kabuto with a suddenly flaming fist. The silver-haired genin was too surprised to dodge in time and yelled as Masaru's fist made contact with his gut. Hinata just blinked, watching blankly as her former classmate wailed on the older male and set his clothes and hair on fire.
Well... Maybe she didn't need to worry about Masaru after all.
Birthdays, Uzumaki-Style! – In the Night
At one point in the dense fog clouding her memories, a single moment of clarity.
Sakura stands on the rooftop of the Ninja Academy, a kunai dangling from her fingers. Fire rages around her, consuming the world in a bright red blanket. Her lips feel heavy, caked in so many thick layers of lipstick they must be almost half a size larger than before. Below her she can see Sasuke thrashing as a throng of fangirls surge around him, clawing frantically at the sky with red-stained fingertips and pleas for help visible on his lips over the squealing. If she listens closely, she realizes the squeals sound oddly close to ominous chanting.
She looks down at her clothes, squinting in confusion. Ceremonial robes of some sort adorn her body, blue and black and red and white, and the kunai has been painted red and white in a pattern not unlike the Uchiha fan. She looks back to the crowd below, all wearing dark blue robes with red and white sashes, and quickly deduces she has somehow become the leader of a cult of Sasuke's fangirls.
Sakura thinks it over for a moment, and decides she is totally okay with that.
Her too-heavy lips curve into a smile, and her eyes glint with mischief as she makes a new decree to her followers.
"GET AWAY FROM MY MAN, CHA!"
She jumps into the fray, delivering a kick to the first rabid fangirl, and the haze takes over once more.
(Later, she gets another moment of clarity and finds herself at the head of the swarm of fangirls standing before a giant makeshift shrine erected in the Academy's training grounds. Candles illuminate countless shirts adorned with the Uchiha fan and a bunch of random weapons, and cast a golden glow on a mildly terrified-looking Sasuke who sits tied up and surrounded by cats of all things. Judging by the ominous chanting of the robed girls behind her interspersed with meows and nyans, and the fact her shadow has two triangle shapes protruding from her head, she realizes their cult has somehow incorporated the Uchiha clan's penchant for feline summons into their beliefs and has become a cult of Sasuke's Fan-Catgirls.
She is totally okay with that too.)
Gaara Finds the Truth (May525, FF)
"Kankurou. Temari."
The elder Sang Siblings flinched at their younger brother's voice, slowly turning to the doorway with faces carefully schooled mask their apprehension at his presence. The red-haired jinchuuriki stared at them with unreadable sea foam-colored eyes, a sheath of papers clutched in his hands.
"...Gaara," Temari greeted cautiously after a moment, dipping her head in acknowledgment. "Do you need something?"
"Yes." It took all of their willpower to ignore the instinct to flee for their lives as the youngest brother trailed into the room, extending the sheath of papers towards them. "I need help understanding this." Their eyes trained on the pages instantly, their skin prickling with anticipation and curiosity despite their general apprehension towards their brother.
Ever since arriving in Konoha, Gaara had been slightly different. He'd started showing interest in something, but they didn't know what; he only ever mentioned it to Baki, and the jounin refused to tell them. According to him, these papers should contain the answers to his unknown questions. So naturally, they felt very curious.
It took less than a second to make up their minds, and their hands shot forward at the same time. Kankurou barely managed to snag the papers before Temari could, yanking it from Gaara's grasp and out of her reach. He offered his sister an irritatingly smug smirk, making her scowl. "Hey, let me see!" she snapped, scooting over to peek at them, only to get a light shove.
"Wait your turn," he huffed, smirking as he held up the page so it blocked her view of his face. "Alright, let's see what we have..."
"Kankurou," Temari growled, her eyes flashing venomously. "You have five seconds to show me." No response. "Did you hear me?" Nothing. "Kankurou...!"
Snarling, she swiped at the pages and ripped them from his hands, only to freeze as she saw the pale look on his face. Pale and colorless, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide, and a slight glaze to the eye. Her anger instantly faded to concern, her eyes widening as she dropped the papers to grab his shoulders. "Kankurou? Kankurou, are you okay? What's wrong—?"
She stopped midsentence, her eyes slowly trailing to the papers in her hands. The papers... What did they say? She hesitated, and shot an apprehensive look towards Gaara. He watched her with a blank face. Kid should really try playing poker sometime. Swallowing, she slowly reached for the papers and lifted the cover, and...
The world froze, and her blood chilled.
"'A Study of Human Fertilization'?" she quoted.
Oh dear Sage of Six Paths, this was about how babies were made.
"I do not understand how it works," Gaara remarked flatly. "The terminology is too complicated for me to visualize the process properly. I asked Baki, and he directed me to you so Kankurou could explain."
"Me?" Kankurou squawked, snapping out of his stunned stupor. "Wh-what the hell?! H-how the fuck could I help?!"
"He said your puppets would suffice." Kankurou froze, the implications setting in. He made eye contact with Temari, and then whimpered.
Elsewhere Konoha, Kabuto looked down at the hand-copied file on Uchiha Akari sitting on his desk, his eyes narrowed in mild consternation. "...I gave Baki the wrong file, didn't I?"
