What Difference Does It Make
Remus checked his watch and started as he realized he had been sitting there doing nothing for forty minutes. Well, he hadn't exactly been doing nothing. He'd been looking out the window and watching the small Auror outside pace back and forth for the past forty minutes. And still he watched her. He did not seem to feel the damp chill in the air of the house, nor did the dust seem to have any affect on him. It was as if he was impervious to all elements save one. Her.
He didn't really know what to make of the scene he had played witness to earlier and it was bothering him. Remus was always able to come up with the logical reason for his thoughts, but this…
'It's because you're in love with her. Face it,' he thought to himself. But he couldn't. And now his hesitance seemed to cost him all future happiness. And never in a million years would he have seen it coming.
Tonks watched her breath puff out in little swirls around her. The effects of the hot chocolate she had consumed earlier had worn off and she was once again freezing.
She also didn't like spending her time near the Shrieking Shack. It had never been a chosen destination of hers, but now that she was stationed there, she had the privilege of inspecting it for any dark wizards or activities. Well it may not have been shrieking, but the creaks and groans issuing from the old house did not make her feel any better. She shivered as she made her way up the dark walkway to the house and was surprised at how quickly the door swung open as she pressed against it.
Remus stood up as he heard the door to the Shrieking Shack swing open. He fumbled in the pocket of his robes and slowly pulled out his wand, readying himself for whatever might come through the door.
Tonks entered the small room and her eyes grew as wide as saucers. Abandoning all reasonable judgement, she broke into a run until she reached Remus and threw her arms around him. Remus was so taken aback that he almost fell back onto the couch. Tonks' arms were wrapped around him so tightly that he could barely breathe, and she was so close to him that he could smell her shampoo and he realized that he recognized the smell and that it was distinctly her and that deep down inside of him, he loved it.
"Tonks!" he managed to gasp out. She just hugged him tighter.
"Tonks, I can-"
"You're alright!" she squeaked, "I can't believe you're here! Why didn't you let me know when you came back? I've been so worried." She finally let go of his neck for which he breathed a sigh of relief.
Remus felt a pang of guilt as he looked at her and saw her eyes slightly misting.
"And more importantly….I missed you," she finished quietly. She leaned against him, taking in his scent and letting the feeling of being close to him take over her.
Remus stiffened when she was close to him. He shifted himself slightly away from her and refused to look her in the eye.
Tonks sighed and lifted her head to look at him. "Where do you get the energy to keep pushing me away?"
He gave a short, derisive laugh. "I wasn't the one making out with someone in a pub and then trying to pawn herself off to someone else an hour later," he said. But as soon as he said it, he realized how harsh it must have sounded.
She got up off the couch. "What! Were you spying on me or something?" she started pacing the room. "And-and what business is it of yours to go sneaking around, peering into pubs? And then-and then stalking Aurors, huh?" She was trying to stay angry with him; it was easier to fight back that way, than to stay extremely hurt over his last comment.
Remus raised his hands in defense, "I'm just telling you what I saw. But I did see you kissing another man. And if I did ever….well let's just say it was…."
Tonks rounded on him, "What difference does it make whether I kissed him! Once, twice or a million times? You told me you didn't love me!"
Remus stood up and walked to her. He grabbed her wrists to keep them from flailing wildly again. "You're right. I said I didn't love you."
She gazed up at him. "And?" she asked, almost breathlessly.
It took all of Remus' self control not to lean down and kiss her lips, which were slightly open and he could feel her breath against his cheek. She was right. He'd said he didn't love her. So he had no claims over her. She had every right to kiss whomever she wished. As long as it wasn't Remus.
"I meant it." He let go of her hands and turned abruptly to leave.
She turned and watched him walk away for the millionth time. And each time, it got a little bit harder.
"It didn't mean anything," she whispered to the empty room and she flinched as she heard the front door slam shut.
As Remus stepped outside, he felt the familiar lurch in his stomach after a transformation. He fell to his knees and vomited into the dead bushes near the walkway.
When he stood up again, Tonks had appeared at the door. Her eyes were slightly red, but otherwise, her face looked unaffected. She walked by him, glancing once in his direction and then resumed her position out near the gate.
Remus followed her. "Tonks! Tonks, look I'm sorry that I didn't tell you when I got back. I-I meant to but-"
"You're too old. And you're too poor. And you're too monstrous. Yeah, I've heard it before, thanks Remus."
He moved closer to her as she tried to walk away from him. "I've been afraid. I've always been afraid of hurting those I…those I love. I can't risk it. I don't want to take that chance with someone else's heart. I've already done enough damage to my own."
She sniffed a little. "Too late," she said softly. She started to move away again but he grabbed her arm.
