I Started Something I Couldn't Finish


Remus woke with a start. As he lay there, it took him a moment to figure out where he was. After another moment, he also remembered that it was Christmas morning.

He inwardly groaned. He was of course grateful to the Weasleys for letting him spend the holidays with them, but to try and put on a cheery face 24/7 was tiring.

Remus stumbled out of bed and was nearly run over on his way to the bathroom. Ginny was running around with a gold chain as Ron chased after her, a furious look on his face. Harry followed behind them, smirking amusedly.

"Happy Christmas!" he said cheerily as he passed. Remus exchanged the greeting and continued towards the bathroom.


For the second time that month, Tonks woke up feeling like shit. Her head felt like it was going to explode and the fuzzy, cottony sensation in her mouth didn't do her sensitive gag reflex any good at all. She sat up quickly and groaned as the sunlight hit her. A noise beside the bed made her jump. She turned and almost fell out of bed at the sight of Kingsley Shacklebolt sleeping in her armchair with his feet up on her bed.

"King!" she yelled loudly, painfully reminding herself of her splitting headache. Kingsley gave a snort and opened his eyes.

"What? Oh my neck!" he moaned as he rubbed his sore neck.

Tonks was wide eyed and had pulled the sheets way up past her neck as she remembered she was still in her pajamas. "What are you doing in my bedroom! Come to think of it, what are you doing in my apartment in the first place?"

Kingsley rolled his eyes at her sudden adoption of dignity. "I-"

"Wait a second!" Tonks interrupted, eliciting another eye roll from Kingsley. "Isn't it Christmas? Why aren't you at home? With your family!" A panicked look spread across her face. "King, we uh-we didn't umm…you know?" she asked, her face turning bright red as she looked down.

"What? No! Tonks, if you'd let me finish?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. She seemed to calm a bit and nodded.

"I came by because I wanted to pick up those maps you had. Well I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I assumed you were probably at the Weasley's, so I turned to leave. That's when I heard a noise inside, and I thought you might be in trouble. So I apparated inside." He paused. There was nothing more awkward then telling someone you'd seen them intoxicated the night before.

"And I was drunk wasn't I?" Tonks asked, running a hand through her hair. Kingsley nodded. "So what are you still doing here? Not that I mind!" she added hastily, "but, don't you have a family to bring Christmas to?"

Kingsley shrugged. "I wasn't about to abandon you to wake up Christmas morning with the worst hangover you've ever had."

Tonks folded her arms. "And how do you know its my worst? For all you know, I could be a…a fierce party animal. Who goes out and gets uh…utterly plastered every weekend!"

Kingsley snorted. "Right. Ok. Can I-can I get you anything?" he asked, before they could broach the subject they were sure to touch upon.

"Tea?" Tonks answered meekly, now playing with the edge of her sheets. "King?" she asked as he started walking towards the kitchen.

He turned. "Yeah, Tonks?"

She shook her head so he moved into the kitchen to make tea. Tonks watched him go before pulling her legs up to her chest as she leant against the headboard. Even with all the alcohol she had consumed the day before, she did remember more than she cared to. She remembered that awful alone feeling that had driven her to drown her sorrows in the first place.

Kingsley returned a moment later with two cups. He handed one to Tonks and sat back in the chair. Tonks watched the tea swirl around in her mug for a moment before looking up again.

"Um, King? Does it always hurt like this?"

He sighed, leaning forward in his chair and placing a comforting hand on her knee. "He'll come around, Tonks. Just give him some time."

She cracked a small smile. "Thanks, Kingsley. I was talking about my head. But…thanks." She glanced at the clock. "You should go; your wife's probably called out a search party for you by now."

"Are you going to be all right?"

Tonks nodded. "I'm fine. Just need to rest up a bit. Go on."

Kingsley stood up. "If you need anything…" She nodded again and in another minute, he'd apparated away.

Tonks sighed and sipped her tea slowly.


Lunch had long since passed, but Remus was still sitting at the table. He was alone. He could hear Molly in the kitchen and people in the front room, but he made no move to join them.

Over and over, he'd been trying to think of something to say to Tonks if he stopped by. He knew it would be awkward. Things had changed. Their friendship was, to say the least, altered and he found he couldn't just show up on her doorstep for a cup of tea anymore. The way he used to.

Remus felt that perhaps he was pegging too much on the fact that he had hurt her. Sure, she'd been hurt after he'd rejected her, but one couldn't say that it was the first time he'd done so. And she had recovered, well for the most part. Perhaps if he did just show up as if nothing had happened, perhaps it would be all right.

He stood up from the table and wandered into the front room. Bill was sitting on the couch with Fleur. Ron and Harry were looking at a book and Ginny was playing with Arnold, the Pygmy Puff. Remus cleared his throat and everyone looked up. "Well," he said as he took his cloak from the rack, "I'm going out for a bit."

"Where are you going? I thought you were going to help me beat these two at chess?" Ginny asked, motioning at Ron and Harry.

Remus smiled. "I'll be back soon, we'll beat them then. I'm just going out."

