Cleansing

"I won't hold her. I won't touch her, not until she wants me to."

The rain had thoroughly soaked her yukata to her skin and lacey patterns clung to her body in a delicate and intricate manner, she still dragged tobiume at her side letting its blade leave a trail in the dirt. She had sensed Kira's confusion from the start, why had she chosen to push it?

A scream was stifled in her throat, a part of her scrambled to prove her independence and justify her means up until now, where another part of her wanted to crumble and just be held. Both wishes contradicted the other, and she couldn't help feeling completely distraught of one without the other.

The guilt of indecision and confusion added to the already mounting chaos within her, what could she do now?

She didn't know how long she stood there in the rain. The tiny drops continued to berate her senses, the patter on the roof like a thousand beaded necklaces spilling and shattering on its surface.

'I'm sorry…'

Kira gradually regained composure, what was done was done. He had chosen to reject the position as Hinamori's pillar of comfort. It had felt awkward, especially when her heart was so torn and battered in confusion already. He indeed cared for her deeply, beyond camaraderie, but breaching the fine line was a risk, and Kira Izuru was never a risk taker.

There was too much to jeopardize, despite his own desires, after watching Aizen's emotional rape of Hinamori's mind, he could never forgive himself if he ever hurt her like that.

It was for the best, he decided. His pale hand subconsciously curled into a fist as he continued on to find Captain Unohana. Hinamori was in no condition to wander about in the rain, but he was too much of a coward to face her now.

The blond hastily rounded a corner but paused as he faced a familiar face.

No words were exchanged between the two, but Kira's shocked expression and lack of articulation sufficed for communication.

"Thank you Kira, I'll take it from here."

She hadn't realized when she had arrived there; maybe it was the rushing water's hum from the riverbed that had attracted her. But nonetheless she had found herself on the small bridge, hypnotized by the suddenly savage flow of water created from the rain, which seemed innocent enough as it fell on her shoulders in docile drops.

Her pale hand gripped the edge of the rail, as she fell to her knees. Her body's condition had caught up with her.

No. She was in utter refusal, whilst inside her was chaos, she didn't need any more reason to appear any more … pathetic.

She was sick of this self-pity, but felt that she had to punish herself in some way. All of it began to mount. Her feelings of being betrayed by the man she looked up to- no the man she thought she had loved. Her feelings of being used by another to the point where she questioned her own sense of being and her life until now. Her actions of isolating herself from the people close to her. It was all her fault. What had happened to days when Izuru and Renji would come tease her and keep each other company between classes? What happened to the vice-captains meetings where they all enjoyed each others company? What happened to the times with Shiro …

She winced at the name. It was Captain Hitsugaya now, she could never bring herself to get used to that title, a futile smile of vague remembrance cast on her lips.

She had lost him too, and she had no one to blame but herself.

By the time he had found her she had been lying on the bridge, her body refusing to move. But she was still completely awake, letting her thoughts wash onto her over and over again like the endless raindrops.

He had walked over to her body in haste, her eyes were out of focus as if in a daze as they turned to face him. He could feel himself tense, the way she looked sprawled on the bridge like some broken doll. Rain had cleanly seeped through the thin fabric of her clothes and her locks clung in curls onto her face, her brown eyes on him the whole time, but not really seeing him at all.

"Hinamori…" her name fell from his lips, breaking over her like a raindrop.

He had grown. The scrawny boy from Rukongai that was her best friend… was he really the same man that now knelt beside her, Captain Hitsugaya of the Tenth Division, revered genius. She eyed his steady gaze and pasted frown.

She chuckled as if in a drunken state as she reminisced, consciousness was finally fleeting from her body.

"Don't look at me like that, Captain Hitsugaya."

He watched her lids finally collapse, and couldn't help but feel relief, their empty gaze had been too much for him to handle, not when he was used to seeing them with such shine and happiness reflected in them.

He studied her soaked frame. Removing his captain's jacket and placing it over her form he picked her up cautiously, as if she were made of glass and used shunpo to return towards the buildings in the tenth division.

