Chapter/Day Five
By: Liz D
Normal Disclaimers – Thanks for playing along.Spoilers: Post-Paraguay / Pre Season 9
Written: September 2003TUESDAY – 1018 ESTJAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
Mac was overloaded. Monday out – so catching up was Tuesday's first agenda item. Harm's cases were divvied up among the staff. She was roped. She had court on Friday on a felony theft case that she had no hope in hell of winning. Her client was caught dead to rights but she had three days to try to figure out how to lessen this guy's sentence. She had to interview a deserter in an hour that she was tasked with defending. Finally she had one of Harm's cases coming up on Thursday that completely eluded her. Charges of sexual harassment were filed by a male RIO against his female pilot that included interfering with the RIOs advancement. The charges were ridiculous. When Harm was doing the investigation she had recommended that he NOT pursue it. It was clearly a case of a lovers spat gone awry. She not only would NOT have brought charges now she had to prosecute. Worse than that she had too many other things to do and she couldn't call Harm to find out what his approach was going to be.
Or could she?
She could call him with his case as an excuse and ask what his strategy was going to be. He would have to talk to her; it was about work. It would be an interesting conversation since it was about two people who worked together with some sexual tension between them. It might open a door for him to discuss or hint at what he was feeling about her – it has been done in the past. But it would also open the same door for her to reveal how she felt about him; she still was unsure she wanted to do that particularly because she wasn't prepared to talk about it or even fully own it. Every time she allowed her self to think of them trying to be a couple there was a very loud voice in her head that said 'Don't Do It … you two don't stand a chance in the long run, and you will lose your friendship.' She was not sure where that voice was coming from, but it demanded to be heeded. A little voice in her head said the friendship was nearly lost already due to this inability to deal with the other stuff and that she needed to do something about that quickly. It didn't matter anyway, he had made his feelings very clear the day before – he was done with the "us" portion of her. So if she called him to discuss the case, he would suspect that she was just manipulating the situation to keep the connection between them, then he would be angry or annoyed that she was being so – so – so transparent. It would only make matters worse. In the end, he was out of the office for a reason, he didn't need to be burdened with work or have some guilt laid at his feet that he his absence was causing other people a lot of trouble.
But she could still call him and ask if he was OK – as a friend.
She reached for the phone and thought better of it. He would just dismiss her with an 'I'm fine' comment that would again prove that he was done. She put the phone down and looked up in time to see Mic was standing in her doorway. Mac tried to delay him with the mountain of work she had, but knew that he would not go away. She relented to the offered lunch if only to take the time to send him away for good.
"Mac," he said after they had ordered. "I have a confession to make,"
"Look, I get to go first," she cut him off. "I know I hurt you and I am sorry about that. You have to know that it was not intentional. As for the state of my life and how I choose to spend my time and with whom – it is no longer a concern of yours. You no longer are permitted to have an opinion."
"OK."
She paused waiting for him to protest or something. He didn't. After a moment or two he began in earnest.
"There is something I need to explain," he said tentatively. "When I came to you the other night, I had something else to tell you – but instead … well I couldn't help myself."
"What are you talking about?"
"When I saw you the whole thing came flooding back to me and I wanted payback."
"Payback?"
"I saw the guilt you were feeling and it wasn't enough, so I asked if you wanted to marry me," he shook his head and forged on in spite of the anger building in her eyes. "I don't know what I would have done if you had said yes," he laughed. "I was pretty sure you wouldn't."
"I don't understand."
"I met a woman – a wonderful woman who loves me and is not afraid to admit it," he paused to let the obvious sink in.
"You met someone?"
"Yes, her name is Candi and she is a travel agent. We got married yesterday."
"Married? Yesterday?"
"I suppose I should have told you sooner – I have been trying to get a hold of you for months now, but you never seem to be at home or feel the need to return my phone calls."
She shook her head – it was too much even for Mic.
"We met on the plane ride home years ago. For a long time I thought she was a replacement for you. That you were the great unrequited love of my life. That there was no way I could ever love again,"
Mac looked embarrassed and annoyed.
"Not true. There is no ONE GREAT LOVE. That is crap from movies and TV. My feelings for you were real but I got over them," he sighed. "The only regret I have is that I wish you were a little more honest with me – but I forgive you because you weren't honest with yourself either."
Mac was thrown – how was she supposed to respond to any of that? "Honest with you?"
"Maybe it was not honesty – maybe you really just didn't know," he looked at her. "I should have known all the signs were there. It was as much my fault as it was yours."
"What signs?"
"Dress white and gold wings, Mac?" Mic's broad smile seemed very out of place. "I am talking about Harm."
"You are stepping way over the line here Mic. You know nothing about my relationship with Harm."
"I am not sure you know anything about it either"
"My relationship with Harm is no one's – and I mean NO ONE's business but my own!" Mac was livid.
"You can't stop people from caring Sarah," he forged on in spite of the expression on her face that said STAND DOWN. "I saw his face yesterday, Mac. I saw him look at you when he thought you and I were together. I know that look Sarah. I have had it myself."
"I can't believe you went to his grandmother's funeral to make him jealous. That is totally inexcusable. What were you thinking? Have you always been this vindictive?"
"Not vindictive Sarah, honest."
"It is that kind of honesty that no one needs in life."
"Let him go, Sarah," he smiled. "Do both of you a favor and let him go."
"Mic I am going to say this once and one time only. I don't ever want to hear from you again. What you did is inexcusable. I am glad you found someone that makes you happy. Please don't ever darken my door again."
"Mac."
"And I want you to leave Harm alone as well. I have no idea how he will respond when I tell him what you did, but if I were you, I wouldn't want to be around to find out."