"Good luck," Bill said slyly, raising that blasted eyebrow again.

Remus rolled his eyes as he shrugged the cloak over him. He sighed as he pulled the door open and their voices grew softer behind him.

"What did you mean by that, Bill?"

"Yes Bill, enlighten us!"

"Where's he going?"

Bill's laughter rang clear. "I don't know, just thought it best to wish him luck," he said, his voice filled with amusement.

As Remus stepped through the snow and quickly apparated away and ended up at the young Auror's doorstep, a thought came to him.

"Shit."


Tonks thought she heard something outside. It sounded as though someone had apparated outside. Then she thought she heard a voice. She suddenly remembered that Kingsley had left the maps he had come to collect.

She picked up the bits of parchment and hurried to the door, her bathrobe wrapped tightly around her. Aurors did not have the wealthiest of professions and she had to cut down her heating bill. Until her tea froze in her cup, she figured she could cope.

Without even bothering to think that there might be a Death Eater on the other side of her door, she plastered a smile on her face and swung the door open.

"Hey King! Forget something?" she asked pleasantly. She was determined to show him that she was perfectly fine, for he had been worried about her when he left.

"Uh…hi."

'Fuck!' Tonks screamed mentally at the sight of Remus at the door. She was so surprised that as she took a step backward, she tripped over the rug and fell flat on her back, the maps fluttering gracefully to the floor next to her.


In all the time he had spent thinking and obsessing over her, he had not thought to get her a Christmas present. And here he was, on her doorstep on Christmas. Giftless. Well, there was no point in turning back now. He had made it this far. And he was afraid that if he left now, he might not have found the resolve in himself to come back again.

Before Remus really had time to think about what he wanted to say upon her opening the door, she had done it.

"Uh…hi," he said lamely. Before seeing him, she had mentioned something about King. Did she mean Kingsley? Shacklbolt?

In that brief second, a million images flew through Remus' brain. Tonks and Kingsley. Together? Forget something? At the same time, Remus experienced an onslaught of emotions, ranging from confusion to anger and to his great regret, jealousy. Regret because he didn't want to feel jealous. If he felt jealous, then it was surely a sign that he had made a mistake somewhere down the line when he told her he had no feelings for her. And he wasn't ready to admit that to himself just yet.

Remus was yanked from his thoughts at the sound of a loud thump. He looked down and there was Tonks, lying on the floor rubbing her head.

"Tonks! Are you all right?" he asked quickly, rushing inside to help.

"As if my head didn't already hurt," she grumbled softly, rubbing the back of her head. Her hangover was still very apparent for her.

Remus knelt down beside her. "Can I uh, get you something for your head?" he asked.

She blushed slightly as she felt his hand on her back, supporting her. "No that's ok. I'm fine. Um…come in?" she asked weakly.

He smiled and helped her over to the couch. Once she sat down, he found himself in the awkward position of choosing to sit next to her on the couch or in the armchair. Being the coward that he was, he took the chair.

Tonks shifted slightly so that her feet were curled up underneath her. "So, have you had a good Christmas?" It was a lame opening question, she knew this. But considering her options, this seemed the most favorable. She doubted Remus would like it too much if she started out the conversation demanding to know why he had broken her heart.

Remus seemed to relax a little at the question. "Oh fine. But I thought I'd come check on you, seeing as you didn't want to come and just make sure you-"

"Hadn't done anything drastic?" she finished for him, feeling and sounding a little bitter. "Would you like some tea?" she asked quickly, hoping to distract him.

"That would be nice."

Tonks moved to get up but Remus shot out of his chair. "I'll do it. You just sit there and rest."

Tonks clambered off the couch. "I'm not an invalid, Remus. I only bumped my head. Besides, you're my guest."

"But-"

"How about we both make our own tea?" she said finally, not really feeling like arguing with him about it. She'd been arguing with him quite a lot recently and her losing streak wasn't improving.

They entered the small kitchen and Tonks went to fill the kettle on the stove. Remus went to the cupboard for the mugs and was quite surprised with how familiar he had become with her kitchen. Had he visited that often? He shoved the thought to the back of his mind and set the mugs down on the counter.

"What kind of tea do you want? I have peach, black, um, I think this one's raspberry or something," Tonks said as she set several tea bags down next to the cups.

"Black's fine," Remus said, reaching for the tea bag. They stood there at the counter, silently filling their own mug with boiling water. Before thinking about it, Tonks handed Remus the sugar spoon after having used it, remembering that he took it in his tea. How often had they done this together? If it hadn't been for the awkward silence rapidly filling the room, this would have felt completely normal.

However the silence stayed heavy until they were both sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for their tea to cool.

Tonks stood up for a moment and left the room. She returned a moment later with a small box. "This is for you!" she said cheerfully, all traces of awkwardness she had been determined to leave behind in the other room. She slid the box towards him with a small smile on her face. "Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it."

Remus picked up the box. "That's all right. I'm sorry, I didn't get you anything," he said apologetically. He examined the box and furrowed his brow.

