I Want the One I Can't Have
Tonks looked up as she heard a knock at the door. She hadn't been crying, but subconsciously, she wiped her face to rid any sign of tears. "I'll be out in a minute," she said, marveling at how little her voice shook. She stood up slowly, holding her stomach. She still felt rather sick, but if someone else had to use the bathroom, she would live.
"Tonks? Are you all right?" a familiar voice asked on the other side of the door. "Can I come in?" he asked.
Tonks shook her head, as if he could see through doors, but still, she said nothing. She slid down to the floor again and shut her eyes. Perhaps if she couldn't see him, he wouldn't see her.
"Nymphadora, answer me! Are you hurt?" Remus's voice sounded concerned now.
Tonks opened her eyes again. And then, she just couldn't help it, she started laughing. Was she hurt? At this point, it was one of the funniest questions he could have asked her.
There was a click and the door sprang open. Remus burst into the small room to find Tonks sitting on the floor, her legs hugged to her chest and giggling.
"Let's think, shall we? Am I hurt? Well Remus, I'd say yes, I hurt a lot right now actually," she said, determinedly not looking at him. She heard the door shut and for a fleeting moment, she thought maybe he had left. She then felt him sit down beside her.
"I'm so sorry," he said quietly. When she still refused to look at him, he took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. "Nymphadora," he said, but he sort of trailed off. His brain had only taken him so far and he couldn't think of what to say to her.
"Look, I'm sorry Remus. I'm still a little drunk. Maybe we should wait and talk a little later because-" but she too stopped short, not finishing her thought.
"Because what?" he asked as he realized he was still holding her face. He pulled his hands away slowly.
"Because I don't want to say something I'm going to regret later," she finished, turning away again.
"Well then will you at least listen to me?" He shifted slightly, stretching his legs out in front of him. When she didn't answer, he sighed but started to talk anyway.
"I've been thinking about what happened the other night," he started slowly. "Actually, I think it's all I've been thinking about all week," he confessed, his voice even quieter than usual. "You left without saying anything, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to make of that. I-"
"I saw you dancing with Verity," Tonks said suddenly. Remus stopped, his mouth open in mid speech. Tonks looked at him. "You two looked like you were having fun," she added and the icy tone in her voice was easy to pick out.
Remus looked at her, gobsmacked. Again, he was overcome with the urge to point his finger at her and tell her that all of that could have been avoided if she hadn't spent the evening dancing with Fred. "She was horribly drunk," he said after a minute, deciding finger pointing was something reserved for twelve year olds.
"That makes three of us at least then," she said quietly, although she knew that they were sobering up quickly and she wasn't quite ready for that. She liked the numbness the alcohol provided her. She had grown so comfortable with it, that she wasn't quite sure why everyone didn't just get pissed out of their heads everyday. Surely, it would make many things a lot more bearable.
'It would certainly help make this situation a little less awkward,' she thought as the two of them sat in silence, looking at the floor.
"I just wanted to apologize, for the other night I mean. I was um, in a bit of an odd mood and I-well, I mean that is to say…" But Remus found himself at a loss for words again.
"I was there, I know what happened, Remus. We had sex. You didn't attack me or anything. It was mutual. But that's it, isn't it? I mean, obviously we both know that it can't go on. Or at least, that's what you're going to tell me the minute you find the right words, isn't it? This was all just a big mistake, a gross misunderstanding on my part. Because well, once you've satisfied those primal urges, you can go back to pushing those feelings you have for me back down into the dark recesses of your mind. Pretty convenient isn't it? Well, thanks for chatting with me, Remus. It's really put everything back into perspective for me." She stood up, leaving Remus to sit on the floor, looking as though he'd just been clubbed over the head. Tonks reached for the doorknob.
"It's locked," she said after trying to turn it. Remus looked up at her.
"It might just be jammed, here," he stood up too, his voice was hollow and it sounded far off, like it wasn't really him speaking. He cleared his throat as he grasped the knob and tried to turn it. She was right. It wouldn't budge. He tried to turn it with more force, but it just stayed put. After a moment, Tonks pulled out her wand and whispered "Alohamora" as she pointed it at the door. Nothing. They were stuck.
Tonks turned quickly to Remus. "This is entirely your fault, you know," she spat at him angrily.
Remus laughed humorlessly. "My fault! What did I do, except apparently violate you with a huge mistake by fulfilling my primal urges or some bollocksy shite like that?" he replied, now sounding just as angry.
"Yeah well, I bet you had fun. Stringing the two of us along for awhile, eh? She was a bit young wasn't she? So who's next after Verity, huh? How about Ginny or Hermione? They seem to be in the next age bracket you're thinking of conquering! Then maybe, just maybe we'll have all fallen in love with someone who's determined to remain alone for the rest of his life and we can form some sort of support group!" Tonks was still struggling with the door, trying to get it to open.
"Tonks, I'd never even seen her before tonight! Or is that it, no other woman is allowed to be attracted to me besides you?" He moved a step closer to her.
"Well according to you, I'm not even supposed to be attracted to you!" she said, her voice rising in frustration both at Remus and the stubborn door.
