Maya POV

I close the door behind me and in a moment my mind goes back to when we broke up. But this time I promised to come back and I will. I know what it means to give up on you and I have no intention of doing it.

I put the earphones in my ears as I start walking, aimlessly. Putting one foot in front of the other has always brought my mind back to seeing things clearly, and that's what I need now.

I have always found music to be a good companion for my thoughts, both when I train and when I just need a break.

I select shuffle mode on the app, which as always knows how to choose for me the right songs at the right time. Sometimes I thought it was disturbing how perfect certain songs were for the moment.

I go through with my mind everything that has happened since you said those words.

"I kissed Arizona"

Three simple words that took the earth out from under my feet in an instant.

Perhaps the thing that pissed me off the most is that I've been worried about you all day since you called me. No, ok... that was the second thing that pissed me off the most.

I know I haven't been perfect in the past, but I thought it was different between us now. And I continue to convince myself that deep down it is. But... Arizona. Of all the stupid choices you could have made... Arizona.

I hear a song I don't know playing in my headphones, so I take out my phone to figure out where it comes from.

It's from a playlist you created a while ago. I look at the date and see that you created it when you moved in with me. I let myself be guided by this soothing music, which seems to want to tell me to stop and breathe.

And that phrase, sung with an almost pleading voice.

How are we gonna move together?

Come closer

I can't help but throw out all the jealousy that I have kept inside so far, which tears me apart. She's not just any person... but the problem, the real problem, is that I don't think I'm up to that person. And I love you, I love you so much that I'm afraid giving you everything I can is not enough. I wonder what would have happened if she had come back before I realized I was fucked up when we weren't together anymore. What story will we tell now?

Another part of me thinks instead 'so what? She messed up, and I, how many times have I done it?'

And it's the truth... both voices in my head are absolutely right, I'm aware of that.

I feel my heartbeat getting stronger, as if it wants to tell me that it has an opinion too on that. And that heartbeat I feel, almost on the surface of my skin, tells me only one thing. And I know that's the only voice I need to hear.

I look up and realize I'm a long way from home now.

Carina POV

I would like to scream, tell me how stupid I have been. But I can't. I let you out that door and I can't help but remember the last time it happened like this.

We both know very well it was a kiss, but we both know it wasn't just a kiss. Christ, I kissed Arizona, the only ex I know very well is a problem for you, to put it mildly. I know I don't feel anything for her anymore, but I understand your point of view... I would probably feel the same in your place.

Where are you, Maya? Where did you run away? I need to have you here, to talk, to feel your anger, or at least let you vent, here with me. If there's one thing I've learned it's your absolute unpredictability when you're pissed off. And I know it's something you're working on in your sessions with the therapist, but it's one side of you, perhaps the only one, that still scares me.

I think I'm going crazy within these walls, without you. I come back once again to our conversation a little while ago, to your reaction... to your gaze. I can't hold back the tears at this thought. I put my hands against my temples, berating myself for how stupid I was. I think back to the way you dodged my touches: you tried hard not to show it, but I understood all too well the sensation you felt. You could hardly even look at me, let alone feel my hands touch you. You seemed torn, as if you needed me there, but at the same time my mere presence hurt you.

But I can't help but think about the words you said before closing the door behind you. You asked me to wait for you, you told me you were coming back... and somehow it reminds me of what we promised each other when we got back together. No more run away. And your words I know meant exactly that, that promise. You needed to get away from me in order to come back to me. And I am waiting for you... here, in what has become our home, ready to face any reaction you may have upon your return.

My eyes are so tired as I sit on the sofa that I think I might fall asleep at any moment. I look at the clock on the wall. Where are you, Maya? Almost two hours have passed and this distance, this waiting is killing me.

Suddenly I hear the sound of the key slipping into the lock. I jump to my feet, pulling my hair back in an attempt to fix it, wiping away the marks of the last tears that have marked my face.

I watch you coming in... you keep your head down and a cold greeting comes timidly from your lips. I approach you with surge, stopping almost immediately though. Your serious expression chills me.

"Maya ..." is all I can say, feeling a lump in my throat blocking any other words. You finally look at me, but I can't honestly say if it makes me feel better or worse.

You open your mouth as if you want to say something, but you just take a deep breath. I take another step towards you, but with my hand you give me a timid gesture to stay where I am and I respect your will. I see in your eyes still reflected the tears that you must have shed too and I feel my heart go shattered for the umpteenth time.

"Do you still have feelings for her?"

You ask me in a voice so cold it is almost aseptic. You've asked me this question before, but it looks like you want to see if my answer will be different now.

"I love you" I reply straight away, even though I know very well that this is not the answer to your question.

"That's not what I asked you," you reply in a detached way.

You deserve the pure and total truth. And I know that I will have to accept the consequences of what I will tell you, whatever they are.

"Carina ..." you ask me, in a tone of voice, this time pleading. You need answers, and now.

"I loved Arizona, and maybe a part of me will never forget what was between us... but she is not you. So yes, I will maybe always feel something for her, but it is you that I love ..."

I can't help but get close to you as I tell you, seeing you look down, and you seem to finally allow me to, like you need to feel me close.

"It is with you that I want to spend every day of my life..." I whisper, taking your face in my hands, so as to make our eyes meet, chasing your eyes when you try to look elsewhere.

"Maya, I want a life with you... and this feeling is unique. You are unique, you are the first person who makes me feel this way in my entire life..."

Your eyes seem to get lost in mine as you wear the hands on my arms, holding them. I'm afraid your hold is to get me away from you, and I think part of you would like to, but you can't.

"And I love you... totally, madly... there is only you for me" I say, in a voice that this time betrays my real need for you.

You look at me intently, and I see on your face how torn you are. You slowly bring your face close to mine, closing your eyes, frowning slightly, as if you are terribly on the fence. Then you put your lips to mine, kissing me. A slow, shy kiss at first, like you need to understand how it feels to kiss me after all this. At some point you break off that contact and I can't help thinking that maybe you realized you couldn't, that you couldn't do it. You don't let go of my arms and that contact is perhaps the only thing that keeps me from falling apart.

"Ok... that's enough for me" you tell me. I look at you confused, not being able to understand what you mean. You understand from my look how much your words confuse me.

"I love you, Carina. I'd be stupid and ungrateful if I couldn't forgive you, and I don't want to be any of that. You could have lied to me, or convinced me that it was just all in my head, but you didn't and I appreciate..." you whisper in a faint voice, almost managing to smile at me.

"I want a life with you too... so I apologize right now if I will be strange in the next few days, but I have to figure it out, I can't ignore it altogether..."

"I know... and I'll be here, punchballing you if you need to, figuratively speaking of course, reminding you that I chose you. I choose you, and I will always choose you. I love you, bambina" I whisper, bringing my lips close to yours, waiting for a nod from you before kissing.

You are already asleep when I reach you, after finishing to clean the kitchen. I slip under the covers, hugging you, being careful not to wake you up. I choose you, Maya Bishop.