This Parody of Harry Potter is inspired by the comedy skit known as "Mr. Muldoon's Will" by the comedy troupe The Frantics. All rights to JKR and the Frantics. I have no idea if anyone has done this already, but I could not let this one not be done as it has become my favorite comedy skit in recent years. Seriously, this is funnier than most of the stuff you see on SNL.

An unseen clock was distantly ticking in the background of the conference room at Gringotts Bank in London. In the room were five people. Ronald Weasley, Ginny Weasley, George Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Draco Malfoy. Harry Potter was dead after a long battle with war wounds and dragonpox. His funeral had been two days prior and they were all gathered to hear his will. The door opened to see Daphne Greengrass, Harry's lawyer, and representative of Gringotts bank. She sat at the head of the table, opening several documents. To her right, sat Ron and Ginny. George and Draco sat to her left, with Hermione in the back of the room at the other end of the table.

Daphne started, "I am pleased to see that everyone has made it to this gathering to review this final will of Harry James Potter. As the executor of Mr. Potter's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Potter's Last Will and Testament."

"Well, get on with it, the bars open soon." Malfoy called out, as he opened a small hip flask drawn from his coat pocket, swigging down a quick shot.

"Oh, poor Harry, my poor dear Harry! Waaa!" cried Ginny.

"Oh, there, there, Ginny." Soothed her brother Ron.

"This feels like a repeat of the funeral – and its starting to get a bit boring at this point." Muttered George.

"You should all be quiet; this is Harry we are talking about – the kindest man we have never known." said Hermione.

Daphne looked around at the group before her, made sure everyone was present, and began again, "If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading."

Malfoy dryly began chuckling aloud, though muttering under his breath, "Still don't know why I am here, but if I am here, something of this should be good."

"I, Harry James Potter, being of sound mind and body…"

"That's a laugh! Ow!" Said Malfoy, which earned him a smack on the shoulder from George.

"…do by divide my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional wife, Ginny…" which earned another cry from Ginny.

"Ginny, she's talking about you!" Ron said to his sister, upon which she shut up and sat up quickly with a sudden "Oh," evidence of her crying disappearing almost instantly.

": "...who grubbed with her brother, Ron, grubbed for everything they could get from me, then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy and care, ultimately abandoning me to the care of Ronald's ex-wife Hermione..."

Ginny blinked, "What?"

"To Ginny, I leave a bludger to the head"

"A what?" Ginny confusedly asked. A bludger appear out the middle of the table and flew out hitting Ginny right in the head.

*BONK!* "OW!" cried Ginny.

"Ginny are you ok?" Asked Ron.

"And another bludger for her wimpy, jealousy infested brother Ron, who betrayed me more often than a Shakespear antagonist."

*BONK!* "OW!" Cried Ron, the bludger having circled around to the back of his head, and in doing so causing his forehead to hit the table in the after effect.

Everyone made to get up but found that they could not. They could not even find their wands.

"I must remind you all that until this will is finished being read, we cannot leave this room. We cannot leave these chairs and the goblins have charmed this room to remove our wands from our person upon entering. However, this is standard procedure in this situation and all items and materials shall be returned upon conclusion of the will reading." Stated Daphne in a monotone, bored, yet condescending voice.

"HAHAHAHAHA." Laughed Malfoy. "This is better than I had hoped."

"This is an outrage!" Ginny screamed.

Daphne continued "...ah, but still, you are my wife and my best male friend respectively (not sure if that says much about me), you have both admired Potter Mansion and the Black Townhouse on Grimmauld Place, and since I no longer need it..."

"Now that's more like it." Called Ron.

"Aw, even though he was mad, he still loves me." Said Ginny.

"…I bequeath another bludger to the head."

"WHAT?!" *BONK!* "OW!"

"And one more for the wimp." *BONK!* "OW!"

"Next, to my business partner, George..."

"I have a feeling I know where this is going." Said George, reaching into his jacket with a sly grin forming.

"You and your brother Fred's dream has repaid me for my initial investment of 1000 Galleons into your joke shop many times over, though I feel I must assist you in getting you out of your depression that you have been suffering since Fred's death… and so I leave you a bludger to the head."

"I knew it!" George laughed, pulling out a bludger club that looked like his old one from his Quidditch days at Hogwarts and batting the bludger away… right into the faces of Ron and Ginny. The bludger ricocheted off Ron's nose and hit Ginny in the side of the head this time, finally coming to a rest at the middle of the table, but not for long.

"And one for Ginny and the wimp."

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

"AH!"

"Dear Merlin why!" moaned Ron, whose nose was definitely broken and bleeding by this point. Ginny was clearly concussed at this point with her head swaying in a circle, looking like she was on the edge of unconsciousness.

George chuckled, "And that is why I carry a bat with me. No one expects a wizard to have club on hand!"

"Now, onto my dearest friend Hermione..."