Zombie Night (kirika o7, FF)
Uchiha Ryoko had a problem.
See, one minute she was dead.
And now she's been revived with the Edo Tensei, with obvious intentions to harm her son judging by the stricken look on his face.
They stand on opposite sides of the battlefield, Kabuto chuckling darkly behind her as he begins reciting his standard evil monologue. Her fellow Konoha shinobi stare at her with horror, clearly uncomfortable and reluctant about the battle stances they assume. The older ones look poised to flee, which, probably a good idea, since she had the Seven-Beam Sunburst on her side and could easily incinerate everyone there. Of all the people to be revived, she's probably one of the best choices from a strategic standpoint—
"Oh my gosh, you're so big!" she squealed, charging forward to lock Masaru in a tight embrace. He stiffened in her grip and dangled limply as she lifted him off the ground to twirl him around, and she just took the opportunity to squeeze him even tighter. "Ooohh, you're as tall as me now! I never thought I'd see the day! And your hair—you cut it! It looks so good!"
"M-Mom!" he stammered, his face glowing bright red with embarrassment. Nearby Sasuke made a choked sound, while Kabuto halted his monologue to stare at her incredulously.
"What the—you shouldn't be able to move of your own volition!"
"Never underestimate the power of an Uchiha's love," Ryoko responded, and released her shell-shocked son to face the man responsible for reviving her with a smile. "By the way, you weren't intending to use me as a weapon against my only son, were you?"
"I—" Kabuto cut off, his brain shutting down temporarily. "What?"
"Kabuto-chan." She offered him the sweetest, most polite smile possible, and her eyes flashed red oh dear kami that looks so WRONG what the hell abortabortABORT. "I am going to hurt you now."
A single scream rang loud enough to be heard all across the many battlefields, shinobi both alive and revived turning to look in the direction. "What on earth is that ruckus!?" Onoki demanded, his puffy white eyebrows furrowing in confusion and annoyance. Nearby Obito just sighed and massaged his forehead, muttering under his breath.
"I told him not to revive Ryoko..."
Birthdays, Uzumaki-Style! – Spray Paint and Feathers
At first, Kiba did not know why his mother insisted he attended Naruto's birthday party.
At some point though, somewhere underneath the alcohol-induced haze that consumed his senses, he understood.
Uzumaki-style birthdays weren't just parties, they were a rite of passage. A stepping stone to adulthood, a night where boys turned into men for a brief, magical moment.
He came to his senses briefly to find himself suspended upside-down from the ceiling of some unfamiliar bedroom. That weird senbon-chewing shinobi who proctored the third exam slept in a bed beneath him, totally oblivious to his presence. Naruto knelt next to his bed, his face stone-serious as he gingerly smeared a dollop of whipped cream across his nose.
Sweat beaded Kiba's brow as his fingers curled around the hollow shaft of the comically long feather, the soft feather-y part of the feather fluttering slightly. Still ever-stoic, Naruto looked up and gave him a small thumbs up, and silently retreated to the opposite side of the room. Kiba swallowed, and his eyes briefly darted to the side. Masaru stood next to him with a can of spray paint, his hair hanging from his head in a singular mass of tangles.
His head turned slightly to face him, and through that largely-impenetrable curtain Kiba glimpsed glowing red eyes glinting with demented glee and accompanied by a too-wide smile, wider than any smile he'd ever seen on the Uchiha. In that moment Masaru looked not like a human but a demon straight from the deepest pits of hell, having clawed its way to the surface to wreak all kinds of untold devastation and horror.
Somehow the sight calmed Kiba, and he turned to face the senbon-chewing shinobi with his resolve firmed. He reached out the feather, and brushed its tip against his nose.
Two minutes later, he fled with a snickering Naruto and a cackling Masaru as the farmer-wannabe chased after them, his face and hands smeared in whipped cream and spray paint. Little did their victim know this was all part of their plan, and Akamaru would be marking his apartment as his territory forever more.
Late Again (wecantgiggleitsacrimescene, AO3)
Six months had passed since Team Seven became an official team. Six months of working together under the most notoriously tardy jounin to ever walk the planet. They had grown used to waiting for hours on the training field, heck, they even incorporated it into their daily routine.
But this.
This was not okay.
A flurry of leaves, and a familiar masked face appears. "Yo, sorry I'm—"
"SIX HOURS!" Naruto exploded, a cloud of red chakra bursting into existence and coating his body. "WE WAITED SIX HOURS FOR YOU! WHAT THE HELL KAKASHI-SENSEI!"
"Maa, Naruto, calm down," the jounin demurred, waving a hand dismissively. "You're scaring your teammates—ah." He casually tilted his head to the side to avoid a volley of shuriken and kunai. "Sakura-chan, Sasuke-kun, your aim is a bit off."
"You left us here for six hours," Sasuke seethed, his Sharingan whirling to life as he glared at the man. "Six. Hours."
"Now, now, I know you're annoyed, but throwing projectiles at your teacher is still rude."
