Hello again! This chapter is a bit longer that the previous ones have been! Hope you don't mind! Enjoy!
The morning of October 30th, I didn't see Remus on my way to get breakfast and was worried about him. That night was the full moon, and though he said his transformations were easier with the Wolfsbane potion, I was sure it still wasn't a very pleasant experience. I wouldn't normally be worried about him the day of the full moon because he still usually would teach through the day despite looking like he would keel over at any point, he still kept his spirits up. When James, Sirius, and Peter figured out how to become Animagi in our fifth year I wanted to do the same, but of course Dumbledore found out about what they had done and told me not to do it. Naturally, they all continued with it anyway, but I knew it would be best not to go against Dumbledore on the matter. Walking back to my classroom after breakfast, I saw Severus standing in front of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom rather than Remus. Last month he was still okay to teach the day of the full moon, so I was getting more worried about him. I think my students could tell I was distracted during my morning classes, but I tried not to let my worry affect my teaching. Once it was time for lunch I decided I would go see if maybe Remus was staying in the Hospital Wing, hoping that would help to ease my worry about him. When I walked into the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey looked up from her papers and got a worried look on her face when she saw me.
"Good afternoon, professor. Is everything alright?" she asked me as I approached her desk.
"Yes, Poppy, everything is fine with me, you have no need to worry. I just came to see if maybe Professor Lupin was here?" I said uncertainly.
"Yes, actually. Come, I'll take you over to him," she said, getting up and leading me to a bed with the curtains drawn. I stayed back a few feet while she asked him if he felt up to seeing anyone. "Go on," she said as she passed me, giving me a small smile. I approached the opening in the curtains tentatively, not wanting to bother Remus too much.
"Oh, Avery, it's you," he said when he saw me, seeming pleased to see me.
"Remus you look awful," I said before thinking and he smirked at me slightly.
"Trust me, I've looked worse before a full moon before," he said, pushing himself to sit up more. "Some months are worse than others. Here, sit," he said, gesturing to the edge of the bed. I sat down, unsure of what to say.
"Severus is substituting for you class today, which I found a little odd," I finally said, just trying to start a conversation.
"Yes, Dumbledore suggested it. Does it seem to be going okay?" he asked, not seeming too keen on Severus Snape substituting for his class.
"Yes, it seems to be going just fine. The students aren't too happy about it from what I can tell, but he seems to be making do," I said, knowing the students would much rather have Remus teaching them. Lily had told me how much she enjoyed Defense Against the Dark Arts and from her stories about class I could tell Remus was a fantastic teacher.
"I'm not sure why this month's full moon is affecting me so much worse than usual. I don't want to have to miss teaching a class if I can help it," he said with a sigh, looking defeated.
"I know, but you don't need to push yourself too hard either. From what I've seen, you're the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this school has seen in a long time, we don't want you going anywhere anytime soon" I said and pushed a piece of hair off his forehead. I froze as I realized what I was doing, quickly pulling my hand away from him. I stood up to leave, suddenly feeling embarrassed.
"Please don't go yet," he said, reaching for my hand, but I pulled away.
"I should get back to my classroom," I said, but didn't want to seem like a total jerk and added, "Um, I can come back after dinner if you'd like, keep you company until, well, you know."
"Yes, I would like that. I'll still be going to the Shrieking Shack tonight like I did while we were in school, but that won't be until late," he said and I turned to go back to my classroom, bidding him goodbye. I still had plenty of time before my afternoon classes came in, which meant I had time to pull myself together. I knew Remus still loved me and that I still loved him, but trying to find your way back into a marriage that basically didn't exist for twelve years was something I didn't know I would ever have to deal with and I wasn't sure exactly what to do anymore. My first year class came in after a few more minutes and I hoped Lily would wait to ask me the questions I knew she had about why I wasn't in the Great Hall at lunch time. She was the last of the students to file into the room and opened her mouth to say something, I knew immediately she had questions for me.
"Later," I said before she could get a word out and she slouched her shoulders. I knew she wanted to know why I was absent from lunch, but she would just have to wait until later. My two afternoon classes (first year and fourth year classes) went by fairly quickly and Lily came to find me before dinner.
"Mum, can I ask you something?" she said as she approached my desk.
"Of course, dear," I responded, interested to see what she was going to ask.
"Why does Professor Lupin seem to favor me over the other first years?" she asked, surprising me. I had no idea Remus had been picking favorites with her and knew I would have to say something to him about it.
"I don't know. He doesn't seem the type to pick favorites," I said, standing up from my desk to walk with Lily to the Great Hall.
"It just seems like he likes me more than the other students," she said as we walked out of my classroom.
"I'll ask him about it when I see him next, how about that?" I said, putting my arm over her shoulders as we walked.
