Chapter 8: Kintsugi
She winces at the heat and sets the mug down. She stirs in more creamer. Scott has already gotten up, showered, and left. He has work, but he'll be back later on. She's grateful for his presence last night. She doubts she would have been able to sleep at all last night without him. A shuffling draws her attention. Rachel is fully dressed, though moving as if carrying a heavy weight. Yero is pressed against her leg, looking up at her.
"Rachel…"
"Can you drive me to school?"
Shelby's lips part. Rachel's eyes stay down. "Honey, you don't have to go today."
A muscle in her cheek twitches and she breathes out harder than necessary. "I want to go."
"Okay, but we really need to talk abou—"
"I don't want to be late."
The clock ticks away the seconds in the otherwise silent house while Shelby studies her daughter. "Okay."
The drive to school is silent. Rachel doesn't speak and Shelby can't think of what to say that won't upset her more. She glances at her frequently. Yero had whined and fussed, not wanting Rachel to leave. The teen sat on the floor and pressed her forehead against his until he calmed. Then she'd kissed his snout and left, Shelby following uncertainly behind. When they pull up to the high school, she snags Rachel's wrist, forcing her to wait.
"Call or text me. At any time and for any reason. I'm not going to work today. Do you understand?"
Her kid nods. Shelby wants to hug her. Hold her. Reassure her. But her child is clearly not ready for that yet, so as hard as it is for her, she lets go.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Scott won't be finished with his client until later, but he'll return to her when he is. She calls Kelly. Her sister leaves work, drives half an hour, and walks into the house. Last night, Shelby had let herself crack just a little. Just enough to release some of the pressure so she didn't explode. But she had needed to be ready for Rachel to come to her at any time, so she couldn't completely fall apart. Now, Rachel is at school. She can let herself snap. Kelly sits and listens as she rants and raves, practically foaming at the mouth in her rage. When her anger is spent and only fear and heartbreak are left, she lets Kelly hold her while she cries. Her sister cries with her. Kelly stayed until Scott arrived, then went back to work. Scott had a different, albeit just as effective, way to help her find release.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Normally, she goes out of her way to search for her friends while walking the halls. Today, she is actively avoiding them. She wanted to come to school, but now that she's here, she's not comfortable. She doesn't want to talk about it but knows she can't ignore it. Not for long, anyway. She slips into class just before the bell rings. Mike lights up when he sees her. His smile fades the longer he watches her. She avoids eye contact. The teacher starts class. Mike slips her a note asking her if she's okay. She hates lying, so she chooses not to answer. Then again, doing that sort of gave him an answer. She feels his eyes on her for the rest of class. She takes notes and does her work, but doesn't raise her hand or speak. The bell rings.
"Rach—"
"Later, Mike." And hurries out, her small frame allowing her to slip between her classmates and out the door well before her friend.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
At lunch she listens to her friends talk about their winter break plans. She, her Mom, and Scott were going to go skiing. Will they still? She focuses on drinking more water, her churning stomach not allowing her to eat. Symptom or nerves? She hates that she has to go back to figuring that out.
"You good?" Kurt whispers the words in her ear. When she turns to look at him with a frown, he elaborates. "You've been quieter than normal today."
She can't lie to him, but she doesn't want to talk. She shrugs and leans into him slightly. Whatever he was about to say next is cut off by Mercedes turning to her.
"You wanted to talk?" Rachel stares blankly at the black diva. Talk? No, she really doesn't. "Like you said at your birthday party?"
Oh. "Yes. Want to talk now? It shouldn't take long." And it might be a good distraction.
The two girls return their trays and walk to the auditorium.
"Alright, what did you want to talk about?"
"We've missed you, Mercedes."
The girl smiles a little, pleased to hear it. "I've missed you guys, too."
"But we're not the ones who walked away when we didn't get what we wanted. You refused to share the role of Maria. Fine. I can sort of see that. But quitting Glee? That's pushing things. Then not talking to any of us and cutting us out of your life? That's when you definitely went too far. I get that you were angry. But you hurt our feelings and let us down. Tina and Kurt most of all."
"I'll apologize to them. I really am sorry, Rachel. I just don't understand. I am just as talented as you and yet you always seem to get the solos and parts you want."
Rachel swallows down her annoyance. It won't help her here. "You are very talented. But I meant what I said that day. You're lazy. You could be so much better and go so far if you actually put in the work!"
Mercedes looks away. "Fine. I hear you."
"I also meant what I said about us missing you. We're really glad you're back. Both in Glee and as our friend. But…I need you to know something. In the weeks you were gone, our rehearsals went smoother. They were more productive and more fun."
"What do you mean? Why?"
"Because no one was making excuses for not being able to keep up. Anyone struggling was working hard to correct it. Everyone was encouraging and helping one another. People still fought for solos. Especially Santana, Kurt, and I. But those fights were not mean, heated, or personal. We tried hard for solos in our weekly competitions, celebrated if we got them, complained with a joke if we didn't, and everyone was happy. There was no attitude from any of us when we didn't get a solo. We are glad to have you back, Mercedes. But we don't want to lose this new atmosphere of diligence and perseverance, either."
"Are you giving me an ultimatum? Work harder or leave?" The black diva's eyes are narrowed.
"No. But I'm giving you a friendly heads up that Mr. Schue probably will. If he doesn't, some of the others might."