Matsumoto, for once had asked no questions and simply cocked her head in acknowledgement as he walked into the Tenth Division quarters and into his room.

The room was already lit, and he settled her body onto his futon. All the while his body went through systematic actions: telling Matsumoto to tell Captain Unohana that Hinamori was in his care, turning off all the lights in the division office, and returning to his room promptly. He had busied himself with these tasks, in hoping to counter the inner mental turmoil that continued to brew impatiently.

He had come back from Karakura Town for the time being. The decision was sudden, and Matsumoto had been supportive and followed her Captain back without demanding of a reason, for she had probably already known it. But, the logical captain, the one that always had a plan and was one step ahead, had not foreseen what his return would bring to him.

In truth, he was at a loss of what to do completely. He knew what he wanted to do. Hesitant steps were taken to Hinamori's sleeping body. They hadn't been alone like this in a long time. His gaze intensified, feeling that he was for sure at fault for the distance created. Staring at her pale face, which seemed to be at false peace, he reluctantly rose his hand to brush stray strands from her face. Quickly he pulled it away. He had no right to touch her.

His brow furrowed as anger began to dilute his senses, he would throw it all away. His title as Captain, the years of distance, and even his cold demeanor, he would give up it all if it meant that he could break such formalities such as the bond of mere subordinates. His reason became clouded, and logic remain forgotten he found his body moving on its own. A steady hand snaked around her waist and crushed it against his body as if the warmth of her body was like oxygen on which he needed to survive. Her tiny frame melded against his and he could hear their heartbeats reverberate off of each other from such close contact.

Her eyes fluttered open, the sudden contact of direct heat caused her body to respond. For the first time since her wake, she felt herself involuntarily relax as her body seemed to be drawn to the warmth. She didn't have time to register and calculate what she should have done, just for the time being it felt so good to be like this.

"I'm sorry… Toushirou." Her apology was whispered to the side since her ear lay on his heart. Surprisingly, he hadn't loosened his hold on her when she woke up again. Strange, he had never been one to excessively comfort her.

The foreign title registered slowly, she had never called him that before. It had always been Hitsugaya, or Captain Hitsugaya, and at sometimes Shiro but… her sudden address of his name caught him by surprise.

"Don't be." His mouth was dry despite all the things that could have been said, now that she was awake, he planned on keeping some distance, she wasn't ready. And he wouldn't force her.

Reluctantly he withdrew his hold on her, and tried not to read her reaction, he slowly moved from his position to stand up, but her hand grasped his wrist almost frantically.

She had moved on reflex, all reason and guilt that had washed over her that night protested against her act of dependence. But she couldn't let go, the sudden lack of heat caused her to feel more isolated and lonely than ever. She would be pathetic tonight, if she could be with him.

His gaze was steady into her eyes. She dropped her head to tear the gaze that threatened to read her worries and thoughts. She had always depended on him, but she was sick of playing the damsel in distress.

Her hand released its grip on his wrist, how could she expect to depend on him when she had betrayed the very trust that they had forged over years of friendship? Tears fell against her will, and she savagely covered her lids from view, she didn't need them, not now. Why did it hurt so much to lose her dependence on him, was it because she was the closest thing to the Captain figure she had clung her dreams upon… a swell of remorse fell over her, she couldn't bear to hurt him again.

He watched, struggling to maintain a rational expression.

'I won't hold her. I won't touch her, not until she wants me to.'

He respected her too much, he loved her too much. Love, so commonly abused as the indulging of one's own selfish pleasure, whereas in truth love was the will to do anything for the one you love to be happy. He didn't care if they were never together, so long as she was happy, he could forgive himself for not being able to protect her.

His hand reached towards her chin and forced her tears to surrender to his gaze as he pressed his forehead against hers. They could feel each other breathe. Both ragged from frustration.

"Do you need me?"

Hitsugaya's question hung in the air, holding all that he had to say to her for now.

'Because I need you…' his eyes searched her face for a sign, trying to keep an expression that wouldn't coax an answer from her, he wanted what she wanted.

