Chapter 29
Tuesday, Dec.1 - 8:17 pm
Curling up with a good book was always something Remus enjoyed. It helped him to unwind and he usually waited until later in the evening to read, when interruptions were few and the house was sure to be quieter. With Katie away helping Liz with the new baby, Remus had virtually nothing to do but read. It was a rare occurrence, but one Remus wasn't going to overlook. After lighting a fire and pouring himself a glass of wine, he relaxed against the sofa, propped his feet up on the footstool, and opened a book he had been longing to read.
A knock at the door was an unwelcome disturbance. Who could that be? Shaking his head in disbelief at the timing, Remus placed his book aside and went to the door. He placed a transparent enchantment on the door to verify that it wasn't a wayward Muggle salesman soliciting some unwanted product. To his surprise, it most certainly was not a Muggle. However it wasn't someone he particularly wanted to see right at this moment, if any. Knowing that he would only make matters worse if he ignored the visitor, Remus, took a deep breath, pursed his lips and opened the door.
"Good evening Mr. Lupin."
"Good evening Liam."
"I know I'm the last person you expected to see."
"Indeed, especially since Roarke isn't here this evening."
"I know. But I didn't come to talk to Roarke."
From the way Liam was looking at him, Remus knew that this wasn't going to be a casual conversation. "I see," Remus replied, readying himself for whatever verbal shots Liam might take at him. After all, Roarke had probably told Liam the details of her last few encounters with Remus, and much to Remus' disappointment, those meetings hadn't ended very well.
"May I come in?" Liam asked, rubbing his hands together, "or do you want to talk out here in the cold?"
"No, no. Come in."Remus closed the door behind them and led Liam into the den. He invited Liam to have a seat, but noticed that the young man sat at the edge of his chair as if ready to pounce. This didn't bode well to Remus.
Liam looked around expectantly. "Isn't Mrs. Lupin home?"
"No. She's helping over at the Black's house. Now, why did you come over here, Liam?"
"I considered starting with some small talk, but that didn't seem very appropriate," Liam stated, rubbing his hand together somewhat nervously.
Remus nodded. "It would be best for you to just get right to the point. I can only assume you are here about Roarke."
"That would be quite right."
"You want my permission to date her."
"No, sir." Remus' eyebrows went up in surprise at this. "I don't need your permission to date her," Liam stated evenly.
Liam's bluntness astonished Remus. "I beg your pardon?"
"She's a grown woman. She is capable of making her own decisions." Before Remus could object to the statement, Liam continued. "However, I would like your blessing."
Thoroughly taken aback, Remus said, "My blessing? You want my blessing to pursue my daughter?
"Yes, sir."
"You honestly thought I would grant you my approval of your relationship? Give you my blessing to date her?"
"Actually I want to marry her," he boldly admitted.
Stunned at the young man's forwardness, Remus sat open mouthed for a moment before letting out a small chuckle. "I don't believe it. What ever gave you the impression that I would agree to such a thing?"
"Nothing."
"Then why ask me? Why even come to me?"
"Because the fact that you and I don't get along is killing Roarke. Now, I love her enough to do whatever it takes to find a common ground here. I was hoping that you would do the same."
Remus felt a hot flash of anger and even noticed that he barred his teeth momentarily before reasserting control. "You are out of line, Mr. Zetter."
Something flashed in Liam's eyes for a fleeting moment, before he broke Remus' gaze. Liam forced a calm attitude and apologized. "Forgive me, but I didn't mean to insult you, only to explain why I was here."
"Which is?" Remus' intent look bore down even harder.
"I told you. I want to know what I did that made you dislike me so much and how I can fix it."
Again a laugh escaped Remus' lips. It was becoming quite obvious to Remus that Liam was trying desperately to keep the conversation as easy as possible, even to the extent of taking blame for their disagreements. It was an act that Remus knew wouldn't last very long. "Oh, Liam. You make it sound as if it's one little, simple thing, when in reality it's so complex I don't even know where to begin."
Liam's eyes narrowed as he dropped the act at last. "Is it me personally you have a problem with, or is it just the lycanthropy?"
The forced smile on Remus' face and was replaced by a hard stare.
Liam nodded his head as Remus stayed silent. "I take it that it's the lycanthropy. A bit hypocritical, don't you think?"
"No," Remus bit out. "My situation is quite different from yours."
"Really? Because as far as I know, you and I both deal with the same problem when the moon is full," Liam stated flippantly.
"Except that I've been "dealing with it", as you say, for over fifty years." The bitter comment had the intended effect, causing Liam to shift uncomfortably in his seat. "You believe that one year as a werewolf has taught you everything there is to know about lycanthropy. That simply isn't the case, Liam."
