A/N: Sorry I've taken so long to update. I've been busy trying to get everything ready for moving out (woot, college!), plus this chapter was being a pain in the arse to complete. I'm still not completely satisfied with it, but I wanted to move on because I'm having better thoughts for other chapters. Ok yeah. And uh, Remus might be a little ooc in this chapter, but its supposed to be a few days before the full moon, so who knows. Anyway, enough rationalising, and more getting on with the story. Cheers for reading!
Panic
Remus knocked politely on the front door at the Burrow. A shuffling from inside ensued and he could hear someone right on the other side.
"Who is it?" It was Bill. Remus thanked Merlin it wasn't Arthur as he would have insisted on asking those ruddy questions. The idea was marginal in principle as it was but seemed all the more ridiculous when actually carried out.
"It's Remus, Bill. Open up! It's bloody freezing out here." Remus heard the locks and spells being undone and suddenly Bill was standing in front of him, grinning.
"'Lo Remus. How're you?" Bill asked as he escorted him in. Remus shrugged as he placed his cloak on the coat rack.
"I've been better. But I've also been worse," he looked around. "Where is everyone?"
Remus sat down in a chair as Bill lounged on the sofa. "Oh, well Mum's in the kitchen getting dinner ready, I think Tonks may be helping her but I haven't seen her, Dad's still out at work and no one else is here yet."
Remus nodded and glanced towards the kitchen door. Bill watched him for a moment. "I don't think she's mad at you anymore," he said after a minute.
"What?" Remus asked as he tore his eyes away from the door.
Bill grinned. "Never mind."
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to come over for Christmas? I'm sure the children would love to see you." Molly was standing at the stove watching the stew in the pot bubble.
Tonks lifted her head from the table. "Molly, I-Well, I'll let you know," she said resigned.
"…And Remus will be here as well." Molly hadn't really seemed to notice that Tonks had responded. Tonks rolled her eyes. She got up and put her hands on Molly's shoulders.
"I'll go set the table for you," she said as she gathered up the plates and silverware. Tonks winced as her toe hit the large dining room table. The plates she was carrying started to teeter dangerously.
"Bugger!" she yelled as she tried to balance them. But it was too late, the entire stack was upended. Deft hands caught the falling flatware.
"Thanks," Tonks muttered sheepishly as Bill set the plates on the table. Tonks shifted her gaze to the doorway where Remus stood, his hands shoved in his pockets.
"Dinner'll be ready soon," she said as she made her way back into the kitchen. As the door closed behind her, Bill turned to Remus, his eyebrow raised suggestively. Remus rolled his eyes as the two sat down at the table.
Soon, a few scattered members of the Order were sitting down to one of Molly's homecooked meals. It was the least she could do before they had to settle in to discuss business, something that was never very pleasant lately.
Tonks set a basket of rolls down on the table and spotted an empty chair next to Remus. She slid into it quickly.
"Hi Remus," she said quietly. He looked up at her for he had been staring at his food as if absorbing it through his eyes.
"Hello Nymphadora," he replied, absently buttering a roll. She stiffened.
"You're still angry with me aren't you?" she asked incredulously, her eyes narrowed. Remus hesitated for a moment, taking longer than necessary before setting the roll back on his plate.
"I never was angry with you," he said innocently. He watched her as she digested the information. She nodded briefly.
"Then why did you call me by my first name?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, it slipped," he said, his voice raising slightly. All eyes at the dinner table fell on the two at the corner of the table and they both looked down into their food.
"Sorry," Tonks mumbled, swirling her spoon around in her bowl.
After dinner, they left for the living room where they were to discuss business that evening. Snape arrived shortly after they had eaten, he never came to dinner (to most everyone's secret relief).
The night was long, the issues they talked about were both thoroughly boring and depressing to Tonks who spent the time when she should have been listening, wondering how to get Remus alone to talk to him. For Remus, the clever man that he was, had expertly avoided being alone with her all evening. He had even resorted to talking to Snape to avoid the inevitable conversation with Tonks.
And Tonks was tired of being avoided. But it was all worth it, right? After all, she hadn't imagined all those times, all those certain little incidents that served to point her in the right direction. Had she?
Just as she was about to be completely confuddled, she noticed Remus stand up and stretch. He walked over towards the hallway and Tonks figured he was going to the bathroom. Pushing aside the thought that this was the second time in a week she had stalked him in the toilet, she waited a few minutes and then got up and went in the same direction he had.
Remus looked into the mirror and sighed. He didn't remember his face looking quite so…old last time he'd looked into that mirror. And that had only been last night.
"You are an old man, Lupin," he said to the reflection. He sighed heavily as he placed the fraying towel back on its rack and closed the door behind him.
He wasn't going to say he was surprised to see her standing there in the hallway, but it was still awkward as he closed the door and came face to face with her once again.
"Oh hi, Nym-uh Tonks," he said wearily.
She shifted uncomfortably where she stood. "I uh, didn't get to say what I meant to say earlier. I'm sorry. You know, about what I said yesterday."
