Shinji's WHAT!
By: Tezza1502
RATING: M (swearing, adult themes and some damn weird shit)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own N.G.E., Anno and GAINAX do. In fact, after this one, I just might find myself fleeing from a wide variety of people. (Don't be hatin', it's all in good fun)
'Thoughts'
"Speech"
NOTES: Okay kids, this one is a little different from other stuff I've tried. I was at work when suddenly three thoughts collided in that strangely cross-referenced mess I call a brain. Here they are; 400 synchronisation ratio + cross-synchronisation + the concept of male pregnancy. My reason for being introduced me to that last one as she was surfing slash. Apparently, they are the last resort for some writers, but can be used to great and hilarious effect by others. They normally only work well when magic is involved but unfortunately for you, my gentle readers, I think I've found a way around it. This bastard idea pounced on me when I was thinking about my other works and won't let go, so if I have to suffer it then so do you. Final warning: if male pregnancy and the inevitable insanity that gets associated with such an occurrence bothers or disturbs you, RUN AWAY! Top left corner, hit the 'back' button and flee to the story menu list. Otherwise, strap in and read on. . .
Final thought: I'm going to burn for this one. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted!
Pandemonium reigned supreme in the crowded room.
"How's his vitals?"
"Stable!"
"Anaesthetic?"
"Looking good. He's comfortable."
"Everything prepped for the surgeon?"
"Good to go."
GIGGLE
"And for God's sake, someone put a dart in that girl before she gets hysterical again!"
"Sorry, nurse. She got away from me."
PFFFT
THUNK
"That should keep her docile until after."
"We can't leave her on the floor like that, it's untidy. Someone could trip."
"Alright, prop her up on one of the chairs outside. And don't let her back in the theatre!"
"Major, it's started."
"Okay. Coming."
-CONCEPTION-
NINE MONTHS AND TWO WEEKS EARLIER . . . . . . .
A young boy wakes up after a long time away. He rises up, looks around and flops back down again to rest.
"This ceiling is getting more and more familiar as time goes by."
Gathering his thoughts, he wonders what happened this time for him to end up in hospital again, why his memories are so very vague.
And why his stomach hurts?
Finding no answers in the roof patterns, he gave up and went back to sleep.
"I'll find out eventually, I guess. It's only the good news they keep hidden from me."
----------
"Well, what's the verdict, Ritsuko?" asked Shinji's guardian.
"Hmmm."
"Is Shinji okay after thirty-one days in Unit-1's belly, or what?"
Dr. Akagi looked over her coffee cup at her worried intruder, "Oh, he's fine. We did a cranial exam and a light physical last night. No abnormalities that we can detect, he's in perfect health."
"Whew!" Misato sagged against the doorframe at that. "So, it's alright if I take him home tonight, then?"
"Not just yet." She frowned, "I'd like to keep him for one more night. Just as a precaution. You see, he has no memory of his time inside her. He was quite surprised when I told him that a month had passed."
The Major zeroed in on that, "Her?"
'Oh, crap!' "What?" She replied as blandly as possible while thinking furiously.
"You called Unit-1 'her'. Why?"
"The Commander always refers to that particular unit as her. After working with the man for so long, I guess I just. . . picked up the habit." Seeing the other woman wanted to pursue it further, Ritsuko tried to throw a bit more water on the fire of her curiosity, "If you want, I could let him know of your interest in the matter?"
Seeing the look of fear cross her friend's face at the mere thought of something so trivial, yet possibly so private being brought to Commander Ikari's personal attention, made Ritsuko smile inside, 'Fire out!'
"No, no, that's fine, no need to go out of your way." Misato stammered as she back-pedalled hurriedly.
"You sure?" The blonde teased.
"Quite. So can I see Shinji now?"
"Yes, but be gentle. He's had a rough time of it."
----------
TEN DAYS LATER
"You want to do WHAT!"
Dr. Akagi looked blandly at her friend, "A cross-synchronisation test. We haven't done one in a while and this is as perfect a time as any. What's the problem?"