"I never said I know everything, but I know a damn sight more than you give me credit for," Liam said intensely.
"Oh really? Tell me, Liam, have you ever gone through a transformation without the Wolfsbane Potion?"
Liam frowned. "No, but I don't see what that disgusting brew has to do with anything. I still transform. I still feel the pull of the moon - just like you do."
"Very true. It is disgusting, but it is also necessary in order to stop you from feeling the real effects of this curse. Consider that I did not have the luxury of potion for the first twenty-five years or so."
"Luxury?" Liam said with a snort.
"Yes, Liam, luxury." It was time for Remus to start making some points very clear to Liam, as he was obviously missing out on the true nature of the wolf. "You think you've felt real pain during your transformations? You don't know pain until you wake up in a cold shed to find your fingernails torn away and bleeding from scratching at the walls, and your shoulder broken from the constant beating your body took when you tossed yourself against the door trying to rip it from it's hinges and free you from your prison. Even more so, the fear that you will somehow get out and kill an innocent person, or worse, pass on the curse, plagues you constantly." Remus let his words sink in. "That is what the potion does for you. It allows you to keep your mind. Without it, you become nothing more than a wild animal desperate to hunt and kill anything - anyone - that stands in your way."
"All right - I get it. I won't ever forget to take my potion." Liam shrugged. "I don't even understand why you think I would go ever go without it."
"I don't think that. I'm just trying to prove a point to you. Your experience with the curse has been quite limited; I don't feel you fully appreciate the danger of it."
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Liam said, rolling his eyes.
Remus sent a piercing stare at the younger man. "I most certainly am not kidding about this. This is not a joking matter."
Liam rose quickly to his feet, pointing a finger at Remus. "You have no right to tell me I don't know the dangers of this curse after the hellish year I've had! Remember, I got to witness Oliver's trial and murder up close."
Remus stood up, keeping his eyes fixed on Liam. "This year has been nothing compared to some of the horrors you might face in the future. What happens when the moon is full and you are unable to brew the potion? What happens to Roarke then? Do you just expect her to easily escape a werewolf?"
"If you didn't want Roarke exposed to lycanthropy then why the hell did you have children?"
Eyes going wide, Remus said, "Oh believe me, that decision didn't come lightly. However, I spent many years before I started a family finding new and better ways to protect those that I loved from the wolf. Katie and I never approached a full moon without planning precisely where I would be, where the children would be, and even then accidents happened. I have never been more terrified in my life than the two times that I was unable to take the potion and fully separate myself from my family for a transformation."
"Amazing. You admit to having made a mistake," Liam mocked.
Remus scowled. "Yes, I have made mistakes even when I put all my effort into making sure my family would be safe. Based on that, how am I supposed to trust you to take the same care of my daughter?"
Liam's eyes went wild. "I would die if ever I hurt Roarke."
"Yes, you would because I would kill you."
Liam went silent, staring back at Remus with angry eyes. "So - what? I have to wait fifty years to prove to you I know something about lycanthropy? Would I be allowed to marry Roarke then?"
Remus shook his head. "Your lack of respect for this curse proves my point." Turning around, Remus headed for the door. "I think it's time you left, Liam."
Jaw firm, Liam nodded his head slightly. "Fine. If that's the way you want it."
Remus looked over his shoulder. "What do you mean?"
Liam cocked an eyebrow. "I mean that if I walk out of here and tell Roarke nothing was settled between us, then don't expect her to be too pleased with you."
"Oh, yes, I imagine your version of tonight's proceedings will be quite one sided," mocked Remus.
"I will tell her the truth." Liam said pointedly. "You will simply have to live with the consequences."
Remus was tired of listening to Liam's argument, but he couldn't resist hearing Liam's far-fetched ideas of how the situation might turn out. "And what, pray tell, are those?"
"The fact that Roarke will choose to be with me regardless of your opinion."
"I highly doubt that."
Liam shrugged. "Suit yourself."
Something about Liam's confidence gave Remus pause. "You have no reason to believe such a thing unless Roarke actually said she would marry you regardless of how her family felt about it?"
"Well, she didn't say that exactly."
"Precisely my point." Remus said smugly, turning back to the door.
"But she did ask me to make love to her."
Remus froze with his hand on the doorknob.
"And more than once."
Slowly, Remus turned to face him, his face ashen. "Please tell me you didn't."
"Would I be here talking to you about this if I had?" There was a heavy pause before Liam continued. "But trust me, I've been tempted more than once. Whether you want to believe it or not, the only reason we haven't made love is because I said no, and let me tell you that it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I desperately want to be with her, but I also want to see if there is any chance of working things out with you before we make a final decision on where we are going with our lives."
Remus wet his lips, contemplating what Liam had said. "Roarke...has she...spent the night with you?"