"It's a Daydream Charm. From Fred and George's shop. I didn't know what kind of entertainment, oh badly phrased, um activities you had to keep yourself busy while you were off in the uh land of the…werewolves. So I got this to keep you um, amused? Ok this is coming out all wrong, it's basically a gag gift," she ended lamely, hiding her face from him, along with her blushing cheeks.

Remus smiled. "Well, it's very thoughtful, however I don't…hmm, how should I put this? I don't swing that way, Tonks."

She looked up at him, panicked. "What! You mean all this time, I thought-"

Remus cleared his throat and read aloud, "Ginny, hope classes won't be too boring now, eh? Happy Christmas from Tonks."

"Oh bugger, that's the wrong one. Sorry!" Tonks pulled the box from Remus and returned a moment later with a new box, checking to make sure that it was the box with the busty woman on it instead of the muscular man.

"Well, um…Thank you, Tonks. That's very thoughtful," he said, his eyes slightly twinkling in amusement.

Tonks was biting a fingernail and tapping the table with one hand. "You said that already," she said nervously.

"Well, I mean it. Thank you. Although I must tell you, I'm not doing it anymore," he said, taking a sip of his tea.

Tonks' eyes lit up. "Really? You're not doing it anymore? Oh, I'm so glad!"

Remus nodded before looking back down at his tea.

"So what will you be doing now?" Tonks asked.

Remus shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm going to speak to Dumbledore in a few weeks. After one last moon."

"I though you just said you weren't going to do it anymore?" she asked, her eyes narrowing slightly.

"Well, I suppose I should have said after I go through one more transformation. One last ditch effort, I guess."

"But Remus-"

"I already know how you feel about it, Tonks. But I can't turn my back on something that has to be done," he said quietly.

Tonks stood up. She couldn't exactly pinpoint why this news upset her so much. It's not as if he hadn't been at it for months. She placed her empty cup in the sink and stood there, her back to Remus, for she felt that if she were to look at him…

"And what happens if you don't come back after this last time? What if after that 'something' is done, you die?" She turned around now, her fervor slightly renewed. "Don't expect me to put my heart out there for you again. I won't do it. It hurts too much to have to worry about you. Come to think of it, it's exhausting. And I'm tired of it!" She could feel herself shaking now so she gripped the counter edge and leaned herself against it.

Remus watched her carefully. She looked lost and fragile. He had tried so hard not to break her, but as in most things, he had failed. He wanted to take her in his arms and assure her that it would all be ok, no matter how cheesy it sounded. But he knew that he could not say it, for it would be a lie. He had no way of knowing whether this one last time would bring him back alive or leave him there for dead and that's why he remained so adamantly unattached. But no matter how many times he told her not to, she worried. She feared for his well being, for his life, his love. Why? It had remained a great mystery to him and instead of finding out the reasons, he had merely rejected her affections out of hand.

Remus stood up and walked over to her. "Tonks, please, I've told you before you needn't worry about me." He couldn't really think of much else to say and this statement only seemed to infuriate her further.

"And you think I'm going to listen to you? I love you! But it can't be helped. I worry about you. But it can't be helped. Whether you tell me to do these things or not, it happens and I can't just shut it off as apparently you can!" She was yelling at him now even though he was inches away from her.

And without thinking about it, she kissed him. Tonks wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his. It was urgent and needy and all too quickly over. She watched him. His eyes had closed for a brief moment and he had a slightly stunned expression. Before she could realize what was happening, the space between them had closed again and he was kissing her back.

It felt electrifying and it seemed as though all their infatuation, anger and obsession with each other exploded in shockwaves that neither of them could explain.

Remus pulled back and his expression resembled a deer caught in the headlights. He backed away from her. "I'm sorry. I-We-I shouldn't have done that." He strode to the table and picked up his box.

Tonks stared at him. "Wait!" He continued towards the kitchen door when Tonks grabbed his arm. "Remus, wait. You can't just kiss me like that and leave it at that."

He looked down at the floor, refusing to meet her eyes. "Was it just a last chance for you to feel contact with a woman before going down to…wherever it is you go?" she asked bitterly.

"Tonks, you know it's not like that. Its-"

"You can't start something without finishing it, Remus. You can't just leave without saying goodbye…" her voice became very faint.

"Goodbye, Tonks. I'll see you…soon," he said, sounding very strained.

Tonks' betraying eyes filled with tears again. "Fine, go. But passion like that doesn't just materialize from thin air. There has to be something there before that." She let go of his arm reluctantly. Remus took one last look at her and sighed. He put his hand up to stroke the side of her cheek but she moved away. Without another word, he left.

Tonks felt foolish as she ran to the window and watched him apparate away. She turned around and noticed his mug sitting on the table. In a fit of fury, she picked it up and threw it at the wall. It shattered into tiny pieces all over the floor. But she didn't care. She walked out of the kitchen, telling herself she'd clean it up tomorrow.


A/N: Thanks for reading. Thanks for reviewing. All that jazz. Thoughts.