"Rude?" Sakura repeated through gritted teeth, her eyes flashing. "RUDE!?" At this point she was the only genin in the clearing who didn't have red eyes, but the murderous gleam was no less deadly. "WE'RE NOT RUDE! WE SKIPPED LUNCH BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU'D SHOW UP WHILE WE WERE GONE!"
"And I'm sorry, but I got held up."
"BY WHAT!?" All three genin shouted now, radiating varying degrees of bloodlust.
"Well, you see, I was on my way when I saw this gray cat stuck in a tree, and—"
This time he had to actually take a step to avoid the wave of projectile weapons and small fireballs. "Tell us the truth for once, you bastard!" Naruto roared, leaking even MORE Kyuubi chakra. Kakashi just hummed, his infuriating eye smile firmly in place.
"You want the truth? Okay then. I'll tell you." The three genin paused at that, the thick bloodlust permeating the air lessening as they leveled him with expectant looks. Kakashi's eye-smile grew.
"An old cat-lady ambushed me on the road of life and asked me to carry her groceries."
Team Seven's screams could be heard across the village.
So Very Pretty (yvonna, AO3)
Masaru stared at the kimono, his Sharingan meticulously scrutinizing every detail. Embroidered gold butterflies fluttered across the hem of the dark emerald-green garment, a matching golden obi tying it shut. He blinked, his eyes fading to black, and slowly turned to his teacher. "Why?" he asked flatly.
"I don't know," Tenzo said softly. "I... really don't know."
"Sometimes undercover missions do involve cross-dressing," Kakashi mused next to them, face buried in an Icha Icha book like always. "It's not common, but it's useful to be able to pull it off." He spoke with casual ease. Behind him, all of Team Seven looked incredibly pale and wide-eyed.
On the opposite side of the street Maito Gai cheerily led his unfortunate students on their daily jog around the village, his normal green spandex jumpsuit exchanged for a pretty kimono with his bangs pinned to the side with a butterfly hairclip and his face delicately painted with a light coat of makeup. His students looked unusually subdued and horrified, but mostly they seemed frustrated as they struggled to stay upright in the high wooden geta sandals which replaced their usual sandals. More than once they stumbled, Neji nearly slipped.
"Come, my youthful students!" Gai boomed, laughing boisterously. "We must train now for our next confrontation with our youthful Eternal Rivals!"
Behind Kakashi all three genin suddenly jolted ramrod straight, shooting their sensei incredulous looks. "You didn't," Sasuke whispered, looking unusually horrified. Kakashi simply lifted his eye from his book to flash the boy his characteristic eye-smile, and Sakura blanched.
"You did," she breathed, taking a shaky step back. Naruto looked at his teammates in confusion, as did Masaru. A glance at Tenzo, however, revealed a knowing look in the jounin's eyes.
"Senpai, this might be your most evil idea yet," he muttered. Kakashi's smile could be seen under his mask now.
"Guys, what's going on?" Naruto demanded, and then yelped when Kakashi ruffled his hair.
"Well, you see, my cute little genin, this morning Gai and I decided some friendly competition might be some good incentive for our teams to improve. And luckily for us, Anko happened to overhear, and proposed our first competition will be a basic test of your infiltration skills."
"Infiltration?" Naruto echoed weakly, and Kakashi's smile grew brighter.
"Maa, girls' kimonos come in a lot of colors and patterns. I spent hours picking the right ones for you! And of course I got a nice hakama for Sakura-chan, too." Team Seven winced and retreated three steps before vanishing in panicked blurs, not daring to glance back as they fled. Masaru just stared at their retreating forms, then at Team Gai, then at Kakashi.
"...The challenge is actually a race wearing geta, isn't it?" he guessed flatly.
"Yep," Kakashi confirmed cheerfully, his eye twinkling with mischief and mirth. "You won't always be able to wear standard shinobi sandals when undercover, so it's good to get practice with alternative footwear in case you need to make a quick escape. The cross-dressing part isn't part of it. I just want blackmail photos."
"Then why is Gai dressed like that?"
"Anko's idea. Said it would motivate them to finish their daily laps faster. She just smudged the details a bit about why it would."
"Like I said," Tenzo quipped dryly. "Evil." Meanwhile, the crowd of onlookers remained utterly silent as they watched Team Gai disappear down the street, shifting uncomfortably.
No one would admit it, but Gai somehow looked really good in that kimono.
Teacher and Student (Rosamarilla, AO3)
Haruno Sakura stared at the woman seated across the café in shock, her lunch temporarily forgotten in the woman's majestic presence.
Light seemed to filter through her pale blond locks to give it a soft glow, her bronze eyes glinted with a knowledge and confidence granted only by years of experience. Her ruby-painted lips parted in a small laugh as she delicately sipped from her martini, her cheeks dusted pink with a mixture of blush and drunkenness.
"Oh my goddess," Sakura breathed, lost in awe of the woman.
(Across from her, Naruto and Sasuke exchanged knowing looks. "She's gonna fangirl again, isn't she?" Naruto asked rhetorically. Sasuke didn't even bother answering.)