Misato lost it at that, "What's the. . . Shinji's just had a traumatic experience with EVA and you want to shove him back in!"
"Exactly. If the horse throws you off, climb back on and try again."
The purple-haired beauty planted the palm of her hand against her forehead, "I work for a bunch of sadists!"
Ritsuko snorted at that, "Oh, don't be such a drama queen! We've ironed out the kinks in Unit-0 so there won't be a repeat of last time." 'We hope'
Pure diss-belief rolled off the Major in waves, "You are going to put him in Unit-0, again!"
"Well, we didn't feel he would be ready to step back into Unit-1 so soon and Unit-2 is still being regenerated so that kind of limits our options." The doctor tried to reassure her. "It will be fine, Major. Besides, this order came from the top." She pointed her thumb over her shoulder at the command platform. "We need to know if he can still synchronise with an EVA, any EVA."
"Well, I don't like it, but you're right. We need to know." Exhaling heavily, she girded her loins for her next task. "I guess I had better break the news to Shinji."
----------
TWO DAYS LATER
"How's it goin' in there, Shinji?"
"Oh, fine Misato." Came a small, nervous reply. "My stomach still feels funny, though."
"Well, everything's in the green out here." She said, trying to keep his spirits up. Closing the link, she turned to the bridge bunnies, "Well, was I lying to him, or what?"
None of them looked up as Lt. Ibuki answered, "No Major. It's all going well."
Misato decided to take that at face value as she watched them work.
"Plug Insertion complete."
"Synchronisation commencing."
"Threshold passed. A-10 connection reached and exceeded."
"All life signs and functions nominal."
"Data lines open and functioning correctly."
"Pilot, please begin synchronising with Unit-0."
"Okay."
"Synch ratio at 17. 29. 42. Still rising."
Dr. Akagi walked over to the Major and whispered smugly, "Told you so."
Misato turned to her friend with a look of pure horror on her face, "For God's sake, don't ever say something like that before everything's finished. Are you insane! Do you really want to tempt the fates like that!"
Ritsuko opened her mouth to respond when it all went south.
"63. 81. 94. Synch rate surging! Dr. Akagi, something's going wrong!"
"WHAT!"
"99. 102. 137. Unit-0 is not fighting him like last time."
"Disconnect the power! Eject the plug! Get the pilot out of there!"
"It's not working!"
"186. 222. 274. Rate is increasing!"
"I thought you said this wouldn't happen again, Ritsuko!"
"SHUT-UP! I'm busy."
"311. 329. 345. 350."
"What the hell is Unit-0 doing?" Misato pointed in shock. The EVA was hunched over with its arms crossed over its mid-section. It seemed to be rocking from side to side.
"350 and holding."
"Dr. Akagi, I'm monitoring a partial diss-corporation of the pilot. Vital signs are all over the place."
"Do what you can to stabilise. How long until the power runs out?"
"Fifty seconds!"
"Synch ratio is dropping. 332. 301. 268. 210."
"How's the pilots vitals?"
"Stabilised. No diss-corporation detected."
"156. 107. 73. 41. 25. 11. Below activation threshold."
"Power is expired. Full control regained. Ejecting plug."
"Get a medical team down there. Isolate the pilot. I want a full medical workup done this time and I mean FULL. Test everything. Something about him is setting off the EVA's and I want to know what!"
Misato got in the last word as she started towards the door, "This is your fault, you know. Not only did you put Shinji in a life-threatening situation before he was ready, again, you had to go and jinx it while trying to rub my nose in it. Bitch."
The three bridge bunnies looked at each other as Dr. Akagi left the room, fuming. "What was that all about?"
Maya answered, "Dr. Akagi told the Major that everything was going fine and that there was nothing to worry about, just before it all went pear shaped."
Hyuga shook his head in amazement. "Damn. Even the Commanders don't tempt fate that way. What was she thinking?"
----------
A FEW DAYS LATER
"Dr. Akagi?"
"Yes Maya."
"Pilot Ikari's results are back."
"And . . ."
"Well, take a look for yourself."