The heavier girl huffs quietly and looks down, twisting her bracelet. After a minute or so, she mumbles "fine". When she stands to leave, Rachel grabs her arm.
"Wait. Do you really think solos are just handed to me?"
The heavy set girl wavers uncertainly. "Sometimes."
Rachel shakes her head but decides not to argue the point at the moment. She has a more pressing question to ask her. "Do you really think I was ever happy about being sick or everyone's focus on it?"
Mercedes retakes her seat, her eyes watering. "Rachel, I am so sorry I said all that. I was just angry. Of course not!"
"Don't you think I would have rather been healthy and treated the same as everyone else instead of getting sick kid perks?"
Her friend takes her hand. It's only then that she realizes she's shaking. "Rachel, of course I know that. I was just being a self-centered bitch."
Her throat tightens, making it harder to talk. "And after I went into remission, was I the one who kept bringing up how sick I'd been?"
She's pulled into a hug. Mercedes rocks her and rubs her back. "No. It wasn't you, diva. I know you kept trying to focus on the future and being healthy. You've actually been really great about helping us feel better when we get upset from memories of that time. It really was scary watching you fight for your life, Rachel."
Her breaths come faster, shorter, and harsher. She mashes her lips together, trying desperately to hold back the crushing wave of emotions. Mercedes leans back so she can see her face, her eyes becoming worried.
"Rachel? Rach, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
The thin glass facade of normalcy shatters. Her body shakes with her sobs. Alarmed, Mercedes hugs her tight. "Rachel? Breathe, girl." She's gasping for breath, unable to get in full lungfuls. "Girl, you've gotta talk to me. What's wrong?"
Rachel pulls herself up and covers her face. She forces herself to shove it all back down and focus on taking full breaths. It takes a couple minutes. Mercedes never leaves her side. Eventually, the tears stop.
"Rachel. Tell me. Please?"
She stares down at her hands. "Do me a favor, 'Cedes?"
"Anything."
"Forget you saw that."
Mercedes' eyes are searching her face, trying to find some clue of what's wrong or what to say. "Rachel—"
"Please."
"For how long?"
Rachel wipes her eyes and shrugs. "I'm not sure."
"Will you eventually tell me? Or tell someone?"
She releases a short, humorless laugh. Unless things go very very well, she'll have no choice but to tell all of them. "Yes."
"Okay. I'll suffer from temporary amnesia. But not for very long."
"Thanks."
Mercedes watches her for a moment. "The bell rang. We should go."
"I just need a minute. I'll head to class soon. You can go."
"Are you sure?"
She nods. Her friend squeezes her shoulder and leaves, looking back at her once more when she reaches the door. She waves and is gone. Rachel sits in the dark, silent theater and stares at the scenery set up for West Side Story. She is purposely not thinking. Just looking. Soft steps pad closer to her. She smiles slightly.
"I should have known."
Sue snorts. "Of course you should have. Do you really think you're not followed or watched these days? Rick Nelson may be a Neanderthal, but he could still be dangerous."
Rachel sighs. She'd forgotten about him. Sue clears her throat.
"Jones may have been willing to forget about your little sob-fest, but I'm not. What's going on?"
She keeps her gaze on the stage and stays silent. Sue is being surprisingly patient. In fact, there are only two people that Rachel has noticed Sue is patient with; Jean and Rachel. She doesn't want to say it. She doesn't even want to think it. She can't. However, she also knows there's no way in hell Sue will let her leave until she knows. They'll sit here until the end of the day, if necessary. Actually, staying silent in the auditorium all day suddenly seems preferable to going to class and acting like everything is fine and normal. She shifts in her seat, getting more comfortable. Sue sighs and rests her hand on top of Rachel's. Her tone softens.
"Rachel, you can talk to me. I know you, kiddo. You wouldn't cry like that for no reason. I need to know that reason." Rachel turns her hand over so she can hold Sue's, but still doesn't speak. "At least tell me your mother knows what's upsetting you."
She nods.
"Okay, good. At least you're not a complete moron."
Rachel's lips twitch.
"Alright, mini-Streisand, do you remember how I got you to admit to being alone a lot back in seventh grade?"
Another nod.
"We're going to do that again. Close your eyes." She does. Sue squeezes her hand. "Breathe in through your nose. 1, 2, 3, 4. Breath out through your mouth. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Good. Your memories are all songs in songbooks, organized neatly on your shelves. Reach for the one that made you cry. Open it up. What is the title of that song?"
"The Nightmare Returns."
She opens her eyes. Sue is watching her with a furrowed brow. Rachel can practically see the wheels turning in her eyes. She sees the moment realization dawns.
"You relapsed?" Her voice is gentle.
Rachel nods, her jaw clenched too tightly to speak. She's pulled into a hug. Sue isn't normally very physical, so Rachel really appreciates the effort she's going to to comfort her.
"I'm so sorry, kiddo. Who knows?"
"You and Mom."
Sue pulls back and looks at her with a frown. "Why the hell haven't you told anyone else yet?"
Rachel's jaw drops slightly. "I only just found out last night!"
"So?!"
"I haven't exactly….."
Sue sighs. "You haven't been able to face it yet, have you?" She shakes her head. "Well, you have to. Lift your head, square your shoulders, take a breath, and face it!"
Rachel stands and steps away from her. "It's not that easy!"
"Actually, it is!"
"How would you know?! You're not the one going through it!"