As if in a trance Sakura found herself rising from her seat, floating across the room towards the blonde goddess. The woman's musical voice drifted to her ears as she drifted closer, deep and mature with age, yet still so pleasing. Sakura's heart skipped a beat, allowing the almost musical tenor to consume her hearing until she heard nothing else.
("Yeeep, there she goes.")
Her hands wrung the hem of her shirt, her steps faltering slightly as she felt a small burst of anxiety. This woman—could someone like Sakura really go up to her? Sakura was a genin from a no-name family, her parents never rose past genin. And this woman—she was so much more. Did she even deserve to stand in the same room as her? Was she even worthy of—
"Hey, kid, do you want something?"
Sakura gave a small jump as the woman suddenly spoke, now facing her. Kami, her eyes... They glittered even brighter up close, they had so much red and orange to them. She'd never seen such beautiful brown eyes before. The woman's head tilted slightly, a strand of spun gold sagging into her face but not falling completely out of place, and her lips pressed together slightly as her perfectly manicured eyebrows furrowed.
("Oh crap, they've made contact. Should we—?")
"Okay, the staring is starting to get a little creepy, brat. If you want something, say it."
(The boys calmly set down their chopsticks and covered their ears.)
Permission to speak. She had to answer, so Sakura's mouth opened, and—
"OHMYGOSH LADY TSUNADE! OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH ILOVEYOUYOU'REAMAZING! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE TEACH ME!"
Tsunade recoiled violently as Sakura proceeded to ramble and squeal at the top of her lungs, the pink-haired girl's eyes sparkling with excitement. Across the café Naruto and Sasuke just looked at each other and sighed, their shoulders sagging in resignation.
At least she wasn't fangirling over Sasuke.
Birthdays, Uzumaki-Style! - Troublesome Plans
At some point in the chaos of the night, the rest of the Rookie Ten gets dragged into the festivities, along with Team Gai.
Shikamaru seriously has no idea how the hell he got caught up in the insanity of Naruto's birthday. Whenever he tries to remember, it's just blank. One second he was walking down the street with Chouji to get dinner, and suddenly his memory skips forward several hours and he's sitting on a hill with Ino sagging against his shoulder, giggling drunkenly as she tries to loosely braid flowers into his hair, while Chouji leans against a nearby boulder with a giant tub of popcorn. Blinking into lucidity, Shikamaru quickly assesses the situation, and decides the most pressing issue is probably whatever Masaru, Naruto and Tenten are drawing in the dirt.
"What are you doing?" he asks, eying the runes they've etched into the dirt warily.
"Fuinjutsu," Tenten replies primly, not looking at him.
"...You know fuinjutsu?"
"We read a book once," Naruto proclaims proudly.
"We're gonna make Konoha go boom!" Masaru adds cheerfully, turning to grin at Shikamaru with an almost demonic amount of glee.
Huh. Is this Shikamaru's first time seeing fully active Sharingan?
Blinking slowly, he glances at the runes they're drawing one more time, mulls over the potential consequences if they make a mistake, and reflects over how, as a Chuunin, he should probably try to stop this before something goes horrible wrong.
"Eh, too much effort," he decides with a shrug, and turns to Chouji. "Hey, Chouji, toss me a chip?" His best friend obliges without a word of protest, pulling a chip from the bag and tossing it over to him, and it lands in Shikamaru's hand with an oddly wet plop. He sniffs at the oddly soggy chip, and is assaulted with the smell of alcohol. It occurs to him this might be the source of his memory gap, and he might want to avoid it.
Masaru cackles as the seal array lights up, and Shikamaru decides remembering whatever happens next will be too troublesome.
He takes the chip and eats it, and then there's merciful blackness.
Sleepover with Gaara
Masaru stared at Gaara, smile frozen in place.
Gaara stared back.
Unblinking.
Masaru's smile grew tighter as he silently wondered just how the hell his awkward attempts at conversation somehow ended in proposing a sleepover during the night. And also why the hell Gaara accepted it.
The silence stretched on.
"Um, do you have any pajamas?" he asked politely. "I can go to another room if you want to change—"
"I don't need them because I don't sleep.
A pause.
"...Oh, cool." Masaru's voice came out like a croak.
Gaara kept staring.
"Mother says she wants your blood," he finally declared, and Masaru flinched . His facial muscles might be frozen.
"That's nice," he replied in a way-too-high voice. "My mother's dead." Gaara's eyes narrowed, his head cocked to the side.
"...Mother says you're funny."
"Thank you."
Outside the hotel room, the horde of Leaf and Sand ninja crowded around the door with their ears pressed against the wood silently mimed smacking their foreheads. "Why did we agree to let this happen again?" Izumo hissed.
"I have no idea," Tenzo/Gaku whispered back.
"Sage, this is bad," Temari groaned.
"What was that he said about your mom?" Genma asked under his breath, and the Sand ninja all froze.
"...Multiple personalities?" Kankurou offered hesitantly.
"...Multiple personalities."
"...Yes. Multiple personalities." Baki nodded. "Sure. Let's go with that."
...The Leaf ninja decided not to press it.
A Reason to Learn
"Father, please teach me the fireball!"