Ritsuko took the paperwork off her assistant and scanned them. She had reached the third page when her eyebrows suddenly went for her hairline. "This can't be right. It's impossible. It goes against, well, everything."
Lt. Ibuki nodded, "I agree, ma'am. But the results don't lie."
"Have these been re-checked?" The blonde enquired.
"Twice."
"What do the MAJI say?"
"Well . . ."
"What?"
"Ma'am, they haven't stopped laughing yet."
". . . say again?"
Maya looked uncomfortable, "We fed the results in and all that's coming out is ream after ream of laughter being printed."
'Mother, you will be the death of me yet' Ritsuko groaned. "Anything else?"
"Just one sentence: Shinji's having an arse-baby!"
----------
LATER, IN MISATO'S OFFICE
"SAY WHAT!"
"According to the tests we have been running the last few days, Shinji is pregnant." Ritsuko repeated simply in a disturbingly natural voice as she sat in Misato's office.
FWUMP
"Humph. She took that better than I expected." She removed a can of Yebisu from Misato's stash in her desk fridge and popped it open under the other woman's nose, waving it from side to side.
"Wakey, wakey, sleepyhead." she teased.
"Go 'way, Kaji. I'm still sore from last night." She mumbled as she came around.
'Yet another insight into their relationship I could have gone my whole life without knowing.' she thought as she helped Misato back into her chair. Grabbing the can and draining it, she started glaring at the other woman again, "This is still your fault, y'know. Jinx monster."
"OH, give it a rest."
Coming back to full consciousness, a question occurred to Misato, "How the hell did you miss this after all those tests you put him through?"
Ritsuko looked sheepish, "Well, we weren't looking for a uterus or ovaries when we gave him a physical, last time. I mean, would you?"
"That's not the point now, is it? It's your job to be on the lookout for anything unusual with the pilots, medically. And he did just get spat out of unit-1's brand new S2 organ, didn't he."
"Look, after a month of late nights and early mornings setting up the procedure that helped bring him back, I wasn't at my best. And since no one else on staff has the clearance to do these things, well, let's just say that a warm bed looked better than reams of test results, okay!" She huffed.
"Fine. Lazy jinx monster."
"WILL YOU LAY OFF THE JINX MONSTER CRAP!" Ritsuko screamed at full volume.
"ABSOLUTELY, AS SOON AS YOU START PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR JOB! IRRISPONSIBLE JINX MONSTER!" Misato screamed back just as loudly.
A full-blown catfight was about to erupt when the Major's phone rang. "WHAT!"
"Uhm, Major, the Commander's looking for Dr. Akagi. Apparently, she owes him a report about Shinji's test results."
Misato gave Ritsuko a particularly nasty grin upon hearing that. "Thanks, Maya. She's here. I'll let her know. Buh-bye."
"Well?" the doctor asked as she put down the phone.
"It seems you owe the Commander a report. Now."
"Crap!"
"Yup!"
She threw her hands up in the air. "Fine. But you have to tell the other pilots, including Shinji."
Misato paled. "Hell no! Asuka and Rei, fine. But Shinji's your responsibility. You got him into this situation, you explain it to him." Seeing her expression, she continued, "Look, what are you worried about. I'm the one that's going to be picking up the pieces for the next nine months."
"Fine. Whatever." she sighed. "I am SO not looking forward to this meeting."
----------
GENDO IKARI'S OFFICE
FWUMP
"Could you . . . explain that again? In greater detail." Fuyutski asked as he knelt down to pick up Gendo's unconscious body from the floor.
"Going over the Pilots medical records in greater detail, it seems that Shinji's time in Unit-1 had left him with a working set of female reproductive organs. And when we inserted him into Unit-0, that EVA took the opportunity to . . . impregnate him."
'I can't believe that I'm having this conversation' was running through all their minds.
"Why . . . hasn't this happened before?" The Commander asked, as he came around. "And how did you miss this, Dr. Akagi?"