"How do you mean? I just told you that we haven't - "
"Has she slept with you in your bed?" Remus asked bluntly.
A blush rose on the younger man's cheeks. "Yeah, a couple of times."
Remus nodded, knowing full well from personal experience that it would be next to impossible for Liam to be without Roarke, now. As much as it pained Remus to admit it, they had already begun to mate. "Then why are you here, Liam, as it seems you two have already made your decision."
"I told you why I was here. God." Liam ran a hand through his fringe in frustration. "Didn't you understand me when I asked what I could do to set things right?"
"Yes, I did, but what I want from you obviously isn't going to happen."
"If you mean for me to leave, then no. I'm not going to leave. But I would do anything else if it would mean you and I could get along. Do you want me to go through a transformation without the potion next full moon and lock myself away somewhere so I can experience 'real pain'? Would that satisfy you?"
"No, Liam. Good God. Don't be absurd. I would never wish that on anyone."
"Well, it seems that's what you're hung up on. That I haven't been a werewolf long enough to really understand this curse. But you know what?" Liam pointed a finger at Remus as his thoughts suddenly shifted, "I actually think I know better than you what this curse is about. Come to think of it - yeah - I do have a better grasp on what's at stake here."
The statement angered Remus beyond belief. "How can you possibly know better than I? One year is nothing!"
"Oh, I'll agree with you that you have suffered much longer than I have, but it doesn't mean you know more about it."
"Yes it does!"
"No, it doesn't, and here's why." Liam pointed at himself. "I remember being human. I remember fully what it felt like to be human. I used to be able to travel whenever I wanted to without consulting the government. I used to be known solely as Liam Zetter and not some horrid registry number. If I had a really bad day, I could go to the pub and get drunk! Imagine that! I used to wear a silver necklace that was passed down to me from my granddad. I have stood under a full moon as a man, enjoyed it's beauty, and took it for granted. I remember distinctly waking up in St. Mungo's and feeling...knowing something was wrong." His eyes were piercing as he asked, "Do you remember that, Mr. Lupin? Do you even remember being human?"
Remus held his stare, silently keeping his emotions in check. He was physically shaking, enraged by what Liam had said. Not that Liam had said it, but that he was right. Swallowing hard, Remus fought back his urge to throw the young man against a wall and tell him to shut up. Instead, he managed a cold, barely audible, "I think you had better leave."
Liam blinked and the hard look on his face fell. "Mr. Lupin, I only meant - "
"I understood you perfectly. Now, please leave," Remus said through gritted teeth.
Liam looked away in disappointment, a heavy sigh escaping his throat. "Please, Mr. Lupin, let me - "
"Go!" Remus demanded, opening the door. A cold wind swept into the room, chilling Remus to the bone.
"Fine. I'll go."
He brushed past Remus and walked out into the winter night. Liam swore under his breath once outside, but Remus never heard it. He was too busy slamming the door and trying desperately to remember what it felt like to be five years old...and human.
11:43 pm that same night
Sleep would not come no matter how hard Remus wished for it. He flipped from one side to the other, only to give up and settle for staring at the ceiling. His thoughts were a jumbled mess with no easy way to straighten them out. Liam's question rang in his ears, the quiet of the night lending no distraction. Do you even remember being human? Rolling the question over in his mind again and again, Remus shook his head and sighed out loud, finally admitting to himself that Liam had made an excellent point.
"Are you going to tell me about it or just lay there and brood all night long?" a soft voice said from his left.
When Katie had arrived back at the house, Liam had only been gone a few minutes. Remus was in quite a state, angry with Liam while at the same time angry with himself. Katie had asked what had happened and all Remus had been able to offer her at the time was that he had had yet another argument with Liam and that he had just wanted to forget about it. Remus knew that he needed to tell her what had been said, and he did want to tell her, he just needed some time to calm down first. Supposing this was as calm as he was ever going to get where this topic was concerned, Remus turned his head to look at his wife and expose the details of the evening.
"He wants to marry her."
"Um hum," Katie hummed in acknowledgement.
"You don't seem surprised."
"I'm not. I saw this coming the moment I heard Liam was back in England. I take it that he asked you for her hand."
"No actually, he didn't."
"Really?"
"He said he wanted my blessing, but that my permission wasn't needed," Remus explained bitterly.
Katie thought a moment. "Well, he's right about that. Roarke is an adult."
"She's nineteen."
"Which is legally an adult."
"Which is a foolish law if you ask me. Married at nineteen -"
"Like Ron and Hermione."
Remus frowned. "That's a different situation. They knew each other for years."
"And James and Lily."
Remus propped himself up on his elbow. "Whose side are you on?"