"I never said-"
"Oh that is exactly what you said. Every time I brought up us, that is exactly what you told me! Maybe not in those words, but I'm not stupid, Remus I can take a hint. It's just that most of the time, I choose not to!" She turned around now, having given up on the door, to face him full on.
"And what, I'm supposed to thank you? This is all your fault! You flounce around here, not even realizing that all I could ever want is to be with you! But I can't! And every time I see you, it reminds me of how hard it is to give you up! And I tried to tell you, I did. But you wouldn't listen. And everything we ever had has changed because you're too stubborn to see that this can never happen!" Remus placed his hand next to Tonks's head where she was leaning against the door.
Tonks laughed. "You're lecturing me about being stubborn? Talk about pots and kettles being black!" She had the distinct feeling she was shouting now.
Remus looked at her for a moment, and the edges of his mouth twitched ever so slightly. "That's uh, that would be the pot calling the kettle black. I think is what you meant to say," he said, his anger waning slightly and a hint of amusement in his tone.
"Don't patronize me, Remus! I'm not a child!" she said stamping her foot angrily, giving off the exact opposite impression of what she was trying to accomplish.
"I never said you were. In fact, I thought maybe you could handle this situation rather more maturely." Remus's voice was quieter again, the anger was gone, but the amusement was too. He sounded as he felt, defeated.
"Oh this is ridiculous! Fred! George! Let us out of here now!" Tonks yelled at the door. She may have still been a little buzzed but she was not stupid. She wheeled back around to look at Remus. "Will you help me?" she snapped. But before she could turn back around to start pounding on the door, Remus had slammed her into it. He crushed his lips against hers almost bruisingly and his arms pinned hers to the wall.
Tonks gave a surprised little yelp but did not push him away. Instead, her arms snaked up around his neck as he freed them to grab hold of her hips as he lifted her, backing her into the door with another resounding thump, eliciting another yelp from Tonks.
The anger and resentment that they had felt so strongly only moments before, seemed to dissipate into a raging desire fueled both by alcohol and the horrible tension that screamed to be broken. And somehow, amidst the tangle of limbs, a wand was raised and a small chaise was conjured. If they were stuck in the room all night, they might as well be as comfortable as possible.
"This is better than fellytision," Fred remarked as the twins moved their heads away from the door that had just been thudded against, followed by a yelp. "Come on," he said, grabbing George's arm, who seemed vaguely reluctant to go.
"Wasn't the plan sort of ruined then," George asked as they trudged upstairs. "Wasn't the point of locking them in there together was so that they could talk?"
Fred shrugged. "I'm sure there'll be time for talk later," he said casually. George frowned. Fred sighed. "Look, George if there's anything to be said about girls, its act now talk later. I mean, who knows the next time Lupin'll get any more tail. Although, Verity did seem pretty fond of him…but still, the point is those two just need to work things out. And sometimes, you can't talk things over until you've gotten your ya-ya's out. Know what I mean?"
"No," George answered flatly. "I just feel weird, you know? It's our fault they're in there in the first place. Don't you think it will be even harder for them if they've…you know?" he asked, trailing off.
"What, you mean shagged? They've already done it. You can tell," he added as George raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You didn't spend that much time with her tonight. I did. Something's definitely changed in their dynamic. Its sex," he said plainly.
"Oh," George said quietly.
"Well, goodnight," Fred said cheerfully as he went into his own bedroom. George waved, slightly half-heartedly and went to his own room. It was odd though, not sleeping in the same room as Fred. Oddly quiet, he thought as he lay down.
Tonks sighed as she pulled away from Remus. He gave her a questioning look, but he leaned back all the same as she adjusted herself on the small chaise now sitting parallel to the door.
"Please, can we not do this again?" she asked suddenly. Remus watched her nervous expression and immediately felt a rush of guilt. He stayed where he was for a moment, sort of frozen to the spot. She hugged her knees to her chest and he was overcome with the urge to put his arms around her, to protect her in any way he could. But he refrained, knowing that what he had to protect her from, he couldn't do himself. They sat there for a moment in silence, both of them concentrating on the colorful tile of the bathroom floor and not on each other.
"I'm tired," she whispered finally. Remus seemed to let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding. Tonks stretched out on the small chaise and closed her eyes, leaving enough room for him to lie down next to her. He did so, tentatively, and he felt a small shudder of excitement, but quickly suppressed it, it was easier when she had stopped him. He was about to roll over so that they were lying back to back, but she stopped him. He paused and sucked in a breath as she grasped his arm and pulled it around her.
"Just for tonight," she mumbled sleepily, "since we're stuck in this room together, I want to know what its like to fall asleep next to you with no complications, no expectations, no nothing, just us."
Remus exhaled as he let his arm drape over her. After a moment, he pulled her closer and it was her turn to shiver as his breath hit the nape of her neck and she could feel his heart beating in his chest, a slow, steady beat as he started to fall asleep.
Tonks silently cursed herself as she hung in between sleep and consciousness as she felt a single tear drop off the end of her nose. In defiance, she snuggled closer to Remus and fell asleep herself.
