Shinji's WHAT!
By: Tezza1502
Rating: MA+ (For swearing, vomiting, nasty pranks, gratuitous use of a 'Taser'and a small but highly toxic piece of kawaii)
Disclaimer: I still don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. And I'm still laying the blame for this at the feet of my girlfriend! I am completely innocent! Go put someone else up against the wall!
Notes: Well, you sick puppies really enjoyed the first chapter, didn't you! Don't try to deny it! I've read the reviews and heard the laughter. And to that poor bugger I apparently put in hospital, stay there! I aim to line up a few more beside you in the ward this time round. So get comfortable, find out which nurses give the best sponge baths, and pass the info along to your new neighbours. On a more self-flagellating note, some eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that your Uncle Tezza forgot to preview the bloody chapter. This is something I do from time to time when I get too excited about posting something new. The damn percentage symbols didn't make the cut, during the synchronisation scene. While not as big a mistake as miss-spelling MAGI, it still gives me the shits. Anyway, here we go.
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FIRST TRIMESTER
"Asuka!"
"What?"
"Kaji and I are going to pick up Shinji from the hospital, today. We should be back in a few hours. Behave yourself! No pulling any weird crap while we are gone. Understand?"
"Fine! What-ever!"
"I mean it. I come back here and find you've turned the doorway into a giant sphincter, or something, and your in deep shit. Got it!"
"Yes, Misato!"
Not wanting to be late in picking up Shinji from the hospital, Misato let it go with a glare in Asuka's direction. She bounded down the stairs towards the waiting Ryoji Kaji, who immediately enquired if they had time for a quickie on the way, since there had been no horizontal action on the mattress front since immediately after Shinji came back from thirty-one wonderful days in Unit-1. "A man has needs, you know."
Misato replied by nailing him in the happy sacks.
"What was that for?" He squeaked out from his position, curled around her feet.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have misheard. I thought you said you wanted to be kneed." She replied sweetly, hurling him none to gently into the back seat.
"Right! Perfectly understandable mistake." He moaned weakly as she took off at light speed for the hospital. Too late, he remembered that you don't try to fuck with Misato, in any way, when she is on a mission.
Asuka watched all this from the balcony outside the door. Waiting until the car was out of sight, she walked back in the unit to her room. There, she stood in the doorway, looking from a large box to the phone and back. Pondering.
'What to do first?'
At the hospital
A blue blur came streaking into the car park, sending hospital regulars flying for cover. Over the past two weeks, this particular hazard to human health had become very well known. After that incident with the bicycle and the stirrups in the emergency room entrance, it had become policy to have a trauma surgeon on standby whenever Misato came to visit Shinji.
Executing a 180degree handbrake turn with a roll, the car came to rest in between two ambulances next to the entrance. 'Perfect! Damn, I'm good!'
As an orderly on the second floor sounded the 'all clear, car is stationary' siren, Misato got out and went inside. Returning shortly, she threw a bag of ice in the back seat. "There you go. Stop your whinging!"
Kaji weakly bleated his eternal gratitude after her as she entered the building again.
Dr. Akagi's office
"Hows it goin', Rits'." Misato asked brightly.
Ritsuko looked up from her paperwork. "It goes well, thank you. Where's Kaji? I thought he was coming as well?"
"He's in the car, nursing a bruise." She grinned evilly.
The doctor shook her head. "No, I really don't think I want to know." She stood and made her way around the desk. "Ready?"
"I've been ready for two weeks!" Misato stood aside to let Ritsuko out of the room. "I can't believe the MAGI kept malfunctioning so badly that you couldn't run any test results through them! What was wrong with them?"
"Logic error." She said, sheepishly. "They had trouble accepting that a man could become pregnant."
Misato snorted. "Didn't you show them the results? All the proof, step by step?"
"Yes, we did!" Ritsuko retorted, angrily.
"So? How did you fix it?"
"Trade secret."
/FLASHBACK\\
Dr. Akagi marched onto the main command deck, lit cigarette firmly clenched in her mouth. She looked kinda pissed off. In the same way that a volcano 'kinda' erupts. "MAYA! Any luck?"
Lt. Ibuki controlled her natural instinct to run and hide like a small furry mammal, and faced her tormentor. Er, superior officer. "No, ma'am."
'Right, that's it! No more playing nice, mom. Time for some hardball!' She got the bridge crews attention and raised her voice. "EVERYONE! Off the command deck. NOW!"
The other command deck officers looked a bit stunned at the unorthodox order, but one look at her face told them it would not be wise to argue.
Lt. Ibuki gave a nervous laugh. "Ma'am? What are you going to do?"
