She purses her lips as her hand recoils. "I should go," she grits her teeth.
"Mom," Lahela responds with her dark eyes pleading.
"I think it is for the best. I want to go before I say something regrettable."
Lahela shakes her head, "I have been sitting with this for months. Please just share whatever you need to say."
"I don't want to make a difficult situation worse."
"It can't be any worse than the things I am already telling myself."
Clara swallows hard, "So tell me the story that you are telling yourself."
"You can't believe that I have thrown all of my hard work away for one regrettable moment. How can I be so irresponsible? I am a doctor. I am fully aware of how the process of conception works. I am a total, and utter disappointment. You trusted me, and I have trampled on that. I have absolutely no idea what I am getting myself into. I am too young, and inexperienced in life to embark on something as life altering as this. I have no business bringing a baby into the world at seventeen years old."
Clara exhales, "Are you done?"
"Minus a few expletives that I think can remain unsaid," Lahela nods.
"You're absolutely right that my automatic thoughts might be totally geared in the direction you are describing. I am angry, and hurt. I am not as wounded by the choice you made, as I know everyone is only human, as I am by the fact that you thought you couldn't tell me. I hate that in a moment of crisis your automatic thought was 'mom is going to kill me', instead of, 'I'm in over my head mom can help'."
Lahela falls silent. She refuses to meet her mother's gaze. Instead her eyes remain locked on her abdomen as it rises, and falls. She subtly bites her bottom lip.
"I am really upset about this right now, but I am certain the feeling is only temporary. I know eventually it will subside. At the end of the day I am still your mom. I love you unconditionally, even when I don't agree with the choices that you have made. Lahela, do you hear me?"
Her eyes flick upward, "Is this where you lecture me, and try to dissuade me from…"
Clara cuts her off, "I have never succeeded in dissuading you when your mind is already made up. I won't try. I can see you have wrestled with the decision, and you don't need me to make the obstacles in your path any greater."
"I'm so sorry. I feel like a total screw up."
"Why didn't you come to me?"
"I didn't go to anyone. I completely shut down for a while. I guess I needed to process all of the information before I could share with anyone."
"Please tell me that you were in denial about the changes in your body, and that you only recently found out?"
"I wish."
Months earlier-
Lahela tosses and turns as sleep totally eludes her. In the distance a subtle scream from her mind tug her to, and fro. Realizing sleep is futile she flips on the lamp, and sits up in her bed. With a lack of anything better to do she unlocks her phone. On the home screen the calendar app glares at her. A few finger taps later reality is staring her in the face. She puts the phone away in hopes that she is in fact wrong for once.
She extinguishes the light, and shimmies beneath her covers in hopes of any kind of slumber. After all she is due in San Diego for a conference by daylight.
Many hours, and one turbulent plane ride later Lahela eventually reaches her destination. After a quick trip to a drug store that neighbors her hotel she returns to the safety of her room. She sits on the edge of the hotel tub waiting for her timer to go off. She talks to herself to bide the time.
"Get a grip! I'm not pregnant. There is no way. Statistically the odds are low. Not that I'm actually tracking my ovulation, but that isn't really the point. I feel fine. I'm not nauseated. I'm sure…" the timer sounds before she can fully hyperventilate. She glances to her right at the plastic stick lying beside her. The digital read out offers no doubt.
"So you've known since a fairly early time frame?" Clara summarizes.
"Yes. It wasn't easy to hide."
"I can imagine it wasn't. I honestly don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. I don't expect you to. It's not as if you signed up for this."
Clara furrows her brow, "So this is why you moved out?"
"I figured it was better to leave on my own terms than to be given the boot. Besides it's not as if having a baby is something anyone can do for me."
"You think we would kick you out?"
She shrugs, "I can't imagine anyone is too keen on teen pregnancy."
"Did you tell Walter?"
"Only a few weeks ago," she confirms.
"Is that why he got a job as a tour guide for that cheesy tourist boating excursion company?"
"Yes. We are both trying to be responsible human beings."
"Is he here somewhere?"
She shakes her head, "No. Why would he be here?"
Clara shrugs, "I thought that maybe…"
"Neither one of anticipated having a baby right now. Both of us realize that whatever develops between us is going to have to be put on the backburner until we figure out how to co-parent."
"That is a very adult thing to do."
"I just feel like I am playing the part of a responsible human being. I don't actually know what I am doing. I just do it. I am scared… almost all of the time," she admits on the verge of tears.
Clara wraps her arms around her, and holds Lahela closely. She gently pushes her bangs out of her face.
"My precious girl anyone who tells you they aren't scared to have a baby is a liar. It is a very scary task. You are so brave," Clara gently kisses her forehead.
"Do you want to see a picture?" Lahela asks as she is freed from the embrace.
"Obviously," Clara confirms.
Lahela pulls open the drawer of the end table, and pulls out a sonogram picture. She offers it to her mother.
"There she is. She looks like a tiny little human being, and not a peanut."
Clara scrutinizes the picture, "She's going to look just like you."
Eventually Clara leaves the condo. Lahela locks the door behind her. She watches out her peephole as she disappears down the hall. In the parking lot Clara climbs into the safety of her sedan. She locks her door, and leans her head against the steering wheel. Her ability to keep her emotions in check has expired. She sobs violently.
