Remus threw up. Twice.
The brassy taste in his mouth seemed to mock him as he leaned his head back over the toilet to surrender the contents of his stomach to it once more. He fell back and leaned against the wall, dragging his hand across his mouth.
A shaky hand raked through his graying hair and he sighed heavily as he finally felt his insides relax slightly.
"Fuck."
After a few more minutes, he dragged himself to his feet and stumbled towards the sink. The reflected face staring back at him was fairly green and rather gaunt and he noticed that he was in desperate need of a shave. He ran his hands under the faucet and let the cool water splash over his face lightly. He looked up into the mirror again, only to find Tonks' concerned, heart-shaped face peering at him from the doorway.
"You look awful."
He laughed bitterly as she walked towards him and he stiffened as he felt her hands on his shoulders. This wasn't a talk he wanted to have again.
"You don't look so good yourself," he said flatly as he continued to watch her through the glass. He immediately regretted the words as he saw her face, a mixture of shock and pain. But in another second, it was gone and features set in a steeling glare stared back at him.
Her hands left his shoulders as she stepped back to lean against the wall. "You don't have to keep doing this, you know. He's already told you its too dangerous to continue. It's been a lost cause since you began." She was concentrating very hard on the worn bathmat on the floor and not on him.
He turned around and leant against the sink. "It's not your decision, its mine. And when I feel that there isn't anything left to do, I'll stop. Until then, I will try…even if I don't have to," he added after another look from her.
Tonks' anger got the better of her and she stepped towards him, her eyes alight with fury at the stubborn man before her. "Physically, you can't keep doing this, Remus! You're going to kill yourself! And for what? For all those nameless faces that would just shy away from you after finding out what you are anyway? Your sacrifice will mean nothing to them, but here, here it means something. There are people here who care about you. What about them, Remus? What about me?" her voice was barely a whisper as she looked up at him.
Remus turned away towards the door. "What about you, Tonks? We've already had this discussion. We-I can't. You know that." He folded his arms protectively in front of him and looked down at his feet.
"Is that why you're still doing it? So you don't have to deal with me? You'd rather physically hurt yourself than have to be in the same room as me, is that it?" She could hear her voice cracking.
Remus scowled. "Don't be ridiculous." But his eyes still never met hers.
She could feel the hot tears running down her cheeks and the stinging in her eyes at the onset of more of them. "Perhaps Snape was right. The new one does look weak." Her words came out in a choke, but the resentment was unmistakable as she pushed her way passed him through the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
He winced at the noise and felt his stomach clench up once more. But this new sick feeling he knew would not go away, no matter how many more times he vomited that night.
"Fuck."
Tonks turned the corner and came face to face with Molly.
"Oh! There you are dear. I wanted to ask you, will you be joining us for Christmas? We'd love to have you. I'm sure Rem-"
Tonks cut her off, stiffening at the mention of his name. "No thank you, Molly. I uh…No that's all right. But thank you for the invitation." She moved towards the door but Molly caught her arm.
"Are you all right, dear?" she asked, taking note of Tonks' tear stained cheeks.
Tonks forced a smile. "I'm fine, Molly. Thanks again for dinner. Tell everyone I said bye. I'm just going to slip out the back." She grabbed her coat and walked to the kitchen door, wrenching it open with more force than was probably necessary.
It was early December but there was already a thick blanket of snow on the ground. Tonks turned up the collar of her jacket against the wind and disapparated with a small pop.
Molly watched her from the doorway and only turned back to the kitchen once the distressed Auror was gone. Remus was standing near the stove, watching too.
Molly sighed. How she wanted to shake him, beat him about the head until he realized what a pillock he was being for denying the one thing that could bring the two of them happiness. She settled for, "Are you feeling better, dear?"
Remus nodded. "A little."
Molly closed the door before turning back to look at Remus. She stared at him for a minute, calculating the words she wanted to say next, trying to judge what he'd think of them. She finally spoke. "She doesn't want much, you know. Just you."
Remus looked out the window and shook his head. "She couldn't be happy, not with me."
Molly put her hands on her hips. "And she looks happy now does she?" Her voice hinted at exasperation, any reserve left in her voice that she saved for outside of the Weasley family was starting to clear away.
"That's not the point, Molly. Tonks deserves more than what I have to offer. I'm old, I have no money, and I'm a bloody werewolf! She shouldn't lower her expectations just because we're in the middle of a war."
Molly put a comforting hand on his arm. "When exactly has that excuse ever worked on her? She doesn't care about that." When he didn't say anything, she sighed and placed her hand on his cheek. "I'd give almost anything to have you see yourself the way we see you, Remus Lupin."
She started to walk back towards the living room when she turned to him again. "And anyway, it's not a question of what she does or doesn't deserve. She wants you and that should be reason enough for you to stop being so ridiculous about it."
Remus nodded at the words as she left the room. He'd heard it all before of course, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. She was right, Snape was right. He was weak.
Remus walked out of the kitchen and into the living room where Molly, Arthur, Bill and Moody were sitting. He raised a hand in greeting, then proceeded to massage his left shoulder with it.
"Thank you for dinner, Molly. I think I'm just going to be on my way now."
They exchanged goodbyes and Molly tried to get him to stay the night, insisting that in his condition, he shouldn't be apparating anywhere. But he didn't want to cause trouble and insisted that he would be better off in his own bed that night.
After he had taken his cloak, he opened the kitchen door and walked out. Remus could just make out Tonks' footprints left in the snow and he noticed just how small they were.
A flicker of something akin to adoration for those tiny footprints, was promptly shoved to the dark recesses of his memory, determined to bury any false hopes.
He had been determined to spend Christmas alone, not wanting to sour anyone's day with his morose and wretching self, but had graciously accepted Molly's offer with the comforting thought that he would see Tonks then. Whether she was angry with him or not, he would still see her, making his Christmas all the more merry (if of course, it was to be merry at all).
His much larger footprints were left next to hers as he too apparated away into the chilly December night.
A/N: The title of this is from a Smith's song, in case you be wondering. Cheers for reading.