Fugaku stared at his youngest son as he knelt prostate before him, head touching the floor and hands splayed out. Maybe he should be proud to see him asking, but something about how desperate he sounded felt... off. "Sasuke," he said after a moment. "Why do you want to learn it?"
His son stiffened before he slowly raised his head, and Fugaku's blood chilled. Sasuke's face held a cold determination that fit someone several years older, his dark eyes glimmering with steely resolve. "I need to burn it," he declared coldly. "I need to burn it now."
A cold sweat dripped down his back, and he swallowed. "Burn what?" he asked.
"The omamori."
Omamori? Fugaku stared at his youngest quizzically, questioning what this was about. The quiet sigh of his eldest broke his thoughts, and he turned to see Itachi standing in the doorway, a mournful expression on his face as he frowned at his brother. "Foolish otouto," he said sadly. "You can't burn it."
"What? What do you mean I can't—"
"It's filled with fireproof seals. Not even lava can destroy it."
Sasuke's face fell, looking like he'd been punched in the gut. "No... Y-You're lying! You have to be!"
"Sasuke..." Itachi just looked at him sadly. Tears pricked the younger boy's eyes as he scrambled to his feet.
"No! Nonono! I won't believe it! I'll find a way to burn it, I will!" He screamed and raced off, sobbing all the way. Itachi glanced at Fugaku with a slightly dismayed expression, and then quickly ran after him. Fugaku stared after them with a lost expression, confused by the scene he just witnessed. His thoughts were ended by a low giggle, and he turned to see Mikoto standing in the doorway with a pleasant smile.
"Oh, aren't they cute?" she asked sweetly, her black eyes twinkling deviously.
Fugaku took one look at his wife, looked at the evil gleam in her eyes, and experienced a brief flashback to Uzumaki Kushina. He shuddered.
"...Yes," he agreed blankly. "Yes, they are."
He decided he'd be better off not knowing.
Birthdays, Uzumaki-Style! - YOUTH
Rock Lee sways on his feet as he stands in the center of a circle composed of his youthful peers, their youthful cheering echoing loudly in his ears. The world is spinning around him and he can't think clearly, but their youthful cheers of support encourages him, fueling his youthful determination to... to... What was it again? Oh yeah, that's right. "Neji, I challenge you!" he slurs, staggering forward with his arms raised in front of his body in a youthful fighting pose.
Neji remains silent.
"Quiet as ever, I see," Lee notes. "However, that will not stop me tonight! We have put this off too long! Tonight, I will prove the value of a genius of hard work!"
"Lee-san..." He hears Neji's timid but youthful cousin—Hinata?—whisper his name behind him. Her youthful voice is deathly soft, full of youthful worry and concern, and for a second Lee hesitates, his steps faltering—
"Go, Bushy-Brow, go!" Naruto roars behind him, and just like that, Lee stands up straight again, his youthful resolve reaffirmed.
That's right. Tonight is Naruto's youthful thirteenth birthday, the first he has ever spent celebrating with his family's youthful traditions of imbibing alcoholic beverages, and it is for his youthful amusement that Lee has summoned his youthful resolve to formally challenge his youthful rival. He turns to flash the youthful blond a giant youthful grin and thumbs up, and he hopes it comes off as youthful and bright as Gai's does.
(Youth!)
"Understood, Naruto-kun!" he declares youthfully, and turns to face Neji. "Now, Neji, we fight!"
With a strangely slurred yell the youthful spandex-wearing boy lunges at his opponent, swinging his fist. A resounding crack echoes through the air, and the crowd goes silent.
Then it winces and utters a sympathetic hiss as Lee releases a high-pitched squeak and cradles his broken hand.
Hinata squeaks and covers her face, while Kiba lets out a low whistle. "Damn. That's gotta hurt."
"'Course it hurts," Shino concurs next to him, his words slurring as he leans against him. "He punch'id a boulder. Dat hurts." It should be noted his manner of speech sounds way funnier because it was kinda drawn out, but sadly that kind of talking does not translate into writing very well.
"Whose idea was it to paint Neji's face on the boulder again?" Kiba asks, squinting at the crude drawing of Neji painted on the boulder. It didn't even have color except for the white eyes, just a black outline. Alcohol clearly had some sort of magical properties.
Naruto and Masaru pointedly look away while whistling.
Although the evil smirk Masaru sports kinda takes away from the innocent act.
(Youth!)
If the Chuunin Exams Arc went According to Canon and Sasuke Runs Away to Orochimaru
"Sasuke, just to double-check, why are you leaving Konoha?" Masaru asked.
"Because Orochimaru can give me the power I need to kill that man," Sasuke replied, not looking back at him as he leapt through the trees.
"Uh-huh, uh-huh... And you think Konoha can't give you that power because...?"
"Orochimaru killed the Third Hokage. Meanwhile, that man," he spat the word, "took out Kakashi with a look. Clearly, Konoha's standards are below what I need."
"Fair enough," Masaru allowed. "One more question though: why the hell are you taking me?" He shot his cousin an annoyed glare, not able to do much else considering he was currently tied up and strapped to Sasuke's back like a backpack as the other boy leapt from tree to tree.