'Take a fucking sledgehammer to these bastard things!' Ritsuko thought, wistfully. 'Damnit, mom, do you know how much trouble you're putting me through?'
"It's alright, Maya. I just have an idea that I need a little privacy to try out. That's all. Go on."
"Yes, ma'am." Maya answered, doubtfully.
When the last of the personnel had exited the room, Ritsuko instituted a top-level lockout. Making sure that the room was secure, she turned and walked over to Maya's work station. Accessing the MAGI, she began typing.
"Right. Balthazar. Caspar. Melchior. Here's the deal. You three stop jerking us around. Or I will get nasty."
No answer.
"Yes, it's ridiculous that two of the EVA's would apparently conspire to get a pilot pregnant."
Still no answer.
"Yes, I know it sounds like the plot for a bad slash fanfic."
Nada.
"And yes, I know it's bloody hilarious that it's happened to Shinji, the perpetual victim."
Zip.
"But, it has happened. I need those test results and your computing power to work out why and to help him get through this. And to keep Misato off my back." She added as a hopeful afterthought. "So, what do you say? As a favour to me?"
Zilch.
"Fine! Hardball it is, then!" Ritsuko typed some commands in. "Last chance. Here's the deal. You go back to work and no more funny business, or I put a parental lock on your internet access." She let that sink in. "Permanently." Her finger hovered over a particular key.
A small shiver ran through one of the red computer stacks behind her.
"And it will be keyed in such a way, that only I can unlock it."
All three stacks were vibrating.
"No more downloading gay porn images. No more 'Spander' and 'Snarry' Slash!"
They were positively shaking by now.
"No more hacking into every 'Playboy Sims' game you can find and drowning all the 'Bunnies' in the spa!"
All three stacks fell silent. You could almost see the high speed conversation going on between them. Finally, a screen lit up with their reply.
FINE, YOU WIN. BITCH!
Ritsuko smiled and lit another cigarette. "There, that wasn't so hard now, was it?"
ABOUT AS HARD AS IT WAS FOR GENDO TO GET INTO YOUR PANTIES!
"Humph! Sore loser!"
\\END FLASHBACK/
"So no more delays, thank God! Can I get him home now?" Misato asked as they walked towards a nursing station.
"Just got a few more bits of paperwork to sign and he's all yours." Ritsuko replied, slipping a hand into her pocket.
"What! You said you'd have all that done by the time I got here." She glared. "Unorganised Jinx Mons-URK!" Misato slumped to the floor halfway through her snide remark, twitching weakly and a surprised look on her face.
"Heh! Been waiting all week to try that out on you." Ritsuko smirked as she gave her new 'Taser' a quick kiss, before putting it back in her pocket. Crouching down, she patted her friend on the head. "You just stay there for a while and relax. Don't worry, the effects aren't long lasting. I'll be back for you when I'm done." Misato's eyes rolled furiously in their sockets as she tried to force some mighty rough language passed her clenched teeth in the doctor's direction. "Buh-bye!" Ritsuko straightened up and walked off, whistling a jaunty tune. 'I'm just know I'm gonna burn for that one, later! But damn, did it feel good!'
About half an hour later
Ritsuko gathered up the finished paperwork and headed out the door. Reaching it, she saw Misato in a wheelchair being pushed by a limping Kaji heading her way. "Good timing! I was just coming to get you."
Giving her friend the stare of death, Misato stopped short of saying anything out loud as she saw that Ritsuko was fiddling with something in her pocket. "Are you done! Can I take Shinji home now!"
"Sure." She smirked. "He's all yours. Just remember to bring him back for a check up in a week, and we've scheduled a synchronisation test at NERV in a few weeks."
"WHAT!" Misato was horrified.
"Oh, don't worry. This is just to see if being pregnant will affect his synch ratio. He won't be put back on the active duty roster until well after he's given birth." Ritsuko reasoned.
Misato wasn't happy, but once again reluctantly agreed to the necessity of testing the third Child in an EVA.
Getting out of the wheelchair, she limped along after Ritsuko towards Shinji's room, with Kaji following slowly up the rear. 'And nice rears they are, too.' He drooled contentidly.
Commander Ikari's office. The bastard is- IN.
"Well, Doctor?"
"The Major left the hospital an hour ago with the Third Child in her care. They are returning to her unit now." She tried to keep from staring too blatantly at the coffee mug on the Commanders desk. It was blood red, with the words 'WORLDS MOST EVIL GRAMPA' written in black across it. 'So THAT'S what Fuyutski was ordering on the net, that night. How apt!' She reluctantly turned her attention back to the Bastard, oops, Commander behind the desk.
"Very well. Keep me informed." Gendo dismissed her from his presence. Waiting until she had left the room, he turned to Fuyutski and inquired if SEELE was still waiting for him.