"Okay. Why didn't I see you at lunch today?" she said, looking up at me for a moment while we walked.
"I let time slip up on me while I was grading some particularly difficult seventh year essays," I told her. I didn't want to lie to her, but I didn't want her to know where I'd really been, knowing there would be even more questions if she knew.
"Oh so that's why you were so tense," she said, but I could tell she knew I wasn't quite telling the whole truth.
"The Giant Wars are not a subject to take lightly, you know," I said, teasing her. And I really was telling the truth then, I had assigned my seventh year class a particularly difficult essay about the Giant Wars, having them defend one side of the war over the other.
"Mum, you know you don't have to lie to me about how you feel about Professor Lupin, right?" she said out of the blue after we walked in silence for a moment.
"What are you talking about?" I asked her nervously.
"It's not hard to tell you both like each other," she said nonchalantly and I wondered if there were any rumors that had been started about me and Remus that I hadn't heard about yet.
"Are other students saying things about me and Professor Lupin?" I asked her, wanting to be sure she wasn't hearing anything inappropriate about us.
"Some are, especially the girls. They've come up with this crazy story that you used to date or something," she said. Oh if only they knew.
"My past with Professor Lupin is a little complicated, but don't listen to any of those rumors you might hear, okay?" I said as we walked into the Great Hall.
"You promise to tell me about it?" she asked me, looking at me expectantly.
"I promise. But not quite yet, okay?" I said as we approached the Gryffindor table.
"Oh, fine. See you later, mum," she said, bouncing away towards her friends and I made my way to my spot at the staff table. The Great Hall was buzzing with conversation about the Halloween feast the next day, all of the students getting excited for the treats that would be present. I still dreaded Halloween every year. While Lily was growing up I made sure to keep that dread to myself to make sure she still had fun, but the anniversary of my best friends death was not an easy day to get through. Looking down the Gryffindor table, I could see Harry and his friends looking towards where Remus would usually be sitting, whispering among themselves. I knew they were speculating why Remus would be absent for an entire day and I hoped they wouldn't figure out the reason for his absence. Hermione Granger was exceptionally bright and I knew if she did even just a bit of research about werewolves it wouldn't take her long to figure out Remus' problem. After dinner I made my way to the Hospital Wing to check up on Remus before he made his way to the Shrieking Shack. I wished I could go with him or help him in some way, but I knew that was nearly impossible, even with the Wolfsbane potion. I smiled at Madam Pomfrey when I entered the Hospital Wing, receiving a smile back from her. As I approached the bed Remus had been occupying all day, I could see that he was sitting up on the edge of the bed and he gave me a small smile when he noticed I was walking towards him.
"I was wondering if you were going to come or not," he said. He looked like he had much more energy than he had previously in the day, but I knew from years of moon cycles with him that it was just his body getting ready for the transformation. I had learned a lot about lycanthropy in the years we had been together. I knew he had the most energy within the couple of hours before and after his actual transformation, but he was also extremely sensitive to others emotions during those times as well and when I looked up at him I knew he knew exactly what I was feeling.
"What's wrong?" he asked, furrowing his brow.
"Nothing you need to worry about. You have far more important things to worry about right now," I said, sitting in the chair next to the bed.
"Avery. You know I can feel exactly what you're feeling. What has you so stressed out right now?" he asked and I knew he was right.
"Lily has just been asking me a lot of questions I don't really know how to answer," I said with a sigh, refusing to look at him.
"Oh, like what?" he asked me.
"Like why you're playing favorites in the first year Defense class," I said, giving him a pointed look.
"I am doing no such thing," he said, but seemed to be thinking about something.
"According to Lily you are. You can't do that, Remus. Not unless you suddenly are ready to tell her every detail of the last twelve or thirteen years. That's not something I'm ready for. I mean shit, what kind of relationship do we even have? Will we ever go back to the way things used to be and actually be a family again?" I said, all of my anxiety about the subject at hand bubbling to the surface, stopping short when I'd realized what I said.
"You know we can't do that. We can't just be a family again because of what I am,
Avery. I won't put Lily at risk like that," he said, avoiding eye contact with me.
"Merlin, you are so thick sometimes, Remus. I love you for you. All of you. Every single part from the scars and the grey hair to your absolute selflessness and empathy for others," I said, getting up to stand in front of him. I took his face into my hands to make him look at me so that maybe what I was saying to him would get through his thick skull just a little bit. "Remus, you are one of the kindest, most selfless people I have ever met, the only other person that might give you a run for your money there is your daughter. And I know she got that straight from you. There are no words for the pain I felt every single day for the last twelve years being apart from you. And to watch Lily grow up and be so much like you, think about what that's put me through for her whole life up to this point," I continued fervently.
