Maya POV

Something touches my forehead, waking me from my deep sleep. It's a touch of lips, your lips, but when my eyes find the strength to open, I can only see you leaving the house. And the sound of the door can only confirm this. I turn to the alarm clock and seeing the time stamped on it, I decide to try to enjoy every last minute of sleep granted to me.

I'm not someone who needs to wake up long before I need to leave the house. At least when I have to go to work. I eat breakfast quickly, it doesn't take me more than 15 minutes to shower, and since I have to wear my uniform I don't have the embarrassment of "what should I wear today"... long story short, I'm not one to waste time. And I love this way of being, these habits of mine… almost as much as I love that you make it so hard for me to keep them.

I grab the bottle with my protein shake and my bag and leave the house. I get into the car and, once the engine is turned on, from the speakers come out the very energetic notes of the last song I was listening to. I don't know if it's because of the deafening chaos in my head, but obviously I didn't realize last night that I turned up the music a little too much. In the light of the new day, it makes me feel like someone's screaming in my ears!

I really turn the volume down, and I decide that, at these decibels, this is a perfect sound to get me to work and it will definitely give me the right charge.

I'm almost to the station when the music stops to give way to the ringing of my phone. It's a special ringtone, specially made for when I get calls from you. I'm surprised you called at this hour, and I must admit I'm a little concerned. With the controls on the steering wheel I answer the call.

"Maya..."

That's all you say, but only hearing you say my name I feel something is wrong. Your voice echoes in the cockpit, making me feel every little vibration caused by your state of mind.

"Hey Carina, are you okay? What's going on?"

You burst into tears on the other end of the phone. Fortunately, I'm practically there, so I'm hurrying to park and be able to give my full attention to you.

"Sorry... it's just... I lost a patient. A young mother who up to one second before was fine, and then..."

They say some doctors become aloof, at least in part, throughout their careers, almost as aseptic as an operating room before surgery.

You… well, you didn't, you never even tried. And that makes you extraordinary, but it also makes you fragile. I know that what you need right now are not catchphrases, words put one after the other in a sort of litany to cheer you up. You need me to hang on to hear your outlet, whether it's in words or through a liberating cry.

We stay like this for a few. I check the clock to make sure I'm not too late, but I think I can spare a couple of minutes for you. This is more important than being right on time for the team's assembling. At some point I hear your crying stops and I wonder if the line cut off.

"Carina..." I call your name to make sure it doesn't. "...sorry, I shouldn't have called you. I'm just... I'm not used to it, thank God. Damn, I'm sorry to have bothered you. Probably you're at work already..."

"Hey, hey, stop it! You can call me whenever you want or need, you know..."

I look towards the station and notice that Andy has come out to the street and is looking around. Until she sees my car, and she nods at me to get my attention and let me know that I may have to end the call. On that one, I see both garage doors open. It's got to be a big intervention.

"Carina, I'm sorry but I have to go now. There must have been a call. But do you want me to call you when I get back?"

"Sure... I don't know if I'll be on call but I'd love for you to try anyway."

Your voice is still marked and I'm sorry to have to cut the conversation short like this but duty calls.

"Ti amo, Carina"

I'm saying it in Italian for the first time. I'm terrible at learning your language, but I wanted to at least be able to say those words correctly. It was the least I could do for my gorgeous Italian girlfriend. It takes you a second to respond, which is enough for me to understand that my gesture was appreciated.

"I love you," you reply to me, before hanging up.

"How come you were late this morning? Does it have anything to do with the fact that you're strangely quiet?" Andy asks me, driving the ladder truck.

"Carina's ex is moving back to Seattle..."

"And you freaked out!"

I'm impressed by the supreme confidence my best friend has in me.

"Thanks for the appreciation but no, that's not what happened"

"Oh I know you, Maya! There are only two possible endings to a discovery like this, when you're involved: a furious argument or..." she interrupts right at the most beautiful moment.

"Or what?" I'm urging her. She turns around enough to look me in the face for a second, and then she goes back to paying all her attention to the street.

"...no, definitely the second one, you're right!"

I don't have the faintest idea what she's rambling about, whereupon I turn my gaze full of perplexity, as if to ask her to explain herself once and for all. "Your shiners... they're banish-thought sex shiners. And before you say anything, I'll tell you that yes, it's definitely in your style."

"You're an idiot, Herrera," I tell her, laughing.