"Yes, and they are quite insistent about having a meeting now. I think they know."
Gendo smirked. "Yes, I am sure that Ryoji Kaji has informed them of this unexpected development by now. Let's get it over with."
Sealing the office from the outside world, a circle of light surrounded Gendo and Fuyutski as the holographic conferencing system came on line. Black monoliths with red numbers formed a circle around the two men. Curiously, the monoliths were all of a 1:4:9 ratio.
SEELE 02: "We are hearing strange rumors from inside NERV, Commander Ikari."
SEELE 07: "The proper order of events is being deviated from."
SEELE 04:"We placed you at NERV to ensure that such things did not occur."
SEELE 11: "You are failing your assigned task, Commander."
"While I agree that this . . . situation is unexpected, your senario is still being fulfilled. There have been no significant deviations."
SEELE 02-12: "WHAT!"
SEELE 07: "ARE YOU TRYING TO BE HUMOROUS?"
"I am being quite serious."
SEELE 01: "THERE ARE NO FUCKING ARSEBABIES IN THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS, IKARI!"
"Are you sure?"
SEELE 06: "Explain!"
"'And after the time of mankind's culling, there will be a child. This child, not born of woman and touched by the hand of the divine, will bring about the destiny of humanity. All shall be united with one spirit and one will, moving past the sins of man and toward a future with no boundaries. A child unlike any other.' You see, as ridiculous as this situation is for all involved, there may be a remote chance that the child growing in the pilot of Unit-1 could be the one foretold by the Dead Sea Scrolls, after all."
SEELE 12: "How convenient for you and the pilot."
SEELE 01: "This will bear serious consideration."
"Indeed."
SEELE 05: "Do nothing."
SEELE 10: "Ensure the Childs safety."
"I shall leave the pilot on the inactive roster. Other than routine testing, he will not be allowed to sortie."
SEELE 08: "Very well."
SEELE 09: "We will contact you when we have reviewed the implications and made our decision."
SEELE 03: "And remember, we are watching, Ikari."
All the monoliths faded, except for one.
SEELE 01: "One more thing, Ikari: Nice coffee mug!"
With that, the room fell to darkness.
'Always have to have the last word, don't you Keel!' The Commander thought to himself. 'Smart-arse!'
"I'm surprised that you're going to allow the child to come to term, Gendo. Won't this interfere with your own plans?" Fuyutski commented.
The Commander gave his old Professor a speculative look. "I was considering it. Rei was created with the verse I quoted to SEELE in mind, as you well know." He sighed, annoyed. "Unfortunately, this situation also fits with what's in the Scrolls. Plus, this was set in motion by Yui, ultimately. We both know, all to well, that it is not wise to get in her way when she sets her mind towards something."
Both men shuddered at the memories of what she had done to them, at different times, when they tried to cross her.
Shaking away the cold sweat that had formed suddenly on the back of his neck, Gendo stood up. "Anyway, it is out of our hands for now. We will sit back and watch how events unfold."
Misato's Apartment
Shinji walked slowly to the front entrance of the unit beside Kaji, watching as Misato walked in front of them. He was wondering why she was so unsteady on her feet. And why she twitched every now and again. 'I know she hasn't had a drink, today. And anyway, she never staggers, even when she's replaced most of her bodily fluids with alcohol.' He was also confused as to why Kaji was limping. When he asked, all Kaji had said was that his timing was off. Pushing it from his thoughts, he hoped Asuka was in a better frame of mind. After she was caught trying to absail down the side of the hospital to break into his room with a can of brown-coloured spray-paint in each hand, Misato had had enough. Fulfilling the threat she had made earlier, Section-2 had tied Asuka up and thrown her into the entry plug of Unit-0. Dr. Akagi was five seconds away from initiating the start-up sequence when Asuka had finally caved in and promised no more attempts on Shinji's sanity while he was in hospital.
As they opened the door to the unit, a cry of "WELCOME BACK, SHINJI!" Was heard. Unfortunately, it had been a long day already and Misato's nerves were already well and truly shot by now. Acting on instinct, she pulled her gun and began firing wildly into the hallway. Luckily, her muscles were still jelly-like after the 'Taser' incident, and all the bullets went into the roof or floor. When she had calmed herself down and assessed the situation, Misato peeked in and apologised, explaining that she hadn't been expecting anyone other than Asuka to be in the unit. Shinji nudged her out of the way and entered to find Touji, Kensuke, Hikari, Rei and Asuka picking themselves up off the floor. Noticing that the door to his room was ajar, he was about to ask who had been in there, when Pen-Pen came flying out. Literally. Tearing through the living room at top speed, the warm water penguin made a bee-line for his fridge. Slamming the door shut, the sound of many deadbolts could be heard sliding into place.