"You are the last living family member I will acknowledge," Sasuke responded flatly, still not bothering to look at him. "If Konoha can't give me the power to kill that man, then there's no way in hell they can protect you." Masaru just groaned and let his head fall back against Sasuke's, staring at the forest blankly.
"Right, sure. Hold on, just a second. HEY GUYS! WE'RE OVER HERE!" Sasuke nearly slipped as Masaru basically screamed in his ear, halting with a hiss.
"Idiot! Are you trying to let them find us!?" he hissed. Masaru just stared at him flatly.
"...Duh. NARUTO, SHIKAMARU, WE'RE HERE BY THE BIG OAK TREE!"
"Stop it!" Sasuke hissed, slapping a hand over his mouth.
"MASARU! SASUKE! WE'RE COMING!" Naruto hollered in the distance, and Sasuke's shoulders fell with an exasperated groan. Masaru just smirked smugly, totally content to wait for his other friends to come save him and knock some sense into his idiot cousin. Who said playing damsel in distress wasn't always fun?
Ryoko and Shisui
"Aunt Ryoko, who's that?" five-year-old Uchiha Shisui asked, blinking at his aunt/cousin/technical-half-sister curiously. (Having identical twins for mothers was weird.)
"Oh, this is Yashamaru-san," Ryoko replied breezily, her gaze focused on the canvas. "He's a political prisoner from Suna who's too important to be tortured, so I'm in charge of housing him instead."
"Oh." Something about that sounded strangely serious and kinda off, but after a moment Shisui decided to let it slide. "Wait, is he a guy?" Ryoko paused, and turned to look at Shisui with a fond smile.
"Oh, silly Sui-chan, of course he is," she assured him sweetly. "Granted, I haven't seen any proof, but he says he is so I believe him."
"There is something horribly wrong with you," Yashamaru groaned, his cheeks growing even pinker under the light dusting of blush. Shisui studied him curiously, eying his pretty dark blue robes with colorful red and purple and gold accents, tied together with a red and purple sash. Not exactly a kimono, but still really pretty and formal-looking.
"You're pretty," Shisui complimented him with the innocence only a five-year-old can possess. Yashamaru groaned and hung his head, his sandy hair falling in front of his eyes.
"Why did I agree again?"
"Because you're my latest muse, of course," Ryoko replied cheerfully. "Now raise your head, I need to get the eyes just right!" Yashamaru reluctantly raised his head, his blue eyes looking dead inside.
(Years later that Shisui would stand in the Kazekage's office, staring at a portrait of a pretty woman in blue and purple robes who the plaque declared to be the Kazekage's wife, and he would feel a silent twinge of remorse for his younger cousins/technical-niece-and-nephew, or maybe half-niece and half-nephew...?)
(Seriously, having identical twin moms is REALLY weird.)
Birthdays, Uzumaki-Style! – Not Again
It took Naruto a long time to get drunk. Longer than he expected, in fact.
It took Masaru two shots to get drunk.
Naruto thought Masaru was a really funny drunk. He got into all kinds of trouble, he just ran around playing pranks constantly. Some of the ideas he'd conceived during this glorious night made Naruto sniffle with pride, and he felt genuinely honored to be in the presence of such a pranking genius. If only Masaru could be like this all the time.
At this point they've somehow ended up alone, and Masaru was just clinging to him while swaying violently, pointing out all kinds of random stuff with this really happy excited energy he normally didn't have. "And o'er there's the houshe where Mashahige likesh to steal tuna!" he declared, cheerily pointing to a small bungalow. "They never realized it was him though.
"Tuna? That sounds gross," Naruto responded. "Ramen'sh da way ta go!"
"Yeah, I dun' like tuna," Masaru agreed, and then nudged Naruto's ribs with his elbow. Naruto, caught in the throes of drunkenness, lost his balance from the jab and almost fell over, but Masaru easily snagged his shoulder with one hand while using the other to point at an alleyway. "Look, kitty!"
The raccoon stared at them with a quizzical look as it sat atop the trash can, its eyes glinting in the dim light which managed to enter the shadowy alley. "Oh, yeah, a stripey kitty," Naruto said with a sage nod. "Those're rare, aren'tay?"
The raccoon decided it would be wise to get away from the strange humans, and abandoned its trashcan perch to retreat into the darkness. The boys chorused in dismay, charging towards the alley. "Come back! We just wanna pet'oo!" Masaru screamed.
"I can't see it!" Naruto whined. The alley was too dark.
"Me neither—wait, oh yeah." Masaru suddenly stopped and switched on his Sharingan (was that how you phrased it? "Switched On"? Meh, who cares?), using its heightened ocular abilities to survey the darkness for their new raccoon kitty friend. Naruto made an impressed sound, stopping to stare at the bright red orbs. They glowed really bright in the darkness, naturally drawing one's attention to it, and they looked kinda pretty.
"Woah, your eyes look awesome," he breathed, and Masaru turned to face him. Their eyes locked, and suddenly the alley faded and they stood in a sewer facing a looming shadow.
