Congratulations, you've done it again! You have all succeeded into frightening me into writing more of this tripe with your reviews and your emails and your obsession and your DEAR GOD YOU PEOPLE GO OUTSIDE ONCE IN A WHILE.

Tripe's a fun word. So is rumple, if you think about it. Just...say it out loud with me. Rumple.

Rrrrrrrrumple.

Rumple rumple rumple.

Alright, before I turn into the Hamburglar, let's keep this twelve-chapter freak show on track.

Now that all our IQs have dropped a few dozen points, let's move on with the brain rotting story you've been following so far known as FFX-2 (made tolerable). Also, have any of you played blitzball in this one and seen Paine do that weird dodge thing where she just kind of rotates in a windmill fashion? Her body doesn't even move, it just...flips up and down. Like someone tied her to a dowel.

Thought it was worth mentioning. Now, let's kick the beat!

(I do not own any of these characters, Square, Enix, Squenix, Ms. Jackson, Outkast, or that game where I got "let's kick the beat" from. Just...so you know.)

-JB

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ENTRY THIRTY EIGHT:

As I write this, there is a man screaming at the wall behind me, an underpaid busboy scrubbing the counter, a ring on the opposite page from a half-full beer mug, three old men playing cards even though none remember the rules, and a drunken hypello softly humming the words to a song long forgotten by the rest of the world.

I am in a bar in Luca, and I am in heaven.

I convinced Buddy to let me sneak off the ship while the others tried to figure out where that first Cactuar is. Knowing their combined brain power without Shinra helping, it probably shouldn't take long.

Scratch that, damn it. Buddy just beeped into my communicator to let me know that not only have they found three of them, but that they have also finally noticed that I'm missing. It's still going to take about fifteen minutes for them to get here, but there's one more Cactuar left to get, so I better prepare, evidently. To me, this "preparation" entails about three shots of Al Bhed Beer Bombs, another Hypello Highball, and about a pint of lager. My liver is a rock. Alright, lemme just call over the bartender, and I'll see if this helps me dull the desire to dash my brains out on the counter.

alrigh i got my drinks an i feeel lot beter cuz i drunk em in like two second an i was waitin like ten minues jus see what happen an im jus so happyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

-baine o wait hah hah

ENTRY THIRTY EIGHT:

On the ship again. Yevon, I gotta learn to stop getting completely wasted on the job. I mean, I know it's probably the best way to ignore how much I both hate and, strangely enough, enjoy my job, but still. I'm going to die from alcohol poisoning before I hit 25. Yuna tells me they came to pick me up two days ago and I haven't been conscious enough to do anything until now. At least they waited until I was in good enough shape to get off the ship and help. Everyone was gracious enough to see that, oh hey, you guys, Paine's drunk, maybe we shouldn't do this now. Except Brother.

Bastard.

We just went to find some of those Gatekeepers, and believe you me, it wasn't easy. I didn't even get to do anything...I just kind of sat back and laughed as Yuna managed to miss every single shot. The best part was when she managed to not only miss the target, but hit a cliff. A cliff that was behind her. She tried to shake it off and salvage some dignity, making herself look "cool" by spinning her guns around a couple times after it was all said and done, but she ended up just shooting herself in the knee. I'm telling you, there was blood everywhere. (Un)fortunately, Rikku was able to whip out a potion just in time, so she ended up being just fine. I still hurt from trying to hold in laughter the whole way back to the airship, though. I actually laughed so hard that I cried onto the pages, so some of the words are gonna end up smeared. Oh well, it's not like I don't know what it sablrghfnd----...damn it.

-No. Not now. Headache.

ENTRY THIRTY NINE:

Well, after we found out that the last Cactuar's mother isn't going to talk for a while more, we decided to get back to the real, more urgent, more life threatening task at hand, which is trying to control those damned Aeons. I never knew just how amazingly powerful those damn things were until I fought one...I'm telling you, after a trek that long to all the temples in Spira, including the store O'aka had in Macalania, those things can kick some major ass. Wow. I mean, seriously. I may jibe Yuna a lot about how terrible a fighter she is, but if she used to have control over those things...

Wow.

I mean, just...wow.

I think I need to sit down for a while.

We've just received a message that finally, Gippal has admitted that they can't control their Aeon, so I guess it's just this one last trip out and then that's all of them. What makes it worse is that this one evidently has a great power over lightning, Rikku's greatest fear. She says she's gotten over it, but the damn girl is obviously still scared to death. She's shaking so hard that Barkeep put a margarita mixer on her head and is utilizing her current state to make himself some beverages. They're quite good, he claims. I've decided that, after a few days ago, I don't really feel like drinking enough to puke all over the deck, so I had to turn down his offers of sharing a few drinks with him. This crew is really spending way too much time getting shitfaced. He was probably just trying to get me drunk enough to get into my pants...OH SWEET YEVON EW OH NO NO NO NOOOOO

Wow. Okay.

Evidently, I don't need liquor to vomit up the entire contents of my digestive system.

Shaking that thought out of my mind, we're almost there. I'll write again after this is all done. I can't promise it'll be a long entry, but...

I...I just...

I'm sorry, I can't get that image out of my head. I need a moment. Hypello sex...I shudder at the thought. Man, screw Barkee...oh no no no not like that.

-Ewwwww.

ENTRY FORTY:

Oh no.

Oh no.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Yuna is gone.

It was...I mean, it was all going so well...we had...we were just...and the Aeon...and...and then...

I'm sorry, let me compose myself. I can't do this, not now, of all times.

Yuna was...after we defeated that Aeon, I think Ixion was its name, we went to check out this hole that had appeared...I mean, there was a hole at each of these damned temples...and she just got curious and...she lost her grip...what I'm trying to say is...Yuna...she fell in.

She's gone.

We don't know if she made it to the bottom alive, or what happened after she fell at all...Shinra ended up throwing a commsphere into the hole, but it never did receive a signal...at least, not yet...

I just, I just don't believe it. I know I didn't like Yuna that much...she and Rikku were two of the most annoying people I've ever met, and she was always too giving, and she wasn't that great or useful at all in battle, but nonetheless...I guess...I guess she was my friend. I suppose that's what I'd consider her, one of my friends. This is one of the few times in my life that I'm actually worried about someone else, so I suppose that she is important, somehow. Maybe...maybe I've been taking this all for granted. Maybe I should open up to people more often. Maybe, just maybe, I was wrong about her, Rikku, and the rest of the Gullwings this whole damn time.

God, I need a drink.

-Paine.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

OMG SUSPENSE! At least, it would be if we didn't all know that Yuna makes it out alive. Unless I just spoiled that for you. In which case, what the hell are you doing here?

I know it ended on a sadder note, but I figured there should be at least one entry where Paine has some revelation that would actually explain how they got her to open up in the last parts of the game. I tried to let on gradually that she was tolerating the others more and more, then instantly reverting back to hating them, but I just got fed up with it and decided to do it in the last entry.

I know you'll all start emailing me again, but that's alright, I've grown accustomed to it. Open my inbox, read mail from my family, read mail from my friends, read about how I can enlarge my penis, read about how I can enlarge my breasts, read mail from fans. Fans who, by the way, don't seem to want the chapter to end. In which case, they won't have to finish reading the chapter if they just don't finish this sentence.