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And now, back to our regularly scheduled Disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: I. Don't. Own. The Square characters.

So cram it and keep reading.

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ENTRY EIGHTEEN:

Rise and shine, 'cause it's payback time.

Today we're starting out our hunt for the Syndicate, and I've got a feeling that those damned Goons are going to learn the true meaning of pain. From me. You know, Paine. Except without the "e". Because that's how you really spell "pain". I mean, as in the kind inflicted on your central nervous system, not the person.

...Wow, I really failed, there. Let me start over:

Today we're starting out our hunt for the Syndicate, and I've got a feeling that those damned Goons are going to learn the true meaning of pain, from Paine. We're all set up and ready to head out at any time. Buddy claims not to have any leads on the Syndicate members, but I heard him muttering the locations in his sleep. I don't even want to know what he did to get that information, but nevertheless, those thoughts will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Our first stop down the line is Gagazet. I take it that Yuna knows someone there from her pilgrimage. Apparently, he's the Ronso elder. Perhaps I can bribe him into letting me stay on the mountain, away from all these insane people...

Oh, looks like we're there. I'll try to write again after we get the uniforms.

-Paine. Maybe a future Ronso. We'll see.

ENTRY NINETEEN:

Okay. Forget the Ronso. They are just as bad.

What the hell is wrong with them? First of all, most of them looked like they wanted to seriously hurt me. I don't blame them...if some sphere hunter came into the mountain where I lived and defiled it, and they were less than half my size, I'd stomp on them, too.

Secondly, what's with the broken speech? If they're speaking a second language, I would understand it, but as far as I know, there is no such language as Ronso. Maybe they think speaking in incomplete sentences makes them look tougher. If that's the case, they should know that it's not working.

Well, at least we found the Syndicate members. And about time, too...that was one long-ass haul up the side of the mountain. Just when I thought we had 'em, Yuna insisted that we keep climbing. "Ooh, it's only about 20 more feet!" she said. "Let's see if we can sneak up on them!" she said. Suuuuure. Tell you what, Yuna. You trek up the side of the rocky crag, I'll go in and just kick some ass.

Of course, Yuna's word is evidently the law for the Gullwings, so we had to follow. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that much more of a climb. However, once we hit the rock overlooking the spring, it all went down from there. Literally.

The rock we were standing on crashed into the spring, scaring off the Syndicate members. They left their uniforms behind, though, so I guess some good came out of it.

Some good.

You see, after that whole escapade, Yuna (bright as she is) suggested that we go for a swim in the hot springs. I thought, meh, sure, what harm could come of that? Besides Rikku, of course. I even made sure to sit far away from her in the springs, but she still crawls her perverted ass over to me. I swear, if I had my sword nearby, she would have been gutted so fast that she'd be dead before she hit the water.

Rikku: Wohhhhh! Hah! Look at Paine!

Me: -gouges eyes-

Rikku: ...Oh, well.

Me: I'm going to beat the shit out of her. Care to help?

Yuna: ...Sure!

Rikku: Awww...no way!

Yuna and I: Yes way!

Rikku: ...Poopie.

Me: -punch, kick, pummel, maul, maim, slaughter, terrorize, strike, pound, batter, beat-

Brother: What's going on?

Yuna: We're taking a dip.

Brother: Wohhhhhhh! I'll be right down.

Me: Not a chance in Yevon.

Buddy: Amazing kung-fu grip! -thwack!-

YRP: ...WTF?

Buddy: He was out cold before he even wobbled.

Me: ...

I swear, if she ever pulls anything like that again, she will pay dearly. I'm exacting my revenge even as I write.

-Paine, evil plans and all.

ENTRY TWENTY:

Rikku is about to experience the most humiliating moment of her entire life.

In my planning for revenge on Rikku due to the hot springs fiasco, I'm about to embarrass the hell out of her. Yuna even helped me, which surprised me somewhat. It took all day, but I finally thought of the perfect plan to get back on her...