And just like that, Naruto's drunken buzz vanished, replaced by stone-cold sobriety as he stared up at the Nine-Tailed Fox. "Oh, crap," he whispered, face draining of color. The Fox leered down at the two humans with glowing red eyes, his gaze lingering on Masaru, and then—
"Not again," he groaned, head flopping into his paws in utter exasperation.
Kushina's Fifteenth Birthday
Kushina stared at Ryoko in horror, her drunken buzz totally dashed as she covered her mouth. The Uchiha stared up at the fox bound to the wall with bulky stakes impaled through his limps, abdomen and tails, straining against the chains binding him. "Filthy Uchiha scum!" he snarled. "Get those bloody eyes away from me!"
Ryoko just stared at him, the alcohol pink tint to her cheeks the sole bit of color on her pale face. Kushina watched her anxiously, gnawing her nails as she waited for her friend (please please PLEASE still be my friend) to say something, anything. This was not how she wanted Ryoko to find out—actually, she never wanted her to find out. How was she supposed to know that the Sharingan would let her enter Kushina's mindscape!?
"Kushina-chan?" Kushina stiffened, her breath catching in her throat.
"Y-yeah, Riko-chan?" she stammered, her voice WAY too shaky.
"Is that the Nine-Tailed Fox?"
"...Y-yes?" Oh sweet Sage, when this was over she swore to never, ever, EVER touch another drop of alcohol so long as she lived—
"Can... Can I pet him?"
The Kyuubi stopped its thrashing to stare at the Uchiha girl incredulously, mirroring the stunned look Kushina sported. "...What," it deadpanned.
"Your fur looks so soft!" Ryoko burst, fluttering towards him with a giant smile. "Please, please, PLEASE can I touch you? I just want to pet it, just a li'l bit, not too hard, and—"
As she continued to ramble drunkenly, the fox slowly turned his head to meet Kushina's gaze, the jinchuuriki and bijuu for once in perfect agreement on something:
Uchiha Ryoko should never be allowed to touch alcohol.
This Almost Happened in the Invasion
Tenzo grimaced as he dove out of the alley, weaving through the thick wave of kunai hurled his way. People had been attacking him left and right since he left the stadium, and he was getting sick of it. He didn't have time for this, he needed to get to the seal array so he could restrain Gaara!
"Going somewhere?" a voice asked from above, and he skidded to a halt and shot a wary look at the rooftops, hands raising in preparation to form a seal, only to freeze. An unfamiliar figure in a black cloak crouched on the edge of the roof, hood pulled over his head to cast a shadow on a blood-red mask. Tenzo's blood chilled, his eyes widening in recognition of the mask with a twisted black sunburst.
This was the man who kidnapped Kakashi.
Any plans to just run away vanished as he turned to face the man, feet sliding into an offensive stance as he formed the beginnings of a hand seal. "What do you want?" he growled warily, glaring at the dangerous stranger. "Are you back for Kakashi?"
"Nah, I'm done with Kakashi for now," the masked man replied with a dismissive wave. "I'm here for you, sweet-cheeks!"
Tenzo's brain halted as he processed the words.
"What." Oh dear kami was this guy after the Mokuton now!?
"Well, if you want to be exact about it, it's less me stalking you and more I just happened to see you running by," the man continued breezily, apparently oblivious to Tenzo's growing horror. "This is more of a happy coincidence for me." Then he blinked out of existence and Tenzo stiffened, eyes darting around in apprehension and wait was he slinging his arm over his shoulder?
Yes, yes he was, Tenzo thought with a giant spike of panic as the stranger jovially slung an arm over his shoulder, pulling him closer in a sort of friendly manner. "I missed you so much, Tenzo-chan!" he boomed with a loud chuckle. "It's great to see you again, old pal!" As he spoke the stranger raised his other hand to intercept a kunai aimed straight at them, catching the loop on the its end with a single finger and then expertly sliding it into his hand to throw it in the direction it came from. He never looked away from Tenzo as he did this, the action taking only half a second to complete, but even so a scream echoed from the direction he threw it.
...It suddenly occurred to him that this guy might be more dangerous than he originally thought. And seeing as his reported repertoire of skills already included medical surgery on an endangered doujutsu and goddamn teleportation, that was saying a lot.
"Anyways," the stranger continued blithely even as Tenzo grew ever stiffer under his arm, "What're you up to? You seemed like you were in kind of a rush. Need a lift?"
"I... Wh-what?" Tenzo sputtered, his heart stopping.
"You look like you were headed towards the forest," the stranger noted cheerfully. "Why don't I give you a hand?"
"W-what are you talking—" Tenzo cut himself off with a scream as the world suddenly blurred around him, and suddenly the war-torn streets of Konoha was replaced by a lush overgrown forest. He staggered and fell to his knees with a gasp, clutching at his head to stop the spinning.
"Oh, sorry, probably should've warned you to get ready," the man commented sheepishly above him. "It's kinda rough the first few times." Tenzo just shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut to block the blurring of the world.
"W-what the hell do you want!?" he yelled.