"Oh, uh I don't need anything." Hermione responded nervously looking around at the carnage around her, though Malfoy and George were laughing at the displeasure wrought upon Ron and Ginny.

"…who has been a constant companion since first year at Hogwarts, tutoring me, supporting me, made me laugh when I needed it, brought me tea, and being by my side until the end of my days, taking care of me when all others forsook me like my wife..."

"Oh, I didn't mind, it was the least I could do for such a good friend." she blushed meekly.

"… to Hermione, I bequeath a bludger to the head."

*BONK!*

"MOTHER-FUCKER!"

To this, everyone was shocked to their core. Firstly, to the bludger to Hermione's head, as they all thought that Harry would have spared her from his apparent wrath, but her outburst of language left everyone stunned. Even Daphne was silent for a moment.

"Umm…" Daphne recovered, finding where she had left off. "…to my house-elves, especially my longtime friend Dobby…"

*POP*

Hermione squealed in surprise as Dobby the house-elf appeared in the room with all of them. "DOBBY?! I thought you were dead, we buried you out by Shell Cottage."

Dobby, shrugged, "Dobby got better."

"…Though he endangered my life and body more times than I can count, he nonetheless saved me on more than one occasion. I nonetheless feel it appropriate to bequeath to Dobby a gift that he may find appropriate given his actions, my second year at Hogwarts. I bequeath, my vast… bludger to the head."

*BONK!*

"THANK YOU HARRY POTTER SIR!" Dobby cried out in a mixture of pain and joy as the vengeful bludger collided into Dobby, only for him to pop out of the room.

"Well, that was strange." Said George.

"I swear he was not like that when my family owned him..." Said Malfoy.

"And now onto my alcoholic, distant cousin, Draco Malfoy..." Began Daphne.

"Nope, I do not want any bludger to the head!" he slurred.

"…to dear Malfoy, who has never worked a day in his drunken, adult life."

"Covering my head, covering my head." He cried out as he covered his head in his hands and arms.

"Who constantly belittled me, my friends, my dead parents, worshiped the dark wanker known as Tom Riddle, tried to sell that pureblood bullshit to anyone who would listen…"

"Covering me head!" Now ducking his head under the heavy conference table at an awkward angle as his ass was still affixed to the chair he was in.

"…I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest fire whiskey."

"Really?" Malfoy poked his head up above the table, exposing himself.

"…and a bludger to the 'nads."

"What?"

*CRUNCH!*

"OOOOOOOH!" Malfoy collapsed in his chair, bent at the waist.

George winced terribly, even if it was Malfoy. "Oh… oh man. That's just cruel."

Ron responded, "Not as cruel as what Ginny and I have been hit with!"

Daphne's now dreaded voice called out again, "Speaking of which, another bludger for Ron and Ginny.

*BONK!* "AH!"

*BONK!*

"Is Ginny even still alive at this point? She has been a bit quiet after the third bludger…" Asked Hermione, realizing that she wasn't moving that much either.

"…hmm, can't have anyone passed out. Let me fix that." Daphne pulled out a spray bottle from her bag, and sprayed in Ginny's direction, waking her up - though she was regretting being awoken up with all the brain damage she had sustained.

"What was that?" Hermione asked.

"Just water in a spray bottle. Works all the time in disciplining the cats at home." Replied Daphne with a shrug before continuing. George snorted at that.

"And finally, to my lawyer, Daphne Greengrass, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a bludger to the head… but a rabid and aggressive niffler to be placed in her trousers?! What the…?!" she exclaimed as a lump appeared in her business attire with gnawing sounds being made soon after. Sounded uncomfortable. "OOOoh! Ouch ouch ouch, hot hot hot, why is that hot?! … and I leave my entire estate of ten million galleons to be split between Hermione, and my children with the hope that they move to somewhere decent outside this backwater country! WHEW!" As she finished her statement, the lump disappeared, and she returned to her normal business manner as if nothing happened.

"Is that it?" Ron asked.

"Filthy mongrel!" Malfoy replied with a voice infinitely higher pitched than it was previously.

"There is one more thing for everyone."

"Cover your heads!" replied soprano Malfoy.

"I leave everyone a lifetime supply of Florean Fortescue's ice cream."

"Ice Cream?" Ron asked.

"I queam?" Asked a dizzy Ginny.

"Ice cream, that's all?" Asked George

"What flavor is it?" Asked Hermione.

"…Bludger to the head." Finished Daphne.

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

*BONK!*

"And that concludes the last will and testament of Harry James Potter. Gringotts thanks you for your time and wishes to remind you to continue to bank with us in the future. Not like you have any other choice here in Wizarding Britain. Good day." Daphne gathered up all of the documents, stood up, and somewhat gingerly walked out of the room. Upon her leaving the room, the charm that was holding everyone in their seats was depowered, and everyone slunk the floor most of them moaning. Only George was chuckling.

"Good one Harry, I knew you were a Marauder at heart."