"Well, Rei is sterile and Asuka has never been in Unit-0." She shrugged her shoulders. "The situation never came up." A thought crossed her mind. "Although, it would explain why Unit-0 kept going wild and rejecting pilots. It wanted to reproduce, but couldn't." Taking a deep breath to steady her nerves, she continued. "As for why it was missed, well, somebody decided to get frisky the night his son came back!" Gendo coughed as she glared pointedly at him.
Fuyutski nodded as he poured three large drinks from the bar. "So the question becomes; what the hell was Yui thinking?"
'Probably her fucked-up sense of humour shining through. She married that weird bastard and she has been locked up in Unit-1 for over ten years' Ritsuko kept that thought to herself.
"Unknown. Also unknown is what this new situation will do to The Scenario (tm)" Gendo added, slowly getting over his shock.
Fuyutski smirked. "Blows it all to hell, I would think. SEELE is going to have kittens, when they hear about it."
Downing his drink in one gulp, he waved his glass at his old Professor for a refill. "That is one meeting I am not looking forward to."
"Got that right." The vice-commander added, topping up his own glass. "Pity we won't see their faces, though. I'd love to have a camera there when you toss this one in their laps." He chuckled.
----------
ELSEWHERE . . .
The fifteenth, sixteenth and seventeenth Angels were having a similar conversation.
"How did this happen?"
"Unknown. Perhaps Lillith-"
"NO! I refuse to believe that she would stoop to something so . . . unnatural." It squirmed at the thought.
"So, the Third Child, the one whose fate will decide ours, is having an ar-"
"TABRIS!" Given that luminescent globes of sentience have neither ears nor hands, the sixteenth angel still tried to put one to the other. "You are my brother. We are in service together for a cause that is Holy. But I swear, if you let that word pass your lips, by all that is sacred I will smite you where you stand. Are we clear."
"Fine, fine, my lips are sealed." The young, grey-haired boy appeared contrite. "So what happens now?"
"Well . . . considering what happened the last time a virgin birth happened on this planet, I suggest we stay our hand and see what happens." Sensing the shock being projected at him, the Fifteenth Angel continued, "I mean, do we know for sure that this event isn't something that was set in motion by Lillith?"
"Well . . ." The Sixteenth Angel tried hard to come up with an alternative.
"Exactly! Besides, we've waited this long, what's a human lifetime or two in the grand scheme of things?"
"Well, alright. But I still think it's unnatural . . . "
----------
AT THE HOSPITAL THE NEXT DAY . . .
"Jesus, Rits'! What happened to you?" Misato asked, stunned at her friend's dishevelled appearance.
"Wurgh. The Commander had a typical male reaction to the news of an unplanned pregnancy."
"Got drunk?"
"Yup!"
"You're kidding!" The Major was stunned for a moment, then started giggling at the mental image forming in her head. "Oh man, how bad did it get?"
"Well . . . by the time I managed to escape, they were diving in to their third bottle of Scotch."
"Damn. For old farts, they can sure hold their liquor."
"It gets worse. Fuyutski broke out the cigars and started calling the Commander 'grampa Ikari', then began a search on the net for the perfect coffee mug."
"Oh, no way." Misato was in tears by this time, struggling to hold back torrents of laughter.
"Yes way. And please keep it down, would you. I am terribly hung over today." She waited until Misato managed to nod affirmative between giggles. "Thank you. Now, how did it go, telling the other pilots?"
"Well, Asuka took it as well as I thought she would."
"Meaning?"
"She had to be sedated, she laughed so hard."
Ritsuko nodded, as if she had been expecting that. "And Rei?"
"That was the really strange part." Misato frowned. "She just looked . . . disappointed and betrayed. Then she vanished for a while. Asuka was being a pain, so I didn't notice at first. When we finally tracked her down, she was-"
"What?"
"Well . . . she was in Unit-0's cage, giving her EVA a severe dressing down."
/FLASHBACK\\\\\\\\\\
Rei is standing at eye level with Unit-0, leaning forward with one hand on her hip and the other jabbing forcefully at its face. She is not a happy pilot.