'That was weird. I wonder what's got him spooked?' Shinji thought as he began saying hello to his friends. "What are you guys doing here?"
Touji answered. "We all got a call from the Red Terror half an hour ago, saying that you were getting out of hospital today. After a quick phone around to make sure it wasn't some strange prank, we all came over."
Kensuke asked what had happened that had kept him out of touch for over six weeks.
Shinji looked at Misato for guidance. Finishing off her second beer, she told them that he had been injured seriously in an Angel fight, and that the details were classified. As his friends grumbled, he walked past them towards his room, looking to get changed and freshened up. He didn't notice the smirk on Asuka's face. 'This is gonna be good!' She thought as he opened his door and froze.
The first thing he noticed were the streamers. They were everywhere. Stuck to the roof, over the window, hanging off his desk, covering the bed. Only two colours: blood red and faecal brown. Next was the large basinet in the middle of the bed. It was filled with things that Asuka's demented mind thought he might need over the next few months. Adult diapers, suppositories, anti-nausea pills, tubes of Preparation-H cream, a hot-water bottle, and other such. Sitting on his pillow was a 'Mr. Hankey' the Christmas poo) doll. What set his blood boiling though, was the large banner strung up over it all. In large letters, the banner read: CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR HAVING AN ARSEBABY!
"ASUKAAAAAA!"
"What?"
When things have calmed down a bit . . .
Shinji was busy in his room, ripping out and shredding everything he could get his hands on. Misato, wisely, decided to let him vent his anger on those inanimate objects instead of, say, her! Asuka found herself tied to a chair in the living room facing the corner with a gag wedged firmly in her mouth. Wisely, no-one had said anything when Misato had come out of her room with it. Or about the wistful expression on Kaji's face when he spotted it in her hand. Touji, Kensuke and Hikari were sitting on the couch listening to Misato explain the situation as Rei stood off to one side, keeping an eye on Shinji's rampage.
"And that's where we are right now. Any questions?" Misato concluded.
Hikari's freckles were standing out clearly, she was so pale. Touji was clutching his bum firmly with both hands and turning a sickly shade of green. Kensuke was sucking his thumb and mumbling "I don't want to be an EVA pilot!" over and over.
"That went well, don't you think?" Kaji said as another inarticulate scream came from Shinji's room, followed closely by the sound of something being stomped into little pieces. Unnoticed by all, Rei slipped quietly into Shinji's room as Misato rubbed her knuckles against her temples while she thought furiously. Suddenly, an idea struck her. She turned to Kaji and amped up the charm.
"Kaji, darling. I don't suppose you would consider taking Asuka in for a few days? Just until Shinji calms down."
Kaji went dead white at the thought of having to fend off Asuka for an uncertain length of time. "A-ha-ha. Sorry darling, duty calls! I'm going to be out of town for a few . . . for a while!" He said vaguely as Asuka began to jump up and down while moving the chair awkwardly in his direction at the thought of spending time with him. In his apartment. Alone. "In fact, I have to start packing now! Bye!" He yelled over his shoulder as he ran for the hills. 'Misato's fantastic in the sack, but there are some things that just can not be endured for any price. And that red-headed Lolita is one of them!' He thought to himself as he made plans to get out of the city, no, the country. Just to be on the safe side. 'I hear Sydney is warm this time of year.'
Seeing her boyfriends back retreating into the distance at high speed, Misato sighed and tried to think of something else. Damnit, she's the NERV Tactical Officer, isn't she? Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Hikari beginning to slump over. 'Perfect!'
"Hikari?" Misato shook her gently as the girl came out of her faint. "Hikari, sweetie! Big favour to ask. Would you mind having Asuka over for a couple of nights? Just until everybody calms down here."
"Huh? What? Oh, sure." She answered groggily. Misato squealed with delight.
"Great! I'll pack her things." She sprung up and into Asuka's room, returning quickly with a large packed case. Untieing the Second Child, Misato told her the plan and how she wasn't to return until asked. While she would rather have stayed with (SIGH) Kaji, Hikari was a good second option. Dragging the still dazed class-rep out by the hand and making plans for all the fun they were going to have, Asuka left the apartment quickly. The boys made weak excuses and left soon after to go home and have a wash, just in case Shinji's condition was contagious. Finally noticing how quiet the apartment was, Misato looked into Shinji's room and found him asleep on the bed with Rei slowly stroking his hair. Deciding out loud that as long as his new temper was being kept dormant by her presence Rei could stay as long as she wanted to, Misato went back to the kitchen and knocked back the rest of the six-pack that had been calling out her name since she walked in the door. Noting that the coast was clear, Pen-Pen joined her soon after.
