Miserable Lie
Remus awoke to find himself lying on the floor of his kitchen. He felt the back of his head for any sign of a bump, but came up with nothing. He didn't feel any aches, perhaps he'd simply lay down on the floor of his own accord. Whatever it was, he couldn't remember exactly how he'd gotten there. It seemed absurd, but with the events he'd just been a part of (dream or otherwise), he figured nothing was too crazy.
He stood, quickly reaching out for the counter to regain his balance. But the really crazy thing, he thought, was that he could still smell her. That familiar scent of her hair, a peaches and cream, seemed to linger in the air and it was overpowering him. And without being able to help himself, he found himself craving her.
It had always been an exhausting experience; to be around Tonks. Upon first meeting her, he had found her charming and fun and happy. Such a contrast to the dark circumstances that had brought them together in the first place. She was cheerful to his melancholy and as he saw more of her, he felt more for her as well. But that's all it had ever been, a clandestine little crush on a girl he knew he couldn't have. Remus had felt safe in the knowledge that it was simply a crush because there were no expectations. Just that sad but rather reassuring feeling that the object of his affection would never reciprocate affection. That way the only one to get hurt was Remus.
But, as chance would have it, she did reciprocate the feeling. So all of a sudden, there was that familiar danger of getting too close, letting someone in like that. And it terrified him. It was easy to brush off his own feelings as inconsequential, but when someone else's heart is also on the line, it makes it much more difficult to dismiss.
Remus looked at the clock in the kitchen. It was rather late. And even though he was suddenly filled with the rather vivid image of Tonks standing in front of him, her lips slightly parted…he shook his head. No, he was going to bed. It was decided. Besides, it wasn't as if she was there. So entertaining no other idea besides bed, he left the kitchen.
Now the configuration of Remus's small apartment was such that if he wanted to enter any other room from the kitchen, he first had to double back to the front room. Sometimes, Remus saw this as rather inconvenient. However, tonight it proved to be a good thing, seeing as if he hadn't gone back through the front room, he wouldn't have known that anyone else was there at all.
Tonks looked up as she heard Remus moving around in the kitchen. It was probably only a matter of minutes before he came back in and discovered she was there. She wondered briefly if he would be angry at her for barging in. Perhaps he would be so furious that he would merely toss her out the door before speaking to her, without giving her a chance. But no, this was Remus she was thinking about. Remus didn't do things like that. She knew him, or at least, she liked to think she did.
She looked back down at the floor as she felt a sinking, guilty feeling. She realized she shouldn't be here, that she shouldn't try to find him. But after what he'd said to her, his words still made her shiver. To think that he actually loved her, to hear it from his lips forced Tonks to seek him out. She had to make sure it had not just been a dream, or that her dangerously overworked mind had not played a trick on her.
Tonks looked up as she heard a sort of muffled gasp from the doorway. Remus was standing there, his eyes practically bugging out of his head. She stood up, suddenly feeling as though she had intruded on something very private.
"I'm so sorry, I'll just-I'll just go," she stuttered awkwardly. Tonks felt his eyes on her, but she didn't want to look at him. And then he was suddenly standing in front of her. He was there so quickly, she wouldn't be surprised if someone had told her he'd apparated to her side. He was standing very close to her and she could feel his warm breath ghosting over her neck.
"Don't go," he whispered, as if speaking any higher would disrupt something in the room. For indeed there was a tension in the room, and Tonks wasn't quite sure how her staying would change that. She watched him for a moment, and she noticed a change, something rather pleading in the look he was giving her. Tonks wasn't quite sure how she felt about it, it didn't make her uncomfortable, merely inadequate, as if what she had to give him, she knew would never be enough.
"No really, I um-well, I didn't mean to just come barging in here. I'm not even really quite sure why I came. I guess I just-" but Tonks stopped talking as she felt Remus' eyes watching her intently. His gaze seemed so intense, it was as if he were burning a hole right through her. She swallowed nervously and looked up at him.
"Can I kiss you?" he asked her almost breathlessly. Tonks was so taken aback by this question that she didn't say anything for a good minute or two. Silence hung in the air as she considered his request. Not that she needed to consider it, he didn't even have to ask her. But why he had asked was puzzling her. Her face was inches from his and she felt nervous. It wasn't that she didn't want to kiss him, it had been the only thing she'd wanted for quite some time. But didn't he know that by now?
His eyes were searching her face for some sort of reaction, some sign or signal of an answer. Tonks thought he rather resembled a little boy asking for something he could not have, a rather forlorn face of slightly twisted innocence. Did he know that she would not refuse?
