A/N: This is written in tribute to the late Red Buttons, who made several guest appearances on Fantasy Island—one of which was my favorite of his roles, Cornelius Kelly (from the Sunday Special episode "Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice", which originally aired May 6, 1979). This little tale brings back Cornelius and his sidekick Alphonse, who was played by Billy Barty. Let me know if you like it! (And yes, I'm just MagicSwede1965 under a different name!)
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§ § § -- July 14, 1993

It was said that the Ichino quadruplets were sometimes too curious for their own good, and the female half of the quartet was about to prove it once again. In the middle of summer vacation from school and searching for some distraction other than the usual pursuits of going to the beach or playing with their three-year-old nephew, Julianne and Jennette Ichino found themselves wandering along the Ring Road one steamy Wednesday morning, trying to come up with something novel. "Well, blast it, there's nothing to do," Jennette finally complained in exasperation. "They say everybody in the world wants to come live here. I bet they wouldn't if they knew how boring it really is!"

The drone of an engine somewhere over their heads caught Julianne's attention, and she looked up. "Hey, wait a minute…there's the plane," she said. "Remember last Christmas when Jonathan tried to talk Mr. Roarke and Miss Leslie into hiring him to ring the bell at the main house, and how that never worked out? Well, we could do him one better. Let's go meet the plane. Camille says Mr. Roarke and Miss Leslie go to the plane dock only on Saturday mornings, so they'll never know."

"You mean in case we're someplace we aren't supposed to be?" Jennette asked.

Julianne thought about that for a moment. "Well, that too, I guess, but they probably wouldn't mind anyway since there won't be any fantasizers today. Come on, let's go see who gets off the plane. At least it'll be something to do."

Jennette shrugged. "True. Okay, let's do it."

The two sisters pelted along the roadside till they had reached the clearing where all guests got their first good look at Fantasy Island, and paused at its edge. They knew, through their older sister Camille who was Leslie's friend, all about the warm and festive welcome Roarke gave his fantasizing guests every Saturday, and a couple of years ago she had even sneaked them and their two brothers to the clearing so that they could see a typical Saturday morning for her friend. The two girls in particular had been awed, but even Jonathan and Jeremy had been impressed. So the clearing looked strange to them now, with no band playing a lively Hawaiian-flavored tune and only four native women lining the dock, all of them with leis only. And of course, no white-suited hosts calling out a greeting.

But they were just in time to see the attendants finish securing the seaplane to its moorings and then open the door for the new arrivals. A number of teenagers filed off the plane, kids a few years older than Julianne and Jennette. Next a harried-looking Taiwanese woman, whom the girls knew slightly from their own tiny Asian settlement, shepherded four small, rowdy children onto the landing dock in front of her. One of her charges lagged behind, yelling what sounded like taunts at still another child who stuck out his tongue at the offender. Julianne and Jennette squinted at him. He didn't look like…

"Hey," Julianne whispered in surprise, "that other kid…that's not even a kid!"

Jennette blinked. "Yeah, you're right…it's a midget! Do you think it's Tattoo?"

"Gee, I dunno. I wish Camille was here. She could tell us if it's Tattoo," Julianne said wistfully. She and the other quads had heard quite a few stories from their older sister about the days when Tattoo had been Roarke's assistant, but they had no idea what Tattoo had looked like.

Then an average-sized redheaded man stepped out of the plane and focused on the smaller man. "Alphonse, act your age," he said in annoyance, his voice carrying clearly to the two girls. Julianne and Jennette looked at each other.

"Okay, so it isn't Tattoo," Julianne said, disappointed. "You think we'll ever get to meet him?"

"Who knows," Jennette sighed. "But geez, who's ever named Alphonse anymore?"

Julianne giggled, and they turned their attention back to the plane dock, where the red-haired man and the one apparently named Alphonse were strolling down the ramp collecting leis. The Taiwanese child was still calling out insults at Alphonse, who finally pulled an impressively ugly gargoyle face on the kid.

"Alphonse, get rid of that brat and mind your own business," the red-haired man ordered in exasperation.

At which the Taiwanese mother turned to glare at him. "How dare you call my child a brat!" she snapped. "Pick on someone your own size, you bully!"

"Oh." The redhead blushed, matching his hair. "Sorry, ma'am. We didn't realize he was your kid. Pardon me."

"Hmph," the woman sniffed disdainfully. "Chuckie, come on, we need to get home."

"Let's go, Alphonse, we've got business to conduct," the redhead announced, leading the small man across the clearing. Julianne and Jennette tried to duck out of sight behind the tall forsythia bushes across the road from the clearing itself, but they were too late; the men had spotted them and now headed straight for them.

"Hey, don't run," said Alphonse. "We don't bite."

"How do we know that?" demanded Julianne, always a little bolder than her twin sister. Jennette nodded agreement.

"We're not dogs," Alphonse said, scowling.

His companion sighed, rolled his eyes and then pasted on a pleasant expression for the girls' benefit. "Allow me to introduce myself, ladies. My name is Cornelius Kelly, and this is my friend Alphonse. Tell me, is Mr. Roarke available?"

Julianne and Jennette looked at each other. "Well, I guess he is, but he and Miss Leslie are always busy all the time," Jennette finally ventured.

"But it's kinda early," Julianne put in thoughtfully, "so maybe they're still at home. They live in the main house. You know where that is, Mr. Kelly?"

"Oh, sure," said Cornelius Kelly with a grin. "That we do."

"Who'd you say besides Roarke?" Alphonse put in.

"Miss Leslie," said Jennette. "Mr. Roarke's daughter. She's his assistant."

The two men looked at each other in surprise. "Roarke musta finally fired Tattoo," Alphonse remarked. "To tell ya the truth, chief, I'm glad. He really out—" He cut himself off when Cornelius made a sharp slashing motion through the air.

"Out what?" Julianne prompted with interest.

"Out…did himself showing us around the island last time we were here," Cornelius said and grinned foolishly. "Well, it was nice meeting you girls. We need to get going. Come on, Alphonse…hubba hubba!" With that, the two men headed away toward the paved Ring Road, of which the dirt lane that terminated at the plane dock was an offshoot.

Julianne and Jennette looked at each other again, completely confused. "What the heck does 'hubba hubba' mean?" Jennette asked, and Julianne shrugged blankly.