"I'm not on anyone's side. I'm just helping you to realize that you only have a problem with her young age because she is your daughter. You didn't have any trouble accepting the fact that James and Lily wanted to be married young...or Ron and Hermione."
Remus flopped back down on the bed with a groan. He closed his eyes and gave in. "All right. Point taken."
"But that isn't what's really bothering you, now is it?" prodded Katie.
Slowly opening his eyes, Remus focused on a spot on the ceiling and whispered, "No."
This time Katie leaned up on her elbow. "Tell me, or you'll fret about it all night long and keep us both awake."
Remus wet his lips, keeping his gaze upward, and said, "Do you know what my earliest full memory is? By that I mean true, fleshed out memory, complete with all the details."
"No. What?"
"My first transformation," Remus said softly. "My parents had taken me from healer to healer, trying to find a cure. But the only solution even tolerable to them was to lock me in a room upstairs at our old house. They had been told that since I was so...young...that I probably wouldn't cause much damage. I was convinced I had done something bad and was being punished. I felt so sick all day, and I couldn't understand why. After all, the bite had healed by then. I can still picture my mother's terrified face as she shut the door." Remus closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "I didn't know what was happening. I didn't understand. But oh my God, Katie, it hurt like hell. I really think the first transformation is the worst one." He sighed and turned his head to look at her.
"Is this what you and Liam fought about?"
"In a way. He asked me if I remembered what it was to be human."
Katie scowled. "He what?"
"I realize that you don't agree with the idea that the curse strips us of our humanity, but Katie, it does."
"No, Remus, it doesn't. If it did you and I wouldn't have three wonderful and perfectly normal children."
"Katie, I am not human. I don't feel what you feel. I don't smell what you smell. I don't hear what you hear. I look the part, yes, but my blood is tainted."
"Did Liam say these things to you?" Katie bit out, incensed by what she was hearing.
"No. No, he just asked if I remembered being human. His point was that he knew very well the dangers of lycanthropy because he had so recently lost his humanity, and all the rights and feelings that are attached, due to the curse. I've been too focused on the fact that he's only dealt with these issues for one year, compared to my fifty, to even consider his point of view."
"What does this have to do with your first transformation?"
Remus locked eyes with his wife. "I don't remember anything before it. Well, except for a few flashes of birthday parties, family outings, and of course...the time I stupidly wandered out into the woods in the middle of the night. But I don't recall how I felt at those times. Does anyone? Is it even possible for a person to recall how their body felt when they were just six years old?"
Katie wisely let the question go unanswered. "So, what does this mean," she asked tentatively. "Do you have a new opinion of Liam?"
Remus shrugged. "I still don't like the idea of Roarke marrying him."
"Why not?"
"Honestly, I don't want her spending the rest of her life dealing with this curse, which sounds hypocritical, I know. But Katie, when you and I decided to have children, one of the reservations I had was that they would be forced to deal with this curse for years and years. My only comfort was in knowing that one day they would be grown up with lives of their own - lives that had nothing to do with lycanthropy. By choosing to marry Liam, Roarke will never experience that. I don't want that for her."
"Remus," Katie sighed, placing a gentle hand on his chest, "do you honestly think that our children will grow up to forget about lycanthropy? It's part of them and it always will be."
"But not like it was when they were young."
"True, but they will never look at a full moon without thinking of you."
"So you're saying...I should let it go."
Katie nodded silently.
"I should allow them to be married."
"They're going to be married whether you like it or not, Remus. Wouldn't you rather let bygones be bygones and remain an active part of Roarke's life, rather than hold a grudge and remain bitter and risk losing her?"
Remus took hold of the hand resting on his chest. "Liam said the same thing. I'm starting to dislike him even more."
"Because he's right?"
There was a very long pause before Remus allowed his voice to creak out an unwelcome, "Yes."
Katie snuggled against him in reassurance. "Now, was that so hard to admit?"
"Yes, and furthermore, what has me really tied up in knots is that I have to admit it to him."
Katie kissed his shoulder. "I love you."
Remus looked down at her with a crooked smile. "Despite the fact that I've been so ill tempered lately?"
"Oh, I knew you'd come around eventually."
Remus held her tightly against him. "I love you, too. More than you will every know."
She rose up just enough to place a tender kiss on his mouth. Pulling away slightly, Remus played with a strand of her hair for a moment before asking, "What are we doing for Sunday dinner?"
"No plans. Why?"
"I thought we might invite Roarke...and Liam."
Surprised, Katie asked, "Are you sure?"
"No, not fully. It will take a while for me to adjust to having him around as a permanent fixture, but I know that the sooner I start making amends the better things will be."
"Then Sunday dinner it is." She kissed him again, pulling away only briefly to say, "I could serve humble pie for dessert if you'd like?"
Remus groaned and silenced her with another kiss.
