A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews! POV will probably change at some point in future chapters, I'll give you a heads up when that happens!
I don't know why I was so nervous. Maybe in my mind, I had made this discussion a be all and end all event. It wasn't. Ending it all never crossed his mind and I'm taking a lot of comfort in that.
Henry was actually excited for me, excited for the opportunity and the good that I could do in a position like Secretary of State. He wasn't even slightly concerned about the distance… two hours isn't long, especially when you have no weekend commitments tying you to a place. I won't be able to spend many weekends in Charlottesville, but thankfully he can spend almost all of his in DC.
The next few months are bound to be the most wild of my life. They're going to be the most wild of everyone I know. Max isn't exactly excited about it, Ali and Jason aren't either. This wasn't an easy decision, but the easy thing and the right thing are rarely the same.
I have to understand the concern that Max has about being so far away from Ali and Jason. This is the only time he's ever really been away from them. Before this decision, we split time 50/50, we both went to every after school event, every fundraiser, took pictures before every school dance, everything 50/50. My choice to accept my role changed everything.
I know Max is frustrated but I'm incredibly thankful for his support. He initially wanted me to say no and I understand why… but he knew saying yes was the right answer for me and the right answer for the country. He doesn't have the same level of commitment to the country that I do… but he supports it and tries to understand it.
Henry understands my commitment. He understands my drive to serve my country and my president. It's just one incredibly deep level we instantly connected on.
There have been a lot of deep levels that we have connected on. He can't understand what it's like to grow up without one his parents like Stevie is… but I can, and in a lot of ways it's helped him understand what she's going through; what life is like for her.
He was the only one who knew that I wasn't saying yes to my nomination because I wanted it… he knew from the moment that I told him I had the opportunity that it was never about what I wanted… it was about what was needed of me. Truth be told, I didn't want this.
I didn't want to leave my farm, I didn't want to leave UVA, I didn't want to put my children in this position, I didn't want to put my relationship with him in this position… but it's so much bigger than me.
Henry understood that before I could. That was one of those deeper levels. He understood my soul before I could even begin to decide what was in my soul.
I worry sometimes that our souls could potentially be in different places. I think we both want very similar things for the rest of our lives but I think in some ways he is looking for a second shot at the family he never got to have; I'm not necessarily looking for that.
It's not that I'm not looking for a lifetime partner, someone to support and have support from unconditionally… but he's looking for one big, blended family, and I don't think my reality and his fantasy will combine how he's hoping.
None of that changes the fact that I love that man… I love him in a way I've never known. His love is different but it was the different that I needed. He quickly found his way to the deepest, darkest secrets that I held close… and he never judged them.
I'm afraid those will come out in my confirmation hearings. The last thing I want to do is drag him down with me. I know he'd jump off the ship and sink down with me in a heartbeat, that's something I love about him, but I don't want him to ever feel that that is ever an option.
As much as I want to tell him this… I can't find the words and even if I could I know he wouldn't really listen. That's not a bad thing, but he would never listen to me telling him that he doesn't have to sacrifice himself and his peace for me. I love that about him… as much as I hate that he doesn't think of himself sometimes, I love that he always thinks of others.
My first confirmation hearings start in two days. I don't know if I should start packing things and looking for a house in DC… or start preparing a syllabus for my classes next semester. Both seem equally plausible to me but Max, Henry, Ali, and Jason all seem to think differently.
I think Henry was more prepared for this than I was. He knows the next few weeks are going to be crazy… just like I do, but I think he might know the crazy a little better than me.
He brought up the fact that we likely won't have some of the simply luxuries of private life that we do now. Dinner dates, movies, even morning coffee runs will be different. They'll all be less often… but they'll be different even when they do happen.
Taking advantage of these last days of true freedom were his idea. Conrad agreed to give me a couple of days before he announced my nomination, Henry knew exactly what to do.
I'm not sure how he managed to get this reservation. The last time we got reservations here we had to schedule them six weeks in advance. I've learned to let him work his magic… he does it very well and I will never understand it. There are so many things he does so well that I will never understand.
Like the fact that I will never understand how I got lucky enough to have the opportunity to fall in love with him.