"But am I mistaken or isn't that the whole story? You had a face as soon as you got out of the car..." she asks me. For a moment, thinking back to last night, I'd almost forgotten about your phone call just now, but in a second it all comes flooding back.

"I was on the phone with Carina… she lost a patient this morning. It's just that you know how I am: I feel bad for her, but I have the consolation skills of a hungry grizzly," I say honestly.

"Don't underestimate yourself, Maya," Andy responds to me in a rush.

"What do you mean?" "You know, many times the fact that you are not able to console in the most conventional way makes your way of being close to someone unique and therefore often more effective!" I wish I could have time to reflect on those words, but we have arrived at the scene of the fire. It's time to concentrate, get down and get blaze ass kicked.

Carina POV

I end the call and I'd like to feel a little less gross. I need to take a breath of oxygen… I need to fill my lungs with fresh air, and not with the one that permeates the space of these all-same hallways. I walk out of the emergency room entrance and for a moment my eyes are hurt by the sunlight, totally different from the neon light. It's weird that there are beautiful days in Seattle right now, and I wish I was in the mood to enjoy it.

In a moment, however, it all comes back to me: the alarm of the machines starting to sound in the patient's room, her vitals dropping precipitously, the rush to the operating room for the caesarean section... her blood covering my gloves and most of my gown, the lifeless body of that unborn child... the beeps of the machine connected to the patient, chimes announcing that there is nothing left to do.

All of this replays in my mind, and in a moment the fresh air of this day seems to be not enough for me. I need more, I breathe in and feel like my lungs are punctured, because it's like I can't actually fill them.

"Hey, Carina", I hear a familiar voice coming from behind me. I quickly put my hands over my face, trying to get myself together before I turn around.

"Hi Arizona", I say, trying not to leak anything from my expression. Evidently unsuccessful.

"Come with me", she says, holding out her hand. I'm stung by her gesture.

"Come on", she insists, turning her face to the other side and waving her fingers, inviting me to grab her hand.

Her pace quickly picks up as we make our way down the street and around the corner. I can hardly keep up with her. Fortunately we get to the little park that is on the other side of the hospital, opposite the main entrance. She only lets go of my hand when she sits down on a bench, motioning me to sit next to her.

"Okay, you can vent here… tell me what happened, or not, it's up to you. I'll sit here with you until it gets better."

She's not asking me to do anything but to let go of the emotions I carry inside me. And I need it, I really need it.

"I... lost a patient" I'd like to stop here, but it seems that now that I've started the words are bound to come out, whether I like it or not.

"And before you say anything, I know, it's part of the job. And it's part of the job to learn to deal with those moments, but... she's the first patient I've lost since I've been working here... the first two patients, actually."

"Carina, I'm sorry..."

"I…" I say, while lonely tears wet my face.

"I waited, it seemed like the right choice. And then, when I had the caesarean it was too late."

She comes closer and, maybe because this gesture makes me understand that I'm not alone, I decide to let go of the tension and let out a cleansing cry.

"Unfortunately, we can't always control everything… it's probably the hardest thing to learn about this job. And you're a good doctor, Carina! This pain is what will allow you to give your next patient, and the one after that, one chance more..."

She hugs me, and I rest my forehead on her shoulder, while she caresses my back with one hand to calm me down. She swings slightly, as if she wanted to cradle me in her arms.

"You don't have to keep everything inside... some weights are easier to carry, if you have someone to share the effort with..."

It's so familiar, this embrace, this perfume... I can feel her leaning her head back to mine. We just stay like this for a few minutes, until I can feel a little relieved.

"Thank you, Arizona", I say to her without moving even a millimeter away, without moving a bit, so my voice comes out pretty smothered.

"Hey, you know you can always count on me... I'll always be there for you!"

I hold this hug with a little more force, in the hope that she will hold me a little more too.

"...a good sailor in storms, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I will always be your sailor in storms, Carina. Despite everything, I'm always here for you!"

I close my eyes for a second, as I breathe in deeply through my nose. And that perfume of hers... my head seems to want to chase it, it smells like home. My brain doesn't seem to recognize that it's not home anymore.

Our faces look for each other, as long as they're facing each other. My eyes are still closed, but I can feel every inch of her skin.

I feel the sea receding, the water receding, uncovering the sand, and then... the impact. The wave.

My lips are on her, and every second of that contact wipes away the foundations of my certainties, one by one.

Like a tsunami that destroys everything.