Disclaimer: As always, I own absolutely nothing.
A/N: Not much to say this time around. Thanks for the reviews! Enjoy!
Chasing Fate--Chapter 5
Dear Jess,
Your mom didn't give me your address. I just thought I'd say that first, so you wouldn't think that she deliberately went against your wishes or something. She didn't. I found it by accident. I was searching for quotes from Dante's Inferno and I found this article about your dad and his hot dog stand. So, this was all my doing. Don't blame your mom.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know what made me want to write to you in the first place. I guess I was just thinking about you. I did that a lot at first--think about you, that is. Right after you left, I thought about you a lot. Once I was in Europe, it got a little easier. By the time I got back to Stars Hollow, it was as if you never even existed. No one mentioned you; there was no trace of you anywhere. Out of sight, out of mind.
Except that, you weren't out of my mind. You were just pushed to the very back, because that was the only way that I knew how to function. I can pull up things about you without any effort at all. I can remember conversations we had, books we talked about, music we listened to, the shirt you were wearing during our first date, the way your hair felt under my hands (stiff with gel, but still inexplicably soft, in case you were wondering). I kept these memories, because it wasn't that I didn't want them. It just made things easier if I didn't think about them all the time.
Then Dean got married. I apologize for the lack of transition, but that's just the way it happened. Dean got married and I just couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop thinking that it could've been me, but it wasn't-- because of you. You showed me that there was more to life than what I had with Dean. That had to have happened for a reason. You came into my life for a reason. I believe that, I think. I guess I've just been thinking about why lately. Why were you sent to Stars Hollow when you did? Why did we crash my car? Why did I kiss you at Sookie's wedding? Why did our relationship fail when it started out so good? I don't know the answers to any of these questions, but that hasn't stopped me from thinking about them endlessly, from thinking about you.
Do you believe in fate, Jess? It's a silly question, and you probably don't. It's on the list of things I've been thinking about though. I don't know if fate exists, or if everything is just coincidence. I found you, though, even though everything was working against me. I don't know what that means. I just know that it happened. It's just something to think about, I guess. It's a nice thought, too, that there's something out there guiding us towards something better.
I don't know what I'm expecting to come from sending this letter. I obviously can't force you to respond. I have no idea what you'll say if you do. I don't know if you miss me or if you think about me or if you even want to talk to me at all. You probably don't, or why else would you have refused to let your mother give your address to me? I don't know.
Here's what I do know. I miss you. It's a fact that I've been denying since you left, but there it is. I needed to write this letter to you. I don't know why, but I just felt like it was something I had to do. I'd like to hear from you, even if it's just a line telling me to leave you alone. You'll do what you want to though. You always do. I'm putting my Yale address on the envelope, so you can write to me there. You could write to Stars Hollow too if you really felt like it, or you could call. Or, you could pretend that this letter never came and forget all about me. I guess that's all up to you.
Until next time (assuming there is a next time),
Rory
Jess reread the letter for the fifth time since its arrival. His mouth was completely dry and he was incapable of coherent thought. He couldn't believe that he was reading a letter from Rory, a letter that she'd written and sent to him after finding out where he was purely by accident. A letter that specifically said that she missed him and was thinking about him.
What was he supposed to do now? His first instinct was to tear up the letter and forget about it, just as Rory knew it would be. He resisted the urge though, and instead read the letter again. The words I miss you burned into his brain until he could see nothing else. She missed him.
She missed him? Why? What on Earth was she thinking? He'd messed up. He ruined everything and then ran away from all the messes that he made. He left so much wreckage that, she said it herself, it took going to Europe and coming back to make her feel better.
He hurt her. He knew it and she knew it. It was the reason he ran. Seeing anything but a smile on her face was torture. He didn't want to hurt her. He hated the fact that he had. So he ran. Didn't she get that? That he had absolutely nothing to offer her? What was she trying to do?
Jess picked up the letter with every intention of crumpling it into a ball and throwing it away. His hands started to shake though, and he lowered it back down again. He couldn't throw it away, no matter how much his head was telling him to do so.