"Why did you have to do that to Shinji for? The one boy in this entire city who's willing to look past the surface and like me for who I am, and you go and do that to him. Do you know how hard it is for me to make friends? Do you even care? How am I supposed to become one with him now? He's going to hate me, and its all-your-fault!" She stamped her foot and crossed her arms, as if expecting an answer.
Unit-0 tried to look contrite, and failed miserably.
"BAD EVA! NAUGHTY UNIT-0!"
\\\\\\\\\\END FLASHBACK/
"You're shitting me!"
"Nuh-uh. Do you really think I could make something like that up and expect you to believe me!"
"Ooookay." Her head was starting to throb harder. "So, where are they now?"
"Going to see Shinji. I'm guessing he could stand to see some friendly faces, right about now. Even Asuka's."
Dr. Akagi paled at that.
Misato noticed this. "What's up? You did tell him, didn't you?"
The other woman just stared at her in horror.
" . . . didn't you?"
"Ummmmm" Large sweatdrops were forming.
"Well?" The Major started to boil.
"I um, kinda got, well, delayed in the Commanders office." Ritsuko scratched the back of her neck.
"So, you mean he doesn't-"
"Yeah"
"SHIT!" They both turned and started to run as a long, high scream began to emanate from Shinji's room.
----------
SHINJI'S ROOM, FIVE MINUTES EARLIER
"Hey BAKA! Wake up!" Asuka announced as she burst into the room, followed by a very nervous looking Rei.
"AAAAHH!" Shinji shot straight up in bed. "I'm awake. Breakfast in five minutes." Coming back to reality, he gave Asuka a glare as she laughed her ass off at his reaction. Turning to Rei, he wondered why she seemed to be hiding behind the red terror. Returning his attention to his amused tormentor, he bellowed; "Damnit, Asuka! Not funny. I'm supposed to be resting in here."
She waved her hand dismissively, "Tell it to someone who gives a shit, baka. Now, where do you want these?" She glanced at the bouquet in her hands. "The bridge bunnies all put in for it. Dunno why." She shrugged. "Is it traditional to give something like this for someone who's expecting?"
"Over there, on the table." The last part of her statement penetrated his consciousness.
"Expecting? 'Expecting' who?"
"Not 'who', idiot. What!"
"Huh?"
Asuka rolled her eyes. "No need to be coy, Third Child. We were told yesterday."
Shinji lay back down and turned away from her. "Come back when you start making sense, Asuka."
Realisation started to surface in her mind. "No way! They haven't told you yet?"
Turning back, he frowned. "Told me what, Asuka."
She started to giggle. "I can't believe they haven't said anything. I wonder why?"
Now he started to worry. "What are you going on about?"
'Hot damn, it really pays to get out of bed some days.' She thought gleefully.
Rubbing her hands together at the thought of the news she was about to impart to her poor, confused, fellow pilot, she proclaimed; "Well, I guess we can't have you stumbling along in ignorance. Someone could get hurt. The thing is, Shinji . . . "She leant in to whisper in his ear. "You're pregnant."
He looked at her in surprise, then burst out laughing. "Good one, Asuka! You really had me going there for a moment."
His chuckling subsided as she continued to look at him with an amused expression. "Who's joking?"
"Huh?"
Turning to Rei, the blood drained from his face as she nodded reluctantly in confirmation. "It is true, Pilot Ikari. The MAJI confirmed your condition yesterday."
Seeing as Rei was more likely to tell an untruth than the earth was to start spinning counter-clockwise, Shinji reacted in the only way he knew how.
Cue the screaming.
-----------
Misato and Ritsuko raced in to find Asuka looking on and chortling as the boy wound down from yelling to moaning. Staring daggers at the Second Child, the doctor went to the bedside and tried to calm him down.
"Couldn't help yourself, could you." Misato growled.
"Well, someone had to tell him, and I got to him first." Asuka tried to look like she was just being helpful and failed miserably.
"Rei." She turned to the corner of the room.
The girl in question stepped out from behind the door and took her hands away from her ears. "Yes, Major?"
"How did she break the news to Shinji?"
She searched her memory for an appropriate word. "Bluntly."
"Snitch!" Asuka made as if to move on Rei, but found her path blocked by Misato.