Sue scowls and pushes herself up. She grabs Rachel's arm and none too gently drags her onto the stage. She gets right up in Rachel's face. "Are you freaking kidding me, Berry? You may be the one sick, but don't act like you're going through it alone. Not even for a second." Sue takes a step back. "Do you recognize where you're standing?"
"On stage."
Sue gives an aggravated huff, her head dropping back. She takes a breath and tries again. "This exact spot. What happened in this exact spot thirteen months ago, Rachel?"
Rachel frowns and looks around. Thirteen months was last November. "I died. Here."
Sue crosses her arms. "Not exactly. Your heart stopped here. People who love you performed CPR, preventing you from dying. We kept you here. We were there for you. You had people who love you by your side, supporting you, fighting for you, every step of the way. You did before and you will again. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, drop the pity party, tell your friends what's going on, and fight it!"
Rachel's mouth hangs open. "I—"
"You're not a quitter. You're not weak."
"No, but—" She trails off, uncertain how to express it.
Sue stares at her, her lips pursed. "Kintsugi."
Rachel blinks. "Excuse me?"
"Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. The repaired pottery is even more beautiful and stronger than before. They also use it as a reminder to stay optimistic when things fall apart."
"I like that." She has always appreciated a good metaphor.
"I get that you're upset. I'd bet you're probably angry and scared, too. You have every right to be. But after everything your loved ones did to help put you back together before, you have no right to keep them in the dark about this. Tell them. Then trust them to be there for you."
"I do trust them! I just—I didn't—" She huffs "Don't I get even one day to process it before sharing it with everyone?"
"No."
"No?"
"You found out yesterday, right?"
"Yes."
"What did you do last night?"
Rachel looks away.
"Did you cry?"
"No."
"Did you talk to your mom?"
"No."
"Did you at least let your mom comfort you?"
"….no." She feels a little guilty about that part. She knows her mom tried, she just hadn't been ready.
"Son of a bitch, Berry." Sue sighs. "Well, that was your pity party. And it's over. Finished. Do you understand me?" Rachel nods. Sue lifts her chin. "And you will hug your mother tight when you get home tonight."
"I will."
"Good. But if you truly still need time to process it, take it. I'll give you time alone to do that. You lived, Rachel. You survived it. You may have only gotten five months of remission, but that also means you had almost half a year of being healthy and getting to enjoy your life. That was your reprieve. You got a chance to catch your breath, regain your strength, and remind yourself of the life worth fighting for. I've known you for six years, Rachel. For six years, I've watched you face everything this fucked up world has tossed at you. Every time you raised your head and kept going. I need you to do that again. We will help you. Do what you need to do here and now to face this. Then, when it's time for Glee, you will tell them. Got it?"
"Got it."
A little overwhelmed, Rachel watches the tall blonde woman walk away. She know she's not actually leaving. She'll probably go back to sitting in a balcony seat so she can see and hear but not be seen or heard. Rachel stares down at the stage floor.
She died here. Heart heart actually stopped.
She lifts her head and looks around the empty stage.
But her friends brought her back to life.
She turns, taking everything in. She forces herself to recall that day. They were on this stage, rehearsing for Sectionals last year. She was stage 3. She was standing right here when a moderate attack hit. Kurt held her through it. Her friends supported her. So did her teachers, Sue, Holly, and Mr. Schue. Then a severe attack hit. She'd wanted to die. Anything to make the pain stop. It was the worst pain of her life. Up to that point, at least. Her friends held her, spoke to her, encouraged her. She felt herself slipping away. She knew she was dying. She was relieved, and yet, she was sad to leave her loved ones. They didn't let her go. They did CPR until paramedics arrived. They brought her back to life, refusing to give up on her. They pumped her heart and breathed air into her lungs. So, no. They didn't just bring her back. In actuality, they never let her go. She remembers waking up in the hospital. As always, her mother Uncle Burt were there by her side. She was constantly surrounded by people who love her.
Rachel slowly spins in place, taking deep breaths. She's sick again. It could be worse than before. Or, it could be better. She might have Danton's, but it appears she doesn't. Rachel swallows hard and lifts her head. No matter what happens, she trusts her loved ones to not let go of her. They will hold her, support her, keep her heart going, and breathe for her. They were there every step of the way last time. They will be again. Come what may and hell to pay.
She doesn't want to do this again. She really, really doesn't want to do this again. However, she doesn't have Danton's. It won't be as bad. She can handle it. Sue was right. She can be furious that she only got five months, less than half a year, to enjoy good health and a normal life. Or, she can be grateful for that chance. Many people facing life threatening illnesses don't get a break from it. She did. She may not want to do this again, but it doesn't look like she has a choice. Her friends do. However, she trusts that they'll choose to hold her up once again. They will repair her. They will be her gold, holding her broken pieces together and making her stronger. She'll be fine. Because of them.
And for them.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
That was all she'd needed. Maybe not in the long run, but for now, it was enough. Sue has always been good at giving people a different perspective. She walks down the hall next to the woman and thinks about a time when she'd wished Sue could be her mother. That was before meeting her mom, of course. She loves Sue. She will always be grateful to her. The coach was right. She needs to hug her mom tonight. Guiltily, Rachel realizes her mom probably needed a hug as much as she did last night. And she'd deprived her of it. She bites her lip. She's done with being selfish. She really has been trying to be better about that. But now, while sick and relying on others, she needs to think about them more. This isn't going to be easy for them to hear. This time, she needs to be strong for them. Something occurs to her and she slows to a stop. Sue turns back to her with a frown.
