Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
Tonks awoke with a start. She sat up quickly, then soon realized it was the biggest mistake of her life. Well, second biggest as she remembered the last words she'd said to Remus before she left the Burrow. She sank back into her pillow, her head throbbing.
The rest of the evening after that had been a bit of a blur. She remembered disapparating from the Burrow, but in her agitated state, she hadn't gone very far. After a few minutes deliberating on the nearest park bench, she decided to walk down the road to the seedy pub on the corner. Merlin knew exactly what she was looking for, but by the looks of the place, she could have found anything inside.
It was surprisingly warm and rather inviting on the inside. The few patrons of the establishment all looked as though they knew each other and they talked quietly amongst themselves. She walked up to the bar and ordered a pint, something she'd only done once before when she passed her Auror training and they had all insisted on taking her out and getting her good and sloshed.
She perched herself on the edge of one of the barstools and sipped slowly from the tall glass the bartender had placed in front of her. She stared at the amber liquid in her glass and watched the little bubbles travel from the bottom just to disappear into the foam at the top.
Tonks didn't really want to think about Remus at the moment, but her mind, the backstabbing traitor that it was, kept wandering back to thoughts of him. She sighed as she tried to remember the last time she had spoken to him without being angry. Its not that she wanted to be angry with him, quite the contrary in fact, for much to her dismay, she found herself falling even more hopelessly for him. But he had been so stubborn, so adamant at quelling all hopes for a relationship that despite all the signs or hints she swore she saw, he did not seem to share her affections.
As she finished her first pint and ordered another, Tonks couldn't help but repeat his words over and over in her head, as if they were some sort of mantra. Too old, too poor, too dangerous… Was it just his pathetic way of telling her he wasn't interested? Come to think of it, had he ever told her he was or wasn't interested at all? Perhaps all those incidents she had been reliving in her mind were just skewed memories. Maybe they had been altered by her subconscious to fool her into thinking he felt anything more for her than friendship.
She turned around as she heard the door to the pub open, the wind and snow whistling in from behind the newcomer.
"Oh. Merlin's. Bollocks." Tonks whispered under her breath as she watched Remus brush the powdered snow off his cloak and walk towards the bar. She turned away quickly, pulling her coat closer around her. She noticed him walking closer out of the corner of her eye so she did the first thing she could think of.
She almost tripped over her own two feet as she made her way into the toilet, but recovered her balance enough so as not to draw any attention her way as she disappeared behind the door. She clutched the sink compulsively and stared hard at her reflection in the mirror.
Previously she had been furious at herself for having trouble with her Metamorphosing, but had finally resigned to quit trying to change for awhile. But as she stood watching her terribly recognizable reflection, she wanted nothing more than to change into a completely different person. She shut her eyes tightly, her features now scrunched up in concentration.
"Please. Please. Please," she whispered under her breath as she sort of rocked herself back in forth in front of the mirror. She tried to concentrate on grey hair, grey eyes, wrinkled features. It was one of the only sure disguises she could come up with where he might not immediately recognize her, nor draw any attention from anyone else.
"Come on," she said again and opened her eyes. All she had gotten was a half hearted attempt at changing anything. Her mousy brown hair had a few grey strands of hair and one eye was slightly grey, though it rather looked like there was a bit of a film over it. There were no new lines across her face and her attempt at metamorphosing into an old woman had only changed her appearance to the point of where it looked as if someone had tried to spray her hair with bits of grey paint.
Tonks walked over to the door of the toilet and peered through the crack where it did not stand flush against the wall. Remus was sitting at a table in the corner far away, she noted, from her abandoned pint. She also noticed he was now talking with a wiry old man who was waving his arms about dramatically. Remus didn't seem all that enthralled by the man's fantastic tale, but he listened politely all the same. Then he started to talk and Tonks wanted nothing more than to hear what he was saying, so she crept surreptitiously (well, as much as she could manage) back to her seat, making sure not to let her face glance in his direction.
"…and its been like that for weeks. But what can you do, right? I mean, its not like I can tell her. It would just encourage what can't happen anyway." She could hear his voice clearly above the dull noise from the other voices. Her peripheral vision picked up the old man nodding and stroking his chin sagely.
"Yeah, quite right. Bit of a pickle, that one…Yeah," he said, leaning back in his chair when he almost fell out of it. He was quite clearly hammered. "And why exactly can't you be with this bird?" he asked.
A wry smile flickered over Remus' face for a moment before he took another sip of his pint. "Well, I'm too poor for one. I wouldn't have her squandering. No, I couldn't do that to her. I'm older than she is by more years than I care to think about. And I happen to turn into a werewolf every month. Isn't that fun?" he asked and the man nodded again. Clearly the werewolf part had gone straight over his head or he had taken it as a joke in his inebriated state.
"Yeah, that does present a bit of a problem, that does." Remus could hardly contain his bitter amusement as the man seemed to be pondering what Remus had told him.
Tonks was feeling a bit light headed, a combination of what Remus had said and the just finished third pint she had downed. As she was halfway through her fourth, she noticed Remus shift slightly as his gaze was traveling in her direction. She swiveled around on her stool until her back was to him and she held her breath for a moment as if that would help make her less noticeable.
She fumbled quickly in her pocket for her money and set it down on the bar. Quickly, she stood up and strode to the door, being sure to keep her face as hidden as possible from him as she passed his table. As she pushed her way out into the cold, she took a few more steps and then disapparated to her apartment immediately. Even if in her deepest of hearts she may have wanted him to follow her, she couldn't confront him. Not yet, not after she'd said those things to him.
Tonks stumbled through her front door, her mind fogged by alcohol and her completely confusing and infuriating feelings for one Remus Lupin.
As she crawled into bed, she was determined not to let him pervade her dreams, as he had done so often recently, many times the consequence being her sitting up for hours as she pondered what could possibly have gone wrong between them.
But as she lay there, she couldn't help but go over what she'd overheard in the pub. She was quite sure she hadn't dreamt that up from her imagination. He'd been sitting there, plain as day, confessing to that drunk stranger about how he did feel something for her but that nothing could happen.
She fell asleep with the comforting thought that perhaps maybe there was the smallest of chances for everything she wanted to come true. The thought that maybe he did feel for her was with her as she slept that night.
As she crawled out of bed to fix herself tea, she noticed the Weasley's owl, Errol was sitting on her windowsill. She untied the small note from his leg and gave him some water.
She read the letter quickly as she poured the hot water over her tea bag.
Dinner this evening. Burrow. Business. Perhaps the night so bring provisions.
Molly.
Despite herself, Tonks smiled. Burrow and business meant Remus. Perhaps she'd have a chance to reconcile things before Christmas after all.
A/N: SO originally I thought that the first one was just gonna be a one shot, but its evolved slightly. Uh yeah, so Cheers for reading!
