Maya POV
You're so quiet on the drive home. I'm holding my right hand on your leg while I drive, our fingers are intertwined. I definitely have proof that you're off somewhere when one of your favorite songs starts and you don't even blink an eye. You usually sing it so loudly that you inevitably drag me into your delirium, too. Your gaze is slightly turned to the opposite side, not allowing me to understand what's wrong.
So I shake your hand slightly, as if to get your attention.
"Hey, sorry", you say, in a guilty tone.
"Don't worry, we're almost home."
As soon as we get out of the car, you sneak into the house without even looking at me. You walk with your face almost to the ground, ruffling your hair with one hand. I thought you'd feel a little better, at least a little bit, after my simple surprise.
I take a breath before going inside. It seems that making you feel better is gonna be harder than I thought, but I don't want to be discouraged.
I close the door behind me, and when I turn around, I see you standing with your back, your hands resting on the kitchen table. You must have dumped your bag and coat as soon as you walked in, 'cause they're both on the floor on opposite sides of the entrance. As I gather them, to put them in their place, I will not take my eyes off you for a second. It kills me to know you're so tormented.
"Carina"... I call you in a low voice, as if to remind you that you're not alone, that I'm here for you.
"I kissed Arizona", you say, a second before you start to cry. I can hear you trying to hold back the tears as you move your hand through your hair again. It's something you often do when you're upset. But my mind goes back to those words. "You... what?" I ask you incredulously. In fact, I admit that your words are unambiguous, but I hope I misunderstood. I hope so with all my heart. You don't utter a word, and you don't turn to me, so I'll come near.
"Carina, you what...?" I ask again, as if to give you the benefit of the doubt. The silence from you continues, but I just can't tolerate it right now. I grab your arm, forcing you to turn around. I immediately loosen my grip, realizing the initial strength I put on my hand. Your eyes are filled with tears and your face bears the marks of the wet trails they left on it. "I kissed Arizona... and I'm sorry"
"You... you're sorry?" I ask you, rhetorically, my voice filled with anger.
I look at you and realize right away that we both know the problem isn't so much that you kissed someone else, it's who you kissed. I can see your eyes almost startled by my reaction. I realize I need to put some distance between us, not look at you, hoping it'll be enough to calm the growing rage. I'm leaning against the back of the couch, my body facing you. But I can't look up, not yet at least.
"Maya, please, let me explain", you tell me, coming towards me, caressing my arm, which I move as soon as I feel that touch. I walk away, wanting to put more distance between us.
"I... I need a minute" is all I can say. And that's what I really need.
Carina POV
When you walk away from me, moving your arm away from under my fingers, my heart breaks. You're asking me to give you a moment, but your reaction makes me realize that all my worries were justified. We both know the kiss isn't the problem. It's Arizona. For days you've been worried about the consequences of her return to town. Now this!
I put a hand through my hair, feeling my heart go crazy. When I watch you with the corner of my eye turning towards me again, I meet your gaze. I'm afraid you're ready to pass judgment, final and irrevocable. I turn my body towards you, my arms stretched out along my hips, as if to say 'cry out, bring out all your anger'. But then I pay more attention to your gaze.
"I... I can't judge you, Carina."
When I hear you say those words, I sense every ounce of the fatigue, of the ache you're feeling. And how much I hurt you.
"I just have one question for you..."
I can't breathe, hearing those words, afraid of what will come out of your mouth next.
"Are you still in love with her?"
I could answer right away. I wish I could. It's just not that simple. I hesitate for what seems like a second, but I realize it might be a second too long for you.
"Ok, I got it... I'm sorry but I need to get out of here", you say, ready to walk to the door, but as you turn around, I can see you're crying. I don't give up for a second this time and I come towards you, grabbing your arm, forcing you to turn back to me. "What do you want from me?"
You're shouting at me, almost like a roaring lion. That's the old Maya. But you immediately realize this, that the old you is back and your expression becomes even more disappointed, you are angry with yourself almost as you are with me.