"I need to do something first."
"Rachel—"
"Not for me. This isn't right. I can't tell them all together like this. It wouldn't be fair to him."
Sue understands. She smiles slightly and nods. "Okay. Head to my office. I'll bring him there."
The last class of the day will be ending soon. They were going to go to Glee early, tell Mr. Schue, then wait for the others to arrive. Rachel makes it to Sue's office before dismissal begins. She sits in "her" chair, wondering if she'll be using it more often. While waiting for the others, she pulls out her phone. If she calls her, she might get upset. She can't. So, she sends a quick text instead.
"I'm sorry, Mom. I wasn't ready to face it before. I'm going to tell my friends during Glee. Can we talk tonight when I get home?"
"Of course, honey! Do you want me to come up to the school while you tell them?"
Her initial reaction is to turn her down, but realizes her mom's presence may be good for some of her friends. Especially Brittany. "Okay. I love you."
"I love you, too. I'll be there soon."
The door opens and Kurt walks in. Sue nods to her and leaves. Rachel assumes she'll tell Mr. Schue herself. "Hey, what's going on?"
Her brother squeezes onto the chair with her and she smiles. She holds him tight. "I love you, Kurt."
"I love you, too. Does this have anything to do with how….off….you've been today?"
"Yes."
"Is everything okay?"
Rachel releases him enough that she can face him. She's not sure how to do this. She gently grabs his face and kisses him lightly on the lips. He gives her a bewildered smile. She smiles back.
"Do you think I'm strong, Kurt?"
"Yes, absolutely. Tink, you're the strongest person I know."
She smiles warmly at him. Her eyes mist over and she blinks to clear her vision. "Good. Then everything's fine."
"What are you talking about?"
"I relapsed, Pan."
His smile fades. His eyes darken. His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. "What?"
She squeezes his hand. "I relapsed. It's back. I'm stage one."
"No. You're in remission."
"I was. Now I'm not. But I'm sure I will be again soon. They caught it earlier this time."
"No, you're in remission." His repeats more fiercely.
Rachel shakes her head no and squeezes his hand. His face crumbles. She sits quietly, letting him gather himself. He controls his ragged breathing and blinks fiercely. She's pretty sure he'd like to get up and pace, but he doesn't seem willing to let go of her to do it.
"It's really back?"
She nods. They hold each other tight. When he's calmer, she tells him everything. He listens closely and asks questions. They talk until her mother knocks on the door. Kurt gets up to go to her, but Rachel is faster. Seeing her mom makes the guilt of pushing her away rush to the forefront. She throws herself into her mom's embrace.
"I'm sorry, Mom!"
"I know, baby girl. You weren't ready yet. I understood."
Even as she says it, Rachel can feel her mom's tension ease the longer they hug. Her mom holds her tight and rocks her. Then she lifts an arm and Kurt joins them.
"Does my dad know?"
"Yes. I went over and spoke to him after dropping Rachel off at school." Her mother runs a hand through Kurt's hair and kisses his cheek. Then she turns her attention to Rachel. "Honey, I'm very curious. What changed between this morning and this afternoon?"
Rachel smiles slightly. "Sue. And Kintsugi."
"What?"
Rachel tells her about her conversation with Sue. As the story winds down, the clock on the wall catches her eye. "We should go to Glee. It started a while ago."
Her mother agrees to wait in Mr. Schue's office until after Rachel makes her announcement. Rachel walks down the hall to the choir room, comparing this walk to the one she took two years ago, on her way to tell them for the first time. She's surprised to feel stronger this time. More confident. She'll be fine. They will help her. She just has to let them. She learned that lesson the hard way last time. But it won't be as bad this time. No attacks. She supposes she'll just have to deal with fatigue, headaches, bruises, dizziness, nausea, and bleeding. It sucks, but it's so much better than the attacks. When they reach the corner from the choir room, Kurt starts an argument with her about which Barbra song is her best. Her mother shakes her head with a smile. Rachel knows he's only doing this to help distract her. It's not necessary, but she still appreciates it. And he's insane if he doesn't think it's "People" from Funny Girl. They walk into the choir room.
"—a show tune."
"I'm counting all! Show tunes and songs from her albums!"
"Including all of them, People is still the best."
"But you're ju—"
Rachel holds up a hand and makes a "zzzztt" sound, cutting him off. "Nope. People is her best. There's really no denying it."
Kurt rolls his eyes. Rachel looks around the room. Her friends are watching them with half amused, half annoyed expressions. Only two aren't. Mercedes saw her mini breakdown earlier. She's watching Rachel with concern. The other is Sugar, who appears bored. Sue is sitting back in a chair calmly. Mr. Schue had obviously been talking to the team when they'd walked in. He turns to face her. The look on his face tells her Sue definitely already told him. He places a stool front and center for her. Her coach clasps her shoulder warmly, then takes a seat. Kurt kisses her cheek and sits beside Blaine.
"What's up, Jew babe?"
Rachel sits on the stool and raises an eyebrow at him. "Are you ever going to give me a different nickname?"
The Mohawk wearing boy shrugs. "I already call you a Jewish American Princess."
"True."
Mike is frowning. "Does this have anything to do with class this morning?"
"Yes. I'm sorry about blowing you off, Mike. I just couldn't say anything then."
"But you can now?"