Dream hypnosis.

When everyone went to bed, Yuna and I stayed up with a sphere camera and snuck over to Rikku. I'd try to explain how absolutely hilarious it was, but...well, it's best described by writing up a transcript of the whole event.

Me: ...Okay, got the camera ready?

Yuna: Wait. How do I turn it on again?

Me: Ugh...that button over there.

Yuna: Why aren't you doing the recording?

Me: Because I said so. Now, are you going to help or shall I repeat the plan on you later?

Yuna: ...Eep!

Me: You remember the plan, right?

Yuna: Uh...we're manipulating Rikku's dreams, right?

Me: Exactly. Now, sit back and watch the master. Are you sure she's asleep?

Yuna: Looks like sleep to me.

Me: Good. Now, keep recording. Ahem...Rikku?

Rikku: -still asleep- Mmmphr...uhhhhmmmmm...who...who's there?

Me: It's me...Gippal.

Rikku: Gippal...is that you?

Me: Yes, Rikku. Oh, how I've missed you so much. Every day without you is like a plague upon my soul.

Rikku: Oooooohhhhhh...Gi...Gippal...

Yuna: -whispering- (Is she buying it?)

Me: (Looks that way. I can't imagine why...Gippal doesn't sound like this at all.)

Yuna: (Hmm...let's keep going, anyway.)

Me: Right. Rikku...

Rikku: Mmmmmm...Gippal?

Me: Yes, Rikku?

Rikku: Why...why are you here...Gippal...

Me: To tell you how I really feel, Rikku. (Yuna, I can't take much more of this. I think I'm gonna throw up.)

Yuna: (It was your plan.)

Me: (Ugh...let's just get it over with.) Rikku...your hair...it is like gazing into an endless field of sunflowers...(Ugh, kill me now, Yuna...)

Rikku: Oh, Gippal...

Me: Your eyes...ah, your eyes! Those swirling pools of green gazing back at me...time after time, it takes my breath away...(This is too weird...)

Yuna: (...Yeah. Better finish anyway. She might regain consciousness soon.)

Me: (Right.) Ah, Rikku...my dearest Rikku...

Rikku: Gippal...oh, Gippal...

Me: Rikku...

Rikku: Gippal...

Me: Rikku...(Jeez, how long can she go on like this?)

Yuna: (Pfft. I don't know, I've never done this before. Let's just hurry, I feel guilty for torturing my cousin.)

Me: (Suuuuuuure you do.)

Yuna: (What!)

Me: (Nothing, nothing.) Oh, Rikku...

Rikku: Oh, Gippal...kiss me, you fool...

Me: Anything for you, my love. -places a moogle doll in her arms-

Rikku: -proceeds to make out with the moogle doll-

Me: (This has singlehandedly got to be the most hilarious blackmail ever.)

Yuna: (Even I don't like being so mean...but it's so funny!)

Me: (Wow, you're sounding a lot more evil today.)

Yuna: (Yeah, I guess it must be the spite left over from the hot springs.)

Me: (That's why you helped, isn't it?)

Yuna: (Yeah, but...she owes me 500 gil, too.)

Me: (Oh, alright. Better get Lulu's doll back...she's using her tongue.)

Yuna: (Ewww...)

Me: (Ugh. I don't even want to be near that thing now.)

Yuna: (Let's just get out of here.)

Me: (Yeah, let's.)

Yuna and I: -turn off sphere camera, haul ass-

Oh, revenge is sweet. Much like that sugar candy Rikku's obsessed with. I stole one while we were in her room...they're actually pretty good. Mmm.

-Paine. Muahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!

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Whew, another chapter over. Hope you liked it. It's easy to make fun of things now, sure, but I don't know what the hell I'm going to do when I reach the later sections of the plot, where Paine actually starts to like everyone and encounters all the situations she's really serious about, i.e. the Den of Woe.

cowers in fear of writer's block

No! Not the block! Anything but the block! Nooooooooooooooooooo!

-JB