"Behave yourself, or we'll stuff you in Unit-0 next. Just to see if it was an isolated occurrence or not." She threatened with an evil smirk.
Asuka was horrified at that. "You wouldn't dare!"
"Try me." The Major held her eye until she backed down.
"FINE! Screw the baka, and his arsebaby. I'm going home!" She huffed and stormed out of the room.
"Little bitch." Going to the bed, she enquired, "Is he going to be okay?"
Shinji looked up and clutched her sleeve, pleading, "She was joking, right? I mean, what Asuka said. Just like the time she put sherbet into my entry plug. Remember? She told me the bridge crew had screwed up and that they had piped in acid when it started fizzing." He started working up to 'hysterical' mode again.
"Shinji, this is to put you to sleep." Dr. Akagi pressed a needle into the boys arm. "We'll try this again, tomorrow."
His eyelids drooped slowly as he fell under the effects of the sedative.
All three women let out a deep breath after he was out cold.
"Christ, what a balls-up this is turning into!" Misato put a hand on her forehead. "Rits'. Tell the staff to deny the Second Child access to Shinji until further notice, then go home and sleep off that hangover. That's an order."
The doctor bristled at being given an order by her friend, but she wasn't sober enough to put up a fight. As she went out the door, she thought she heard Misato mumble something about 'slow-arsed, intoxicated jinx-monsters', but was still too intoxicated to make a fuss about it.
"Rei?"
"Yes, Major?"
"You can stay here if you want. Or go. It's up to you."
Rei nodded.
"But I would like you to be here tomorrow. Shinji is going to need all the friends he can get to deal with this."
"Very well. I shall return tomorrow. What time shall I arrive?"
Misato thought for a moment. "About ten in the morning will be fine."
"Hai. Ten o'clock." Giving one last look at the inert boy on the bed, she left the room.
"Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for you, hey kid!" Leaning in, Misato gave Shinji a light kiss on his forehead. "Hopefully, tomorrow will go smoother. See ya."
After she left the room, NERV's answer to Austin Powers emerged from his hiding place and looked at the highly sedated form on the bed. Shaking his head with amusement and pity, Ryoji Kaji turned off his tape recorder and headed for the door. 'SEELE is going to pitch a fit when they hear about this.' A check to see if the coast was clear and he was gone. 'At least with all the confusion this situation will create, I'll be able to continue my own side-project with less interference than usual!' Shaking off the small pang of guilt at using Shinji's 'condition' to hide his own investigation towards the truth, he headed back to his apartment to make a report.
----------
SHINJI'S ROOM. AGAIN. NEXT MORNING.
Shinji rose to consciousness slowly. Rubbing his hand across his face, he tried to recall the reason he was in here. This time.
Other than a few weird dreams, he drew a blank.
"Damn, that was a rough night's sleep. I wonder if I passed out during the test? And why is the word 'Arsebaby' bouncing around my brain?"
Finding no answers in the roof tiles, he rolled over and waited for someone to come and explain things.
Shortly, a familiar looking nurse entered the room. "Good morning, Pilot Ikari. How are you feeling today?"
"Okay, I suppose. Did something happen to me yesterday? My memory's a bit fuzzy."
"Ummm, I'm not supposed to say." She went a little pink, thinking about the rumours floating around about his 'condition'. "Dr. Akagi will be along to explain your situation soon."
"Right." The first stirrings of panic began to weave across his stomach. 'Oh shit, something went wrong again.'
Glad that the patient seemed to be willing to wait until the doctor arrives, she continued with the task she came in for. "Now, could I get you to swallow these pills, please?" She handed him some pills and a glass of water.
Looking at them with apprehension, he swallowed them nonetheless.
"Good. Now, I'll be back to check on you in a few hours. Dr. Akagi, the Major and Miss Ayanami will be here soon, so just be patient." Giggling at her own wit, she left the room.