She nods. Mercedes hesitantly raises a hand. "Yes, Mercedes, it's the same thing."
The other girl nods in relief.
"Oookay, what's going on?" Santana's eyes are narrowed suspiciously.
Rachel opens her mouth to answer her, then stops. Finn is watching her closely. He can read people really well. He has kept his concerns about her odd behavior this morning to himself. But she knows he was aware of a change, just like Mike and Kurt had been. She wonders if she should have included Finn in the private discussion with Kurt earlier, but pushes it away. It's too late now. She gets up and takes quick steps to get to her boyfriend. His expression relaxes as she gets closer. He grins right before she kisses him. It's a firm kiss, but not a long one. She just wanted to reassure him, first. And it has the bonus of giving her strength. She goes back to the stool.
"Sorry, but I had to do that first."
Kurt snorts. "Are you going to kiss everyone before telling them?"
She frowns, then remembers she'd kissed him before telling him. She grins. "Think it'd help?"
He smiles feebly, his control slipping. She can't blame him. He only just found out minutes ago. And yet he's handling it better than she initially did.
"What are you two talking about?" Quinn asks with a confused smile.
"I pulled Kurt aside to talk to him before coming to Glee. But first I kissed him. And I just kissed Finn, so Kurt is teasing me."
"What did you talk to him about?"
She realizes she's beating around the bush a little, but in her defense it's really hard to bring up. Especially in a big group. "About relapsing."
"You're not going to relapse, Rachel. You're fine now." Sam tries to reassure her.
"Well…I was fine. Until I wasn't." Her friends freeze. Some are frozen, staring at her. Some start looking at each other in alarm. "I found out yesterday that I relapsed. I'm stage one. Again." She frowns and looks to Sue. "For the…..third time?" She was stage 1 when she was first diagnosed, then dropped back to stage 1 almost two years later, and is stage 1 now.
Sue gives a subdued nod.
"It's back?" Sam looks betrayed.
"It is, yes."
"But y-you've—you've only been i-in remission for—" Finn stutters out.
"Five months." She finishes it for him. "And yet, it's back."
Her boyfriend stands and heads towards her. He isn't the first to reach her, however. Blaine leaps out of his seat and has her in his arms before Finn gets halfway to her. She hugs the ex-Warbler tight. Brittany slams into her from behind. Finn finally reaches her and joins in.
"What the actual fuck?! That's not fucking fair!" She can hear Santana yelling, but can't fully see her through the group hug she's currently ensconced in. "You need a better doctor. I'm calling my dad."
"Your dad isn't a hematologist, San." Quinn points out, hugging the girl. Santana shakes her off.
Rachel hugs each person in the group hug, then extricates herself. Santana is pulling out her phone. Rachel puts her hand over hers, stalling her. Santana is breathing hard and shaking lightly.
"San,"
"He's not a hematologist, but he might know a better one than Dr. Reed."
She tries to gently pull her phone from Rachel's grasp. Rachel knows that Santana is physically stronger than her. If she weren't so concerned about not hurting her, she could get it away without much fuss. Rachel wraps her arms around her fiery friend.
"Dr. Reed has a new plan this time. I promise."
Santana hugs her tight, pressing her face into Rachel's shoulder. She chokes back a sob. Rachel rubs her back. When Santana pulls back, she's calmer. She swipes a hand under her eye and turns away. Rachel kisses her cheek and makes her way back to the stool. Sam takes her hand as she passes him and squeezes it. She smiles at him.
"What new plan?" Tina prompts.
Rachel tells them about Dr. Reed's more aggressive treatment plan this time around. It reassures them. They immediately question what day her treatment will be on so they can start planning who "gets to" go with her. A lump forms in her throat. She knew they'd support her, but still.
"I don't get it." Everyone turns to Sugar. "What does this have to do with me becoming a star?"
Rachel blinks. "What?"
"That's my question. What's going on? This doesn't sound like anything to do with Glee or with me. So why are we discussing this?"
"It's not about you." Kurt bites out.
"Right! So why are we wasting rehearsal time on this?"
"Oh, you lit—" Sue catches Santana before she reaches Sugar.
"Sugar," Mr. Schue addresses the girl, "this is about Rachel. She's a member of this team. She's also co-captain, the female lead, and our star. What happens to her impacts all of us because we care about her."
"I'm a member of this team and I will be the star one day! Why are we talking about Big Nose now?"
Rachel lightly touches her nose. It's not that big. This time it's Quinn that is held back. Sam looks like he's not sure he should be bothering to stop her from attacking Sugar, but he does it just the same.
"Don't insult my girlfriend." Finn snaps.
"You can't tell me what to do. And you can't get mad at me. I have Asperger's!"
"Self-diagnosed! You just want an excuse to be rude!" Mercedes yells at her, standing up.
Santana moves faster. The Latina gets right up in Sugar's face.
"Listen here, you little bitch. We, and by 'we' I mean everyone here except for you, are family. We are a family. Not you. The rest of us. We just found out that one of our family is sick again. Last time, she nearly died before going into remission. Now it's back and she's going to have to fight for her life again. It's not fair and it's scary and it's making all of us…and again, by 'us', I mean those of us with hearts, so not you…..it's making us upset. These 'all about me' comments and attitudes have gotta go. Or you do. We don't want you here. You want to be here. She is loved by us. You are not. We are going to band together to support her again. So either be ready to join us in supporting her or get the fuck out. We don't have time to deal with your bullshit."