Things began to settle down over the next few weeks. With Asuka gone, both Shinji and Misato got used to the sound of silence again for the first time in a long while. It was decided that he could forgo school until after the birth, seeing as someone had spread the news of his condition around over the weekend. Especially after the nightmare that was his first day back. Between the snide comments from the guys and all the girls coming up to rub his stomach he lost it again and blackened a few eyes before storming home. Although he had his suspicions, he never figured out which one of his 'friends' let the cat out of the bag. Whoever it was, it kind of backfired, because he was now staying at home all day. When his classmates would bring around his homework, he would be stretched out on the sofa, watching soaps or practicing the cello.
Rei actually spent three nights at Misato's without anyone noticing. They both thought she was just leaving late after dinner and arriving early before school to spend time with Shinji. The Major put a stop to it when she finally twigged, but kept Rei's phone number on speed-dial. The girl had a definite knack for keeping Shinji calm.
Hikari, realising the dirty trick Misato had pulled on her, stopped being civil and actually began snarling at the Major when she would phone up to see how Asuka was behaving while she was a guest at the Hokari residence.
And then there was Pen-Pen.
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Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu residence. The morning of Shinji's synch test.
"Shinji! Hurry up! Rits' will kick my ass if we're late!" Misato shouted from her room as she dressed for a day of testing at NERV. Exiting, she found the Third Child preparing a meal for Pen-Pen. "Huh? Where is he? Usually he's pecking at your leg for you to hurry up!" She pondered aloud.
Shinji frowned. "Apparently, he's figured out that we are going to be getting another addition to our happy family, and that it's going to be smaller and cuter than him." He put the bowl down next to the small fridge and backed away towards the front door. "Since it's coming out of me, it must be my fault. So he won't be in the same room as me anymore." Waving Misato over, he picked up a small bell and rang it a few times.
"So, what's all this song and dance about?" She asked, confused at his actions. Pointing a thumb over his shoulder as he left the unit, she looked back into the kitchen to see Pen-Pen cautiously exiting his fridge at the sound of the bell. Making sure that Shinji was not anywhere within sight, he stepped over to the bowl and begin to eat.
Misato was in the car before she spoke again. "You're kidding?" Shinji shook his head. "You have to leave the room before he will eat his food." Shinji nodded. Misato groaned. 'A boy I consider my son is pregnant and my pet penguin is sulking about it! It's official; I am living in The Twilight Zone.' She began to gently head-butt the steering wheel.
NERV. Commander Ikari's office.
Vice-Commander Fuyutski was surprised to see someone coming out of the Commanders office in one piece and without the usual tell-tale look of fear on his face. As he got closer, he was more surprised to find that it was a civilian. Looking at the man's shirt, he noticed a postal delivery logo. (Tezza-Ex: We can get ANYWHERE!) The man tipped his cap as he walked by and headed for the elevator.
Shaking his own head in confusion, Fuyutski entered the office of the worlds most evil grandfather-to-be, Gendo Ikari.
"What was that all about?" He asked as he closed the door.
Gendo looked up from the package on his desk. "Apparently I am receiving another 'gift' from you."
'Shit! Don't remember what this one is. Should have kept the receipts.' Skipped through his mind as Gendo gave him a glare that could cut an A.T. Field. "Well, are you going to open it?"
Gendo kept up the glare as he reached into his desk and pulled out a knife. Fuyutski gulped. It was a big knife.
Gendo stood up and came around the desk, knife in hand. It was a really big knife.
Gendo stopped in front of him, scratching his chin absently with the knife. Fuyutski gulped. It was a really, really, BIG sharp nasty-looking knife.
"I suppose I had better." Gendo turned and began cutting away the packaging. "Wouldn't want to keep you in suspense now, would I." 'That should make the old fart think twice about pulling another stunt like this.' He thought to himself as Fuyutski let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding.
Opening the box, Gendo's eyes went wide at the contents. Reaching in, he picked up something with just his thumb and forefinger. "Would you care to explain this, Fuyutski?" He growled and threw something at the other man. Fuyutski caught it and held it up. It was a bonnet. A purple bonnet. With a green horn sticking out the front, like a unicorns.
'I wonder how far I would get if I started running, right now?' He said to himself as he started to regain a vague memory of what else was in the box. "Umm . . . A baby's bonnet?"
"Yes, it is." Gendo was pulling something else out now, with the same level of distaste he had shown the bonnet. Wearing a ten lemon grimace, he unfolded it. "It seems to match this." The look in his eye said he was regretting his decision to stop at just frightening Fuyutski with the knife. Giving the item one last shake, he held it up.