Shinji sat up on the bed and tried some deep breathing to calm himself as he waited for some answers. Surprisingly enough, he did begin to unwind and mellow out. Soon, he was rocking from side to side slowly, looking about the room and blinking about once a minute. With his mind wrapped in cotton wool and his body somewhere very far away, Shinji was feeling no pain. Or angst. Or anything, really!
(Cue music: Lucy in the skyyyyy, with diamonds!)
So when Asuka snuck in a little while later, it was quite by accident that he was in the perfect mood to cope with her attempts to work him up into a state of hysteria. Again.
She began by telling him in a descriptive manner just how he was going to give birth when he didn't have the appropriate equipment. When he showed no reaction to that, she continued by loudly guessing at the level of pain he would experience, passing something the size of a baby out of his colon. Getting frustrated at his lack of response, she persevered, acting out the birth with a grotesque pantomime at the foot of the bed, complete with facial expressions and straining motions. Finally, she realised something was wrong with him. He watched with a blank expression as her finger came closer to his forehead. As it connected, she gave him a strong nudge and swore as he dropped back onto the bed like a felled tree. Realising that he would be of absolutely no entertainment value in his current condition whatsoever, Asuka gave up and decided she would sneak back in when he was off whatever medication they had him on. Shinji watched as she walked out of the room, looked up the hall and suddenly ran fast in the opposite direction, closely followed by two hospital orderlies in hot pursuit.
----------
"Damnit! I thought I told you to bar her from Shinji's room, Ritsuko!" His guardian's shout came from the hallway.
"I did, Major! But you know how tenacious she can be, especially when she gets it into her mind to do something." The Doctor replied, defensively.
"Whatever!" Misato entered the room, expecting to find a traumatised Pilot. What she did find, however, freaked her out even more.
Shinji was just calmly staring at the roof, blinking slowly.
The doctor ploughed into Misato's back. "What! Why are you stopping in the doorway?" Looking past her to the bed, she too stopped and stared. 'Uh-oh!'
Rei waited patiently in the hall for the entrance to the room to clear. "Is Ikari alright?"
"Umm, let me get back to you on that one, Rei." Misato answered.
Dr. Akagi went over to his side and checked his vitals.
"Well, did Asuka put him back into shock, or what?"
Looking at his chart next, she uttered a short curse at what she found there. "No. Quite the opposite."
"Care to explain that, Doctor Akagi!"
Turning to face her friend, she began sheepishly, "It seems that Shinji may have been . . . over-medicated this morning."
"What?" Misato hissed.
The doctor shrugged apologetically. "Perhaps a mix up in the prescription? Maybe someone misread my notes? Who knows?"
"Indeed." Venom dripped from the word.
Seeing that her best friend since high school was about ready to draw her side arm and let some daylight through her skull, Ritsuko set about reassuring her. "He's alright! Honestly! As soon as the drugs wash through his system in about-" She looked at her watch quickly, "- six to ten hours, he'll be back to normal. Promise!"
She let out the breath she had been holding as Misato's hand moved away from her gun. "And until then?"
"Put it this way: Until the drugs wear off, he's going to make Rei seem normal."
Rei's ears perked up at this threat to her long held 'Most Emotionally Distant Anime Character' title. She quietly resolved to monitor any medication Shinji may receive in the future.
"Oh, for Gods sake!" Misato threw her hands up in the air. Thinking for a moment, she turned and glared at her friend. "Well, since it's bloody useless to say anything to him today, we'll come back tomorrow and try again. Same time." She clarified for Rei's benefit. The young girl nodded in understanding. "And you, Doctor Akagi-" She tapped her on the chest with a sharp fingernail. "-will personally see to it that Shinji is only given a mild sedative, tomorrow. He's going to need it!" Another thought presented itself to her. "While I am going to post a Section-2 Agent to guard the door. That aught to keep her out!"
'Yeah, right!' Ritsuko snorted.
Going over and running her hand through Shinji's hair briefly, Misato then left the room. As she passed Ritsuko, she muttered 'professional drug-pushing jinx monster' under her breath. The doctor heard this but said nothing, remembering that her friend was still armed and dangerous. She also left, to go and have a quiet chat with whoever was in charge of dispensing the medication.