"...Maybe just a quick one?" the other replied sheepishly, and Tenzo lifted his head to demand what the hell that meant when—
Something warm and soft pressed against his lips.
It took approximately two seconds to process that the warm something was, in fact, another pair of lips, and at that point his brain proceeded to shut down. The stranger pulled back and pulled his mask back over his mouth, offering him a small wave.
"Bye Tenzo-chan, it was nice seeing you again! Good luck with whatever you're after!" He blinked out of existence, and Tenzo just sat on the ground with a glazed look in his eye.
He was still sitting there when several of Kakashi's ninken showed up, staring at the spot the stranger had occupied.
Who the hell IS that!?
Birthdays, Uzumaki-style! — The Aftermath
Masaru groaned softly as his consciousness stirred, slowly zoning into reality. His eyes refused to open, requiring way too much force to pry his eyelids apart, and once he did he slammed them shut with a groan. Too bright... Everything's so bright. He moaned softly as he remained laying in place, trying get a hold of the situation. His head... Damn, it really hurt. And why did the ground feel so lumpy?
Wait...
Alarm surged through him as he slowly sat up, holding his head as the motion caused it to swim. Rubbing his eyes, he forced himself to pry them open one more time and tried to ignore the light as he looked around.
Bodies littered his apartment's living room, immobile and distorted by the stripe-patterned shadow cast by the slats of the window blinds. His breath caught in his throat, a spike of horror banishing any remaining drowsiness. Falling back, his hand scrambled for support and brushed something soft and fuzzy, and a glance downward revealed... gray? His sleep-addled brain gave him pause, staring at the color sleepily.
The gray thing shifted under his grip, and Masaru's eyes moved to lock with a pair of terrified beady black eyes belonging to a random raccoon, the small mammal staring at him with no small amount of terror.
Masaru's brain shut down for approximately five seconds.
Then he screamed, and the others in the room all snapped to consciousness with a chorus of more shrieking, bolting upright in varying states of shock and alarm. Then more shouts followed as they recognized the positions they were in.
Lipstick stains of varying colors smeared Sasuke's face, Sakura seemed to be wearing a cat onesie with ceremonial markings painted on her face, Kiba and Akamaru had apparently been using Chouji as a pillow, Chouji had been using Shikamaru as a pillow and upon waking had accidentally shifted into a position which currently smothered the boy, Neji and Ino's hair had been braided together, Lee wore a red jumpsuits instead of green, Shino and Tenten both had a lot really wobbly scribbled marks vaguely resembling seals painted on their faces, and Hinata—
Hinata opened her eyes to find herself snuggled against Naruto's chest, and upon realizing this she promptly fainted and fell back onto his chest. The blond fell onto his back with a small "oof," staring at the ceiling totally bewildered.
"What the hell is going on!?" he yelled, but no one had an answer.
While the Rookie Ten struggled to gain their bearings, across the village.
Outside the small room, the rest of Konoha woke up to scenes of devastation across the village, several buildings now sporting technicolor paint jobs and nearly every store window covered with some sort of graffiti. At the Academy, Umino Iruka surveyed the charred landscape of the training field with a stricken expression, the wooden posts reduced to smoldering lumps and countless test papers torn and sprinkled across the ground like confetti.
"I... How?" he whispered, struggling to find words. "How did this...?" As he trailed off, next to him Sarutobi Hiruzen just sighed and shook his head.
"It appears Uzumaki-style birthdays will haunt me until the day I die," he murmured wryly.
Kushina's Fifteenth Birthday — The Aftermath
Ryoko moaned softly as she stirred from consciousness, flinching at the light pounding in her head as her body gently bounced. "Ugh... frick, my skull."
"Take it easy, Riko, you got really drunk last night," someone commented quietly, the jostling lessening ever so slightly as... something, shifted around her thighs. "You'll have a hell of a hangover." She groaned again, rubbing her cheek against the firm fabric-coated surface... huh? Puzzled, she forced one eye to pry open ever so slightly, just enough to glimpse the dark blue fabric. At the angle she could just peek the outer rim of a red circle, so...
She hummed, letting her eyes close. "Ryuusuke, where're we going?" she murmured.
"My house. No way am I leaving you to deal with a hangover alone." Ryoko nestled against his back, her lips lifting into a faint smirk.
"Careful, I'm an unwed teenage girl. What will people say if they find out?"
"I hardly think that's the largest concern," he quipped dryly. "Considering I found you unconscious in a pile of flaming debris spooning Mikoto. And that doesn't even touch on the packs of feral dogs and cats having a turf war outside the academy. I think the Hokage will want to talk to all of you when this is over." His voice took on a slightly scolding note but he still spoke softly. That was nice, it didn't hurt too much.
"I blame Shina. She's the one who brought out the sake."
"Riko, you are so much trouble," Ryuusuke sighed, and she could imagine him shaking his head, his dark brown bangs falling into his eyes without his hitai-ate to keep them tied back. Her lips curved into a more genuine smile, her fingers curling around the fabric of his shirt as she leaned her head against his back.
"But you love me anyway," she murmured, and his steps paused, a moment of silence falling.
"...That, I do," he agreed quietly, and resumed walking.