It was a romper suit. You know, one of those things you put on babies to keep them warm. Only, this one was an exact scale replica of Unit-1. Right down to the purple colour, green trim and shoulder pads. Plus matching bonnet with horn. And if that wasn't stomach-churning enough, what wound it up to vomit-inducing levels was the writing on it. On the front was 'GRAMPA'S LITTLE ANGEL'. Stencilled across the back was 'UNIT-½'.
Fuyutski mentally tried to create a spontaneous Dirac sea under his feet. Nothing too fancy. Nothing EVA size. Just enough to swallow a human whole. Even a very small quantum singularity would have done, in a pinch. Anything to get him out of that room and as far away from retribution at the hands of his former student as possible.
"There will be consequences, Fuyutski."
Sadly, he realised that being sucked into another dimension wouldn't save him from Gendo's eventual payback.
The EVA cages.
Shinji sat in Unit-1's entry plug looking very apprehensive. Closing his eyes, he braced himself for the start up procedure. Normally, listening to the bridge bunnies talking softly amongst each other as they went about their tasks was comforting, reminding him that he was not alone. Today, he just hoped that they didn't fuck anything up. Not helping matters was the fact that he was really noticing that the LCL tasted a lot like blood. He swallowed a rather wet hiccup as his stomach did a slow forward roll. A window opened to his right, revealing one of the lieutenants.
"Okay, Shinji. Nothing to worry about. Here we go." Aoba told him.
He growled at that. "What's this 'we' business? I don't see you in a plug suit with a bun in the oven."
Aoba gave a nervous laugh.
"Oh, just hurry up! I wanna go home and lie down." Shinji complained as he disconnected the link.
Everyone on the bridge looked at each other, then at Misato. She shrugged helplessly.
"He's a bit more temperamental, these days. Fluctuating hormones, so Rit's tells me." She turned and waved at the good doctor sitting in a corner of the bridge. Said doctor was busy glaring and cursing underneath the layers of silver masking tape that covered her from head to toe and bound her to her chair.
Misato wasn't taking any chances, this time.
Shuddering at the thought of someone who could tear Angels apart with his bare hands getting hormonal, the bunnies focused on continuing their preparations.
"Unit-0 and 2 are fully synched and within standard operating parameters. Taking up position by Unit-1."
Misato nodded. "Asuka. Rei. Shinji is about to synch with Unit-1. Be ready."
"Yes, Major." Came Rei's quiet reply. Only someone who knew her really well would have picked up on the faint undercurrent of worry in her voice. Of the two who could say that, one was currently trying to keep his lunch down while the other didn't give a rats-arse, as long as she did her job.
"Yeah, yeah! Get it over with, already." Asuka's attitude was in agreement with the commanders. Who gives a shit, as long as he could do his job and it didn't inconvenience her in the slightest.
"Alright." Misato re-opened the link to Shinji. "Here you go kiddo."
The plug swirled with the now familiar colours before settling down into a view of the EVA cages without a hitch. The bridge crew let out a collective breath. Opening a window to the bridge, Shinji commented dryly. "'Nothing to worry about', huh! Assholes."
Ignoring the sarcasm, they double checked their readings.
"No mental contamination. Everything's clear."
Maya's eyes widened for a moment at the screen in front of her. "Ma'am? Shinji's synch ratio is holding steady at 91 percent!"
Dr. Akagi, removing the last of the masking tape that Misato had tied her to her chair with, threw a large wad of it at the Major as she passed her. "You could have just asked me to keep quiet, you know." She spat.
Misato deftly caught the missile before it reached her head. "I know. But it was more fun this way." She grinned, rolling the Taser she had liberated from Ritsuko around in her hands. A low moan from the main screen stopped any more sniping between the two.
"Um, Misato? Is this going to take long to get the readings you guys want? 'Cause I'm about to start puking in here." Everyone faced the screen in horror. Shinji was holding a hand over his mouth and going funny colours. Asuka, of course, had to comment.
"Awww, little Shinji-kins not feeling so well? Morning sickness kicking in already?"
In response to her total lack of sympathy and wanting to freak her out, Shinji very carefully lined up her communication window and projectile vomited at it with great precision. When Asuka stopped laughing at her own wit long enough to take notice of the chunky brown blob that was coming at her through said window, she shrieked.
"Ewww, gross!" She flinched, throwing her body back in the entry plug violently to get away from it. Unfortunately, she was still synched with her EVA.
Crash, big time.
A bit later, after Unit-2 has been forcefully separated from Unit-1.