"Please believe me, Nymphadora. I can't do this to anyone. I can't-I won't subject them to it. I-I won't do it to you."
Tonks pulled her arm away from his grip and stood there watching him for a moment. "Do you know what you do to me, Remus? Loving you or trying to love you as the case may be, is like jumping off the Astronomy Tower with nothing below me. You take the risk to make the jump and then halfway down, you start to think whether or not it's worth it. So you try to find anything and everything to cling to so you won't hit the ground. Things like window ledges and silly gargoyle statues that you always took for granted start to look very inviting as you fall very very quickly. And then you think, maybe, just maybe the fall won't be that bad. Maybe that feeling of hitting the ground is all just part of the experience. And then it actually happens. And the pain is intense. The situation is hypothetical and metaphorical but the pain is real. Real and intense and it hurts more than anything, that hitting the ground. And then you get to thinking that it wasn't worth the risk. That nothing is ever worth the risk again. I can't keep jumping just to feel that pain anymore, Remus."
Remus watched her intently. He wanted to wipe the fresh tears that were sliding down her cheek, but he didn't. Her pale skin reflecting against the white snow gave her an ethereal beauty and he felt if he were to touch her, she would shatter, along with everything around them.
"I'm going to ask you one more time. I'll jump once more because I need to know. Do you love me, Remus?"
He looked down at the ground. He heard her intake a shaky breath. Still he said nothing.
"Remus, please answer me!" And with all her reserve and self control completely gone, and Michael's words echoing in her head, she grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him.
But this time he didn't pull away from her. He drew his arms around her and pulled her closer. Remus felt as though his brain had left his body, as though he was watching the scene from above and he had no way of making it stop. And he didn't want it to ever stop.
And then suddenly, he seemed to come crashing back to earth and as if his being once more collided with solid Remus and he knew this was wrong. He knew it was wrong to lead her into this false sense of hope, when he knew in the morning, he would not be able to give her what she needed.
So gently, he pulled his lips away from hers and he immediately felt cold. He kept her close, not wanting to break the illusion just yet, and he leaned his forehead against hers. He brought a hand up and brushed a lock of her hair away from her face. And every second that went by, he seemed to ebb away a little more inside, for he knew that this could not continue. Not with her. Not with anyone. Ever. That was the rule. It had always been the rule.
Tonks thought she must have died of shock. For there was no other way that she could be standing in the snow in Remus's embrace. But for the moment, she didn't care. Lord Voldemort himself could have landed two feet away from them and Tonks didn't think it would have made any difference.
Remus's voice was barely above a whisper. "Please don't make this harder than it already is." And he kissed the top of her head and let her go.
This statement took much longer than normal for Tonks to absorb. Her passion and her excitement had spun things around in her mind and his words seemed to be coming at her at a much slower rate. It wasn't until she watched him walk away for the second time that night that she realized it had been a goodbye kiss.
And yet she couldn't find the words. She had talked so long and often and used up so many words to define this feeling, this obsession with him that she found she had simply run out. The words had never taken affect on him, so what difference would it make to waste some more on his retreating back?
Remus felt anxious as he walked away. He couldn't leave her there, without saying what he had always meant to say, intended to say if it hadn't been for certain gigantic conflicting circumstances. If he told her, than his only regret in the morning would be that she wasn't there beside him. That particular regret was quite familiar to Remus; he could handle that much better than this dull ache in the pit of his stomach that came with silence.
He turned back towards her. She was standing, frozen in the spot he had left her. She had her arms wrapped around herself and her gaze seemed fixated on a certain patch of ground. As he drew closer, he tried to block out the image of her glassy eyes and trembling lips, telling himself that it was merely from the cold.
"Tonks?" She looked up at him; her face pale and expressionless. Remus felt the large lump in his throat but with determination, ignored it. "Just so you know, uh…for the record, I…admire you. And you and I are…" he paused as his eyes traveled over her face, her mousy brown hair, "…perfect. But this world we live in isn't. And so we sacrifice our perfections to…to…oh piss it, I love you, Nymphadora. I do. But I can't. When-when I see you, I get this rush of feelings and everything inside of me is in chaos. But I wait until that subsides, until I am so goddamn numb to absolutely everything that it makes it an ok feeling for me to walk away from you like this. And I don't hear your voice and I don't see your tears because I've blocked them out. It's the only way to survive. And after awhile, you become ok with that fragment, that shadow of a life you're leading. You accept it because you have no choice. Because I have no choice."
She heard him disapparate. And all she could think about was how cold it was. How cold she felt and how painful it is to cry in the snow.
A/N: Sory the end of this chapter drags. I'm sorry its been forever. I could explain right now, but I am so tired, its just not going to happen. Hope you liked it. Thank you very much for reading and for waiting ever so patiently. I really do appreciate it!