"Mac – what did I--?
"No, Mic. I don't even know who you are. For all Harm's faults and for all the things people think about us – he would never pull a stunt like that on anyone – on his worst enemy – much less someone he loved or even used to love."
"Oh really?" he smirked. "I guess courting you and kissing you at our engagement party was the act of an officer and a gentleman, huh?"
Mac looked shocked as that scene played back in her head. Mic knew about that?
"Should have closed the blinds Mac."
"Goodbye Mic," Mac left before the lunch arrived.
'Let him go' was Mic's advice to her. They rang in her ears. "Let him go," she thought, "Let them all go,"
Men can't live with them can't shoot them in the back of the head and dump their bodies in a ditch!
Back at the office near dinnertime, she was contemplating ordering in or just going without. She hadn't eaten all day. Harriet had offered to get her some dinner but at the time Mac was just hoping that everyone would go home and leave her there by her self. She needed to work.
She closed her eyes for a moment and let her mind rest. Before she knew it she was reliving the scene from Friday night. A part of her wanted to replay it over and over in her head but she forced it back. When she opened her eyes Webb was in her door way.
"Don't people KNOCK?!" was her snappish remark.
"Didn't want to wake you if you were sleeping."
"Sorry, Clay. It has been a really bad day – week – couple of weeks."
"Well, I am not sure if this is going to make it any better for you or not."
"Now what?"
"I am going to Kabul," he announced.
"For how long."
"Permanently."
"Excuse me?"
"After our little trip to Paraguay and a few other unsuccessful jobs, I have been demoted and they are sending me to a field office."
"And they picked Kabul?"
"I picked it."
"Clay – that is -."
"A pretty primo assignment. There is a lot of stuff going on in that part of the world. I have already made a lot of contacts and I will be going deep under cover. I will be unreachable for more than a year – probably closer to two."
"Why are you doing this Clay?"
"You know why Mac."
She shook her head. She didn't want to own her factor of his decision. "It's suicide."
"Not really – at least it shouldn't be. I need to get back to work. I have been distracted long enough and I need to throw myself back into the job."
"Clay."
"You are not responsible for this," he smiled. "Or only slightly. If things were different between us, then yeah, I would have fought to find a job here in DC, but they aren't, so I need to do what I do best. I'm a spook Mac. I need to do it and I am good at it."
"When do you leave?"
"Catching the next transport – leaves in about an hour."
"An hour?"
"Yeah, I stopped here on my way to Andrews. Wanted to say good bye in person."
Mac got up and came around her desk and hugged him hard. "Take care of yourself Clay."
"You know I will. I always do."
"If you ever need me --."
"I won't. I can't be responsible for putting your life in jeopardy again," he said sadly.
"Get in touch with me some how just to let me know you are alive."
"When I can," he pulled away from her. "I've got to go," he kissed her softly on the cheek and she returned the kiss on the lips.
"Be careful."
He turned to leave and then turned back. "Find yourself some happiness, Sarah. There is no one who deserves it more than you do. You have earned it."
"Thank you."
"It doesn't have to be with Rabb you know, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Fish that would actually enjoy being hooked by you," he smiled and walked out.
There were plenty of fish in the sea, fish that would not be so – fishy. Mic was caught and thrown back. Clay was caught and thrown back. Harm never took the bait (to follow a metaphor). She could always re-bait her hook and try something else – or try for someone else. But even now, she didn't feel like dropping a line in the water. She let the fish that she would measure all others against get away. Or did she?
She pulled out her cell and dialed number two on her speed dial.
"Hi . . . just me checking in . . . hope you are OK. Call me . . . if you need to talk – OK . . . bye," she hung up. Can't imagine why he wouldn't take that bait. Maybe she really didn't want to catch him. Maybe Mic was right. Maybe she was just using him to keep her heart safe. Set a goal, throw ever road block including the kitchen sink in your own way that the goal is unattainable and then do nothing to attain it – you never win, but you also don't have to give up trying, or live with the victory. Her head hurt and her heart was beginning to really ache. She went back to work.
X X X X X X X X X X X
Harm found himself alone – truly alone – for the first time in days. He went out on to the lawn under the stars and the full moon. It was amazing how quiet it was out there in the middle of nowhere. The sound of the crickets and frogs and other nightly animals noises drifted softly into his ears. Life made sense there – or at least the reason for life. He would head home the next day. Back to his life. Back to the normalcy that he had grown accustomed to. He had a few more days before he needed to be at the office, but he would go back and get a jump on the routine. Why did he know it would not be the same?
Mac – he thought about her a lot. He missed her phone call by seconds and decided not to call her back. There was something in her voice that was too too. He wanted her to want him. He wanted her to stand up and make a statement. She would never do that. He knew it. But yet he waited for a sign that someday she would. Someday she would turn to the same page that he was on and they would figure it out. That someday never seemed so far away as it did that night under the moon and the stars alone on the Rabb farm.
The aloneness nearly over took him. He slumped down on the picnic bench down near the stream and looked back at the house. There was something small moving toward him. He couldn't tell if it were a dog, a raccoon or a possum, but it was making a bee-line right too him. Before he knew it – there was a cat – jet black and shiny - in his lap. She was purring and rubbing her head on him and demanding to be paid attention to. He did.
"Who are you little one?" he said to the little black fur ball that was purring to beat the band. He slipped the tags around and realized that it was his grandmother's cat. He never knew she had a cat. He flipped the tag over and was stunned at the cat's name. "Eternity? Your name is Eternity?" The cat cried and licked his hand demanding more attention. "Well Eternity, seems like my wait is over."