Sugar scowls. "But her being sick has nothing to do with Glee. Glee should just be about singing and dancing and helping me become a big star one day. It has nothing to do with Rachel."
"Rachel is going to be a big star one day. If you ever become a star, it won't have anything to do with your singing." Santana sneers at her. "In fact, I think it's far more likely that if you do, it'll be because you bought it."
Sugar rears back. "How dare you!"
"How dare me?! How dare you be so fucking self centered?!"
"Well I don't know her or like her and I don't want to get sick, too! I'm much too pretty and important to get sick. Maybe she shouldn't be in Glee anymore. Is she contagious?"
Quinn has managed to get out of Sam's hold and pulls back her hand to slap the girl. Holly catches her wrist, preventing her from going through with it. Rachel hadn't even noticed her teacher come in the room.
"She's not worth it, girlfriend."
"She's not, but Rachel is!"
Holly releases her and turns to Sugar. "Look, Ms. Motta, you're clearly not understanding the situation. Perhaps you should leave and let the rest of them calm down."
Sugar nods. "Clearly you people have a lot of issues to work through."
As she's walking out the door, Mike has to hold Santana back from chasing after her. Unable to reach her intended prey, Santana instead releases a scream of frustration. The group takes a few minutes to calm down. Those who haven't yet make their way to Rachel to hug her. Just because Kurt had teased her about it, she playfully makes a point of kissing every single one of her friends. They laugh, albeit a little subdued, and return it. Her mother leaves the office and joins them. She smiles when a couple of her friends go over to hug her.
"Rachel, how are you so calm? You're handling it really well." Mike praises her.
She dips her head. "I didn't. Like I said, I only found out last night. I kind of….shut down after. I wouldn't…..couldn't…..talk. At all. I couldn't even let my mom hug me. I was too angry and hurt and scared."
"You worked through that in just one night?"
She shakes her head. "No. Coach Sue helped snap me out of it earlier."
"How?"
"With a change of perspective and Kintsugi." She smiles at their confusion. "She pointed out that I had the choice of being angry that I only had five months of remission, or be happy that I got to have five whole months of remission. I got five months to enjoy life again. I got to catch my breath and recharge and strengthen up. I didn't realize I was strengthening up for round two, but…whatever. It's still a better way to look at it. Not many people get a reprieve from being so sick. I did. It sucks that I'm sick again. I freaking hate it. I'm still angry, hurt, and scared. But…..I'm grateful I got five months to relax and remind myself of what I was fighting for. Without that…who knows. Besides, I didn't tell you the best part. I haven't had an attack yet, so it's possible that I don't have Danton's this time." Her friend's faces lighten. "I might just have normal aplastic anemia this time around, which will still be tough and life threatening, but much less painful!"
"That's awesome!" Artie enthuses.
"Yeah, okay, but what's Kin—siju?" Quinn asks.
"Kintsugi." Sue explains. "The Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with gold. The gold filling in the cracks not only helps make it stronger, but looks beautiful. They use it to remind themselves to remain optimistic when things fall apart."
Rachel nods. "So, that's how I'm able to handle it now when I couldn't last night. Or even this morning. By being grateful for the reprieve I got, relieved that I might not have to deal with attacks, and Kintsugi." She looks at each of their faces. "You all stood by me last time. When I fell apart, you put me back together. You all are my gold. You make me stronger. So, I can face this because of you and for you."
They positively glow, their smiles lighting up the room. Another round of hugs begins.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ms. Corcoran hugs them all, then she, Rachel, Kurt, Finn, and Blaine leave. Santana had heard them discuss having a family dinner tonight at the Hummel's home. She knows Mr. Hummel probably needs to see and hug Rachel soon. And Kurt won't want to leave his sister's side just yet. She even feels bad for Finn. The boy walks out holding Rachel's hand casually, but Santana saw the look in his eyes. He needs time with her tonight, too. With those four gone, and Sugar booted earlier, Mr. Schue sends the rest of them home. No one is in the mood to sing or dance, anyway. Rachel may be in good spirits, but they're not. They only just learned she's sick again. They need time for it to sink it. The Latina slinks over to where Mercedes is gathering her belongings. No one else has left. They watch the scene play out.
"Jones."
Mercedes sighs. "I already apologized, Santana."
"Whatever." She waves the statement away. "We need to talk."
"Look, Rachel already told me that I need to work harder and complain less. I'll work on it."
"Yeah, that's good and all, but not what I need to talk to you about."
"What is it, then?"
"She's sick again."
"I know."
"You got mad at her for getting special attention for being sick."
Mercedes looks away. "I already apolo—"
"Yeah, I heard that. What I want from you is not an apology but a promise. I need to hear you promise that you won't get mad at Rachel for shit out of her control. She can't help being sick. She can't help it if people treat her kinder 'cause of it and give in to her more. We all did it before. We'll probably do it again. We were happy to, remember? It was little things that we could do that made her happy or at least made things a little easier for her."
"I know she can't help it! I'm not gonna get mad at her for that!"
"But you did. You got jealous of the attention or some shit. Rachel is always going to be the center of attention. Whether because she's our captain and natural leader, because she's so freaking talented, because she can command a stage or even a room with little effort, or because she's really sick and needs support. Didn't you realize back in freshman year that she was already the center of attention?"