Remus nodded. "Its ok, I-well I probably deserved it, didn't I?"
Tonks sighed. "Its just, I get so frustrated when you do that to yourself. I care a lot about you and…you just don't see it do you?"
Remus ran a hand through his hair. "I don't really want to talk about this again, Tonks," he said. He tried to make it sound as dismissive as he could.
She took a step towards him. "Remus, I-"
He put up his hand. "Please, just…don't."
Tonks stepped closer to him. "Why not? What exactly is keeping us apart?"
He avoided her eyes and focused instead on a mysterious spot on the wall behind her. "There are too many complications. You know that."
She shook her head. "I'm not a child! I can make decisions for myself, you know!" at first, her voice raising and then dropping to a low hiss.
Tonks placed her hands on his shoulders. "I love you. You and any complications that come with the territory. I don't know exactly what it is you think I need protecting from, but I don't need it."
Her face was level with his, forcing him to look into her eyes.
And suddenly he did something that neither of them expected. He grabbed her wrists tightly and slammed her against the wall.
Tonks was so taken aback that she didn't know how to respond. She didn't even seem to realize what was happening until she felt his lips crushing against hers.
It was a bruising kiss, searing and harsh, not at all what Tonks had expected kissing Remus would feel like.
He broke away from her but leant his head in close to her ear.
"This," he hissed in her ear, "Is this what you want to feel?" He still had a fierce grip on her wrists, now pinioned them to either side of her against the wall.
"What?" she breathed, shivering from his hot breath ghosting over her neck.
He was watching her now, a feral look in his eyes. "This Tonks. This isn't love. This is lust."
His grip tightened around her wrists. She started to panic. "Remus, please let go. You're hurting me."
He bent down and kissed her neck, almost carnally. She started to struggle. "I thought complications weren't a problem, Tonks?" He bit at her neck this time, eliciting a quiet yelp from her.
"C'mon baby, I thought this was what you wanted?" he growled, leaning in close to her again, kissing away the tears that had started to fall.
"What is wrong with you, Remus?" Tonks' breathing was shallow. She felt his grip loosen and she shoved him backwards.
"Remus?" She caught his face in her hands. "Remus look at me," she said fiercely.
But as his eyes met hers, any anger or violation she may have felt towards him dissipate. All fire had left him and the pained look of remorse on his face told her that he hadn't meant to hurt her.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking at the floor. "Do you see now? Do you see why I can't do this?" he asked, his tone pleading with her.
"Do you love me or don't you?" she asked suddenly. "Just tell me, Remus. If you say you don't have any sort of feelings for me, I'll leave it alone. I won't bring it up again. But I need an answer. You owe me that much." Now she was the one pleading.
She tried to find something in his eyes to give her some idea, perhaps some hope. But as always, his expression was unreadable. She brushed some of the hair away from his forehead. "I love you," she whispered.
Remus sighed as he brought his hands up to hers and pulled them away from his face. He stared down at their hands together. "I don't love you, Tonks."
He felt her stiffen and he could feel his own chest constricting. It was the best for both of them this way.
"Look me in the eye and say it," she demanded as she felt the onslaught of more tears.
Remus gazed into her big brown eyes and when he realized what he was about to say, he felt like vomiting. "I do not love you, Nymphadora."
She pulled her hands away from his roughly. "Very well. Thank you for being honest with me, Remus. I…I have to go." She started down the hallway when Arthur appeared in the doorway.
"Ah there you two are. Tonks, Molly was wondering if you were spending the night? Oh, and also if you plan to join us for Christmas. We'd love to have you."
Tonks shook her head quickly. "No, I won't be over for Christmas, and I have to go home now so…" She trailed off as she glanced back at Remus briefly before brushing past Arthur and into the other room.
Remus' eyes did not leave her until she was out of sight. Arthur watched him curiously. "Are you all right, Remus? You don't look too well. Perhaps you should get up to bed. Full moon's only a few nights away, after all." Arthur guided him back towards the kitchen. "Come on, I'll get you a nightcap."
Remus could see Tonks talking with Molly about something, her coat already pulled up around her face. He watched Molly hug her and escort her to the front door.
"Here we are." Arthur set the glasses down on the table and pulled out two chairs. He watched Remus warily, but Remus seemed quite subdued as he sank into the chair.
Remus watched the dark amber liquid of his firewhiskey. It seemed to glisten in the lamplight of the large kitchen. He looked up as he heard Arthur clear his throat softly.
Arthur took a sip of his drink slowly. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked as he set the glass down on the table again.
Remus took up his glass and downed it in one gulp. "I panicked," he said matter of factly. He stood up quickly. "Thanks Arthur, but I think I'm going to just…go off to bed now," he said slowly.
Arthur nodded as Remus turned away towards the door. As he climbed the stairs, his legs felt as though they were filled with lead and he still felt characteristically queasy. Once he reached the room he was sleeping in, he collapsed onto the bed, hoping that in the morning, he felt at least a fraction better than he felt at that moment.
