A/N: When plotting this story out, this was my first fork in the road. I wasn't sure if I wanted to dig in to some of the confirmation hearings but… I hope you like the path I've taken!
One day of confirmation hearings down… a lifetime of holding my breath and waiting for disaster to go.
I've learned that disaster can mean a lot of different things. Of course it could be a climate disaster or humanitarian disaster that most people go to first… but disaster could also be a dinner your ex husband attended with questionable attendees, it could be a questionable tweet from your 13 year old son, or it could be your relationship coming to light just before you're ready.
That last one hasn't happened yet, thankfully. I sit on pins and needles waiting for it though. We've talked about when that moment comes because it is inevitable… but I also love these last fleeing moments of private life. I didn't think I'd find myself missing that final dinner date as much as I do.
Sure there will be other dinner dates, our relationship going public won't be the end of it, but I didn't realize I'd love keeping it between us.
It was really only between us for a month or two. We eventually had to tell Max and our children, and of course those close to us figured it out pretty quickly… but the microscope of UVA is very different from the fish bowl we're about to be thrown into.
I told myself I was nervous about the confirmation hearings because it could mean the world would know everything about me, that every moment of my life would be reviewed with a fine tooth comb… but it wasn't really the world I was worried about. It was him. I want to protect him… from the scrutiny of the world, and any mistakes I've possibly made.
A lot of questionable things happened during my time in the CIA… I've never denied that, but I don't always remember what those things were. Some things that seem insignificant to me could be a deal breaker for him. I've told him the worst of what I remember and he seems to understand, but even I fear the things I've lived but don't remember.
As much as I want to protect him, I would walk through fire to protect Ali and Jason and thankfully I haven't needed to do that yet. My prep team has assured me that Ali and Jason will be off limits and so far they have but I'm always on edge waiting for the moment when I need to walk through fire for them.
Being on edge reminds me how much I need Henry near me. The first semester we were together I didn't get my final papers graded on time because the moment I began to stress, he knew just how to take it away. I could really use that now.
I couldn't ask Henry to drop his classes midway through the semester just because I was moving a couple of hours away and might get slightly stressed in that time. Though I don't think I'll be alone in DC for very long… our conversation at dinner led me to believe that he would want to move to DC with me after the semester is over. I'm not sure if I should ask him or wait for him to ask but that answer is absolutely yes. I want him here… I need him here.
God I need him here so bad. It's been four days since we had sex and I'm shocked that I'm finding myself needing it… needing him… so bad. I don't know if he feels exactly the same right now, but I can tell he isn't far off.
It's crazy to think that the longest we've ever gone without sex, actually without seeing each other at all, was ten days. He and Stevie went to Europe for her 20th birthday… longest ten days of my life. I never used to be this way. Max and I went months without it when I was on missions for the CIA and that felt like nothing but 10 days without Henry had me losing my mind.
I think I have to get used to five day breaks. Our current plan is for him to come to DC for weekends, he'll be here by 5:00PM on Fridays and leave Sunday evening.
This will be the first time he spends consistent time with Ali and Jason. The next few months will really be a trial of Henry as a step parent. I kind of feel for him… my kids won't make it easy. That doesn't change my mind though… I feel like he can handle that challenge with ease.
I've been racking my brain to think of ways to help make my home feel more like home for him. I think I need to figure out exactly what he'd like to do once the semester is over to know exactly what to do.
Before I can even make my home his home… I have to figure out what and where my home is. I have a townhome in Georgetown that I'm looking at tomorrow… it's got everything I'm looking for. I just wish Henry and my kids could be here with me to look at it and get their opinion.
I haven't been away from Jason this long since he was just over a year old. When I came back after that, I was the only one who could console him. I had a very long 10 days in Afghanistan on that trip… I think he had a much longer 10 days at home. I miss those days but I don't think Jason does. Not that he wouldn't miss me, he would just put on a tough guy exterior when I got home.
Ali is a little bit different… I'm not sure if she remembers all the time that I was away, but I do. Ali was the best surprise we could ever imagine but it also meant I wasn't ready to give up my days in the CIA. We were doing so much work attempting to stop what would eventually become 9/11 and I couldn't bring myself to stop.
I know she'll never admit it but I think if she remembered how much I was gone, she would say that Jason was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship.
Jason was a surprise too but in true Jason fashion, he did things his way on his own terms. We had just started trying… with Ali I think it took a few months of disregarding timing and birth control but Jason was a different story. We talked about having another baby one night, I figured it would take a little bit and I had just been given a two month assignment in Afghanistan. Three weeks into Afghanistan I started to feel like crap and it only got worse. Five weeks in, I figured out I was pregnant.
I didn't tell anyone in those last three weeks of the assignment, not even Max. When we were caught near a bombing the last week of the assignment, I thought for sure I was going to miscarry… but Jason is nothing if not stubborn and resilient. Looking back now, I'd still make the decision but for different reasons. Back then, I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want my time on the assignment to end, we were so close to completing such a long term goal. Now… I wouldn't tell anyone just so I could cherish those days of being the only one who knew.
Telling Max that I was pregnant both times was easily the highest points of his life. He wanted to be a father so desperately and didn't realize it until a little bit after we got married. Seeing the tears in his eyes and the giant smile on his face when we found out about Ali was still one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Getting to come home and tell him myself about Jason was so amazing.
There were times where I wanted another pleasant surprise but I didn't want to tell him. We had so much going on with two kids already and the CIA was changing so rapidly after 9/11. I didn't necessarily want to commit to going for three but I would have welcomed a third with open arms.
I guess I got the third I wanted so bad in Stevie. We don't have a very strong relationship just yet but I want that for us.
I still would be overjoyed with finding out about a pleasant surprise for myself but it would mean starting something brand new… something that I'm already in the middle of doing… and I don't know if I need another new beginning right now.