"Yeah, but I didn't think—"
"What, that it'd last? That she'd end up getting more attention? That a lot of that attention would come from fighting a serious illness?" Santana challenges.
Mercedes drops her bag. "What do you want from me, Santana? I already apologized! I promise I won't get mad at her for getting more attention than me!"
"She's going to need our support again. Can she truly count on you to support her? Can we count on you to help support us?"
"Yes!"
"You already walked away once. And that was after months of us getting your bad attitude shoved in our faces. Did you know that we actually complained about you to Rachel once? Before you walked away? And she defended you and asked us to cut you some slack?"
Santana watches shock spread across her face. No. She hadn't known that. San nods and steps closer.
"If you're back, you'd better fucking be back. Completely. If you don't think you can help support her again, and support us again, as a team, as a family, then you need to figure that out fast and leave. Because I swear to God, if she gets worse and you walk away again, I will ends you."
She snatches up her bag and stalks out of the room.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She'd been worried that dinner would be awkward. It wasn't. Unfortunately, this little family is quite used to drama and handling upsetting news. Other than getting longer, tighter, hugs than usual, it was a pretty normal meal. Well…normal despite it being a Wednesday during the school year and Blaine being with them. Blaine had called his parents and asked if he could stay for dinner. After hearing why, they allowed it. None of the kids are being forced to go to school tomorrow. In fact, Rachel was told she's not allowed to go. She'll be meeting with Renee in the morning, then doing her first treatment. The boys are planning on going with her to the clinic.
Rachel looks around at her family. Then she focuses on Finn, Kurt, and Blaine. Her boys. She wonders if they realize that outside of her mom and Uncle Burt, those three boys are the people she leans on the most. Her phone rings. The caller ID shows her father's name. She looks at her mom.
"Did you tell my father?"
"I did. Is that him calling?"
She nods, then sets her phone down. She's not answering. Not only is she all talked out at the moment, but she still doesn't want to talk to him. About anything. He doesn't leave a voicemail.
"You should talk to him at some point." Uncle Burt tells her. "You may not be close with him, or happy with him, and I get it and support you completely. But when it comes to something like this, he's going to need to hear your voice at some point and have a chance to remind you that he loves you. It's a dad thing."
"But he's not my dad. You are."
It doesn't seem to matter that she has expressed this sentiment a few times before; the man still gets choked up.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rachel stares down at the two little blue pills in the palm of her hand. She thought she was done with this. Thought she'd never need to take these damn things again. Yet, here they are. And here she is. She focuses on her reflection in the mirror.
"I won't have to take these for long. And I won't have attacks to deal with. It'll be fine." She assures herself.
She swallows the pills.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She talks to Renee. She was impressed with how Sue got through to her and even wrote down the Kintsugi metaphor for future reference. The woman gently guides her to express each of her emotions. Other than her mini breakdown with Mercedes, she hasn't actually cried about her relapse. Even last night, curled up with her mom, she hadn't cried. She hadn't felt like she'd needed to despite being upset. Renee pointed out the benefits of a cathartic cry. Rachel ended up sitting in her semi-soundproof closet so she could cry out her feelings. She knows she didn't actually let herself tap into how deeply she's hurt by her relapse, but she released enough to continue feeling calm and satisfy Renee that she's handling it well.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She watches dispassionately as Nurse Karen inserts the needle. She thought she was done with this. She moves her gaze to the ceiling, letting go of that train of thought. She can't think of that. She needs to stay positive. Her boys were going to join her, but her mom, Uncle Burt, and Scott decided to go instead. She ignores the quiet murmurings from the adults. She lets herself think about the musical. She goes over her lines in her head. It's a good distraction. Until her head starts hurting, at least. By the end of her treatment, her head is pounding. She didn't say anything, but it must have been obvious because Nurse Karen brought over ibuprofen for her. When it's over, Uncle Burt…..Dad…hugs her, kisses her head, and heads to work. Rachel leans on Scott on the way to the car. She wonders if he'll skip proposing now. Probably. They just have too much drama and too much baggage. He probably doesn't want a sick stepdaughter. When sick, she's quite the burden, she knows. And her mom's focus is going to be on her, not her boyfriend/fiancé. That'd probably be disappointing for him, no matter how understanding he is. She leans on him and feels herself getting upset. She'll miss him. She really does like him and she knows her mom loves him.
"Hey," He says softly, "for all we know, you may only need a couple of these and then you'll be back to remission!"
She nods. It's true. It is a possibility. But with her luck, she's not going to hold her breath. They go home and watch a couple episodes of Firefly. Scott had been right; she does like it. And it's a good distraction. Staying positive is hard work and watching a show means no one will try to talk to her. Her father calls again. She doesn't want to talk, but feels a little guilty constantly letting his calls go unanswered. She realizes she has the perfect excuse to keep this call short, too. Her finger hovers over the screen. No. She doesn't want to talk. Not to him. Not to anyone. She puts the phone down and tries to ignore the guilt. She shakes away thoughts of him alone and upset, turning to the bottle once again. It's not her problem, it's his. It never should have been her problem.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She doesn't go to school the next day, either. There's no point. It's Friday, early dismissal, and the last day before winter break. She stays home, with Yero sticking close to her side still. She has noticed that when she starts slipping into deep thoughts, he'll try to get her attention. He'll lick her hand or face, press his muzzle into her hand or against her torso, put a paw on her leg, or he'll curl up on or against her. She's not sure if she's relieved or annoyed by it. She can't be mad at him for it, so regardless of her opinion, she makes sure to pet him. She wants to take him for a walk, but is afraid her mom will say no. That's not an argument she's ready to have just yet, so she's avoiding asking. In the late morning, Rachel finds her mother grading papers on the couch. She sits next to her, leaning against her arm. Her mom immediately puts her papers down and wraps a hand over one of hers. She doesn't speak, choosing instead to let Rachel talk when she's ready. Rachel appreciates it. She's in a much better frame of mind and focusing on being positive, but it's still hard.