Her eyes looked into his, uncertain of how to respond to the blatant question pressed upon her. Emotions began to churn, and she wanted so badly…

"Do you need me?" He asked again with the same fervor but barely whispered it audibly.

It took all the control he had to not push her for an immediate answer. He needed her, but wanted her to be content with herself more than anything. It was out of respect for her pride, which he knew she held dear to her. It was part of the reason she loved her most, and so he would wait.

She broke the gaze with his eyes and laid her forehead against his chest, shaking and uncertain hands grasping the collar of his black shinigami robes.

"Yes."

The wave of emotions and regret that she expected to drown her were unexpectedly appeased, and she felt as if a burden that she had taken on had lightened considerably.

"I'm sorry. That I always need you." She looked up, and was startled to see his surprised expression which quickly faded into his usual smug grin as he cocked his eyebrow playfully.

"I don't mind," the tone of his voice suddenly changing to the brisk way he usually spoke with her. A smile played on his lips.

"Shiro…" she questioned at his sudden change of atmosphere, but feeling somewhat relieved, that things could feel normal.

"Neh… Hinamori, do you plan on releasing my robes any time soon, or are you going to wait until they've fallen off completely?" His green eyes challenged her playfully.

Noticing that her grip had caused the neck of his robes to uncover quite a bit of his chest, she withdrew her hands quickly and flushed. She had been clueless towards her actions.

"S-sorry!" Her hands moved to cover her reddening face, but his swift reflexes imprisoned her escaping hand in his. His gaze was strong, and caused her to flush even more.

Words didn't have to be spoken of their feelings, tonight seemed the exception, neither was up to confessing anything as far as a love confession, but the way their body's responded new that their feelings of need were mutual.

He held his hand against hers, and her eyes widened. Her hand seemed so small, dwindling in size from his. Her fingertips far from his, he had grown. She hadn't noticed until now, his features seemed much more pronounced and matured to fit his personality that had never been very child-like. She was pretty sure that he would be taller than her now as well…

Hitsugaya sighed with false impatience, and she turned her head in reaction, knowing that he had probably caught her looking at him.

He cocked a grin and brought his hand to the back of her neck and brushed his lips against hers. The kiss was a curing sensation. He broke it off and smiled at her flustered reaction, taking pleasure in it. It was like old times again, when he would tease her, and she would turn red from embarrassment, he let a chuckle escape his lips.

Hinamori regained her composure, and let a smile release. It felt refreshing, to be able to feel it spread across her lips genuinely.

Inside, Hitsugaya relaxed considerably, it was still there, her smile. That smile he lived to protect.

She let her body lean against his chest propping her head under his chin and letting his arms cling around her waist, basking in the heat that radiated from his skin.

She was unsure if she would regret this, if this was what she wanted, but for the moment…

"Thank you. I'm afraid I still need you."

She smiled weakly feeling a bit ashamed sitting in his lap.

She felt his hold on her tighten around her waist and his head rest on her shoulder next to her ear.

"I need you too."


I hope that was long enough to appease you dear readers, I tend to write short chapters, I'll lengthen them as I go along. For those who think that I'm done, I'm afraid I've only just started my development, how will Hinamori react to her sudden bond forged with Hitsugaya when they have been so formal for so long?

She still has much to go through, and I hope you gained the impression that she isn't submitting to becoming dependent, but she's learning to rely on others as they rely on her in order to grow stronger. Thanks for reading!

sibba: Thank you for reading, sorry if the update was later than expected, I wanted to make this chapter really well executed.

Amore Domitum Omnie: I hope I updated promptly enough for you as well, thanks! I'm trying really hard to pin the emotions onto the characters in a believable way, I'm happy it seems to be working!

Sango Hikari: Thanks for the grammar advice, I hope I improved a little bit with this chapter, but there was a lot to say, so there's bound to be lots of mistakes! Sorry! I'll try my best to fix it up best I can.

Lazy ass: I was trying to go for a dramatic refrain like thing with that line, so I'm really happy that it stood out to you!

SnufflesWillRise: Is it long enough? It seemed forever to write. It's as long as I can go for right now, I'll try to make them lengthier from here on out though!

Thank you so much for reading!