Sasha walked past his open door and leaned against the frame, watching as his brow furrowed with deep concentration. "Whatcha got there?" She asked with a small smile.
Jess looked up at Sasha and said, "Rory found me anyway."
Sasha raised one perfect eyebrow. "Rory? That's the girl's name, huh?"
Jess nodded, his eyes going back to the letter in his hands. "Yup."
"And she found you? Without your mom's help?"
Jess nodded again. Here's what I do know. I miss you. Why did she have to go and write that? Why did she have to go and feel it? Why did he still miss her too?
Sasha saw Jess's eyes go soft as he read part of the letter. "I think it's time to jump off that fence, kiddo. Fate wants you on our side."
Jess looked up with a tight smirk. "Did you need something, Sasha?"
Sasha just smirked in response to Jess's tight, distant tone. After living with him for about six months, she was used to his sudden mood swings and his refusal to talk about things for no reason other than he found them uncomfortable. He'd been doing better with opening up, especially to her, but that didn't really mean much. He was just like his father. He could shut all emotion off at the drop of a hat.
"Fine, go all Angsty Boy on me. Big surprise there." Sasha teased, smiling. "I've gotta go out, and Lily's still sick."
"Has her fever gone down yet?" Jess asked, despite himself.
Sasha bit her lip to hide her smile. He could play disconnected, discontent rebel all he wanted, but he cared deeply about the people in his life, though he'd never admit it.
"Still at 103." Sasha responded. "Can you just keep an eye on her while I'm out?"
Jess nodded, putting the letter on the end table next to his mattress. "Yeah, no problem."
"Thanks, doll face." Sasha said, smiling at him. "If she's feeling well enough to eat, you can make her some soup."
Jess nodded again, standing up.
"I'll be back in an hour or two." Sasha said, grabbing her keys from the kitchen table and walking out the door.
Jess walked over to Lily's room and looked in at her. She was curled up under her blankets, fast asleep. Jess walked back into the kitchen and sat at the table, opening the book that was sitting there. He began to read, but his thoughts were still on Rory and the fact that he had no idea what to do now.
Part of him wanted to write back to her. Part of him wanted to call her and hear her voice. And a huge part of him wanted to run back to Stars Hollow, take her in his arms, and never let her go. That was the part that he didn't allow to talk very often.
Rory's letter talked about fate, and Jess really wanted to believe in that right now. He wanted to believe that there was some force out there pushing him and Rory together. She seemed to want to believe it too. He just didn't know if he was capable of doing something about this feeling, if he could muster up the courage to face all the mistakes he'd made. He didn't know anything, except that he missed Rory too.
"Jess?" A small, female voice said from the doorway.
Jess turned around in his chair to look at Lily. Her blonde hair was unwashed and up in a high, messy ponytail. She was in her pajamas, and she had a blanket wrapped tightly around her shoulders. Her glasses were in her hand instead of on her face.
"Hey, Lily. How you feeling?" He asked.
"My eyes hurt." She said quietly, her voice hoarse from her illness.
"Ok…" Jess said unsurely.
"I can't read." She said, frowning.
"Ah." Jess said, realizing what a great tragedy this was to Lily.
"Will you…?" Lily started, unsure of how Jess would answer.
"Geez." Jess said, wondering when he started to like this girl enough to do things for her. "Yeah. Grab a book, I'll be right in. One that doesn't suck." He clarified as she turned and went back to her room.
Jess walked in and Lily was lying back in her bed with a book in her hands. Jess sat on the edge of her bed and said, "Let's have it."
Lily handed Jess the thin, paperback volume and he saw that it was Howl. His eyes darted from the book and back to Lily. This had to be some kind of sick joke.
"Where did you get this?" He asked.
Lily shrugged. "I've had it forever. I love Ginsberg. So does mom."
Jess mumbled, "Geez" as he stared at the book's cover. He opened it and started reading aloud to Lily, but the only thing he was hearing in his own mind was Do you believe in fate?