Rei looked confused as to what to do now. No one had ordered her to stay or go. So, with a slight shrug, she chose to sit beside the bed and watch Shinji as he dozed in a heavily medicated slumber.
Every now and again, it would occur to her that he was becoming quite handsome, as he got older.
And she would blush and smile, slightly, at the thought.
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SHINJI'S ROOM: THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!
It began almost the same way as the day before.
The same nurse came in, followed by Dr. Akagi this time.
He swallowed his medication with a cup of water. (Only one pill.)
They waited for a short time, filling in the silence by telling him that as soon as the others arrived they would let him know just what had happened to him the other day.
Satisfied with his reaction, they left.
Shinji continued to watch the doorway after they walked out, waiting. Shortly, Pen-Pen waddled past the door. He gave the Section-2 agent guarding the door a quick nod, glanced in and waved briefly to the boy, then continued on his way. A very confused agent followed the hot water penguin down the hallway and away from his assigned duty. Later, as Misato chewed his ass off for dereliction of said duty, his only defence would be 'simple curiosity'. I mean, how often do you see a penguin in a hospital?
When the coast was clear, Asuka entered. "Well? Are you doped to the gills, again, baka-boy?"
Shinji looked at her, blinking slowly.
She slapped her forehead. "Shiest! Wasted a perfectly good decoy idea!" Waving her hand in front of his face a few times to check he wasn't faking, she swore again and made her way out of the room in disgust.
Shinji waited until he couldn't hear her anymore, then took a deep breath. Blinking quickly a few times to get the moisture back in his eyes, he laughed quietly to himself. "Heh! Have to remember that one."
Pleased with himself at having outwitted The Mighty Asuka Langley Sohryu, Shinji settled back onto the bed to wait for the Major and Rei.
Rei arrived promptly at ten o'clock. "Good morning, Pilot Ikari. Are you feeling well today?"
Shinji was stunned. "Um, fine Rei. Are you okay?"
"I am healthy. Why do you ask?"
"Well . . . "The boy was at a loss for words.
Rei waited patiently for him to find his tongue.
Finding no way to say it nicely, he just said it. "You're talking in sentences! Your initiating conversation! You're being polite and asking for information!"
"Oh!" She blushed. "I have noticed in the past that my demeanour has an unsettling effect on others. Moreover, since it was my Evangelion that is responsible for your condition, I am making an effort to ensure that I do not cause you any more emotional distress. I apologise if I have upset you."
Shinji was touched. "That's alright. Thankyou for your thoughtfulness. No need to apologise. I appreciate it, really!" He quickly reassured her.
The corners of her mouth turned upwards with relief.
"Hang on!" Shinji frowned as he made a connection. "Condition?"
"Yes. Your pregnancy." Rei looked confused. "Do you remember?"
Memories from the last two days began slamming into place. His eyes went wide and it was only the sedative he had been given earlier that kept him from starting to screech again.
Misato and Ritsuko chose that moment to enter the room.
"It's true, isn't it?" Shinji whispered with horror as he turned to them. "That actually happened! All of it! It wasn't just a bad dream!" He put his head in his hands and began to moan.
Misato sat on the bed and put her arms around him, whispering reassurances and cooing softly. Ritsuko went over to Rei, who had a helpless expression on her face. "I thought he remembered?" She offered plaintively. The older woman shook her head.
"He's either been unconscious, in shock or medicated, since it happened." She sighed. "Today's the day he faces it, for the first time."
With that, they both went to join Misato on the bed in trying to comfort Shinji through what will very possibly be the strangest experience he would ever have.
And that's saying a lot, considering that this boy's day job is to pilot a forty-foot tall, biomechanical war machine to protect all humanity!
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NOTES: Well, there it is. Chapter 1, in all it's horrible glory. My intent is to chart the full nine months of Shinji's pregnancy in as much disturbing yet amusing detail as I can manage. Just don't hold your breath for quick updates. Funny ain't easy. So, if you like it, tell me!
P.S. I don't own Austin Powers, either. (Just in case lawyers are lurking!)
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