"Shinji, was it really necessary to throw up at Asuka?" Dr. Akagi asked crossly as he made his way away from the EVA cages towards the male showers. After Unit-0 had managed to remove Unit-2's hands from around Unit-1's throat, the other two EVA's had been sent for a walk around the GeoFront to test whether their repairs had been successful after the last battle. They had both sustained heavy damage. Or dismemberment, if you want to be picky. Shinji had been allowed to exit his own entry plug after complaining that there was NO way he was going to do any testing with the contents of his own stomach following him around. Ritsuko had relented after he had begun maliciously fanning it in the direction of the cameras. The sight of that much undigested food up on the main screen heading in their general direction was making everyone queasy. A few wondered how a weedy kid like him could hold so much.
"In a word, YES!" He retorted hotly. As he passed a clean up crew on the way to his EVA, he apologised quickly for the mess and quickened his pace at the glares he got in response. "Is it really TOO much to ask that she gives me a break? HUH!" He began cracking his knuckles in frustration.
Letting it go, Ritsuko tried to focus on why it happened. "Did something set you off? Is this going to happen every time you get into Unit-1? What can you tell me?"
Shinji rolled his eyes at the doctor. "DUH! You know, if it didn't taste like blood in there, this wouldn't have happened! It's barely tolerable swallowing that crap on a GOOD day, let alone while I'm in THIS condition!" He waved his hands over his stomach for emphasis. "So yes, until you come up with mint-flavoured LCL, this is going to keep happening."
Ritsuko held her tongue in the hopes of keeping the boy talking. "Anything else?"
"Well, yeah." He said hesitantly. "I'm not sure how to put it. After I had synched with the EVA, I felt something. Like . . . a whole lot of different emotions. Pride. Achievement. Satisfaction. Smugness."
The doctor was writing this all down quickly. "Anything else?"
"Yes. A saccharine, gooey, sweet feeling. You know, like when you see strangers go all stupid over a baby. It was really weird. And that's pretty much what made me lose my breakfast."
"Alright. That will do for now. Go get cleaned up, then come to the bridge." She said absently as she veered away from him to head in that direction herself. Grumbling, Shinji did as he was told.
As Dr. Akagi entered the bridge, her attention was grabbed by how quiet it was. Looking up from her notes, she saw everyone focusing on the main screen, which was getting a live feed from the GeoFront. "What's up?"
Misato answered. "Take a look, Rits." She nodded at the screen. The camera was focused on Units 0 and 2 as they made their way around the perimeter of the GeoFront. At first glance, the doctor failed to pick what had grabbed everyone's attention. Then she saw it.
"What on earth-?"
Unit-0 was strutting. There was no other word to describe the EVA's gait. Head held high, shoulders back, striding forward without a care.
"Is Rei doing that on purpose?" Ritsuko whispered.
"Apparently not." Misato whispered back. With a look that said she had made a weird connection in her head, she began to giggle insanely. "Hey, Rits. Do you remember that old pre-impact movie with John Travolta in it? You know, the one where it starts with him walking down a street with the Bee Gee's playing in the background. 'Stayin' alive', I think the song was called."
Ritsuko thought hard for a moment, and then snapped her fingers in memory. "Do you mean 'Saturday Night Fever'?"
"That's the one! That's what she reminds me of." Misato pointed to Rei's EVA. "Travolta strutting down the street, looking like he owned the whole world and ready to plant the flag to prove it!"
Ritsuko put her hand over her mouth to try and stifle the laughter coming out of her as she got the mental image Misato was describing.
"And that's not the best of it. Look at Unit-2!" Misato pointed.
If Rei's EVA looked overbearingly smug about something, Asuka's EVA was the complete opposite. It's posture was slouched, it walked like a sullen child being dragged from the lolly aisle in a supermarket and it's entire demeanour screamed "NOT HAPPY!" All it needed to complete the picture were pockets to stuff it's hands in and a rock to kick about. Unit-2 was sulking about something!
'So Unit-1 is acting like a giddy grandmother, Unit-0 is feeling proud of itself for 'planting the flag', as Misato so tastefully puts it, and Unit-2 has got the shits for some reason.' Ritsuko thought as she brought herself under control. 'When did my life get so fucked up that this is considered a normal day at work?' "Maya!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Have we established that the repaired EVA's are both fully functional and combat ready?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good." She said in a tired tone. "Bring 'em back in and tuck 'em in for the night. Get the pilots cleaned up and to the debriefing room quickly. Let's wrap this up quickly. I've had enough lunacy for one day." Dr. Akagi led the still chortling Major from the room.
After the debriefing, Misato was called into the commander's office. Wondering what she had done now, she approached the door with some trepidation. She was about to knock when it slowly creaked open, and a ghostly "Enter" issued from inside. Walking in, she saw Gendo and Fuyutski in their usual positions. Approaching the giant desk, she nearly wet herself when she saw the Commander smiling cruelly. 'Oh, crap! Whatever this is about, it's going to hurt!' She filed the sight of the coffee mug on the desk away for future consideration.