"I'm sorry, Avery, truly I am, but I cannot risk anything happening to you or Lily because of me. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to either one of you," he said, taking my hands in his and holding them in front of him.
"Then I have nothing more to say to you," I told him, glaring daggers at him. He looked rather shocked, but let my hands go and I saw anger flare up in his eyes momentarily, which can be dangerous this close to moon rise. At that point I knew it would be best if I just left. "I'm sorry," I said quietly, turning to walk out of the Hospital Wing. I wasn't sure what had come over me in that moment, but I instantly regretted what I'd said as soon as I started walking down the corridor. I knew better than to go back and try to right what I'd done, though. The moon would be rising within the next hour, so any anger he had towards me in that moment would still be palpable. Not something I felt I could handle at that time, not after what I'd just said to him. When I got back to my classroom, Lily was sitting in the floor outside the door.
"Lily, what are you doing here?" I said, opening the door as she stood up.
"I just wanted to spend time with you like we used to. Look, I brought some Bertie Bott's," she said, pulling two boxes of jelly beans out of her pocket. I was a little surprised, but happy to have the distraction. When Lily was younger we would play a game where we would guess the flavor of each jelly bean individually and whoever got it wrong had to eat that jelly bean, regardless of what flavor it was. She had gotten very good at being able to pick out which ones were the good ones and I'd eaten more than my fair share of vomit and earwax flavored jelly beans.
"Come on, then. I bet I'll get all the good ones," I said with a grin, leading her up to my bedroom that was connected to my office. We talked and laughed for hours and before I knew it she was leaning into my side falling asleep. I had my arm around her shoulders, our boxes of jelly beans discarded into the floor long ago. I began nodding off to sleep, but before I could totally fall asleep, a howl in the distance woke me back up. Lily stirred, moving so that she was laying on her side, moving out from under my arm. I got out of bed and walked over to my window, looking up at the bright full moon, again regretting what I had said to Remus earlier. I sighed, knowing I wouldn't be getting much sleep that night. The next morning I woke up before Lily did and decided to let her sleep since it was Saturday. The sun had just begun to rise as I was getting myself ready for the day. It was Hogsmeade weekend and I was to go, a few staff members went each time to keep an eye on the students. But it was also Halloween, so the castle was already buzzing with excitement by the time I walked out of my classroom, Lily at my side. I glanced towards the Hospital Wing as we walked across the corridor to get into the Great Hall, trying to decide if I should try to see Remus, even though I was sure I was the last person he would want to see, but decided to go anyway.
"Hey, I'll be in in just a moment, I've got to go ask Madam Pomfrey something really quick," I said to Lily, stopping in the middle of the corridor.
"Okay, see you later, mum," she said and I could tell she felt better now than she had the previous night. I took a deep breath and walked into the Hospital Wing, fully expecting Remus to tell me to leave. I walked over to the bed I knew to be his, but Madam Pomfrey stopped me before I got there.
"Professor Stroupe, I believe Professor Lupin would prefer not to have any visitors right now," she said earnestly. I felt a bit deflated, thinking back to before Lily was born and how much he needed me the morning after a full moon then.
"I assure you, it's quite alright Madam Pomfrey," I heard Remus say from his bed where he'd drawn the curtain back a bit. Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips in disapproval, but allowed me past to see Remus.
"How are you feeling?" I asked him as I sat in the chair next to the bed.
"As though I've been hit by the Knight Bus. But I'll be alright," he answered. He certainly looked worse than I remembered after a full moon, probably because of age if nothing else.
"Remus, I want to apologize for what I said last night. I realize now that I was totally out of line," I said, looking down at my hands.
"You don't need to apologize, you had a perfectly reasonable response to me. Hey, look at me," he said and I raised my head up. I couldn't decipher the look he was giving me, but all of the previous nights anger was gone.
"What are we going to do?" I asked him quietly.
"We'll figure it out, don't worry," he said, pushing my hair out of my face.
"I should go. Hogsmeade weekend," I said, standing up.
"Try not to have too much fun without me," he said, giving me a crooked smile.
"I'll try not to. I'll come by and see you later?" I asked him tentatively.
"That would be lovely," he said. I nodded and walked towards the door of the Hospital Wing, giving him a small wave before I left. Well, I was at least glad he wasn't angry with me like I thought he would be. I figured while I was at Hogsmeade I could get him some chocolate from Honeyduke's and Lily some more Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. I walked to the Great Hall with a small smile on my face, happy to have some sense of normalcy with Remus now.
Thank you so much for reading! I would love to know what you think of everything happening between Avery and Remus! Also, I do plan on putting some flashbacks in this story, but I'm interested to know who would want to see a story of Avery and Remus' time at Hogwarts as students. I'd love to hear from you in a review!