"Mom? Are we…can we still do our ski trip?"
Her mom kisses her head. Rachel swears she can feel the woman's hesitation. "Yes, we're still going."
A smile starts to spread across her face as relief flows over her. Fingers gently hook under her chin and lift her head. Her mom's eyes are stern.
"On one condition. If you get an attack you need to tell me immediately."
Rachel's relief is swept away from her and she splutters. "That's—"
"Fair. It's fair. We'll go. It doesn't look like you have Danton's. And since you're still early stage one, then I see no problem with us going on our ski trip. I'm not saying we'll leave if you get an attack. I just need to know right away. Okay?"
The teenager debates grumbling, but since she's getting what she wants decides to simply nod. It does sound fair. She just hates it.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She wasn't surprised when her friends came over after school. She figures they would have come over the day before if she hadn't had her treatment. She assumes they knew would not have been feeling well afterwards. Brittany is the first through the door and instantly embraces her. Neither speak. She's pulled from the dancer's arms by Quinn. She receives many hugs. Noah is last. He lifts her so her feet are above the ground and carries her into the living room, making her smile a little. Everyone settles in on the various seats or on the floor. Some even settle on other's laps to make room.
"Look, we realize you're doing pretty well emotionally. You're focusing on the positive and keeping your head up. We're proud of you." Kurt takes the lead, "But there are things we need to say. So you need to listen."
Her eyes scan each face. Every single one of them is looking back at her with serious expressions. She nods. "I'm listening."
"It's very uncertain right now. You could go back into remission before New Years. You could go back into remission in just a few months. You might not go back into remission for a year. Or two years. It could be as bad as it was last time. It could be a lot calmer. You might not have Danton's, so we might not have to worry about attacks. But no matter what, we're here for you. Good or bad, you can't shut us out completely. You had a hard time opening up and admitting when you weren't feeling well last time. You can't do that again. No matter how bad it gets or if you stay stage one then go into remission next month; we want to know how you're feeling. So that we can help you."
"A lot of the time, we felt helpless before." Finn takes over. "We feel better knowing we're helping you feel better."
Blaine leans forward. "We can't help you feel better if we don't know how you're feeling. You said we're your gold, making you stronger. So let us hold you together."
"I think we proved that we're not weak and won't back away if things get rough." Tina points out. "We can handle whatever you toss at us."
"Some of us can." Santana mumbles, eyeing Mercedes.
Mercedes glares. "I came back!"
"You still left."
"I said I was sorry!"
"Enough. It's over, get over it." Quinn snaps at them.
The two hot headed girls cross their arms and huff, but thankfully stop arguing.
"You really didn't notice anything wrong?" Brittany questions.
Rachel frowns. "I mean…..not really. I've been sleeping more and getting tired more, but I've been really busy! And if it came back at all, I didn't expect it to return this soon."
The others nod. They're quiet for a minute, then Kurt sighs and turns on the television. An argument over what to watch breaks out. The normalcy helps Rachel relax even more. Her mom orders pizza and salad. After eating, they bundle up and head to their spot. With how busy they've all been, they haven't been there very often lately. They talk, sing, dance, joke around, and even end up playing a very amusing game of hide and seek. They all laughed hysterically after one round when they discovered that Sam had hidden Artie's chair in a bush and carried him over his shoulders to a different hiding place. With their parent's permission, they end up having an impromptu sleepover in the woods. No tents, just blankets and coats and each other. It's a cold night, but not too bad.
Around two in the morning it began to snow softly. Everyone was sitting around the fire talking when they noticed it. The physical warmth from the fire, the emotional warmth from being around each other, the beautiful view of snowflakes falling around them, and the remnants of joy lingering from the night together all combine to create one of those rare magical life moments. Looking around at the way the others are smiling, Rachel knows she's not the only one feeling it. Brittany starts laughing softly, a large grin on her face. Sam laughs next. Suddenly, every teenager is laughing. If asked, none of them would be able to explain why they were all laughing. It just felt right. Just as they all feel this moment become ingrained in their memories. None of them will ever forget this night. Kurt, being how he is, takes a picture.
They decide to turn in. They pull blankets out of the chest they keep there. Most of them curl up in groups of two or three. Rachel curls against Finn, loving this opportunity to sleep with her boyfriend. She lies in his arms and stares up at the night sky. She watches her breath puff out in front of her. The misty cloud only appears fleetingly, visible for only a few seconds before dissipating. She imagines those puffs as the hard times to come; cold, dense, and blocking out the stars. And they will come. But, like those visible clouds of breath in winter, they will dissipate and the stars will reappear. She snuggles back against Finn.
No matter what is to come, she can count on the people surrounding her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A/N: She was always going to relapse. It has always been my plan to have her nearly die, survive at the last moment, then go into remission, only to relapse 5 months later. I've had that planned out since the beginning of book one. I have a reason. I have a plan.