"Major Katsuragi."
"Ye…yes sir?"
"Sit down. After seeing the Third Childs antics during the Synchronisation test, I wish to tell you about Yui's pregnancy. And how he will probably behave the same way she did over these coming months." If seeing him smile made her bladder weaken, seeing the brief look of fear and sympathy flash across his face as he spoke those words damn near made her lose control of her bowels.
Two hours later, she walked out of the room on unsteady legs and needing to infuse a large quantity of alcohol straight into her bloodstream.
Hokari residence/Sohryu summer lodge
'A few days, my cute arse!'
Hikari was fed up. While normally she was happy to keep company with the Pilot of Unit-2 in or out of school, she was finding out rather painfully that Asuka was infinitely more tolerable in small doses. It seems the red-head had shifted in with the same overbearing enthusiasm with which she did everything else in her life. After five weeks, what was supposed to be only a temporary thing was fast becoming permanent. And it was seriously affecting the rest of the household. Her father had begun spending more time at work, to the point where his superiors were forcing him to go home more than once a week. Kodoma, her older sister, had shifted in to a broom closet inside the school, and Nozomi, her younger sister, was having nightmares about the scary red-headed monster who was taking over their life. Even the bribes, um, money for living expenses Misato was putting into her account to help cover costs was not enough to offset the emotional toll of living with such a demanding 'person' like the Second Child. Trying to meet her whims about what food she would eat and the like, Hikari had quickly formed the opinion that Shinji should have been elevated to sainthood long ago for surviving as long as he did under the same roof with her. And so, breaking point reached, the Hokari girls hatched a plan to get her back to Misato.
It began with some sleeping pills crushed up into some cola. Asuka had drunk it without suspecting anything. Soon, she fell into a deep slumber on Hikari's floor still clutching the control pad to her video game in her hands. Making sure she was out like a light, the three sisters bound and gagged her securely. Being reasonably gentle, they took her out to their father's car and dumped her in the boot. With Mr. Hikari taking every sharp turn he could, they drove to the Katsuragi residence and quietly dumped her on Misato's doorstep. Giving each other high fives, the Hokari family headed back to normality.
When Misato tripped over Asuka's bound and struggling body in the morning, she gave serious thought to dumping her on someone else. She eventually decided to cut her loose and welcome her back. And so, the Katsuragi family also returned to normality. Which meant that the first thing Asuka did after she was untied was to try and take it all out on Shinji. Striding into the kitchen while shrugging off the last of the straps, she marched over to the boy and began shaking him from side to side, all the while shouting at full volume about why should SHE be inconvenienced just because HE couldn't take a joke!
Unfortunately for Asuka, she had picked a morning when Shinji's stomach was feeling a bit . . . delicate. With all the shaking back and forth, he was getting motion sickness, badly. So, inevitably-
"BLLUUURRRK!"
A very shocked Asuka looked down the front of her clothes at the green, lumpy, syrupy mess Shinji had produced just for her.
"AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!"
Misato re-entered the room just as a screaming red blur streaked past, heading for the bathroom. Wincing as Asuka slammed the door shut, Misato walked past Shinji and reached into the cupboard for the good stuff on the top shelf. Taking a not inconsiderable swallow of white rum straight from the bottle, she shuddered as it hit her stomach. Facing the boy, she noted a mischievous expression on his face that disappeared quickly when she turned to him. Giving him a wry look, she enquired as to whether he had done that on purpose.
Giving her a completely innocent look in return, he rubbed his stomach and said that maybe he had a touch of gastroAsukaitis. Wiping away the large sweatdrop on her head, Misato wondered is it was too late to see if Ritsuko wanted a room mate.
Next Chapter: Cravings (Dum-Dum-Duuummmmm!)
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Notes: Well, that's the first three months out of the way! I am finding that I really have to be in the mood to work on this one, so updates will be damn slow. Thankfully, it also means that this story will only be five chapters long: - Conception, the three tri-mesters and the actual birth. I was originally going to do a month a chapter, but it was pointed out to me by my soulmate that I would drive everyone crazy, including myself! The speed I was going, I would hit forty before I finished it. So it's going to be short, sweet and to the point, like good comedy should be. Now if I could just figure out how to do good comedy . . .
Further disclaimer: I do not own any part of the following- Mr. Hankey, the movie 'Saturday Night Live', the Bee Gee's, their song 'Stayin' Alive', John Travolta, anything to do with 'The Sims' game (playboy version or other), The Twilight Zone, or any other copyrighted things that I missed here.