You close your eyes for a moment as tears stream down your face, and I take the opportunity to take your face in my hands. I feel you grasping my wrists tightly and I fear you are about to pull me away from you again. Instead you almost seem to cling to my arms, like a tired, wounded animal. You keep not looking at me, your eyes closed.
"Hey, Maya," I say, lifting your face slightly with my touch, hoping that will convince you to meet your gaze with mine. And that's exactly what you do.
"Let me explain, please" I'm asking you in a pleading voice, knowing I'm not in a position to make demands.
You nod your head to answer me as you take my hand and follow me to the couch. I take a deep breath, trying to figure out where to start, but also what to tell you. I look into your eyes, one more time, before I can finally say a word.
"I don't know what came over me. I was devastated by the loss of my patient, I needed to throw out what I felt when Arizona saw me..."
I tell you briefly what happened, meeting your gaze, but I couldn't sustain it for long. You listen to me, silently, with an expression I can't decipher. I thought I knew all your facial expressions, but apparently I was wrong.
"...I don't know why I kissed her. I was confused. I wasn't myself. And I know that's not a valid excuse, I know perfectly well! But it's the truth, Maya, I swear!"
At these last words, I instinctively reach out a hand towards his face, placing it on it and making our gazes meet once more. She grabs my wrist, and I'm afraid she'll chase my hand away from her face. Her breathing gets louder, deeper, and her gaze more intense. She stays silent until she can calm herself down.
"You still haven't answered my question..." she says, looking at me even more intently. My eyebrows twitch in a puzzled expression. You understand I don't remember what you asked me.
"I asked if you still love her"... she tells me, in an almost aseptic or exhausted tone of voice, I can't quite understand it. I look at you and I realize you don't need a straight answer right now: you need the truth. The cold hard truth. Whatever it is. As long as it's true.
"Maya"... I say, like to request you to don't ask me that.
"I asked you if you still love her..."
Her tone of voice betrays this time her disappointment and anger. Her eyes implore the truth to match her hopes.
"Arizona has been an important person to me. Somehow knowing her marked me. But the answer to your question is no. And I'm not saying that because it's what I hope you want to hear me say, but because it's what I feel."
I pause after these words. Like making sure the message got through loud and clear. You snap up from the couch, heading for the window. I'd like to get closer to you, to hug you, but I understand that you need to put some distance between us, to be able to think more clearly perhaps.
Your answer comes in dry, like a frozen bucket. "Okay"
That's it. Just an "okay."
Maya POV
All I can say is, "Okay." I don't want to answer right away. I repeat your words in my mind, replaying them, as if on a loop.
"You said you don't love her?" I ask you, as if I wanted yet another confirmation of what you said.
"No, Maya. You're the woman I love. The one and only..." you say approaching me. I feel you rest your hand on my back, caressing me, and I feel your face watching me as you come beside me. I can't judge you, I've done far worse to you in the past, but we both knew that for me, sex with Jack was, in fact, just sex.
You only kissed someone else, but you and Arizona had an affair. It is inevitable that this plays a key role.
"...I love you, Maya," you tell me, almost as if to give even more strength to those words, whispered only seconds ago. I'm watching you say it.
"No more bullshit like that?" I ask you, direct, almost brutal. Our eyes meet.
"No more, I promise," you reply, your eyes fixed on me.
"Okay..." is all I can say.
You come closer to me as you caress my arm. I still don't feel completely comfortable with your touch, and you probably feel it from the stiffness of my muscles under your fingers. You look at me with those pleading and at the same time grateful eyes, which move me inside, deep. I'd like to kiss you. I need it in my bowels. But the thought of your lips being someone else's still troubles me today. I need to touch you, but I can't. Not yet.
I decide the only thing I can do right now is get away from you. So I turn around, walking towards the entrance.
"Sorry, but I need to get some air"... I tell you, in a hoarse voice. Your eyes follow me, but I can't stand it now. But I want to give you some comfort.
"Don't go away, please⦠I'll be back. Wait for me.
