A/N: Not gonna lie… I'm just writing these next few chapters so I can write the one I'm looking forward to the most!

These are the days… these are the bad days that I knew would come. I knew this job would be isolating, it would be stressful, it would make me miss the way things were before… but I had no idea I would miss it this much.

Words cannot describe how I felt in the moments when we couldn't find Ali. My mama bear instincts kicked in so quickly and it was the first time that it really hit me that my job does put them at a level of risk that I can't protect them from. I understand they have security, they have people that are supposed to protect them. I know those people are supposed to risk their lives to protect them, but I don't know if they will protect them like I will.

After the earthquake hit, it was best for Ali and Jason's safety if they go back home. I stayed with my skeleton crew and kissed my kids goodbye to try and make things better for strangers. I knew this is what I signed up for, I wanted to make the world a better place for everyone, but these are the hard times… these are the times when tears are ok.

I would never let anyone see me cry like this… at least not anyone that is here with me. I have to be strong and I know in reality I can only be strong for so long. I miss my children, I miss what my life was. I understand that what I'm doing is important, but it feels like it's costing me so much.

Stress wasn't something that made me feel like this before. Maybe now it's knowing I'd be leaving so much behind, so much that I've impacted and that has impacted me that I would leave behind if something were to happen to me. Sometimes I think the stress could kill me… but then a power nap usually helps. Those are few and far between though.

Henry has been saying that everything has been going ok. Ali and Jason are fighting, like I expected, but he seems to be handling it well. He did tell me he thought about calling Max for back up during one particularly unruly patch but everything seemed to calm itself down after they spent some time apart.

Stevie and Ali are becoming pretty close which I was very happy to hear. Jase is still a pain in the ass as he always is… but he's my pain in the ass. He acts so much like me sometimes. He's headstrong, he hides his feelings to most, but when he's ready to open up he wears them on his sleeve. He doesn't let people in quickly, but when he does he's an open book.

He handles stress like I used to, like I naturally do. He bottles it up, he doesn't think about what he says and how it hurts people. It'll take him time to master handling stress in a civilized way… but he'll get there. Henry mentioned that he's been handling it a little bit differently. I don't think it's because he's getting older or because I'm not there… I think it's because for once he's seeing someone who is stressed handle it very well.

Max never showed that he was stressed, he still doesn't. Sometimes I think he doesn't get stressed and that seems great in theory but sometimes you need to know that someone else is feeling something… and I didn't always know that with him.

I appreciate that Henry isn't afraid to show what he's feeling but he does it in the most diplomatic way… but something is off right now. Just before I got on the plane, he mentioned needing to talk about something, I brushed it off at the time because I had to. I know he understands why I did, but I hate that it probably made him feel like whatever he needed to tell me wasn't important to him, but that's not the case.

Maybe this is my stress manifesting in a new way but I'm noticing every little thing about everyone around me. Daisy keeps talking about the optics of things, not anything totally unusual but it's a lot more than before. I know this doesn't look great, but I don't know how to get it through to her that everything isn't about optics.

Then there's issues between Matt and Scott, ones that were partially expected and ones that weren't. Nadine is stretched more thin than ever before, I think she's thriving in this but I've never seen her this way to know. Then there's Blake, poor Blake who's caught in the middle.

He's not the only one who feels caught in the middle. Daisy told me she had a source that claimed Henry was cheating on me. I knew it was crazy but what the truth was seems even crazier. Henry had mentioned working briefly with the NSA when he was fresh out of the Marines… I'm not sure if I'm ready to be the one waiting at home, holding my breath and hoping he comes home.

It's so crazy to me that I have the most top secret security clearance and there are still things I can't know about. I understand that secrets of national security aren't like regular secrets in a relationship but I can't understand why he didn't tell me sooner what was going on. Why did I have to have my staff bringing his behavior to my attention before he did?

Maybe that's what he was trying to tell me… that would make sense. I just want to know why it was a secret to begin with.

Henry said he handled it with Stevie… I did text her that I would be happy to talk about it if she needed someone to talk to. This is my first real attempt at being essentially a stepmom. I hope I'm good at this.