A/N: I'm sorry I've been so long in updating. I was moving out for school so I've been busy. But anyhoo, here is the next chapter! Cheers for all the lovely reviews, they brighten my day. And Cheers for reading! Oh yeah, and I'm still using Smith's songs. Woot! (Except I tweaked this one just a bit…hehe).

Merlin Knows I'm Miserable Now


Tonks sat in the small kitchen of her tiny apartment poking a spoon into a bowl of porridge. She made a face as she watched it stick to the end of the spoon. She shivered and her tiny socked feet came up to rest on her chair, away from the cold floor.

It was the morning of Christmas Eve and she was trying to justify her reason to shut herself out of scheduled festivities.

The events of the other night with Remus still made her shudder. Not because of what he'd done, but because of how she had reacted. She had realized afterwards that it had been close to the full moon. This only enraged her with herself further. She had not put up a convincing front that she could handle Remus, no matter what, and he had taken notice.

"Of all things to take notice of," she said out loud. "He doesn't pay attention to half the things I do, and when he does…well." She got up and dumped the bowl in the sink.

In the living room, she flopped down on the sofa, watching the fire as if expecting someone. But no one would come. Everyone was at the Burrow enjoying wonderfully Christmasy things without her. She could have gone with her parents to visit her father's family. That was usually torture beyond any explanation and she decided a few years ago never to embark on that particular adventure again.

Of course, she could always show up at the Burrow without an invitation. Molly had said so herself. But Tonks couldn't bear to face Remus so soon after he had told her that he didn't love her.

She had to admit, no matter how strong she claimed to be, nothing could have prepared her for exactly how much pain those six little words would cause her. And that wasn't even the worst of it. Not only had he crushed any hopes she had been building up for herself, but she had promised him not to bring it up again.

Perhaps, he might've finally given in to everything if she had kept at it, but now she couldn't. She had been the one to have the final say in how it all turned out and now, nothing could be done about it.

Time passed and she didn't seem to notice the sun starting to dip below the city skyline and the long shadows of the buildings filtering in through the window. She'd barely moved from the sofa all day. Lost in her thoughts and waves of self pity, she hadn't felt like doing anything at all. Eventually, she pulled herself up from the sofa. With great effort, she stretched her arms over her head and stumbled to the kitchen. Her stomach growled at her fiercely but she didn't want to eat. Instead, after inspecting the fridge carefully, she was able to pull out something she hadn't thought was still in there. Vodka.

She reached for a small glass, but reconsidered and grabbed a larger one. Settling herself back down on the sofa, her small tabby, Linus curled himself up next to her feet. Pouring a glass for herself she started to sip it slowly, then rapidly changed her mind and downed it.


Kingsley wasn't sure exactly how long Tonks had been drinking, but he knew as soon as he stepped inside, that it was time for her to stop.

"Tonks?" She was stumbling back from the door after letting him in. Her left hand held a glass sloshing alcohol over the floor and her right held the offending bottle.

She stared at him. "Yes?" she asked as she fell back onto the couch, spilling more vodka onto herself and the cushions.

"Are you feeling all right?" Kingsley asked as he attempted to grab the glass out of her hand. Once he had ascertained it, she shrugged and lifted the half empty bottle to her lips.

"Nymphadora, look at me!" he barked. Her eyes, glazed over with inebriation, trailed slowly upwards.

"Mmhm?" she asked.

"Give me that! Now, I don't want to know what's going on since I already have sort of a hunch. Come on, get up." He held out his hand but she refused to take it. She sat, immovable until Kingsley picked her up.

He lifted her easily and carried her to her bedroom. Once he placed her on the bed, she curled up and started to sob. Kingsley sighed. He wasn't very good at this sort of thing. He'd never really known what to say in front of girls and he was definitely at a loss for words in this situation.

"King?" asked a meek voice from the bed. Kingsley looked at her. Tonk's cheeks were still wet with tears and her eyes were red and puffy.

"Yeah, Tonks?" he answered tentatively.

"If you were in love with someone, you wouldn't fight the feeling right? You'd just let it happen?" She sat up and leaned her back up against the headboard to get a better look at him.

Kingsley hesitated. He had the feeling he knew exactly what this was about, but he didn't have any clue as to how to proceed.

"Oh Tonks, I um-I don't know if you really want to talk ab-"

"Just answer the question, King!" she said loudly.

He sighed. "Look, Tonks, I know that Lupin might be a little hard on himself, but I'm sure he'll come 'round."

Tonks snorted derisively. "Yeah right. The day he professes his love to me is the same day I start accepting my first name as Nymphadora. I'm not done!" she said sharply as Kingsley opened his mouth to speak again. "Look, I know Remus is never going to admit it. I've come to terms with that. But it…hurts." The last word came out in a whisper as she slumped back down into the pillows. Her bottom lip started to tremble and tears filled her eyes again, though she tried to make them go away.

Kingsley shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Is there um, anything I can do for you, Tonks?" he asked, taking pity on her small form huddled amongst the bed linens. But she was already asleep. Her breathing had become steady and deep, though every once in awhile she gave a shudder. He didn't want to leave her there by herself. He didn't want her to have to wake up in the morning, having to face her hangover alone.

Thinking about all the lines he had already crossed that evening, what was one more? He pulled the squashy armchair up next to her bed and sat down. As he closed his eyes, he envisioned his wife waving a very large broom at him as she kicked him out of the house for abandoning the family on Christmas Eve. He thought about how difficult it would be to explain why Santa had forgotten some of the presents in the closet because he hadn't gotten home in time to place them. But Kingsley found he couldn't leave his co-worker, his fellow fighter, his friend, to face her sadness alone. After all, no one deserves to be alone on Christmas.


Remus had to thank Harry. Well, for many reasons, he had to thank him. But on this particular night, he had to thank the boy for keeping his mind on something else besides the very absent Auror.

But as Remus climbed the stairs to his room after a very nice Christmas Eve eggnog, he was once again painfully reminded of one Nymphadora Tonks.

"…hasn't been 'round all day. I wonder if she's coming tomorrow?" Ginny's voice floated down the stairwell, stopping Remus at the door to his room.

"Perhaps she's on a job. Lupin's just finished with things for the Order, maybe she's doing something as well." He heard Harry say.

"Yeah, but its Christmas!" Clearly Ron.

"I don't think Death Eaters take holidays, mate."

"Yeah, but no one deserves to be alone at Christmas."

Remus felt a stab of guilt. After all, how could he not pretend that he was the one who had driven her away? Every night since then, he had lay awake thinking what would have happened if he hadn't chosen to say those words. He thought about where he would be now if he truly told her how he felt. But he couldn't, shouldn't subject her to the tragedy that was his life. In his mind, the pain of rejecting her now would be far less than the guilt he would feel tying her down to such a volatile…creature, such as himself.

He lay down in bed and stared up at the ceiling. Ever since he'd watched her walk away, so totally defeated, a great feeling of emptiness had filled him up. Usually during the day, it was easy for him to push the awful feeling aside, but as he lay there in the dark, it was so much easier to long for human companionship. To crave a warm body next to his. Regret would forever be his bed fellow.

Turning over, he shut his eyes and tried to think of anyone but Tonks. He found it near impossible. Perhaps he would go and check on her tomorrow. After all, tomorrow was Christmas.

"And no one deserves to be alone at Christmas," he said out loud, softly to himself.


A/N: yeesh, could I have used that Christmas line anymore? i guess that's the theme this chapter. :) Cheers! oh and hopefully the next one will be longer.