Fred yawned loudly as he rolled out of bed. He put a hand to his throbbing head and tried to remember why it hurt so much.
"Oh right, the party," he said out loud to the empty room at large. He stood up and stretched as he walked to the door. He tried to turn the knob, it wouldn't move.
He picked his wand up and said, "Alohamora," sleepily to the door. He didn't hear a click, but tried the door anyway. The knob still wouldn't turn.
"George! This isn't funny. Open the door, I have to take a piss!" he yelled as he banged on the door.
"Oh its not George," said an unfamiliar voice on the other side. Fred jumped away from the door, holding his wand out defensively.
The person giggled. Fred crept back up to the door. "Tonks?"
She started laughing louder. Fred swore loudly.
"Dammit! Tonks, I have to piss!"
"Well you should have thought about that before you locked us up all night!" she said angrily.
Fred stared at the door incredulously. "Tonks, we locked you in a bathroom," he said after a minute.
Another voice was on the other side of the door now. "Tonks, just let him out."
"Listen to Remus, Tonks!" he cried desperately.
There was a murmur and a click and Fred burst out of his bedroom. Tonks was standing there with her arms folded and a smirk across her face. "You would have deserved it you know," she said as he dashed into the toilet.
Remus walked over to George's door and took the charm off of his, however George seemed to not have heard anything, he was still dead asleep.
Tonks and Remus went back to the kitchen, where they'd already made tea and toast and sat back down at the small table.
"So," Remus started slowly, "about last night."
Tonks looked up at him. "Nothing happened," she said casually, sipping her tea.
"I know but-"
"Remus, why do insist on punishing ourselves by talking about this? I'd rather we just pretend that nothing important really happened, and just go on being your friend if I can't be anything more," she said, sounding weary.
Remus slid his hand across the table to cover hers. She tried to move it away but he held it there. "Tonks, you know how hard this is for-"
A loud yawn came from the doorway and Tonks and Remus looked up. Standing in the kitchen, they assumed was George. He was wearing a pair of purple boxers with yellow polka dots and nothing else. His bright red hair was sticking out at all sorts of funny angles. His eyes were half closed as he walked through the kitchen and went to the refrigerator. He stood there a moment, scratching his behind until he pulled out the orange juice. He turned around, and for the first time, realized there were other people in his kitchen.
"Bloody hell!" he yelped and the carton of orange juice dropped to the floor, spilling it all over him and unfortunately Remus, who was sitting closest to it.
And then suddenly, Tonks started laughing. Remus turned to her, streams of orange liquid running down his face and onto the shirt he'd been wearing the night before. "Oh, so you think this is funny, do you?" he asked, as she continued to laugh, putting a hand over her mouth to try and hold back some of her laughter.
She nodded as her eyes moved back and forth between them, the sticky juice running down George's chest and dripping from the ends of his hair. "Here," she said as she flicked her wand and the juice started to evaporate away.
At that moment, Fred walked in. "What happened to the orange juice?" he asked as he saw the carton lying on the ground.
Tonks laughed again as she stood up. "Well, as much as I'd love to stay and chat with you all, I must go to work."
Remus looked up at her. "Already? But couldn't you just stay and-"
She shook her head. "I really can't. All this high security stuff, I have to go in or I'll lose my job. I'll be around though," she said quietly. She patted Fred and George on the head as she passed.
"You boys be good," she said over her shoulder. Remus stood up to follow her out.
"I meant what I said earlier," she said, once they were out of the twins' earshot. "I want things to go back to the way they were. No more of this silly, stupid awkwardness, all right? I mean, I suppose I've accepted that some things just aren't meant to be," she continued, stroking his cheek with her hand. "I just, well, I'll see you later, then." She went up on her tip toes and kissed his cheek lightly. Then quickly, she turned and walked downstairs and out through the shop.
At the bottom of the stairs, she saw Verity leaning over the counter, fixing one of the displays. "Good morning, Verity!" she said brightly and walked out the door. She paused outside for a moment, until she heard more footsteps and Remus's surprised voice as he saw what Tonks had just seen.
"Oh, uh…good morning," he said carefully. Tonks heard Verity gasp, then let out a piteous whine and Remus hurried out the front door too.
"You were waiting for that to happen weren't you?" he asked as he saw her still standing there, an amused look on her face.
Tonks smiled wickedly, "Perhaps. See you soon, Remus," she said as she waved goodbye and apparated away.
Remus sighed heavily and then did the same.
A/N: omg, I'm sorry its been forever, my second semester of college was more of a workload than I expected and I left you in the worst possible place! Please forgive me. Anyhoo, this chapter goes out to a very good friend of mine who was really the one that kept bugging me to update and put up this next chapter. She made a Lupin/Tonks video that kind of serves this story fairly well. Its really cool, a lot of it has to do with things that happened in the fic, I guess. Its very good, even if its not done to a smiths song. Oh well. Its over on artistic alley . org Here's the link (erase the spaces):
http / www . artisticalley . org / gallery / showphoto . php ? photo 18646 & cat 504