Tonks stared at him and pursed her lips, trying to figure out how to tell him that he could do anything to her except walk away from her again. She reached for his hand and interlaced her fingers with his. She heard him intake a breath and the intensity between them was fierce. "When it comes to me, Remus, you don't have to ask. You can have anything you want."
This fairly bold statement seemed to shock both of them, and for a moment, Tonks regretted it, thinking her boldness would push him away again. But he stood there, still watching her and he had not pulled his hand away from hers, or moved back so that they were standing further apart.
Then slowly, he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. It was soft and slow, a tantalizing hint of what he really wanted. And as he pulled away, Tonks felt just how much she wanted it too. She had been waiting so long and all the feeling that had been building up inside her was starting to cloud everything else, all reason and sense, and all that remained clear was that chemistry between them. Such chemistry is hard to resist - it's a veritable laboratory of pheromones and other substances. And she knew they'd never be cured, always in recovery. It consumed them both. She released his hand and snaked her arms up around his neck, pulling him close and kissing him fiercely.
An awakening, an epiphany seemed to happen in that short span of time. It was like a hunger that had been temporarily forgotten and put off because of other things. Then suddenly, you remember that its there, and it comes back to you tenfold what it was before.
Tonks wished she could say that the rest of the night felt like a blur, but it would be a lie. A miserable lie she'd tell herself later to cover up that awful empty, guilty feeling festering inside her. She remembered with perfect clarity every touch and sound and feeling. She remembered exactly how his fingers felt against her skin, how every sense was heightened because of a burning desire for more, of a desire to feel and savor and memorize every feeling that ran through her like a jolt of electricity.
And the need to feel so close to another person seemed to have finally taken over both of them. And the small bedroom was strewn with the evidence of an event that was so long shunted that it had practically slipped away into nonexistence, remaining only in the memory of a fantasy long gone.
Remus could feel every inhibition, every caution being stripped away as he watched her, as he felt the back of his knees hit the bed and buckle. And this time it was real. It really was Tonks placing her small fingers around the buttons of his shirt. It was really her running her hands through his hair and pressing her small frame against his. But these realizations did not last long as he felt her lips on his neck and her hands everywhere, and there was no room left in either of them for any rational thought.
And it felt so good to give themselves over to the unexpected, the unknown, the unplanned. It feels different, but it feels right, to share something so intimate with another person again. But the intimacy of the situation is overshadowed by the growing frustration and lust hanging thickly in the air. So thick that you could put your arms around it. But neither notices nor cares, for they've been waiting so long, so patiently that nothing can stop this. The gates have been unceremoniously flung open and at this point, there is no turning back.
The early morning sun glared harshly down on Tonks, waking her almost immediately. She looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings until her gaze rested on Remus sleeping beside her, his deep breathing still undisturbed by consciousness. At the sight of him lying there, a sleepy contented look on his face, her heart dropped into her stomach. Her heartbeat quickened and the only thing she could think of was her mother. Her mother's voice rang loud and clear in her mind, "No one's going to want the whole ice cream truck when you're handing out the popsicles for free!"
Under any other circumstances, Tonks might have found this mildly amusing at best. But as she sat there, the sheet drawn up around her carefully, she couldn't help but take her mother's words to heart.
'But its Remus!' she reasoned with herself. 'He wouldn't do that!' But even that wasn't a comfort as she scanned the room, looking for her discarded clothing from the night before.
She made a mental note of how sound a sleeper Remus was as she wriggled back into her jeans and t-shirt. She sighed to herself. There was something so depressing about putting on yesterday's clothes. Somehow, they felt heavier, as if weighed down with everything that had happened the day before.
Tonks felt ill. For a minute, she watched him as he slept. He looked so peaceful, none of the problems of being awake to plague him. She didn't want to be there when that changed, when he realized what he'd done. 'What we've done,' she corrected herself. Remus hadn't been himself last night. And she had encouraged it, taken horrible advantage of it, and for that, she couldn't face him.
With a crack, she apparated from the small apartment, not wanting to hear his apologies or excuses or anything else. She already knew where he stood, there was no reason for her to stay and have him tell her what a huge mistake they'd made.
Tonks sank down onto her own made bed. The sheets were cool and crisp and even though she slept in that bed every night, it seemed to strange and unfamiliar to her right now. She hugged her arms around herself and turned on her side, staring out the window at a view, she noticed, was quite similar to Remus's.
To Tonks, it was the best mistake she'd ever made. She really could believe that lie she'd built up for herself. And she would have given her right arm to be able to just crawl back into bed next to Remus and fall back to sleep, not worrying about what he'd say when he awoke to find her there.
A/N: This chapter annoys me and it was uber difficult to write for some reason. I had this unexplainable block for awhile. It still didn't turn out what I thought it would be. I don't know. hmmm. Cheers for reading!
